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Published: February 20th 2011
I wrote this after the New Year, sorry for the delay in publishing!
This time last year I was a quiet little mouse, falling as fast as Alice in Wonderland, down down down into the unknown. I was just existing, waking up after another restless night, going into work, and returning home to clear away the many brochures and information I had collated over the years in a bid to make my dreams come true; clinging onto them as if on the glossy pages were the answers to my questions. I didn’t feel that I had anything to say that anyone would listen to, so I hardly said anything, didn’t even meet with my friends. I pretty much hibernated last January, but it was an active hibernation because I never ever sit still. I knew I was at the bottom, that the rug had been pulled from under my feet and life as I knew it no longer existed. But I also knew for sure that I had no intention of staying there, that I wanted to get my life back on track to where I had hoped it would be. I had always wanted to lead an interesting, colourful
life and mine had turned quite grey. I wasn’t sure where to start but it made sense to me that if I was at the bottom then I may as well start there. So I let go of the travel brochures and threw them away, I only spent time doing the things that I loved; going to yoga, baking (and eating) cupcakes, crying and laughing at the films I enjoyed. And I started to find myself again just by doing the things that I enjoyed. It amazes me how much time I was spending doing things I hated and with people whom I didn’t really have the time for.
And now, one year on, here I am, jumping waves on a beach in Brazil to see in the New Year with a renewed life. It was so energising to celebrate the new year in this way, with hundreds of other people all wearing white on a beautiful beach, champagne at the ready and fireworks flying everywhere, including at us. I feel so lucky that I have such a rich life now, not in wealth, but in love and experiences. I have met some wonderful people here, but as I am
travelling alone, I spend a lot of time by myself. At first I felt a little lonely, but now it does not bother me in the slightest. One of the reasons for this is that I have an abundance of kind, loving friends and family at home. All thinking about me and I am thinking about them, it just happens that we are not together right now. I do miss them greatly, and would love it see them all, but I really appreciate that they are keeping in touch with me, I take strength from this when I am feeling a little weary.
The New Year has been another turning point for me, as I continue on my journey. I have found a balance; to change the things I can change and to leave the things I can’t change. It is not inertia, nor is it banging my head against a brickwall. This is a big part of my personal journey as I have always tried to ‘fix’ things even if they are beyond repair.
The beach has always been my favourite place, but now that we have shared this milestone together, it holds even more power for me, and
I can not imaging the time that I have to move away from the coast. But I will deal with it and again I am sure that will be a new lesson for me to learn. The thing about travelling alone is that there is nowhere to hide, and there are very hard lessons to learn along the way. At some points (many points), I feel like screaming, I know ok, just leave me alone, like a petulant child, but then I pass the test I realise that it is just another step along the way.
I have spent a lot of time in Salvador, being based in one place for a number of reasons and one of those reasons was to adjust to this new way of life. I view this not just as ‘travelling’ but also a little experiment to see if I really can change my way of life. I also do love the city and Brazil is challenging to travel around, even within the confines of the city. For example, the buses, the bus drives are crazy, they make London cabbies seem polite and considerate, they fly around corners on two wheels, and then you have
to figure out which bus you need to get on as they don’t have numbers, just the final destination on the front (and someone may have prioritised things over getting her eyes tested, so can’t see the sign until the bus is right next to her, at which point there is no stopping it), so you have to have super human eye sight and happen to know the final destination along your route, oh and board the bus at lightning speed as any hesitation and the driver will leave. You board the bus at the back, so can only ask the conductor if this is the right bus once you are on it and by that time, it has already travelled a good few miles anyway. It does frustrate me so much that I cannot travel as freely as I would like to here but I am finding ways to see some of this beautiful country in a way that does not put me at risk. I also I wanted to spend time really trying to understand and experience the Brazilian culture, which I don’t think that you can do in a country as vast and complex as Brazil just
travelling through and meeting other travellers. Although I am now ready to travel so next week, Karina and I are going trekking into Chapada Diamantina. I have lots to say about Brazilian culture, but I think that will have to wait as I have got very behind with my blogs.
So firstly, Christmas in Brazil. Well as you know, I have my guardian angel Dani to look after me, so being away from my family for the first time ever was no way near as hard as it could have been and I had the privilege of celebrating Christmas with a great Brazilian family, all 22 of them! The main celebrating is done on Christmas Eve, and it is much more relaxed than in England. There is still turkey, but not a sit down meal, the food is eaten at midnight (well maybe a few little nibbles were stolen before) and presents are opened. Everyone brings a plate of food and their own drink so nobody feels burdened with paying for the whole event. So if I ever invite you over for Christmas you will know what is expected! The pinnacle of the evening is the swopping of the secret Santa present. A unisex present is bought by everyone for under £10, and put into the middle of the circle, names are then pulled out of the hat but the twist is that if you see a present that you like, already opened by someone else then you can take that one. This is all done Brazil style so you can shameless steal the present you want from someone else, very loudly and flamboyantly and with great joy. Families in England probably wouldn’t speak for weeks if that happened. There seems to be so much less pressure as there is no set time for everyone to eat and people can just relax and enjoy each other’s company for a few hours. And then of course it leaves Christmas day free to lounge around the pool, eating chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner and for me to again shock yet more people with the amount that I can eat. I probably won’t be invited again! Boxing Day was just as much fun with an all day barbeque and plenty of beer to wash it down. Of course, I missed my own family a lot, but it was difficult to get my head around that this was Christmas as it was 35 degrees. When I got back to Salvador and they had finally removed the large tree and Santa’s grotto complete with fake snow from the middle of the shopping centre and were no longer playing Christmas songs on loop in the supermarket, which was all a huge relief. The run up to Christmas had put great pressure on me being away from home, but I enjoyed it thanks to the kindness and warmth of others, much more than I could have imagined.
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grassy
non-member comment
Good on you
great to read about your journey. was interested to read about the language school. If you have any time, could you send me some information. Heres my favourite thing I wrote about changing my life too! Reflection - Read the following quote and discuss the relationship between feedback about your performance and professional and personal growth: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." (Source: Balzer Riley, p.236) Its the nature of the beast. The human mind is programmed to move forward. We begin to teach our children from the moment they are born. Whilst it is necessary to warn our children of dangerous paths ahead, because we love them so much (as in don’t touch that, too hot, burnies etc etc), they have no fear and only wonderment at all they encounter. Sometimes I think we over programme. We lose our abilities to move foreward and become content and safe in the environment of familiarity and creeping age. What can we expect? And we are still fortunate However, for some , we are able to recognise and continue on a path of discovery and change. When we do, we recognise that feedback is important because we need others or the group to continue to add to the picture for us, facilitate and prop us up. We are only human but we do have a wonderful life, when we choose and we make the decision to embrace it.