Proactive nostalgia

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I’m feeling a bizarre mixture of things right now. Today I had sort of an insane excess of energy from the bizarre circumstance of my having slept almost the recommended 8-hours three nights in a row. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t exercise, I don’t know, but I found this energy translated into a sort of “logorrea” (a term I only use because it’s coming across a lot in my studying for my psych exam), an overactivity of the mind. I tried to write earlier, like perhaps a blog entry or something, but I just couldn’t focus enough on one thing- new ideas and observations, mostly superficial stuff about my immediate surrounding environment, kept intruding, soon to give way to ridiculously-syntaxed observations of my writing attempts in themselves. When I tired, the mind kept working just as rapidly but this time in dwelling, alternatively about the near future: exams, the FLACSO dinner (and how awkward it’s going to be considering my relative social isolation there), my dad’s visit and our trip to tierra del fuego and my anxieties about having planned it badly, and the more remote future, after I get back. I felt like I had achieved sort of a more peaceful zen-like state lately- but I had to admit that it must have been largely due to my unremitting somnolence and the mountains of mind-numbing DSM reading I had been doing to study for psychology, which easily served to occupy any excess mental energy I had. Now, for god’s sake, my mind was operating so frenetically that today when my subte ride was cut short by the fact that the train I was in had run over a woman, not even that served to lift me out of all my petty preoccupations and quiet me down a bit. Often in the past when I’ve been walking around utterly unperceptively like this, something like seeing a very pathetic person begging has jarred me, sobered me, given me a sense of perspective. But this time not even a violent (probable) death distracted me from the purchase of my airplane tickets to Ushuaia.
But what did distract me from all these things finally was a sharp intrusion of my present situation into all of this. It happened after I finished my last yoga class here, said goodbye to the teacher and thanked him, and looked at him probably for the last time in my life. Without trying to draw a lot of philosophical inferences I’ll just say that it’s weird to look at someone knowing it’s the last time you’ll ever do so. I had a similar experience at the end of school last year, looking at a few friends with the knowledge that I wouldn’t see them again for eight months (and possibly forever, if my plane were to crash or something). This is another one of those experiences that I’ve had for the first time as a result of this “trip.” Saying goodbye to friends from high school or something, there always remained the possibility of seeing them again, but when it comes to argentina, let’s just say that there are lots of people on the earth blocking the view from Portland, Oregon to there (not to mention the earth’s curve). So the point is that this is what finally jarred me a bit into the present (although the yoga class probably had a bit to do with it too) and made me realize “God, maybe I am going to miss this place a bit.” When the teacher asked me if I was planning on ever coming back, it made me think about what it would be like to come back in 20 years or something, walking along all the streets on which I spend so much time, looking for all the familiar cityscapes, perhaps even coming back to the yoga studio itself. And it was obvious- nothing would be the same, everything, really, would have been lost. Then I felt a sort of proactive nostalgia.

In any case the dramatic and bittersweet Astor Piazolla music I’m listening to right now is making me self conscious of the affect of what I’m writing, and thus robbing it of it’s authenticity and spontaneity. So that’s enough of that for now.

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Comments

[paul quackenbush]

I'll be there soon Matt!
Enough of your logorrea Matt! When I get there you can just be my official tour guide, and you won't have to think at all, we'll just have some fun. Love, DAD

[kquack]

it is interesting to realize just how light our existence really is--at the same time, i've found that the best way to at least create perceived permanence and significance is through reaching outward. opening a door, smiling at someone, asking why something couldn't be better and taking action to improve it...while these things seem small, consider the fact that one of your good actions could catch in someone else's "logorrea" as you call it, and impact them. anyways, i'm not wise...but those are just some random thoughts to consider! hasta pronto señorrrr