My Ex Boyfriend is a Sado-Masochist

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Well, since my decidedly unwelcome introduction into the world of dumpings (i.e. being on the receiving end of one of them) earlier this month, some rather surprising news has recently surfaced about the secret sexual predilections of Mr Darcy / Wickham / Fuckface, which in retrospect really does explain quite a lot and collectively makes me feel a whole lot better as to why it all ended as it did (even if said revelations did cause substantive emotional trauma to my poor unsuspecting self at the time). Without naming my sources or going into detail as to how this traumatic discovery first came to light, it was recently by chance revealed that Mr Fuck is something of a BSM / MSM fetishist who frequently advertises on the internet for a partner in leather-clad, horsewhip wielding domination - gender immaterial. Now while I am not so closed-minded as to cast judgements on others for their shall we say “alternative” sexual tastes, this news did understandably come as a something of a shock / slap in the face on initial discovery, not to mention making me heartily regret ever having let him ever go anywhere near me with that bastard cock of his in the first place (God knows where the damn thing has been before now…). But oh well, at least I know now why I didn’t ever really come up to scratch in his eyes - I was simply just too “vanilla” for his liking….

Anyway, in the meantime I have been very successfully doing the rounds of Prague’s eligible (and not-so-eligible) men in a sustained attempt to erase the memory of Mr Fuck (in either guise as smooth-talking gentleman or ready and willing bisexual slave) once and for all out of my mind. In the last three weeks the men in my life have therefore been as follows:

Mr Canadian - A nice but bearded guy I met up with through expats on Valentine’s Day (beard aside quite good looking but lost major brownie points when didn’t pay for dinner).

Mr Czech - A linguistically challenged local guy I got chatting with at the business park last week (ended up cancelling on him after he called on Wednesday and I realised he couldn’t actually speak English).

Mr Old - A saggy-skinned, grey-haired Del Boy type practically old enough to be my father, who bought me countless super strong mojitos at Bombay last Monday. To my shame I ended up drunkenly rewarding him for his efforts by then proceeding to get off with two of his much younger, more good looking mates in front of him, before rounding the night of with a very B.I.G. style exit - i.e. turning round, kissing him and both friends in quick succession, then brazenly striding out the door without even offering to pay for at least one of my drinks (though karma eventually got its own back by afflicting me with a serious hangover at work the next day though…)!!!

Mr Welsh - One of said friends from Monday night, who (after two nights in recovering) I met on Thursday for yet more B.I.G. cocktails but bizarrely nothing more than that - in the cold light of sobriety I don’t think either of us were just that into the other any more... Not that I cared - the important thing is that I got purchased free cosmos all evening and didn’t have to pay anything back (in kind or otherwise) as a result!!! Nice one!!!

Mr Ugly - Now peripherally back on the scene after having randomly bumped into him on the street with Dutch Girl last week. Did actually follow up on his request to drop him an email this week, as may want to find a new job in Prague in the not-so-distant future and he just happens to run the top recruitment agency for multilingual foreigners in this city - no other motivation involved (except maybe a freebie night out while we discuss potential career moves too)!!!

However, the latest B.I.G. offensive quite definitely culminated this last weekend in a hedonistic night out with Dutch Girl - starting out at a gay colleague’s birthday party in Vinohrady after work (we were about the only straight ones present!), then taking us on to Bombay for yet more mojitos in the company of Jose (one of the original Mr America’s friends) and Kai (a friend / colleague of the both of them), before finally bringing us to a previously unexplored night club / strip bar near the Charles Bridge, where we proceeded to watch a woman fuck herself with a dildo on stage (truly one of the least erotic sights imaginable) and stay there dancing till dawn. Inevitably perhaps Dutch Girl and I did not end up sleeping in our own beds that night, but all ended up at the (extremely nice) flat of Mr American II instead, where Dutch Girl ended up indulging in a secret fuck (secret cause Mr American I can never find out) with Mr American II and I spent the night with Kai (aka Mr Huge), a Ghanaian born, UK raised freelance Project Manager with houses in the UK and Switzerland, a sauna in his Prague flat, a seriously fit body - and an enormous BMW to boot… ;-) Don’t know quite what will happen on that front from here on in, but have somehow committed myself to cooking my speciality of risotto for the four of us when I’m back from the UK, so no doubt there will end up being an equally as impressive repeat performance at some point in the not-so-distant future…

But the B.I.G. story does not end there!! The next Saturday (having only left Mr American II’s flat at about 5pm the next day…) I actually had a second date already lined up with Mauric, another expat who I’d chatted to randomly through the website and was now meeting up with for the first time tonight. In the event said Mr Mo turned out to be wholly urbane, witty, multilingual, well-travelled, and intelligent (not to mention not all that bad looking either) - in short so the type I would have gone for in my oh-so-studious, pseudo-intellectual, social climbing university days, but these days waaaay too sophisticated / pretentious for my current fun-loving, wild child Prague incarnation! As it was I had to put on my Cambridge hat for the evening (hey, even I can still play the intelligence card if needs be), though admittedly this did descend somewhat into uncontrolled verbal diarrhoea as the evening progressed (blame red wine combined with the sheer heady exhilaration / chronic exhaustion from the evening before). Either way, the important thing is that he picked up the tab at the end of the night - quite a big deal too considering that the bill came to almost 2000 kč for the two of us - and I don’t think I even had to give him more than a peck on the cheek outside the restaurant before staggering back to my own place afterwards!!!

So in short the B.I.G’s are excelling themselves yet again - just when I think we’ve topped ourselves on the whole hot guy / free drinks / expensive restaurant front, each and every time we somehow manage to take it one step further!!! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - only in Prague and nowhere else could this life ever, ever be possible!!!!!!!!! I’m never living anywhere fucking else in the world again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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