Back in the saddle!

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Since last Wednesday I could feel that a change was happening to me. I could feel it inside and in every cell of my body. I had worked so hard at changing my life for the past 18 months, and now I felt that this part of the process has finished. I have changed. I have made it happen. I am now actually living this life I have been trying to attain, and now I feel like there is no going back, that whatever happens now, my life will not be the same as before. I do not know what lies ahead, I am definitely in unknown territory now!

This week, life has yet again fascinated me with the twists and turns it has taken. I have met another great person, Stacey from New York. She is a singer, a music therapist, a virgo and practices meditation. She considers me a ‘gift’ to have entered her life at this point as we have so much in common (and she was feeling very unsure and homesick too) and I view her in the same way. It is funny as Leo also called me a ‘gift’ sent to him, I like being described in this way! Stacey is in my language class and the night before we started to talk, I was thinking that it would be great to meet someone to travel with as Brazil is very daunting to travel around as a lone woman. And then there she was, my ready-made travel companion. We can talk for hours and both want to see some more of the natural beauty of Brazil. I am very excited as I think that we have some great times ahead of us.

So I was in need of some support and therefore returned to the language school, where I met up again with Rosa, an Italian staying here until 12th March and I met Stacie, also staying until 12th March. It is so nice to have some friends who are actually trying to live here too, as it is very different to being on holiday. I got back into the swing of things, lunch with my friends, shopping with Rosa and then Stacie, a samba lesson at school and the homesickness started to wane. Leo and I have still been llike passing ships in the night, but I think this is what is meant to be at the moment. If not I would be halting my own personal journey and putting too much emphasis on him which wouldn't be fair on either of us. The Language school had the privilage of being invited to go to a Children's Christmas Party at a Social Project and there is nothing like seeing children, with barely nothing, some of them were orphans, singing and dancing and smiling, to tear you away from self-absorption about men! We could each pick a name out of a hat to buy a present for. I picked Stephanie, 10 years old, and bought her a sparkly Princess Barbie. She showed everyone her present so I think she liked it. A few of us took a trip to an Island on Saturday called Madre Adeus (Mother of God), and if I makes for easier reading, it rained and was cloudy (not cold though I am afraid), so after having some fish and chips and being wrapped in my beach towel and hiding from the rain under the umbrella rather than from the sun, I felt like I was back in Blighty, maybe that is what cured the homesickness!

It was very poignant, that at the time when I was feeling fragmented and not centred, that I received an email from Vidya (the Yoga teacher who trained me), to say that her and Richard, her partner (who I also met on the teacher training course), were here in Salvador for a few days and invited me to lunch with them. I was so pleased to see them, not only my first piece of familiarity since leaving the UK, but also two people whose words and way of life had, unknown to them, guided me into making the final decision to travel and to try a new way of life. Now I was in need of a little help again, and there they were. Not only was it nice to see them but I had been struggling to find a yoga class close to me, and there in the restaurant we ate lunch in, were some leaflets for a yoga class, 10 minute walk from my apartment. So it was like they set me on course again, I knew I was feeling fragmented as I was not practicing yoga enough and not meditating regularly but seeing them gave me the kick to actually start doing it. So today, I meditated for half an hour and then did 1 hour and 15 minutes of Yoga. I felt like I needed to be grounded and centred, so I focussed on staying routed into the ground and on forward bends which assist introspection. I then played a piece of music during my savasana (relaxation), called Mothers Wingspan, which had calmed me and offered comfort when I was at home. I felt very different during this relaxation, and I think this was when the change was allowed to manifest. I also felt a protective presence over me (probably my own Mother). This afternoon, I walked around Graca to find the Yoga studio. It was the same walk I took two Sundays into my trip when I had been ill for the first time and the first wave of homesickness had hit me. I hadn’t walked there since as the language school and my friends live in Barra. It felt like a completely different place. A month ago, I felt like a fish out of water and it was deserted as it was a bank holiday Sunday and everyone was at the beach. This time, I felt at ease. I could read the shop signs, I noticed how nice the restaurants and cafes were, and I knew where I was going. Last time I walked up and down the same road three times, lost, unfortunately with drunk men outside the bar opposite cat calling me, yes I did want to run home! But now, I have found the yoga studio with a nice Sushi restaurant at the end of the road, and seen a nice beauty salon and coffee bar that I am sure I will be frequenting either with Stacie or a good book. I feel more like myself again, and I am able to see that all the answers are right in front of me. I am appreciating the new experiences and finding myself much more in tune with the rhythm of life. I am enjoying the cashew juice (made from the fruit of the Cashew nut), and delicious mangoes everyday. I was finding some of the food quite heavy but I now enjoy lunch at the restaurant I went to with Vidya and Richard and have taken a tip from Stacie to order grilled fish. I am looking forward to spending another two or three months here as rather than fighting it, I am back in the flow (I haven’t asked Fred yet if that is ok with him, so fingers crossed!). I am back into living in the moment and allowing life to unfold as it always does a better job than when I try to figure it out myself. Since last Sunday when I fell down and hit the ground, I followed what I needed to do and instead of going to see Leo and probably getting on each other’s nerves, I took the decision to go back to the language school which was not the easiest decision, of course I would have loved to have seen him but I knew in my heart it was the wrong thing to do. In turn life has given me Rosa, Stacie, Vidya and Richard, it has found me a Yoga class, taken me to a children’s Christmas party and shopping. I have peeled away a few more layers and got back on the horse again. All I had to do was to regain my focus and breathe deeply and fully, to let my lungs expand and my head to clear, something that we all often forget to do. Brazil is playing a huge part in this transformation, since arriving I have felt that if the world has a heartbeat, then this is it; I am in the world’s heart. Because of the vast difference in culture and the fact that hardly anybody speaks English, I am almost like a child again, relearning everything, how to speak and write in my new language, how to act socially, how to navigate my way and every day requires a lot of effort. Not only that, I am relearning everything about myself, as travelling alone leaves nowhere to hide. But in return I have the freedom that Brazil gives; to dance and sing like nobody is watching, because nobody is, they are too busy dancing and singing themselves.

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Comments

[Aline Pino]

Just live it!
Layana, I am really enjoing your blog. I have the dream that doing the same as you are doing now, live in a totally different country (maybe London) and it's very interesting read how you feel (if my dream come true, will I feel the same as you?). Keep writing because you won a loyal reader. P.S.: Sorry if I wrote something wrong, but I'm still learning English.