Tie me KANGAROO down Sport

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Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie - wheh wheh wheh...Ozzie - wheh Ozzie - wheh Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie wheh wheh wheh....

So, country numero 7, but still in stage 2...only a wee short flight across the sea to Sydney baby yeah, where opera singers sing in funny shaped arched buildings and big iron bridges symbolizing the height of the industrial period grace the bay, plus apparently there's more sunshine than Ireland - but what do I care, I spent 5 months in South America!!!! And so, a friend called Torso (whom I met in Buenos Aires) had delightfully prepared to pick me up and escort me back to his personal hostel - his families house to prepare me for a fright and a half when I had to grace my eyes over that beast of a sister they call Luigi for the first time in 6 months...and worse still, the Ogre Aisling was joining also...I needed some preparation!! Awesome, relaxation on a sitee with a T.V and fridge and garden and all sorts - what are these amenities one talks of...they sound good, lets go go go....continue

So, 3 days of doing...well not very much in Sydney except lying around, so lets jump straight on that plane to Melbourne where I'd have 1.5 hours to wait until the hong kong fuey jui jitsu jet came flying in with the 2 caged animals....I was starting to get scared - reeeeally scared. 45 minute flight was sound, until...the door opened, and I walked out into the Wilderness of Melbourne airport in what seemed a helicopter school and surrounding warehouse...How the hell could a 747 land here...this couldn't be an international airport...? “No sir, yelped the lady behind the desk...this is Avalon!” Avalon, what - that legendary island with lovely juicy apples set in a paradise bay? I inquired...”Nah...! Avalon Melbourne, the international airport is the other side of the city” You whaaaaaaaaa!.......*poo*

So off I raced to get on a bus into the city to catch another bus out to the other airport to see Louise with my tailor made sign before her flight got in...and both buses was going to take at least 2 hours...oh dear, she was going to roll my ….....* But all was cool, cos fui jitsu tai-kwondoo jumbo jet Jimmy was delayed and I had a few minutes to gain my breath before the hugs and tears and laughter of joy would start! And they did...awesome, waiting 6 months for a moment that you know is going to get your heart racing, and it passes in seconds - an amazing joyous moment for me in the travels do far, and one I will not experience for at least another 4 months...(you best be ready with them arms and tear-glands missy Gail Byrne...lol)

MELBORNE

So, yeah off we hitched round Melbourne for a week - cool beans staying at Aisling’s mates flat - big shout out to the legend that is Pete, awesome bloke who basically moved out while we wrecked his flat - did he not know what he was letting himself in for like!..Melbourne backpackers again though had a sofa, a bigger TV than Torso's and comfiest sleep I'd had since I left bonny Belshaft! That bed was hummmmmmmmazing (even if louise's average of 5 farts a night sometimes tickled me senses, but that can be forgiven). And boy did I take full advantage of it...yep yep yep...straighten that back out cos the pains are coming back in my legs please...

Melbourne quite a nice city, in hindsight I preferred it to Sydney, but then I preferred Daintree River to Sydney...so there wasn't much to try and beat that! It kinda hit me after a few days that I was out of backpacking mode, Luigi and Aisling were in essence on holiday, with money to burn and fun to have...who am I to complain - this was further enhanced by the fact I was chugging around 2 wardrobes on wheels for my new found travel buddies...’Poshpackers’ as we like to call them in the lonely planet world! ...he he he...Well, a nice wee pick up from Chloe (Lucas who is aisling's brother, well his girlfriends sister) picked us up and took us to Barry Island, wasn't really called barry island but that sounds cool! Any-wwho, went round the mini race track in the go-carts, I won of course...and then went to the penguinn parade, so Percy could feel at home..That was awesome, never seen that boy smile soooo much in my life!!! Highlight of Melbourne though had to be going to the museum which was exhibiting a piece on Salvador Dali, the Spanish Catalan Surrealist Painter who published works throughout the 20th century. Now I'd researched a lot of his work before in school, but it was more his surreal movement and the 'messed up' pieces he'd previously done. This collection displayed items from various collections around the world and showed his progression from an early boy at the age of 12 right up to his final workings in 1982 at the grand old age of 77 (or so). Awesome exhibition, but alike all the other 'Kodak moment' shots I've visited over the last few months, the crowds again somehow took away from the atmosphere, and bustling through a mass of people with heads and arms getting in your way can be irritating. Would have loved to stay longer, but a dinner invite on the 32nd floor was in order...and so off to leg-end Pete's parent's apartment we went for a lovely meal prepared by his doting mother. Can I just say a special many thanks to Pete and his family for making our stay in Melbourne that bit more special and relaxing. He truly went out of his way to accommodate us and it did not go unnoticed... And from Melbourne, the poshpackers get a lift to the airport (courtesy of guess who?) - I get the bus...lets go then conductor dude - get this show on the road - Sydney awaits!

SYDNEY

Flying into Sydney about an hour or 2 after the girls got in, it was no surprise to catch them outside drinking wine as I lumbered my backpack round the corner to the hostel...ahhh, this is how we start...well, might as well start as we mean to go on...and we did. Bag dumped, smelly stuff applied, phone call to Torso, bar entered, beer ordered...and - reeeeelax! Because this was going to be a long night, Torso had flaked to bed feeling ill and Aisling got chucked out before it had even reached midnight - what was it , like 11:15pm...out first encounter of the rare breed of complete twits that loiter around Australia's bars and backstreet. People say that they were the result of a test tube experiment that went horribly wrong when their DNA was somehow matched with that of a walrus and a cockroach and a pinch of salt, others suggest that they were mothered by psychotic ancient spider monkeys in the deep deep jungles of southern Poland during the Russian communism strikes. I just reckon they're idiots. Government officials refer to them as 'social-peacekeepers', all the rest call them 'Bouncers'...I would love to swear to convey me true feelings, but mum will have my …...*, so for now lets just agree that they don't come too high on my Christmas card list! And noooo, you may think that this may be a special occurrence for the capitol...but alas...they are everywhere - (except Port Douglas- but that's too far north to count)...don't worry, I'm sure there'll be more references in the rest of this text. Any-whoooooooo....out one bar into the next, and if we are too drunk then surely the only place that will let us in has to be an Irish bar - onto Scruffy Murphy's it is then! Typical hole of an Irish bar, but the craic's great guaranteed - and if they don't have it I'm sure Aisling was gonna put on a dribbling show for us...which she duly did with her young prodigy- Miss Louise Byrne...ejits...another 3 weeks with these 2 seems fun...hmmm, I'm having 2nd thoughts already. They duly died and had to go home...ciao ciao...I'm only starting to get pissed!

So on the night went, and all of a sudden...one of them backpacker occurrences...You meet someone you've met before on your travels, have a second glance and try to work out where from...but you're only thinking like the last few weeks. This girl was from the night of my birthday in La Paz, like 3 months ago....mental...and she's cut her hair, and she was still cute...so off I went with her for the rest of the evening's activities for a waltz around Sydney until the sun came up. Great craic street walking, especially when you bump into a bunch of homeless abbo's (aboriginals) and their white grandmother, and they give you a sip of their goone and fill you in on some of life's homeless psychology. That was a good night...

Home to bed...and.....

MICHAEL JACKSON's DEAD!

But it wasn't me - I promise, I never spilt no blood on the dancefloor!

Sooooooo, Day 2...Torso back in action...local tourguide, few tinnies of Jim Beam and Coke - pre-mixed, and lets hit this Opera house for a chorestral movement piece on the flying of the mother swan - why not! A long walk through what seemed to be endless endless tall buildings and skyscrapers...I mean seriously..You could have walked into Belfast from the Ormeau Rd, and out up the shore road in the time of these skyscrapers - this city is massssssive! Few tinnies later and I felt I was ready to have a dance with a techno-dancyn-bodypainting-boombastic-didgeridoo player, Torso in hand, we danced and laughed our socks off...the girls just watched on with sore heads! On round the corner and we were now at the waters edge in full view of this world famous building...I do admit it is pretty remarkable structure - definitely worthy of a Kodak Moment or 2, especially with a penguin in tow! The girls fancied their first wine, me and torso fancied our 4th beer...and with that a loud scream was spread across the crowds...

“excuse me folks, could I please have you attention for a minute. Could we all now please raise our glasses and give a warm cheers to Michael Jackson.. The King of Pop who sadly passed away from us this morning...?”

Not much of a reply, except from a young couple a few metres away...and then a soft hysterical laughing voice:

“Mark, sit sown and stop acting an arse...!”

awesome....

I think after this Sydney was a night out in a nice part with nice food for Jenni's wedding party, good to see her again...except she was married...So my kids deffo aint having the shannon tree in their history - Damn! And so to King's Cross for messiness, and met a mate from home...4 saintfieldians in one place in Austrailia (Aisling got a special ticket)...This was bad - but only to get worse, for the next day we had a car rented to drive up to Byron Bay and unite with another family duo - the Irvines! Oh dear - very O dear! Said ciao Ciao for now to Torso, picked up the Toyota Corolla longback, which turned out to be a ….... yep you guessed it: HI - UN - DYYYYYYYYYE.... you want to have heard me curse that livid thing!....lets go Disco...Byron Bay, nah Byrne Bay by the time we've finished with it!

ROAD TRIP (part uno)

So a 10 hour drive started, out of Sydney on the freeways I was the first to drive, not too bad though, I was already used to the Plastic fantastic factory that is installed I every Hyundai, although this was a luxury model and hence got some double stitched dyed cloth and an automatic gearbox, sweeet…still prefer the merc, but beggars can’t be choosers! Up the road for a hour or so, quick coffee in Newcastle, got lost trying to leave…nearly in an argument…but alas,,,luigi is always right and she was - HIGH 5! Up the road a bit more, stop at a beach and step in the sea…you drive louise, I’m knackered…sore toes and that…SO the last part of the journey was her.! Can’t really say much more about a 10 hour road trip except that the inside of the car looked like a toddlers play pen after a slumber party by the time we’d finished. And into the hostel wit a big roaring deep recognizable voice blasting through the air - “Mrs Byrneeeeeeeeeee”…Hello gareth, 2 tiks till we drop these bags and stuff…aye…the boys were already blocked, and we duly followed in their fashion with my first taste of goone. And it wasn’t the last for my travels in Austrailia! All I can say about this stuff is: it’s 4 litres of wine, it comes in a box, it costs 7 pound, it tastes vile, it has traces of egg and (or) shells in it, and it gets you completely steaming drunk - like lunatic drunk. It also had a reputation of turning me into a violent person on occasion - but in a good way of course! So we went out, and I’d love to pass comment on how that went but to be truthful - I can’t remember - ask the empty goone box…! Next day was an important day in history, not only for me but the history of our small picturesque village. No more antique shops and pubs and Fairview, we were going to put Saintfield firmly on the map. For it was the day 5 fellow friends had the remarkable revelation and business dream - To found the one and only ‘Saintfield Surf Club’ … (yep I know you are all wishing you drempt in first…but that’s why they call me an entrepreneur!) Off to the beach we go, freezing our tits off in shorts while all the other ‘experienced’ surfers have full body wetsuits - but what do they know - We’re from Saintfield!!! - this is warm.

It wasn’t…it was bloody freezing, and the cloud cover didn’t help things much. Didn’t stop the girls trying to sunbathe though did it! Ha! So yeah, surfing…think I should stick to playing kerbsees, cos I was hopeless…3 times I’ve tried and I’ve caught about 2 waves in 5 hours out in the sea - someone throw me that rugby ball! Back to the hostel, and crack into another box of goone…What happened - same answer…! Any-who, after much deliberation, we’d persuaded the Irvines to join us on our road trip up to Brisbane, car jam packed to the rim…Magic marco the racing/stunt/rally (delete where appropriate) driver professionellll in the hotseat…tunes are pumping…lets go disco !

ROAD TRIP (part duo)

So off we trekked to Brisbane, I think it was only about 4 hours this time so I did all the driving…twas fine and good craic with Peter making us laugh in the back and the rest of the chat basically being fit for 6 year olds…All was good on the freeway, 4 lanes and traffic everywhere, night was coming down and the clouds had started to have a wee shower on us…all cool, journey was about to finito so aint to bothered….Until….

screech of tyres, smoke in the air, red lights lit up more than usual and…O dear…flying debris - this looks serious…Mark time to get that helmet on and prove your skills…there are lives at stake!!! Swish Swash swerve, all those hours playing gran turismo on playstation paid off as I did a full frontal flip flop hopscotch twist and shake through what seemed to be a total destruction derby…And then…no more cars…where we safe? Was this a dream…Did this happen…”Are you okay”…whimpered louise - yeah cool I said, “you sure?”…aye…I think so…’f**k it - drive on’ came a voice from the back…and off we trotted!

Basically, I’d just managed to swerve through (at least) a 6 car pile up across 4 lanes of carriageway, because there were certainly no more cars came through after the Hyundai diced with death! I was in the fast lane (as always), the car 3 in front slammed on the brakes for a dog, the car behind went into him, the car in front of me went into him…I’d seen the bright red lights off the first car and slowed down dramatically…then slammed the pedal to the floor…I wasn’t going to stop in time, so I swerved left automatically, then back into our lane again, thinking I was going to hit another car, still not going to stop, quick peek in the mirror, I swerved in again ….and all I did was watch the rear end of the car in front hit the other car and bounce out into the other lane (which I was now in)…watching his bumper I tried to keep as close as I could…screw what was happening on the other side I didn’t even look…But apparently, exactly the same was happening over there…And Peter watching through his window said there was about half a metre to play with. There was about 3 inches on my side…!!! Talk about a tight fit! So yeah…that was fun…!...Nearly as good as your incident with the milk float dad, except I had skill!

And into Brisbane, hearts still racing, but now we had to find the bloody rental place before it closed and drop the car off…we had 10 minutes! Mental directions…and to be fair all our hearts were still beating, if any car made a maneouvre towards us, we all seized up - pretty funny actually! Keys dropped, half a ton of luggage taken out the back and taxi to the hostel…beer anyone? - I’ll have a bloody keg! So that night mainly consisted of getting hammered, the boys were leaving the next day, and after the traveling we weren’t in the mood to move anywhere. But twas some fun with a random American hippie granny talking crap and again - ahhhhhh, the pleasures of goone!

Aint sure what we did the next day, did we go to the Zoo? Don’t fink soo, anyway not remembered so can’t have been too interesting! But yeah, we did go to the ‘Austrailia Zoo’, Steve Irwin ring any bells. Think of Stingray, Spike and Heart..! That was cooool…And probably the first proper touristy thing I’d done in Austraila…well the first one that made me feel proper traveling again…Saw loads animals, stared at the elephants - which I still think are my favourite animal, laughed at the lazy koalas, fed the wee kangaroos - which was wellll cool, and watched the crocodile show in the world famous crocoseum. Basically, mentalist Ozzies tempting fate by dragging crocodiles out of their pens and feeding them meat. Yeah…I’m happy with my desk job thanks! A highlight had to have been bumping into Steve Irwins wife and their son, picture of him holding Percy and me and Aisling in tow - Awesome! Home on the train to hostel cos tomorrow we’re jumping on a bus…north north north… Apparently there’s some reef up there with loads of colourful fish, snorkels and more goone… More goone you say, why wait…!?

WEIRD COLOURFUL FEEEEESHES! <(((><

So….off to the beach…Airlie Beach in fact! Whitsunday’s! Quite a nice spot to be fair…lots of turistic stuff going on, I can see why Simon (yacht guy - you’ll hear about him later - spent 7 months there!), and Rob is currently working there trying to save the monies…Our 3 day boat trip had been booked in Brisbane by our now official tour guide - Miss Louise Byrne, organized as ever…I was just waiting for the black notebook organizer to come out at every second…he he he. So we hung around for a night, the girls faded and went to bed, I met up with a childhood friend - Neil Waters and got drunk till silly hour in the morning - again! Met 2 stunning Dutch birds in a club, tried my hardest and failed…ahh well, better luck next time! Next morning turned up at the boat deck, waiting to be called aboard…and to my pleasurable surprise - there they were - the 2 stunning dutch birds from the previous night…Now, let me tell you I don’t pray much, but boy did I pray they were on my boat…three days in what could be called the carribean of Austrailia with them, I was sure to make some progress…But my prayers weren’t answered - RAGING…ahh well, better luck next time I thought as they twindled off to their separate yacht, might see them at sea - this was not the case - but anywho…Plenty more fish in the sea (pardon the punn!)

So we boarded, got briefed by out somewhat pretty hot Swedish skipper, and off we set…Nobody knew anyone.,.I decided to turn on the burnsie fashion and become loud as always - it worked. I can guarantee everyone knew who I was on that boat by the end of the first hour…he he he. Eventually, popped to our first port of call and they called the scooba steve wannabee’s forward to go diving, my feet were itching, I just wanted to go for a swim - I was sweating me tits off! I can’t scooba Dive and never will be able to because of a stupid cotton wool budd and my curiosity as a kid, but that never killed the cat and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let it effect me… Sooooo, everyone has heard of this great barrier reef, everyone knows its like one of the wonders of the world or something, but until you put on them flippers and snorkel and jump in that water and look…..WOW! WOW! WOW! Machu Pichu, Iquazu falls, New Zealand landscape, and now the Great Barrier Reef - this kind of stuff is breathtaking! The colours, and the fish of different sizes and the coral wish washing in the current…it truly is amazing - what a sight. Three days of this…I was definitely sure of a good time. Not going to really comment much on the next three days, because they were all the same…Diving in the moist amazing waters, and having a few jars at night followed by a picture show of the days activities was the usual scenario. We did visit Whitehaven beach which has to be one of the most beautiful (if not) the most beautiful beach I’ve ever stepped foot on, and did the whole perspective shot photo’s - alike those at the Salt Flats in Bolivia. Cool pics, check them out. So yeah…do good times, and the smiles across Louise’s and Aislings faces proved they enjoyed it as much as me…Oh, also taught Louise how to do a backwards dive, well not really taught…just told her to wise up and jump! Good pictures with my scrotal sack in full view through a wetsuit…he he…and so, another slideshow, quick sleep and cruise back to Port for a bus to catch North.

CAIRNS

Well, if I’m being correct, I should really fit in Mission Beach, but that was a night…and we didny do nout because luigi’s skydive was cancelled…So onto Cairns the day after…gave the greyhound a quick stroke around his neck, he growled…I slapped him, said I wasn’t going to talk to him again…Heel Boy Heel! And hopped off the bus in glorious sunshine. We were now near the top, the sun was out and suntan times were at last revealing themselves to us. Hip Hop Happy Days! Cairns was going to be good, I could feel it.

So into a random hostel on the first night which was free accommodation because we booked the tour round WhitSundays… One night there, of course on the piss, but luigi disappeared home for a rafting experience the next day, quite quiet to be fair. Apart from the skinnydipping in swimming pool at the end of the night, but sure….he he he…so, wake up wake up, check out at ten… Aisling and I chugged all the luggage, and all the grocery bags and ourselves round to the other hostel…And you wanna hear about sweat and effort - I nearly died, but we got there…landed the bags and went straight down to the lagoon to do some well earned sunbathing. Quite funny actually, listening to our Ipods, Aisling was eyeing up all the guys and I was eyeing up all the girls…people must of thought we were the weirdest couple ever. So that was basically all day, until luigi phoned and said she’d returned…then…yep…you guessed it - Goone time! Memories, well…I can do a bit better than last time, I know I was on a table singing Wild Rover, and I met cookie from Ballymena - good lad. Ejit though, as he’d frickin come out to go travelling, landed in Cairns and had stayed there for 6 weeks because the ‘craic was great’, move your arse and explore the world lad - Or the country at least! So how did the next few days evolve? Well, we had 2 nights of messing around getting drunk and playing during the day…relaxing…and we were heading up to Port Douglas for the final stages of the trip n e who…But…Did meet an awesome gorgeous Scottish girl, who, after all my efforts and charm…still managed to turn me down for a pek on the cheek! Have I not learned anything yet with how to play this so called ‘Game’…?..apparently not, but she still loved me at heart… ha ha ha…final late last night, on me own…the girls were - yep, guessed it - BED! And to be fair I was just out trying to pull Louisa (Scot bird), lol…bed for 4, up for 7 30, bus at 8…I’ve done this a million times - no sweat! 45 mninutes with a cool minibus driver to keep the girls occupied, I’m going to have a snooze!

PORT DOUGIE WOUGIE 3 SHOES

Sooooooooooooo….in the word’s of Dame Bowers “has it come to this…oh, yeah yeah hoooo”…the end is in sight! A few more days with my darling sis, and then on my own… Now I had tried to change flights to get out of this dear, expensive, piss-up, deja-vu of England (with sun) of a country, but apparently it was going to cost me 400 deep sea squids…deffo not worth it! But, as all random ‘winging it’ cases go, I stepped upon what turned out to be a goldmine of an offer! So a few days earlier in Cairns whilst we were booking the 1 day boat trip in Port Douglas with our mate Richie at the hostel, I saw an advert for crew on a boat - No experience needed, just pay for food and fuel…No accommodation fees - this sounds awesome! Phoned up Simon (the skipper) and he was cool, so as the girls floated off on their catamaran to the islands again, I was shooting back to Cairns to meet Simon to ‘dissappear’ for 3 weeks! (but not before I fit a coffee in with lovely Louisa first!) Couple of tears bye at 8 in the morning is never good, but ciao ciao luigi…its been fun, see you in December gurlie…enjoy. Aisling, have a shower because you stink! Off I trotted back down to Cairns….

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So, for now, that’s your first half of the Austrailian experience (well the luigi part anyway)…The next 3 weeks were spent upon ‘Absconder’ were we did just that, away from civilisation and the world most of the time…It was a truly awesome adventure…But to be fair my fingers are about to fall off…My dissertation in uni took me less time than this…so for now I’m going to have to love you and leave you and get my fingertip cuticles re-waxed to prepare for the next typing instalment!...

In a bit…

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Photos

welcome party
who says I aint a graphic designer...eh?!?!?

some broken eggshells
Kodak moment - CLICK!

Percy's uncle
shame he was stuffed, Percy told me they had a lot of chat to catch up on

aboriginal rave baby
you like my moves?!?!?

robot walking
this path brings back memories of no stop laughter...amazing!

Saintfield Surf Club
Our first business meeting, obtaining premisies, locating equipment, signing up members and getting drunk!

Saintfield Surf Club
First outing