3rd time lucky New Zealand!

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Please read Canada & then USA before this blog, it makes more sense to crazy lingo

Time for a shift in gear. Forget the fear and be grateful you are here.

It’s the Chinese year of the Rabbit, my year. This is my year. Anyone else born in 1975, it’s your year too, so grab it and do all of those things that have been burning away in your subconscious for years. I think of my word...DETERMINATION.

Over the seas and far away, to the other side of the world. I couldn't be any further away from home if I tried... New Zealand has been calling me back for a long time, third time around and I wonder if it will capture my heart in the same way as it did with Grandad and Jen the last two years we have been coming here. It could just be the three musketeers that were so brilliant about each trip to 'Gods country'. (My bro informs me this is a reference to how beautiful NZ is, and not a godbod gesture in case you think I’ve moved over to the dark side, I enjoy sin way too much).

Speaking of sin, my last day in LA is spent investigating Scientology with Rob, for a giggle, kind of. Cruise HQ is MASSIVE, sickly pastel blue and it reeks of weird and Topgun. They can smell fakers a mile off, and we're both a bit intimidated to be fair, so we head to a museum that is quietly funded by Cruise HQ 'Psychiatry an Industry of Death' which seems a little more relevant since I got the loony father sectioned last year, so yes I’m curious. The brainwashed assistant tells us to sign in before we get the tour, she talks in monotone with uncertainty in her voice, eyes flickering to the ceiling with every 'fact' before she ushers us into the padded cell, locks the door and flicks on the film. The lights go out. Rob is certain he's about to be buggered any second by Cruise. We watch in horror at the propaganda flashing across the screens, unrelated upsetting images of the holocaust, slavery and wars. Nameless nobodies tell us of the evil that is medicine and how the medics don’t have a clue what they are doing, they diagnose unnecessarily, they're all just in it for the cash. Pseudoscience. Interesting. Especially since the US doesn’t have free healthcare, the case for prescribing drugs for profit would make sense. Hey convince folk they are mad too and we'll do some lobotomy’s and when that’s banned and we screw up JFK's sister along with many others, we'll target the new generation of excitable kids in schools and call it a disease, get them on ADH drugs and retire at 40. It’s a little black and white, but I can agree that all these new anxiety disorders that are being 'discovered' and then further prescribed for is getting out of control, for the US. (I think I have Brazilianxiety disorder after I was robbed, must ask the robot what she thinks.) Since the UK receives healthcare benefits, this story on profit driven medicine doesn’t add up so much. I ask robot number 2 what the alternative is for diagnosed mentally ill people. I’m told vitamins. Oh right, so you're against medication but your 'special vitamins' will help. Ok, so what about people like my father, who I had to get sectioned before he hurt himself or somebody else, he was given medicine... ''POISIONNNNNNNNN'' robot2 interrupts. I reply calmly... No Lithium, and it made him better. Cancer treatment is poisonous but what’s the alternative, die?? Robot2 senses the challenge and shoves a website address at us and we make our escape before I pound his Cruise buggered head. The website is True hope, and is a link to the scientology scandal, buy these vitamins and be freed! I’m just amazed how this freaky cult has evolved and places like that are allowed to exist. Maybe the alien who has my soul will enlighten me one day. My retreat quest seems to have turned into a religious obstacle course, get me out of here! Hope Travolta isn’t flying that plane tonight... Rob, we have more controversial missions to complete in the future, clear the head fog and stay away from vitamins and skullbuggery.

I leave LA on the 20th January, and arrive into Christchurch on the 23rd, hard to get my head around, New Zealand is in the future! I take a long transit stop in Sydney and bag myself a free visa to leave the airport, jump a bus and burn on Bondi for the day. Wow that place has changed, it’s like Blackpool on Steroids, packed with zillions of European kids getting drunk with bad tattoos and a story how they got wasted the night before. I’m surrounded by cockney accents and vulgar ass cracks red and white poking through Billabong shorts and singlet’s, all trying to blend into the natural way the aussies do it. Being a pro surfer I spot how the surf flatlines after hurtling in high and doesn’t peel at all, the European wannabies get about a half second ride before being smashed into the water, pointless! PPfffttt!! The Aussies have had a really rough time with floods and cyclones, Planet Nature is trying to tell us something...
I feel at home already...

I spend the next couple days in Christchurch jetslag recovering, and getting set up for kiwi life for the next 3 months. New sim card, electric leads, car, sun factor, maps, touch base with contacts, planning and SLOOOWWW DOWWWN. I need to shake the American dream off my sore shoulders and chill. I’m in God’s country now! Christchurch is still recovering from the quake they had a few months back, it was a big one that reached 7.1 and took down a lot of the city. Luckily nobody was killed, so lucky. Again 'Nature' speaks to us. But why punish Oz and NZ when the USA are consuming like a tornado. The big freeze hits Chicago and 30 other states and its natural to wonder how much more our planet is going to take from us?
A ticket to a buskers festival gets me a night of kiwi comedy and a burlesque show with a twist. I manage to sit by the only two freaks in the whole venue, a couple of 50 something lesbians absolutely stoned with big red sunglasses on stuffing their faces with hotdogs. Fortunately they don’t even spot me, but they heckle the whole show shouting things like 'I’m blazed man speak up! I want another hotdog and a smoke!' Leaving me in the firezone of the comics who think I’m the sidekick. I just roll with it, what the hell, bag of donuts and a beer later and I make my way back to the hostel excited to head to Timaru to visit my Grandads brother and wife, my great Uncle Ken and Aunt Monica.

I LOVE NEW ZEALAND!!!!!!

I’m staying at Centre Hill Organic Farm in Pleasant point with Ian the farmer, the 3 musketeers stayed at his cottage and we've kept in touch since. Ian is a farmer with a difference, interesting, eccentric, alternative, kind, spiritual, tree hugger, generous and a complete nuttah, just my kind of guy! He takes WWOOF'ers from all around the world on his farm, Willing Workers on Organic Farms (check out the website WWOOF.com if you fancy travelling they have the scheme all over the world) aswell as hosting a cottage to international guests, managing paddocks, grazing cattle and producing zillions of organic spuds, he's a machine. Ian kindly offers me a bed in the farmhouse and welcomes me into his home, it’s so comfy to feel like you're at home and I really appreciate it and hope to help out on the farm as much as possible. I want to learn everything I can about hosting, organic produce, farming, weather, and resources everything and anything I’m like a sponge, and it’s all great research for the retreat! I planned to stay just a few nights but end up staying for almost 2 weeks and had so many lessons of life, love and nature. It’s just as amazing as it was before, the mountains have no snow on them this time, but hug the cottage and the trees bow in the wind and the air feels fresh and I have a gut feeling this is going to be good!

I head straight to the Home where my relatives live, and surprise them with a friendly scouse smile and hugs. It’s so good to see them, Ken has alzheimer's but doesn’t miss a beat when he sees me, and grins pointing 'I know your face! Michelle!' It’s so lovely to be able to here again, each year I think it’s the last time and somehow I end back here again, what does that say? Monica grin is so big, I quickly remember why I love them so much. Over the next few days I spend a few hours with them a day at the home, Ken is not keen on leaving the joint and Monica is hesitant to leave him, she worries a lot, maybe too much in that it’s not healthy for her either. It’s quite difficult in the Home since they sit in Mon's small little bedroom, Ken doesn't speak too much he gets confused and Mon tells me about all her woes and worries about life, the Home, families, health, money and I’m desperate to break the environment especially how she's now moved onto telling me all about their funeral arrangements, please let’s get out of here, it’s too depressing! I refuse the offer of lunch at the home or play housie, and tell them that no arguments they are coming out...this is day 4. Monica lets me take her to town the next few days, we leave Ken at the home disappointedly. She’s a tough cookie and marches around getting her errands done, but she seems more vulnerable this year 😞

I pick up a hitchhiker on the way to the Home, it’s about a 30 minute drive past a main highway and I feel for him and his massive rucksack, plus I’m bored of driving on my own. He’s a young boy (easy!) from Germany called Felix travelling down south, I drop him at the main highway after chatting with him about his civil service in the German military that is mandatory. Is it madness that countries are preparing an army without a war? Monica tells me about her and a friend picking up 2 hitchhikers before she was married, one for each of them she giggles! We visit some old friends of hers, Les and Hilary who were so pleased to see her, and Beverley an ex copper who seems to really care about them, still calls her Mrs. Elliot though like a true cop. I discover Afghans, no not a Middle Eastern fella, a delicious cornflake, toffee, biscuit homemade by Bev with other delights.

I really need to curb the crap since I’m all organic now. Still no fags, not one, in fact only just thought about them thinking about how healthy I am again, 3 months down, life to go! I really need to run more, twice only since I got here, what a sham. No time being a farm girl and home help to the folks, chef and host in the evening. Ian has guests at the cottage and I help (be nosey) by chatting with them, a couple from Auckland looking to buy a house. Ian has 3 paddocks for sale they could build on, he is looking for likeminded people interested in farming organically, maybe to start a project together with him and the farm. His own little harem, I mean commune, I mean community 😊 I’m kinda interested myself and Ian takes me out on the bike to wander around the paddocks. What a view... I love this place. Be ideal too with Ian’s knowledge, generous nature to share and ideas, not to mention contacts. I’m just not sure I’m too fond of Timaru being my closet city, it’s a bit redneck and I just don't feel it there, plus Caroline Bay isn’t great so would lose the coastal attraction. Be nice to live at Centre Hill for sure, and to be around so many amazing people... maybe star that olive tree production I longed for in Italy... I’m not sure... Whilst admiring the paddocks Ian shows me some scorch marks on the grass in one of his isolated paddocks, being open to the idea that 'We are not Alone' he points out circles (that I do see) in the grass made by a potential aircraft. There are 3 of them lined up with a fat trail behind, within each circle is a perfect smaller circle of untouched grass, rather like crop circles. The grass is definitely swollen and a different colour. I ask if it could be a bacteria or something in the soil, all possibilities. But Ian is certain that the Farm may have energy that draws UFO’s that either recharge the Farm with positivity or just scope the place out. I mean why not??? I grab the spliff out of his hand and decide I better drive the tractor home ;-)

Ian’s interest in spiritualism has me curious and I tag along to his meditation and learn more about this 'new teacher' Maitreya that is creating a stir, I’m assured that there will be no reference to God or Jesus whatsoever, and that Maitreya is simply energy that is connected to nature. The belief is to create good energy in the world created by me and you, by respecting nature and the elements and sharing the love... The belief is that the world will go POP before we realise this and we need to be prepared for this by living self-sufficiently, sharing and being a 'greenie'. All this will help us recover and the world will be a different place, with no monetary system or nuclear bombs. All very good in theory and I can see the issues and yes of course I want to live in a greener, more loving and generous world, but I can move to Vancouver for that surely?? The meditation group seem nice and they make me welcome, and then they chant...Hmm I’m sure I just heard a God reference...OK meditate.. shit this is difficult... OK focus... a voice comes onto a tape recorder... Maitreya....he gives us a 'message'. Oh fuck, not again. The imposter returns. Meditate...ignore the crazy Asian speaker on the tape recorder. I think back to Brian and I doing the Art of Living course and meditating and thinking it was all too much, but consequently got much more out of it than I had bargained for, always keep your mind open and expose yourself to different experiences!

I hear a faint voice and my head pounds a little, I feel like I’ve been wriggling around in my seat for 20 minutes. I’m shocked when I open my eyes and see that 90 minutes had passed in complete silence. Yup I've been meditating with a group of strangers and Ian the farmer, in someone’s house in New Zealand, with the Maitreya message lost in my mind clean out. I sleep like a baby that night. A good baby!

I interrogate Ian with millions of questions about this new teacher and agree that we do all need to step back and look at how much we consume, to live greener, to grow our own veggies. Yes I agree the supermarkets won’t last forever, or fuel, and that the world will go nuts and bomb everything. Yes I agree that the Federal Monetary system is screwed, printing more money won’t solve it. Yes I agree that we are all connected to nature, but that’s evolution, nature is evolution, everything is evolving. I don’t agree that we need a teacher to tell us this and listen to creepy tape recordings. But saying that, if you think about it, we are all teachers. I learnt from my mum, my grandad, Ian, my friends, Brian, my enemies, my boyfriends, my boss, my school, my family, I learn from everything I do, and I give back, I teach others. It’s what you teach and giving back that’s important right? Yeah it’s all a bit hippy commune speak, but I want to live in a world where we do all help each other and share, I want to have nature around me forever, I don’t want it destroyed by greed. Maybe people are that used to following someone, having that someone in power, labeling Maitreya as the New Teacher might be a great marketing ploy just to get everyone to be a better person, who knows. But it’s going to take more than positive energy to overturn Bush administration, solve 3rd world hunger, and abolish nuclear weapons. But I'll make a start anyhow ;-)

The next couple weeks I spend doing chores on the farm with Ian, learning something new everyday. We daily move the dairy cattle that Ian keeps for others farmers, to a fresh field to graze on new fresh organic grass. Ian doesn’t use any chemical fertilizers on any of his farm, after 3yrs you can get certified which Centre Hill Farm already was years ago. Then each year you get inspected to ensure you are still practicing organic methods. The cows are so tame, they moo as soon as they spot us ready to be moved the follow you to the gate and then pile through to the next field and get munching!

Ian has some other friends at the farm staying with him too, and it seems I’m here at just the right time to gain knowledge and awareness from some pretty spectacular people. Warrick is pushing 80 and is simply adorable. Direct, rude, insulting, shocking, wise, gentleman and very charming I bond with him immediately. He died 6yrs ago, Triple A (not triple T) Abdominal Aneurism Attack, he was lost on the operating table 3 times. After saving him, he was left partially deaf, partially blind, poor balance, and a colostomy bag that he takes no shame in after it farts 'Excuse me that’s my farting bag, I died 3 times and this is what it left me with, anyway back to talking about great ideas!' He helps me think about my retreat, the market, the economy, the plan B, the reality stuff and although I might have sounded slightly defensive I need more of this, I realise its healthy to be questioned instead of skipping along my travelling journey thinking I’m going to solve world peace. I’m accused of working for the police with my demand for so many answers ha! We share a sensitive moment when the fragile side came out, and a tear was shed by him, he's so grateful to be alive and still questions why and how. He feels strong emotion seeing good done by others. I feel lucky to have met him. He was the brains behind a seaweed used on grass to make it grow, he started organic babyfood 17yrs ago before we'd even heard the word organic, he created a huge apple cider brand from his organic orchards, he’s working on a new bacteria that dissolves waste with no water necessary, again all organic, no chemicals or massive consumption required. Simply fantastic!!! He's an ideas man, and that makes him extremely interesting to be around and listen to. He tells me if I’m passing his way down in Dunedin, then pass. Ha! I think about Grandad 😊 I’m in charge of dinners and we all eat together each night on the lawn, BBQ outside and talk organic and ideas, with the odd fart and did you just say limp penis??

After he leaves 4 days later, he tells me how he feels these last 4 days have been perfect and he couldn’t have wished for a better time on the Farm, or anywhere. There is something about this place for sure, it’s just Nature being amazing all around you, making you amazing?

Cameron is also staying at the Farm, she is really interesting and such a beautiful person. She radiates warmth, and it’s easy to be around her. She previously held retreats in China, based on Natures elements HELLO! She holds acupuncture clinics and can read and understand astrology, just amazing talent and everything I want to be into. She’s back in NZ since the quakes hit, it makes sense to be around your family and friends. She and Ian have some special chemistry and I tease the pair of them, Cameron takes it all in especially as she’s happily married and Ian’s looking for a new wife, any takers out there??? Mum?? Cameron reads my astrology chart by looking at my time, date and place of birth. It’s basically a mirror image of the where the stars and planets are exactly when you are born and looking up at the sky to them. It looks into the descending signs, against the plants and tells exactly the person you are relating to people, work, love. Yes you guessed it I’m great at everything! Well kind of, here’s a taster, see if you agree...? (fussy? a flirt?? me?)

DOB: 8/20/1975 11:35:00 AM
Ascendant: Libra
Sun sign: Leo
Moon sign: Aquarius
Mars sign: Gemini
Mercury sign: Virgo
Venus sign: Virgo
How others see you, Your Ascendant
People are attracted to you like bees are attracted to flowers! You don't even have to try—you're just that charming. Blessed with social grace, you have no social equal. With your eye for beauty, you know what looks good and what's missed the mark in matters of dress and décor. Your particular gifts may lie in music, art, or literature but for sure lie in diplomacy!Though you occasionally need rest and seclusion to recharge your batteries, you generally aren't big on solitude and prefer to have a pal or a partner in work and play. And you'll never lack for one for long with your natural graciousness and flair for the romantic.
Your Ego - Your Sun Sign
People rarely fail to notice you, for you have an air of royalty about you. Loyal and generous with your compliments, however, you make others feel like royalty too. If it's true that the entire world's a stage, then you are right at home because your flair for the dramatic has no equal. A Leo Sun gives you big dreams plus the determination it takes to fulfill them. You are in love with love, adding to your considerable charisma. When you love, you love with your whole heart and really make your special someone feel special. Lucky is the one who has you for a partner, because you above all others know how to keep the romance alive!
Your Personality - Your Moon Sign
You're the trendsetter! If your ideas appear unorthodox--even radical or shocking--that's because you're always ahead of the crowd and have the intellect and vision to look beyond the obvious or the conventional.
Your novel thinking and unique wit bring you a multitude of interesting friends. Even people living on the far fringes of society seek you out for they sense your unprejudiced view of the world and your recognition that we're all one human family. And while you really do attract all kinds, you most enjoy being with people who, like yourself, are free spirits who enjoy taking the road less traveled.
Your Intellect and Communication Style - Mercury
A gifted communicator, your mind works with the precision of a Swiss clock. And you're a cool head in a crisis. When others have lost all reason, your mind remains detached, diligently and concisely sorting out the facts of the situation. Your desire for perfection in all things makes you detail-oriented, but you rarely fail to grasp the Big Picture. You catch on quickly to say the least. Your determination to gain higher education and specialized technical skills will probably lead to both professional and financial success. You approach all types of partnerships with the same care you'd take in choosing a brain surgeon. But once you've committed, you're committed.
Your Relationships, Beauty, and Creativity - Venus
When it comes to love and relationships, you're the discriminating type. You know exactly what you want and you won't settle for less. You like the wholesome type, people who look after their health as well as their appearance; slackers need not apply. And neatness counts: you'd probably kick anybody out of bed for eating crackers. Witty and perceptive, you make engaging conversation and are an excellent listener. You take care of your partner in little ways, such as brushing a piece of lint from a sleeve or smoothing an errant cowlick, but also become indispensable in the bigger areas as well: from your cool head in a crisis to your unflinching reliability.
Your Passion, Drive, and Pursuits - Mars
Whoever said "I'll try anything once" must have had Mars in Gemini. Easily bored but never boring, you're an incorrigible flirt! Multi-tasker par excellence, you juggle multiple projects with ease. Master of satire and witty rejoinders, any who challenge you to intellectual competitions will soon be licking their wounds in a corner somewhere. If there exists such a thing as too much energy, Mars in Gemini is the poster child. Those with this placement often work excess energy off through playing a musical instrument or video game, painting, writing--anything that's varied and keeps your hands busy.

Certainly right about keeping my hands busy... ex trumpet extrodinaire and budding writer (and ex smoker but we wont think about that naughty one) If you want your chart read send me an email and I will direct you to a free site that will tell you all about the planets alignment at your time and place of birth, its really cool! You can also do it for your partner and see if you are cosmically matched! (Yes I did Wills, and it said we make great lovers...Hmmmmmm true but we also make great WWF opponents too)

We all get idea buzzing at the farm, and plan a retreat at the farm for March with a nudge from me. Cameron will be coordinating it based on her knowledge of Natures elements. I couldn’t think of a better place for the retreat to be held and I’m excited to be involved and to take part! I get Ian set up on FB to start the advertising campaigns not just for the retreat, but for the Organic farm, Centre Hill Cottage and potentially his 'Commune' project selling off the paddocks to build on. It’s nice to be able to help with something so simple, and so the teacher sets up Facebook, and in return Ian teaches me how to move cows and collect eggs from under the warm butts of hens 😊

My daily chores continue and I feed the chucks and collect the eggs, some of them still warm which I’m a bit URGH to begin with but then think about how amazing it is really??? I feel a bit tight on the hens, stealing the eggs, but they aren’t fertilized by a rooster so no baby chicks, just eggy stuff They are all organic so roam around the farm and follow you when you approach as they know its food time! Ian feeds them organic feed, plus all of our scraps, nothing gets wasted and it makes for healthy hens and fantastic eggs. I mow the grass where the animals don’t eat it, and all along the road circling the farm, but not with any old mower, this one is a go kart with blades! It’s fantastic and I zoom along the fields shredding everything in my path dodging rabbits and cowpats. That would just be plain wrong, unless you're into that type of 'shit' literally. Farm girl covered in cow shit anyone? Which reminds me, in LA there is a new beauty business hitting it big time. ASSHOLE BLEACHING. Seriously??? Its big with porn stars, eee dirty buggas wipe your arse properly and you wouldn’t need it bleaching! The hairdressers Euni sent me to in West Hollywood do the treatment, Euni are you not telling me something?? To think that whilst my locks were getting chopped someone out in the back was getting a ringsting. Rob, thanks for sharing, not your arsehole, the information. I'll keep it in mind for when I make my debut porn appearance if I ever do call the casting company that scouted me....starring Chloe Mclean!!! (you guessed it! first pet and mother’s maiden name)

The mowing went really well until I totaled it down a hill into a fence, trapping it in the wire mesh. Ian had to come rescue me with his tractor and a big chain to hook us out... All part of the journey Ian hey? (sorry...) The tractor is great, we head out to herd the calves into the new field to graze and its huge iron hand lifts the feed and powers through, the calves following behind dodging electric fences and my hands desperate to have a little stroke.

Ian loans me some CD's to answer my questions on the New Teacher. In brief, a crazy old Scottish guy called Benjamin Creme, was given a message from the Masters and then met Maitreya in a car on London bridge and was given a tape with messages for him to share from the world. Maitreya also built his own body in the last 6yrs but has been around for 8 million years and hangs around with Jesus. Wow. Jesus indeed, I stop my hand from hurtling the CD's out the window and thinking that somehow the old Scot might have stolen the story from Harry Potter, building his own body?? The message for love and peace, protect nature, share is still there but it’s coming from a Teacher who made his own body from energy, and then taped some messages for Ben to get around the world (and write some books and make a killing and retire in the Bahamas with 3 bunny girls). Why does God always have to have a connection to everything? Its NATURE, we are all matter, made from energy, hang on isn’t that what Maitreya is? Why tape messages??? How did he make his own body yet can’t feed the world??? Why some crazy old Scottish guy and not someone already in power??? Nope, I’m not bought into him. Surprisingly. I am however big into Nature, sharing, meditation, love and peace, Greenie tree huggers, and just being a better person. So there! I tease Ian, but he understands everyone has their own beliefs and he doesn’t enforce his, he's just happy I’m interested in the first place.

I go to the meditation group again, and decline politely to chant I’m happy to just clear out my head and this stuff seems to work. A slobber and a twitch and I’m awake again, was I asleep or was I meditating, I’m not sure?? I don’t remember anything?? Hey where have all my clothes gone! Why is my face masked??? Ha 😊 We visit some of Ian’s friends after the group, an English guy and a German lady both living in NZ for 7yrs and are loving it. When she opens the door to us, she hugs Ian and then simply stares at me with a searching kind of look. I walk in towards her and she says 'Your face!' I touch it immediately thinking I still have the meditation mask on it. 'What an interesting face! Oh wow!' Again, I touch my face and tell her new friends usually ask if I’d like a cuppa tea where I’m from. We sit and her husband chats about the kiwi life, roadrage and house prices. His wife still sits and stares at me smiling. She finally asks me my name and apologises for looking so much. I ask her what she does for a living, she tells me she is a holistic worker and asks immediately if I’m a healer, and then with tears in her eyes tells me in front of everyone that she feels overwhelmed by what she sees. I’m sweating a little wondering... She tells me that my face has a soul in front of me and as I walked through the door it glowed golden, and it was now in my aura, and that I am a healer, or that is what I am meant to be. I’m holding back my own tears and sudden rush of blood to the head. She has tears now and can’t explain much more, her husband strokes her arm and says to break the ice 'she’s German, very direct!' I wonder though....what did she see exactly???? Am I a healer??? What does this mean?? DETERMINATION. My retreat will be a healing place for everyone to share and feel the love, recharge and recover. This is what I was meant to be. This is what I was meant to provide. This was the lifestyle I’ve been craving. It's all good and I again feel lucky to have met such warm, interesting, and alternative people.

I manage to persuade Ken & Monica out to the farm horrrrrray, and we chill on the porch with some homemade pumpkin soup and fruit salad made by Ian wearing old straw hats I find in the farm. I give Monica a head massage and send her to sleep and Ken gets some sun on his baldness. The birds chatter so loudly it feels nice and calm, they are happy, no talk of funerals or sadness just happytimes and birdy chimes. They keep up the momentum until I leave a few days later and we head out to Geraldine to The Paddock for some fish n chips and then ice cream in the park Ken and Mon burp the journey home and I think about me and Josh trumping our way around southwest USA, I could easily spend another 2 weeks of him right now. Homesickness creeps in unexpectantly and I miss everyone suddenly and take a breather in the mountains after I drop the folks off. I guess I'm missing sharing the good stuff with my own familiar faces, my own blood, my own love. I miss Will.

I spot something on the evil that is FB that makes me feel betrayed by Will, and I finally draw a line. Enough is enough, why do I keep clinging onto the cracks??? I will never eat pickles again, not without thinking of that nose anyway, how unfortunate for her. I am sad....

I head to Kathryn’s (Monica & Kens daughter) for tea and we chat about her folks, health and work. She kindly offers a room at her place for next time I’m back now that her daughter and the kids have gone back to England. England.....yep still homesick! Brian her husband gets home and we have some vino and chat about farms and homos....Brians words not mine. He’s not a fan, I tell him that those who are homophobic usually are in the closet...I'll leave that one out there for you to chew on. Jeeez I know some stories from my gay friends about you 'straight' boys, bears, cubs and otters. Will was a metrosexual, very much a man, but very pretty, almost the double of his sister . Brian rants on and on about homos being wrong and then says the dirtiest thing I ever heard since Samantha on sex on the city tells the girls about the transsexual prostitutes outside her window shouting 'I’m gonna shit on your dick!' Yes vulgar (and a little bit funny). Brian goes up against her with;

'Who'd want a hairy arsehole when you can have a juicy fanny'

I’m absolutely disgusted. I tell him so in a very high pitch Joanna Lumley voice. How vulgar! Kathryn doesn’t say anything to him, and I’m a guest, a young woman (yes young!!!) who they hardly know and he says that. URGGHHHH! I doubt I can take the offer of the room now 😞 The evening aside from that was great, fresh fish for dinner and veggies and then fresh fruit we picked off their trees, apricots, peaches, plums all lovely and juicy, just like Brians fanny on his head!

Last day with the folks and we hang out in the vineyard eating, drinking, more eating, more drinking and playing tennis, croquet and hoop shooting! We snooze in the gardens and talk about the times we'd been here last, it feels ok to be saying goodbye since I'll be back again in a month or less, then Jenny will be here end of March YEY!!

Ian’s daughter, Trudi, comes to stay and we hit the vino and talk men and Nelson (my potential retreat location). She's fiery and liberated, well-travelled and has worked as a nurse in the most amazing environments. Hands on emergency, in the outback, Saudi, Canada. She is great to chat to and I realise how much I miss my friends to have this with, can tell she is Ian's daughter as she is so lovely. She lets me rant about Will, and we rant about her lover's' hahahaha and drink more vino and play on laptops, listen to music, talk sports, more men and Viagra. I decide to head back to Christchurch before my Magic Bus tour picks me up on Saturday 5th Feb. I take the inland scenic route via Geraldine and gawp at the mountains that line the empty roads and I sing my head off loudly all the way there. The tour will take me around both islands and I'll be on it for approximately a month hopping off and on around the country at all the hotspots. Get ready for pap heaven, New Zealand has the most magical environment in the world. I’m so excited!

I hang out at Long Bottle Forest today in Christchurch and trek about and stupidly burn my back, its scorchio now and the wind is cool and it’s so fresh to be walking about the forest. I settle into the grass and catch up blogging. Thinking of my family, missing everyone still... Excited and apprehensive! I have lots of friends to meet along the way on the tour, Ingyyyyyy from Bizarre, some friends of Natcho's who are working on the new Hobbit film, family of Ian’s and of course Warrick and Cameron, and Juan's lovely mum up in Golden Bay. Here I come!

I board the Magical Bus early in the morning 7.20am eeekkkk! We are enroute to Kaikoura, Jenny and I swam with a pod of 600+ wild dolphins last year after seeing a 40 foot sperm whale make its dive to the floor of the ocean. The bus follows the rugged coastline up to Kaikoura, translates to meal of crayfish, hence the whales, seals and dolphin popularity. After dumping my bags at the hostel facing the sea, I take a walk down the smooth pebbled beach hopefully exfoliating my crusty travel feet! The mountains hug the shore, and a sea fog settles in. I take some time at the seal colony rocks and observe a solo seal managing to scratch his bum with his nose but by leaning his head backwards into backbend. He’s a yogi! The seals here seem to have thick and fluffier hair and it’s cool to watch him drying in the sun and become wider as his oily coat dries. I opt for some fresh scallops from the moving BBQ vans and watch the sea fog lift to expose the peaks of the mountains. I find the sign ‘No Stopping’ with the backdrop of the peaks and remember being photographed there last year, guess it was wrong. Back at hostel HQ I fall asleep with a belly full of fresh fish to the sounds of the waves outside my window, and when I wake they haven’t changed their tune one bit, how lovely to have this comforting sound of waves, which leads me to my favorite question yet again ‘Mountains or Coast?’.

Its Waitangi Day today, a public holiday and an excuse to add 15% onto all purchases grrrr! Back on Magic in the morning following the Pacific coast north, passing a batch of a hundred or so more baby seal cubs, all playing in rock pools with each other, it’s so cute, and I think about my baby nephew Dylan aka Puppy! Too cute! then inland through hilly pastures and wine country of Marlborough and Blenheim. It was suggested that Blenheim would be a potential location for the Retreat, but I think it’s the same as Italy, tourists come for wine not for zenning out, well maybe just the blotto kind. We get into Picton to catch the Interisland ferry across the famous Cook Strait. The ocean is just incredibly beautiful blue with loads of people sailing and boating, the green mountains that shoulder the way until we get out to sea are dotted with 3d clouds. The ferry itself is a 7 floor beast carrying cars, cargo, passengers and a cinema! I opt for the open-air sundeck and grab myself a place on the floor next to the edge looking out to sea, with the wind keeping me cool and tatting up my hair big style, well I am a traveller I need the dreds look. After an hour or so or sunshine sailing the sea fog sets in and the winds blast the Ferry and the wave’s crash up against the monster urging us to sway. It’s amazing!!! I’m protected from being blown completely off by sitting behind a funnel, IPOD in and enjoy the ride  The ferry last approximately 4 hours, once into Wellington the weather calms but the sea fog stays. Bags into hostel, meet Cat my new hippy aussie roommate and touch base with Rosie, Natcho’s (from Vancouver) friend. They met through working on a Cruise film together, and now she’s working in the Hobbit, how exciting! Rosie’s place is a cute villa apt in Newmarket, my cab driver tells me the area is very diverse with lots of people from all different nationalities coming to the area. He then turns to me with a frown and says,
‘Lot of Curry houses round here if you know what I mean?’
Errrrr I’m not quite so sure….England’s 2nd favorite dish next to fish n chips is probably curry and we love it! The cabbie then points and this time raises those giant eyebrows at me
‘see, look over there, see what I mean??’
As I look over I see some Indian guys with turbans and a girl in a burka.
Oooooooh now I get it, you’re a racist cabbie, as Cat says it’s funny how people just assume you think the same way, well I don’t cabbie so drop the racist tour guide info and take off that white pointy hat. Rosie is lurverly, kind and generous, like all kiwis (aside from the racist cabbie) her friend Sarah is there who also works in film, soon to be working on Spartacus. Rosie and Sarah like Natcho are Set decorators, they buy, supply and make whatever is needed for the films. Very creative and interesting roles with a few juicy bits of gossip of naked well hung actors prancing about set being exhibitionist divas, any jobs???? We talk yoga, and yurts and Canada and Wellington and Rosie is just my kind of gal, really similar interests and really cool and laid back. She gives me a million contacts for my travels and a night cruise in her big van to the top of Mount Victoria to see the stars in the palm of the bay. It’s so much easier when you have a contact in each place you visit, especially when they are really nice people. Thanks Natcho for connecting us you still remain my wise old Oracle 

After a painful night listening to the hippo in the corner bunk snore and splutter the night away in my 6 bed dorm, I plan to kill her the following day, shit did I just print that. Hot Yoga will save these thoughts, so I sweat it out in a Power Vinyasana class suggested by Rosie. It was amazing but really really tough on my weak unfixed arms. I still cannot straighten the left elbow and it clicks out of position and my wrist aches after seconds of any weight on it. FUCK! How the hell am I going to manage Yoga School in May, my heart sinks a little and I lose some faith in myself as the girls in the yoga class effortlessly manage pose after pose and I have to take child’s pose to recover.

OK. Get. It. Together.

I pick up some calcium tablets from an organic health shop and decide that I need to concentrate only on yoga now, and not running so that I have the best chance of qualifying at yoga school. Probably means I will have to cancel the Skyline Marathon and not meet Courtney in San Francisco which really sucks, but I have to remember the end goal. To be able to provide yoga at my retreat at a qualified level. There will be other marathons. Time to eat some culture, so I spend the rest of the day at Te Papa Museum which is free to all visitors and boasts many exhibitions over six floors, also have free Wi-Fi too so take your laptop and catch up over a cuppa earl grey MMmmmmm! I haven’t had a London fog for aggggessss and I’m totally craving for one. The Earth Wind and Fire section is really interesting with loads of info on earthquakes and how the Earths layers are formed, the Earth’s Core. Reaffirmation of Nature & Evolution? Surprisingly I find my way into the Women’s Liberation exhibition…

‘For all those years you thought it was your penis we envied, but it was your Freedom!’

I suddenly find I’m swinging my bra around my head looking for a lighter. I love my independent status! The Brian Brake photography exhibition leaves me inspired, and I plan to take a shot with ‘Life Magazine’ who published and financed most of his work from his travels around the world whilst being a journalist. What an amazing career, I did a journalism course but left because of work commitments at Bizarre. I really wish I had kept it up and have been able to travel and report. Guess that’s why the energy to write and report back in this blog, I really like to reflect write and report. I’m keen to expose this blog to more and more so who knows which eyes will read it one day and open a new opportunity. Stay positive! Brake shots are really talented especially since they were taken over 60 years ago, I’m slightly disappointed to read that some of them are ‘set up’. Google Indian Monsoon by Brian Brake and look for the amazing shot of an Indian young girl with a bright green jewel in her nose and deep red sari around her shoulders with drops of water all over her face as she turns to the sky with closed eyes. A SET UP! Apparently it was a young actress and they dressed her and poured a rain can over her head pfffttt! But still it opens my ideas to trying something similar, but not as staged maybe. There is a huge section on the treaty that the good ole Brits screwed the Maoris out of most of their land, we really were disgusting and took no mercy in our quest for the world. My lasting thoughts from the day have to ‘GIRLS CAN ANYTHING’ a 1980 woman’s right slogan. Yes we can! I will have my retreat! After so much culture I rummage through the musty vintage shops or ‘Ops Shops’ as they say in NZ and bag myself a $300 Carry Harris full length tunic (think red chiffons with sparkles walking the sunsets in Costa Rica) for only $20!!!! BARGAIN! The rain starts and I ignore the Bollywood commercial being shot and walk the promenade home for a chat on politics, health and yes you guessed it religion with Cat my roommate (not the hippo who escaped death from my backpack swinging at her head). I really like Cat she’s been travelling around India with her boyfriend before NZ, and has a week of solo reflection time which she happily lets me interrupt as we plan to hang out the following day. I meet Rosie after a late workday at Sweet Mothers Kitchen on Courtney Road YUUUM BELLY GET MY IN! The Margaritas and Enchiladas go down a treat, and a Director of film, she used to work for joins us and we chat Golden Bay as he lives there. Maybe I’ll get my chance to star in a movie after all??? 

The hippo splutters ALL NIGHT again and I toss and turn in agony as the earplugs and IPOD don’t silence the fat bitches excruciating snores and spluts. Do I throw something at her, do I wake everyone up by screaming SHUT UP, do I wimp out and suffer. Suffer I do. But she will die.
Hippo leaves around 6am and I manage a few hours’ sleep and miss the chance to whack her one with the backpack. It’s unfair for me to be so mean I know as she is probably a nice friendly hippo, BUT she must know she snores and splutters like that so she should be respectful of others and get a private room it’s not fair on others. Cat and my other room-mates have all had sleepless night grrrr it’s such a pain as I can’t be arsed doing a thing now. My sister Daisy has some good news on a house she likes by a beach in Brighton-le-sands and I’m so happy for her to get some stability, this year will be amazing for her. Finishing college, having another beautiful baby, and getting her own house. I love you Sissy, you’re amazing don’t forget that ever. Blood you are to me! (private Malaga joke) Wow how we’ve both changed so much from that gallon of vodka party days in Greece, and changed for the better! It’s all a part of growing up and experience though, and I don’t regret it, I just wished I realised there was more to life a lot sooner and maybe I wouldn’t have felt like I stood still for ten years?

I get some errands and emails done, and then Cat and I go tramping (same as walking but kiwi speak!) up Mount Victoria and get lost in conversation, woods and trails. Here are some very interesting things about Cat. We’ll call them Catfacts; knits; reads; yogi; Aussie; hippy; ballerina; boyfriend likes mushrooms; clever; god company; interesting; fully hairy arm pits….I said she was a hippy! Ha bring it on! She’s also makes a tasty veggie pasta which we both enjoy before we check out an opening play at the ‘Bats Theatre’ called ‘The Rubber Room’. It’s based on the powerful teachers union, and agreement that was made to protect teachers from being dismissed for things like twatting hippo for spluttering and stuff. Basically instead of being dismissed, Teacher are sent to a Rubber Room, which isn’t made out of rubber like the clubs in Castro San Francisco, it simply an empty room. The naughty teacher has to be locked in each day with no phones, laptops allowed or anything at all, but they still get paid. It’s based on true facts, in fact a teacher once continued to go to the rubber room for 10 years! No thanks, I don’t care if I got paid, I would resign. But hey each to their own, I wonder if teachers purposely did stuff to get sent there? The play is a dark comedy with lots of humor, 2 actors, 1 of them a Brit. Check it out! I sit up chatting to Cat as she knits and shares chocolate, wish I had longer with her, she’s nice to be around and we chat more religion deal breakers! I think about Reuben and his Jewish family shutting me out not allowing two people to be in love because of religion. I’m a non-believing uncircumcised whore to them! Must go eat a cheeseburger…damn I’m veggie! 1am bedtime calls, no hippo yay! Up at 6am BOOOO!

Magic Bus climbs the hills out of Wellington through the Rimutaka Ranges, through to the lakeside town of Taupo and continuing north to Wai-o-Tapu thermal wonderland meaning sacred waters, it’s a bubbling volcanic mud pit which splutters (like the hippo did) and the mud splats everywhere (the hippo would love that) and it absolutely stinks! (Just like the hippo!) I sleep pretty much the whole journey to Rotorua also known as Rotovegas. Nothing much interesting at all, I meet a young girl from Leeds with china glass blue eyes which freak me out a little, but not more than her really northern accent. I’ve noticed mine changing slightly, maybe because I’m trying to speak slower and more precise for those who keep asking me to repeat? Or maybe it’s Joanna Lumley trying to escape as usual, I find I always pick up on accents though, I have my whole life. Most funny was with Helga in New York, we’d just got off the plane, had dinner, met a group of New Yorkers and got ourselves an invite to a penthouse party in Time Square, drank way too many cosmopolitans and I suddenly turned Russian. Better still, rolling home at 6am after Helga had too many puffs on a spliff wanting to buy a million cakes from the local shop, then screaming ‘It’s a stick up RUUUUUN!’ legging it out of the shop leaving me and the 20 marshmallow rice cakes alone with the bewildered shopkeeper. Big message there. Don’t do drugs. Or at least do them with someone as fun as Helga or a Russian  As we roll into Rotovegas the American Embassy is clearly visible…McDonalds!

As the YHA is full, I stay at Kiwipackers hostel with a pool and a bar, fantastic for $21 a night. I’m a teeny bit scared as Cat tells me the Kiwiexperience bus is called ‘The big green fuck truck’ so I hope that these are not connected. Note to anyone travelling to NZ, go with Magic, it’s much more relaxed, no teenage dickheads getting pissed and the hostels are always clean and quiet. Kiwiexperience apparently is not. Even though I’ve done this previously with Grandad, Jen and Aunty Monica I book on a Maori cultural show and dinner, they’re a bit commercial and not really my cup of tea but they are good fun. I meet Becs on the coach and we stick together, drink vino and giggle at the bulged eyes and protruding tongues, rather like how the men I’ve dated react when I get rudey on the nudey!  The Maori tribes tattoo their faces and bodies to represent the tribes they belong too, and they still do this today. I scoff triple dessert of banana bread & custard, Pavlova and fruit, bit more vino and me and Becs lead the singing on the bus ‘We all live in a yellow submarine…a yellow submarine…a yellow submarine!’ Back at the hostel I avoid the pool, and watch the sunset and the clouds before a restful sleep. I’m going off the beaten track tomorrow for 3 days on the East Escape connection, it’s meant to be the undiscovered gem of New Zealand. It’s also where my lovely gentle giant friend Juan was born, surf town Gisbourne so will be nice to see it all and chill out absorbing the views.

8.30am pick up by Leigh and son Braham, and other passengers Leana from Denmark and Paul from Vancouver (I smile…about Vancouver or at the cute Canadian?). Leigh is warm and a real character, previously a truck driver, has 6 kids and won the title for most tattooed heaviest woman in 1989! She is tough! I wouldn’t like to mess with her, but she is too friendly and calls everyone darling (although I prefer angel). Leana is an attractive lady in her late 40’s, sparkly blue eyes and fluffy red hair, Paul is shy to begin with, since he was at the wrong bus stop, but then opens up to be really funny and super friendly in true Canadian style, I love that he is from Vancouver so I can quiz him. He’s cute too which helps make for an interesting trip. It’s just us 3 passengers so an intimate group, along with Leigh and the remote regions of the east coast. We head out in a little van to Whakatane for views of the white island but there is too much sea fog, maybe coming back we’ll see this. We take a pit stop for some tea and get to know each other a little better. The Canuck has been travelling to Japan, Korea now NZ to discover his roots of his Grandad, afterwards Oz and China. He is 32 and has a degree in Education for Teaching but wants to return to Vancouver to study banking. Uh oh…still cute though. Leana has been in NZ, and is going onto Bali. She is a Chiropractor and is quite a minx who doesn’t like drafts!  We stop at Manganuku bridge and then a waterfall of fresh water to fill our water bottles.

Canuck braves it, strips off and reveals hairy belly button URGH! Still cute tho… I need to stop saying that. Could just be lonely… He fills up our water bottles and we all splash about before jumping back in the van to Gisbourne. Located on the sunny coast it’s the first city in the WORLD to see the sun each day, how amazingly fantastic is that. I am the future! The Maori name for it is Tairawhiti which means ‘The coast upon which the sun shines across the water’. We collect another surprise passenger from Gisbourne called Lynne also known as Godzilla, she’s not a happy old lady at all. We get off the van at Gizzy and I ask her if she’s been here before?

‘I’m pissed off as you were all late, I don’t want to talk’ she replies….er ok then.

Really looking forward to being intimate with her back in the van and mixed dorms! Me and the Canuck make a quick escape from her and wander the town. There is a relaxed lifestyle and Maori culture at Gisbourne which influences a lot of the art that’s created in the town. This inspires the Canuck to get his first tattoo from Leigh’s ex-husband in his shop so we wander down. Howard is a 6 foot 8 slough lookalike, 11 months pregnant with triplets, no neck and every surface of his moly body tattooed. I almost run out screaming in terror straight away. The Canuck is desperate to get his kit off again, so I film as he gets a New Zeeland Silver fern tatted on his chest in honor of his Grandads heritage, it’s really cool. He pretends it doesn’t hurt to impress me, but I’m too busy looking at that hairy belly button again URGH  The van shorts again and Leigh laughs and tells her son to hot wire it kind of, she yells;
‘You’re a guy you can handle it! Or rather you’re a guy you can finger it!’ My face burns red a little….

Back on the van with one new tattoo and Godzilla we make our way to Tatapouri bay just ten minutes away to make base at the Beach house for our first night. The staff at the beach house are stray travellers who just decided this was their place for a while and I’m jealous. Travel when you are young or take a year out of school, it will expand your mind and be an amazing experience you can cherish for life and keep you on the right path. I and the Canuck get in our sexy waders and Baz the Dutch traveller guy takes us out in the ocean to feed wild stingrays. We get a crash course in safety and species and I squeal in delight as upto six different rays come gliding into my legs to get fed. It’s quite terrifying at first as they are so big and can weigh upto 100kg so can easily knock you over and stab you with that tail, just don’t try to grab its wings and ride it hey Steve?? I pluck up the courage to dip my arm under the huge ray and let its bony gums suck the fish and a little bit of my finger into its huge mouth. EEEEKKKK it felt like it bit me!!!! The Canuck and Baz laugh as I squeal like a baby whilst my legs get humped by a couple of rays, am I being roasted??? URGH!!! The sun starts to set and we head back with our sticks and Baz shields us from being followed by the hungry randy rays. The evening is spent eating dinner, singing, piano playing, guitar strumming and drinking copious amounts of beer and vino. Godzilla and her weird murmurs leave us in peace and the some Maoris and other travellers join us in the beach house as the Canuck plays the guitar and sings his melodies and we learn he was once part of a rock band signed by Sony. The girls cheer him to sing more but we take some time out in the hammocks listening to the sea unbeknown to us that the mozzies were eating us alive  We head to our beach house, Godzilla has taken a room to herself, well she took the biggest room first and said that she would like to have her own room away from us three, so Canuck kicked her out of big room and put her in the smaller room. After a quick shower and getting told to ‘BLOODY SHUT IT’ by Godzilla, Leana goes to bed and me and the Canuck eat strawberries and watch a movie…kind of  2am…must sleep….

5.45am and its time to get up to watch the first sunrise in the world! But it’s raining hard….I look at Leana and she says 15 more minutes and we’ll see hey…. 6am we are all walking down to the beach in our sleeping gear and hoodies, there is no rain and the clouds are amazing. We all watch as the clouds take different shapes and colours, the sun is hidden but soon peeks out and we play in the hammocks and the sea as the clouds part and reveal the first day in the world. Back to bed, I seem to have a Canuck heater in my bunk, Leana laughs and asks if there is room for her too. The Danes are so liberated I love that, she is a really nice person and fun to be around. A beach walk with the Canuck reveals his father is a Pastor and brother practices, all raised Christiann…. Is this that deal breaker Cat and I spoke about???? If you met someone cute and found out they believe in dust creating the human race, should you call a Time out? Difficult now I’m here… It’s not as if I’m going to marry him, let’s just have some much needed fun! I can handle it, can’t I? Leigh’s van breaks so we chill with Baz at the beach house, as another extremely talented musician and pianist (kinda cute and cheeky too) he improvises a cheeky song on his guitar about me which I find cute. He has produced a classical CD of his piano skills which he shares with me, and its mind medicine for a busy mind like mine. If you need some medicine drop me an email and I’ll send you his details and piano pieces. Leigh finally picks us up and we drive through the rugged and green wilderness, with rolling hills and the $2 dollar famous bridge which the Canuck and I decide to strip off and jump the 20 meters into the ocean, Leana films us (posted on FB if you’re interested ) It’s good to have the adrenalin buzz and we take another synchronised jump together. We dry off in the wind and head out to our secret spot Farm stay on the coast up from Rangiatukia Beach. We spot millions of Punga trees, which means the beginning of life and is a strong Maori belief. We arrive at the farm and are greeted by the local pooch barking but laying down. Leana, Canuck and I share a dorm and let Godzilla take the other one. Murmur. Canuck and I take a hike up the hill with the local dog who leads us through beehives, horse poo and mud to the most amazing viewpoint at the top with the ocean shining bright . The white wash churning the sand is easy to spot yet we are a good way up. I try and avoid looking at the creepy spider webs in the bushes and I learn more good things about the Canuck (and he doesn’t once mention Jesus!) Leigh has cooked us a slap up meal back at the farm and she tells us of her family Shelandra, skydilink, tygunia, kiathidn, geratau, braham…WHATTTT?? Are you kidding? It’s like an episode of shameless, names aside, the antics and the fights and the babies, and the shagging she hears and laughs about and much more cringe worthy matters. Before dinner, she informs us that being a Christian (here we go again!) we must hold hands and pray before we eat. Canuck squeezes my hand and looks at me, and I’m touched as he feels my discomfort and holds back on his praise the lord dances just for me  Our creative sides are tested and we paint stones and have a toastmaster competition, simply speak for 1 minute on a topic chosen by Leigh without saying erm or swearing. The Canuck has Stingrays and could’ve spoken for a day, he’s really confident (like Americans) assertive and in general a nice caring guy to others. My subject is Pumnar, it’s the shell my necklace is made from. It’s easy since I love shells, my name association, my love for jewelry from natural products, but yet my back heats and heart beats as I know the Canuck is listening…oh dear don’t lose the coolness! Godzilla murmurs through her try and fails almost immediately. She is so strange, coming out with random comments in the middle of a conversation like ‘Do you know the human head weighs 9lbs?’ So what you freak, is Godzilla going to eat it! Go and murmur at the bees and see how they like it! Patience my dear, don’t be mean… she is an older lady and it’s probably because she was a Chemist she is a complete physco. Leana Canuck and me finish off the vino and hit the bunks, I start with a heater but lose him in the night, hope I didn’t behave like I did in the southwest US….what goes PARP in the night! Joshua!

The next morning I have a vino headache, and yes I will just say this, am horny! Sorry mum and grandad for being a raving hussy but I’m a healthy human  I guess travelling can just make you feel lonely, and it’s been nice having this intimate trip with the others (Godzilla aside) to get to know people more and even have a mini rendevous with the Canuck. It’s nice to have him around, even if he can’t take his eyes off my ass. I get up and make everyone a nice continental brekki of fresh mango, toast and earl grey tea YAY I love tea, it makes me feel homely. I do miss my couch at home and having a cuppa (watching Americans next top model but ssshhhh). Being around Canuck and talking about Canada and Vancouver has me excited again about going back, especially as I now have a new offer of couch surfing whilst I’m there  Leigh’s van breaks again, and I simply don’t care. Let’s stay here forever! Feed Godzilla to the bees and all live happily ever after! Canuck has a boy toy hobby of making and fixing cars back home, he has a dodge viper URGH (boy racer in my eyes, it was in Gotham too) and a vintage Chevy truck YAY! Much better  Canucks magic fingers pull out the battery and gets it all working again, what a hero. Leigh has a special twinkle in her eye for him. He’s such a gent, filling the van with everyone’s gear and getting us on the road man! We take a quick stop at the beach before heading through the slow paced Maori communities where I meet a Maori with the real tribal tats on her chin and lips. A Maori lady at the farm gives me some kawakawa leaves for my mozzies bites and I leave them on the bus dam it! You are meant to put them in hot water and bath yourself, they have magnificent healing properties. Wild horses and cattle cruises the roads and the views are simply stunning. I have never seen so much green look so beautiful and jaw dropping, it looks a little like parts of Thailand I think. We take a stop at Waihau bay before reaching Hawai bridge for another daredevil jump by me and the Canuck yay! It’s about a 15 meter drop but you hit the river floor slightly eek! Tons of Maori kids are still standing on the ledge petrified as I splash into the water and look up laughing. How refreshing on such a hot beautiful day, what a life! We drive through Whakatane again and the White Island is visible now in the ocean, she’s the only active marine Volcano in NZ and smoke is seeping out of her… So that’s why the beach house staff gave us the evacuation details! Mother Nature is producing strange things all over the world and you have to be prepared. This year is when the Mayan Calendar ends… Would you be happy with your life if this was it?? Don’t waste time thinking about maaaybe doing something, grab the reins and take the ride! Don’t be indecisive, and say yes when you would normally say no! It’s much more exciting and fulfilling.
Back at Rotorua our adventure on the east coast comes to an end sadly, and we say goodbye to Godzilla and Leana. Leigh invites Canuck and I out for dinner, in hindsight this was a really REALLY bad idea thinking what we could have done instead. Leigh kind of has a personality transplant, or maybe just gives up on the fake guide we’ve just enjoyed. We end up on some seedy hunt with her to score some pot, which she has insisted on me not telling anyone about, well nobody in England knows you Leigh and you ruined my night! The seedy hunt goes on for 2.5hrs!!!!!! It’s 9.30pm before she gives up, and takes the young Maori runner back to his house. It was absolutely awful being part of the whole sorry affair, driving around all seedy and asking for drugs. HATE! Get a fucking cell phone and use a code word?? Arrange this shite before you ask us dinner! She calls the place where we are meant to be going..’Yeah its fucking A this place, $10 for food and a beer, and they do the most amazing Nachos!’ Great…haven’t eaten lunch and I’m meant to be happy with nutritious Nachos… Lava bar, the great place we are going tells her they have stopped serving food, YAY! Escape! Wrong... 30 stone Leigh’s solution is pizza which we end up scoffing on a bench in the dark next to the overflowing lake. The only bonus is that black swans turn up in the pitch black of the lake and we feed them our crust. I want to go to bed!!! Being far too polite for my own good, we end up in Lava bar anyway which is simply HELL. Filled with teenage backpackers all looking to get wasted and laid, shitty loud music and bad clothes and shoes everywhere. Leigh orders her southern comfort (of course) and we sit in a shitty corner and I want the ground to swallow me up as Leigh's tatted arms swill the southern comfort down her chubby throat and thats when she asks the Canuck…

‘so are you looking forward to her mouth around your cock?’….

I beg your fucking pardon??? I almost choke on my Tui, I am a vegetarian. Enough is enough though, I want to leave, and I’m not some cheap traveller tramp who can be spoken to like that. I don’t want to fucking score weed for nearly 3 hours, and eat fat ass pizza and sit in a dingy shitty bar. I want to watch the sunset, and feel warm and reflect, I want to drink hot chocolate walking around the lake feeding the swans, and then have my bed heated by a Canuck. I’m so angry that I let this happen! Bang goes my theory or always say ‘yes’ to things you’d usually say ‘no’ to. We finally get back to kiwipackers, and aside from my insisting on interrogating Canucks beliefs on dust and the bible, we manage to get some time alone at last, ignoring the fact we are strangers and enjoying the pleasures of travel. 5-1 to the Canucks with 2 own goals!

An early rise as I head north to Mount Manghanui and the Canuck heads south to Lake Taupo, it’s sad to say goodbye already as we’ve got into a comfortable zone with each other, and it’s been nice to enjoy new things together. I end up seeing Leana and Godzilla back on my bus, and welcome the chat with Leana as she sits with me away from Godzilla’s murmurs. As we near Mt Mangy, we hit some industrial congestion and I have a gut feeling that this isn’t going to be a place for me. I was going to join a surf school for a few days, but I just don’t feel the vibe man! I change my plan and head to Auckland, I check in with Rosie’s bro Ross who invites me to a seminar on the monetary system collapse which sounds cool but I won’t be here, and I just miss him in Auckland too so will catch up in Wellington. Rosie and Ross, double trouble! I check in with Ingy a lovely old friend from Bizarre, who took a risk and moved out here a couple years ago with Pat, also from Bizarre. She’s such a positive, cheery and cool surfer chick with a similar passion for younger boys and I’m looking forward to seeing her after so long! I doze through to Auckland, couldn’t sleep much last night with heaters, enjoying and thinking. After dumping my bags I refresh my memory of the city with a walk around town, grab some sushi and settle in at the pics to see ‘Black Swan’ a lesbo raunchy movie starring ballerinas Portman and Mila, I wonder if Cat is a secret black swan? It’s an intense film, buckle in if you go watch it, but I love the twist and the raunch!!!  I get back to hostel HQ to discover my 4 bed dorm has three over 60 guys in there chatting away. Not cool, I grab my bags and reception sort the hostel up the road. It’s after 11.30pm and there is a steep hill to hitch my backpack up, but it’s a far better option, good exercise too (note to self, curb the crap and sort out a Yoga podcast I can do daily to strengthen arms – anyone who has advice for me on this please send!)

I spend the morning washing, planning, researching, emailing and the afternoon in Auckland Domain park chilling, relaxing and blogging. This time I succeed in burning the backs of my legs doh! I meet up with Ingy for some late afternoon drinks and its fab to see her, she looks like she has got younger and her eyes are brighter, smile is wider. She took a risk and looks dam fine on it! We talk travelling, Canada, futures, retreats and surf, and it’s good to hear her positivity and makes me remember to not overthink my journey and be willing to take risks. She previously lived in Canada for a long while with her Canuck and loved the place, and hopes to go back there. ARRRGGHHHH the Canada bug has lay dormant within me since NZ, but I feel the goosepimples again as we chat about log cabins and Whistler and the surf on Van Island. Its valentine’s day so I let her get back home to Pat, and we agree that everyday should be a LOVE day not just today! Maybe we’ll head out to Fuji for some surf?? Paul No.1 Spence birthday today, and I think back to our time spent on this day, candles, food and good old Al Green, you left me with a fuzzy feeling for Al to this day cupids baby! 

Coach tomorrow leaves at 9am for National Park, where I will climb Mount Doom and trek across the Tongariro crossing, both filmed in Lord of the rings. I’m looking forward to the exercise, my body craves to be loved again and I’m still holding onto zillions of Reese scoffed in the US! Must have more discipline! Or more Sex! (sorry grandad, mum as I said before IM A HEALTHY HUMAN! )

NEW BLOG BATCH BELOW
I catch the Intercity coach south to National Park, I can’t face the idea of going back to Rotorua, it means I will miss out Lake Taupo, but there are far more exciting lakes in the south Island, plus the Tongariro trek I’m planning on doing offers views of Lake Taupo on a clear day so all good. Canuck has stayed on longer at National Park so will be good to see him again, and he seems excited, hopefully?...

After a 6hr trip of sleep, I arrive to the village of Tongariro National Park, located near the base of Mt Ruapehu on the volcanic plateau. I wander about the village and find a multi combo store operating as café, post office, information centre, and shower rental it’s the one stop shop for all. My hostel has an indoor climbing wall surrounding the dorms, which I’m gutted to not be able to mess about on, but hopefully after my yoga course I will be stronger and confident again. The Canuck pops by to say hello with his new ginger bromance Ted from Alaska, Redted. They are both knackered and covered in cuts after climbing Mt Ngauruhoe also known as Mount Doom from the Rings! They quickly put me off attempting this as it’s so steep with shingle and you need to use your arms and hands to slide back down the shingle on the way down. It can either take you ten mins or ten seconds to get down if you’re not careful. I think I’ll opt for the other mountain, Mt Tongariro, which will have views to Mt Doom so its win win, and I don’t break my arms again. Canuck is awkward around me, or maybe I’m awkward with him, either way it’s pretty weird and when he leaves to go back to his hostel he gives me a hug and a kiss on the ‘cheek’…. Errr ok then…

Pointless being all Christian on me now Canuck, you ‘aint fooling anyone, those lips where somewhere much different last time huh?
I didn’t expect a big romance but still its kinda weird, I’m not used to being ‘back in the game’ I guess since Will. Forget that, I have a mega trek tomorrow with my new friend Eric from Singapore. I think he is the first person I’ve ever met from Singapore?? He’s wonderful, really friendly and chatty and I’m looking forward to the hike with him and laughing the whole painful way up that mountain! My 6 bed dorm has a snorer URGGGHHHH, and my chatterbox keeps me awake tuning into the snores and thinking about games and mountains.

SLEEP THROUGH MY ALARM!!! SHIT!!! I have ten minutes to get ready for my hike, shower and eat. OK ditch shower going to get smelly anyway, I got my bag ready with clothes, food and kit the day before (guess I haven’t lost that anal organised way totally…good!), eat on bus, sorted! Shit get dressed, knew there was something else. The trek is just over 20k, and the Tongariro summit is just under 2000 metres high and about 3k long, I’ve packed my signature tuna salad, fruit, almonds, 2ltrs of water, spare leggings, socks, rainproof jacket, hat, sunscreen, map, headlight, plasters, camera and lip gloss! I know how to do this right  Eric chats nonstop to my 7am morning dazed look and we both agree that we are definitely not going to do Mt Doom, so many more guys we met said it’s amazing but really really tough. My super brave bro did it a couple years back so I know I will have to pay on the competition stakes with him now ha! The crossing is one big natural playground with stunning views of the dominating landscape and dramatic volcanic mountains Ruapehu, Tongariro and Ngauruhoe. The environment changes so quickly from boulders and green, to flat smooth orange rubbles, to grey and red lava craters, up the summit with more oranges and dusty shingle, ice green Emerald lakes (where we scoff our lunch), shingle grey steep slopes, muddy trails and hot springs, and then suddenly with views to Lake Taupo (which Eric tells me is the same size as Singapore!), and then down through forestry and streams with mossy trees to the end of the trek. I don’t see any wildlife at all under I reach the views on Lake Taupo, and we were told that the streams and lakes are poisonous with toxins from the volcanoes. Mt Doom has so much presence, the tip stained red with veins of white lava stains trickling down the steep shingle. The amazing views from the top of Mt Tongariro look out to many more peaks in the distance, and the clouds are below us settling underneath the peaks. Smoke rises from the earth and it feels warm to touch. I meet some boys from New Jersey on the way through the forestry and they confirm they are definitely not ‘quedo’s!’  Eric and I race through the trek, and summit in 6.5hrs not bad since the crossing only is estimated at 7.5hrs, although the driver said that’s based on a 70yr old woman! My nan would have cleared it easily, I wish she was still here to tell her all of the wonderful things that I have seen, sharing my happiness with her. I’ll speak to her in my dreams, do I believe in God when it suits me, maybe I do… She is my angel.

More mixed messages with the Canuck and our dinner plans end up with me eating with the Europeans, and him getting frustrated trying to change his flights. Dinner is a welcomed mammoth plate of veggie pasta to refuel the bod after the trek, just need a foot rub now? Eric keeps me entertained with his endless energy and nonstop chatting, and Canuck joins us and again the weird vibes loiter… I just can’t work out whether it’s me or him?? Side cheek kiss gets trumped by an awkward ‘side hug’???…uncool. Totally uncool. The next day Canuck insists on sitting by me on the coach to Wellington, even after I suggest that he sit with his bromance Ted the Red. He ‘looks’ unhappy at this suggestion, and yet still the weird vibes remain. Shame really, I’m just not comfortable with asking why it’s weird as I’m unsure if it’s me. Fuck it, IPOD in and ignore him for the entire 8hr coach trip, the mature and most sensible way to do things obviously…. The trip is made more comfortable when I’m shown his photos of him and Ted the Red playing in waterfalls, and then him eating a big red carrot... provocatively. This shit has nothing on Brokeback mountain! I check into Nomads hostel, dorm up with 3 cute Brits saweet! Continuing my mature and sensible approach to the Canuck, I ignore him completely and head into Welly to do my favorite pastimes; eat sushi, call friends, get a foot rub and mooch in vintage YAY! Bump into Canuck and his posse bromance giggling behind him (URGH), you guessed it. I’m awkward! I feel like I’m bloody 18 again! Why do things come back to bite you in the bum? Was it a revenge rendezvous romance to get back at Will?

Canuck asks if I’ll see him later as he is leaving tomorrow for South Island and I’m staying to hang out with Rosie for a few days. I tell him yeah sure whatever, I just can’t work out if it’s a Christian courtesy thing I guess and I’m freaked out by the idea he thinks I’m some kind of desperado weirdo. Not the case. Who cares! I whore out on the internet (not the Canuck) and rot on Facebook catching up with home, need my girls, my gang, my bitches big time! It’s after 11pm so I walk back to the hostel distracted and almost get run over by a car. In the distance some drunk guys yell out to me to be careful, I ignore them and run across the road. But it’s the Canuck yelling, he runs up and says ‘Oh great yeah, just run away’ AWKWARD is my new word. I bumble that I didn’t know it was him, and he’s like ‘Yeah sure, Seriously??’ I can’t understand this nonsense anymore so I bid my goodnights and shrug it off, get back to my dorm with the Brits and sing along to YMCA pumping out of the bar below us, if you can’t beat ‘em – join ‘em!

It’s Bizarre’s final day today and my feelings go out to all my friends and family there, I glad it’s over for them ‘it’s been like ripping a plaster off for 3 months’. I’d have rather took a quick bullet. Good Luck Kotick and your American army of greed wiping out a talented company you have squashed any creditability you have with our loyal gamers out there. Your morals’ fucking stink. Bizarrians’ look forward to new paths and adventures and I wish each and every one of you the very best in the world. Should you ever cross my path in my new place in the world, my home and retreat will be open for you to share and enjoy anytime, I would love to have you 

I clean out Canucks, games, Will, Koticks with some YOGA bliss. It’s a different class which mixes hot yoga, power vinysana and Yin, I LOVE IT!!! I totally surrender to the present moment allowing my mind to settle, and I feel deeper in my poses and stronger in my concentration only in this moment, not allowing my mind to drift and its utterly amazing. I’m suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, my skin prickles with goosebumps and my eyes become watery. Our yogi tutor reads the most sensible and obvious thoughts to us and a sudden realisation fills me and I notice tears fall down my face.

Love yourself. Don’t try and add things to your life, just get rid of the things you don’t need.

I feel so overcome with happiness, and a surge of motivation re-energises me! I thank the yogi at the end of class and vow to make every class like this one, just being in the present moment and listening to your body and enjoying the peace in your thoughts.

I check in with STA travel and don’t let my zenned vibe be ruined by silly money they quote for my next leg of travel to LA, Costa Rica, Vancouver, UK. It’s all fine, I will sort it out one way or another, just not now. Dinner tonight with Rosie in her cute pad, with Jim her lovely warm friend, and Ross her brother who has really interesting ideas and ways of thinking. Ross believes the monetary system will soon be abolished and we will be better off without this control that has ‘most’ of the whole world in debt, fear and poverty. A new system of trade could be sharing of ideas and help, a much more loving and sharing world to be in. I like it, but it’s simply too big for me to get my head around. Like me, Ross wants to live self-sufficiently, but in a yurt. I love yurts, definitely going to have them at the retreat! I’m also interested in the idea of trading ideas and help, will be offering similar trades at my retreat, especially for all my friends. Come help me crop my olive trees and stay with me for a week of blissful mountains, yoga, home cooked organic foods and lots of love and laughter under a starlit sky. Anyone interested? Rosie makes homemade pizzas of broccoli, salmon and dill with a spicy tuna and capers. I really want to cook more, experiment with food and have more friends for dinner. Why do we eat out all of the time when it’s so much fun to cook and share at home? Save money and ask a friend to dinner, ask me when I get home and let me help cook with you!

I’m fuzzy and warm when I get back to the hostel, me and Paul no.1 have a marathon chat until almost 2am and it’s nice to have familiarity and laughter together, no awkwardness when our conversation ends with ‘Love you’. There never was really… I’m so glad we’re still able to be comfortable in our friendship.

Oversleep again and miss my yoga fix, but cheer myself up posting presents back home for mummy and Bro birthdays. I miss them lots, I can’t wait to see them and have my new plan worked out and be able to share the good news and then coax them to move too! Rosie and her big manvan picks me up for the Rosie tour! We head out after grabbing a cuppa, through the windy, green, lush mountains to Martinborough a quaint little town just a couple of hours away from Wellington. We stop at Margrain Estate vineyards and do some wine tasting followed by an amazing lunch, fresh mozzarella, juicy tomatoes and sweet basil, fresh bread and olive oil. The hazy sunshine heats up the lawn and we look out to the vines and the mountains beyond. I can see myself riding my gorgeous bicycle back home, a big Mary Poppins style vintage Dutch bike, and sporting a basket on the front and a bell of course! Basket filled with cheeses and wine, cycling back to my farm retreat to feed my guests their supper. I can’t wait for that very lifestyle, it will come. Determination. Our conversation turns to pressures on women our age and expectations to be married with children, and sympathised with for not having these things. Why is a person defined through marriage or kids??

‘Yes, she’s 35 you know…single…no kids either, clock is ticking! She’ll have to find a man soon!’

The ambience is interrupted by a group of stags, all on Mary Poppins style bikes absolutely hammered roaming from vineyard to vineyard on their bikes, it’s the way it’s done in the country, how ace! Rosie treats me to a bottle of the vineyards newest creation, a bubbly named ‘La Michelle’. I love this! I bet it tastes sweet, has a warm fizz and gives a great kick! We grab a London Fog in the cute village of Kaitoki, in a pretty little butterfly café with friendly kiwis eager to steal the Fog recipe, which of course I’m more than willing. It’s a hot afternoon, maybe even a little muggy, the only way to solve this is a dip in Rivendale waterholes in the national park (yes it’s where they filmed parts of Lord of the Rings!) We take a walk over the swing bridge and study the mossy trees around the loop, they push high into the clouds trying to grab all the light. We strip off and run into the icy gorge underneath the bridge and take a big lunge together, the water takes your breath away it’s so cold but at the same time fantastic! A rope swing urges me to climb up onto the rocks and take a swing out into the river and we splash about swimming and cooling off. Some kids upstream have got their rubber rings and are floating down stream with the mountains in the distance, and the afternoon sun starts to dip in the sky.

Dinner at Duke Carvills, a swanky restaurant off Cuba Street with Rosie, Ross, Jim, Lynn and Jason. Dukes has some cool Mexican guitar beats, cute boys and delish tapas. I think it’s a night for a Bloody Mary yahhooo! Jason is from San Francisco and is about to attend a ten day long meditation camp, where there is ZERO talking or noise allowed for the full duration. You are not allowed to practice any forms of previous meditation, yoga, chanting or religion, only to practice their methods and follow their rules of celibacy, no contact with the outside world, a strict diet and ten hours meditation a day. WOW! I’m kinda interested but, it sounds really tough… I mean where do you take yourself in all that thought with just yourself? Maybe it’s something I can introduce at the retreat and adapt it slightly to include NUDITY! We head to a bar after dinner and drinks, and my head is swimming with ideas for the retreat and maybe a divert to Tonga to see Jason on his island?? An email off the Canuck blinks, mixed messages again? Hopefully we can be friends, I don’t like bad karma. ‘Oh my Gosh’ Basement Jaxx, if you have never seen the video, utube it, quality. LOVE that band, I really need to get a gig soon I miss live music so much. MGMT are playing in Wellington on the 17th March maybe I’ll come back?

I suggest new plans with Jens to include Hawaii on our road trip next month, we can zen out after the festival shenanigans in Palm Springs and feel super excited now her trip to come see me gets closer! Another early 6am start, bus and then the ferry across the Cook Strait back to Picton on South Island. I love this journey across the ocean, but my 4hr sleep eyelids can’t take the pace and I snooze with swaying vessel. Cook Strait separates the North island from the South island and connects the Tasman sea with the Pacific ocean. Because it lies in a break between the main divide of the south island and the mountain chain running from Wellington through to East Cape, it is subject to unpredictable weather including severe gales and powerful surging currents. I don’t spot any mini dolphins as Ross had mentioned, but large numbers of seabirds fly alongside the ferry with us. I jump on a newly packed Magic bus to Nelson ‘the sunshine capital’ as it officially receives the most hours of sunshine anywhere in NZ. I’m staying at Paridiso hostel on Weka St, great little place and location, has a pool sauna and even a smoking bus in the garden, all yours for $23 per night. I’m sharing with a couple of yanky guys who seem ok, but I’m yet to hear the snores… My sleepy feet wander around the Sunday quiet town, and then hike up to the top of the hill which is logged as the centre of New Zealand. It has amazing views from the top, searching out to Abel Tasman and many more peaks along the coastline. A Brazilian guy named Rafael is also at the top and we share the sunset together whilst he talks about San Paulo the place he was born. I think back to Will and I travelling around South America and how different I was then, I had an itinerary for everything, Will was so frustrated with me….

8am – Wake up
830am – go for run
930am – breakfast
10am – sex
10.03am shower
10.30 – climb sugar loaf

And so on and so forth hahahha….  Rafeal and I spend a couple hours chatting as the sun melts behind the peaks in the distance and he suddenly demands ‘Come here’ grabs my arms and plants a smooch on my lips. Errrr ok… hometime for me I think, I knew I had brazilianxiety disorders, must get a tablet off the scientologists for that. True to my reckonings the yanks snore their heads off and I yell at them to BloodyShutit! Crikey I’ve turned into Godzilla…

Sunshine morning again, how great does it feel to wake to such beautiful mornings of sun, it completely sets you up in a great mood for the day. I run up the hill to the centre of NZ to get the blood rushing around before I head to Tanuhunai beach for the day. I comb the beach cruising the sands, picking up shells and studying waves and white wash. As the wind picks up I settle in to watch the shows of the kite surfers that fill the ocean, twisting and turning, leaping into the air almost flying. Another thing to add to my wish list! After a swim my concentration turns to snoozing in the heat and trying to meditate as the sand whips across my back…shit my back… forgot to reapply the sunblock and burned. I’m so flipping English! Opting for the coastal walk home I try to ignore the raw burn sensation that I’m feeling underneath my rucksack…. I’m seeing Trudi tonight she’ll be able to help! Spicy Thai takeaway munchathon washed down with vino and comfy couch chats on men, sex and rock n roll YAY! I miss my friends so much and it’s great to hit it off with Trudles, she is just open and up for chatting exactly the way it is. Some quality much needed girl time  In my taxi on the way home my driver asks me;

‘Been around a lot then have you??’ My face pumps blood to the surface and I wonder if he can smell the Christian filth on me…!?

Sunshine on a rainy day, makes my soul trip away! 7am bus to Kaiteria, then jump a boat to take me into Abel Tasman. Its renowned for its golden beaches, sculptured granite cliffs and its word famous coastal track. It also has a mild climate, so it’s good to visit any time of year'. The Inland track goes through the hilly center of the park, it’s one of NZ’s ‘Great Walks’. I’m just opting for a 1 day taster today since Jen and I are coming back to camp the 4 day trek next month. My big boat full of American tourists stop at Medlands Bark bay, the skipper shouts;

‘One person to get off to do the 8 hour track back to Maraha!!’ I look around the boat…. ‘One MAGIC bus person to get off the boat??’’

Shit that’s me, 8 hours!!!??? I take my boots off and jump of the catamaran into the water and watch all the bewildered faces all stare at me as the boat leaves me ALONE on the tiny beach in the middle of a rainforest with a map in one hand and my boots in the other, with a 23k trail to navigate. I’m tempted to pull them a moonie, but remember that I’m 35 and should be thinking about marriage and kids right? 
I avoid the tempting ideas and start the hike inland back to Marahau. The trail goes into the forest with scenic outlooks to discover, clear streams and lots of native bush down to golden sandy beaches. It really is a living treasure. Incredible views down to Anchorage Bay lure me down to the shores from the high ledges to cool my feet and eat lunch to the tune of the birds singing all around. After refueling I head back inland to the trail and breath in the Tasman air and flick off the hungry sandflies. The tide is high so I cannot take the coastal track across to the next point on the map unless I fancy swimming it. Heading up through the steep trails an opportunity to go through some bush to a secret lookout at Yellow point, it finds access to some of the sheltered coves below me with turquoise and green shimmer waters, it’s really magical, time for a sit down and contemplate. I get cosy on the edge of the cliff on some rocks and settle in for some healing views, I was completely unaware at this point what the small rumbles I sensed were, and why the birds weirdly suddenly started squawking a different tune. It unsettles me and so I get back on the normal trail off the rocks and continue. My phone bleeps… Weird since there is no reception in the park?

‘Are you ok??? I heard that you guys have just had a massive quake?’ It’s from Nacho, my Oracle in Canada.

I joke about feeling rumbles, but then start to worry. What’s going on… I’m in the middle of a rainforest on my own, perching on cliff edges, with another 12k to get through before I can find out what’s happening. An earthquake….where was it? Is it going to happen again? I quicken my pace racing through the bush, taking a peek at Sandfly bay ‘if can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ as I spray my legs thick with eucalyptus. I’m flying around the trail now which is becoming busier with people traffic. More lookouts show Frenchmans bay and dense bush covered islands, it feels so tropical and jungle like and the smells of lemongrass and wood, fresh water and warm sea air medicate my senses. I get to Marahau in 5.45hrs, sore feet and salty face and jump a bus back to Nelson. Something is wrong…. The bus driver makes an announcement that Christchurch has just suffered a 6.3 Earthquake that violently shook the city just 3 miles under the surface and that many of dead, and the city destroyed. The bus is silent and I feel my eyes sting with the news, my hairs prickle on my arms. He puts the live radio news on the tannoy and we listen as the devastating reports come through the airwaves. As I look out the window listening in shock to what’s happened, all I see is people on phones panic in their eyes, girls crying and holding each other, just a look of pure anguish in faces, all trying to reach loved ones in the devastation. The news continues to inform of buildings wiped out, homes wrecked and hundreds of people trapped in rubble or buildings on fire. I’m overwhelmed with shock and a dreadful hopelessness lulls in my stomach, what can you do?? It’s impossible to think of anything else apart from hope for the people and the families, the friends and the loved ones. Back at the hostel, every single traveller is crammed into the TV room for the night and we watch the news, it’s really emotional, sad and scary, more confirmed dead the numbers increasing constantly. Lives are shattered, the city hasn’t yet recovered from their last earthquake measuring a massive 7.1 just last September and now again. I’m really sad and unsettled, and my thoughts are with the good people of New Zealand.

The sunshine in morning looks different now as the number increase for those dead, and hundreds reported missing. I call my folks at the home in Timaru and they get upset with worry about where I was and my phone beeps nonstop with messages from friends, messages on emails and Facebook touch me, I’m lucky to have so many people who care and think about me, thanks everyone, it meant a lot to me. I find out that the Christchurch hostel I was at two weeks ago have been leveled, many backpackers dead. I feel sick… It’s a really somber day as the news gets worse on the National crisis the country is facing. Kiwis are strong amazing people and the way they pull together and the aid that comes is outstanding and really inspirational. There is a massive push from everyone everywhere to help and its amazing emotional stuff to be around. I meet up with Trudi who is crisis nurse working in emergency, and she’s waiting to be called to Christchurch, in fact she’s eager to get there and help like everyone else I talk to. I look for an opportunity to volunteer somehow but people are urged to stay away from the now very dangerous city and surrounding areas and let the professionals do their thing. Search & Rescue teams from all over the world head to NZ, medics and crisis teams, I know that this is something I want to train for in the future, and not feel so helpless in limbo. Trudi hikes me up Gramps Reserve to the best view point in Nelson, Abel Tasman is so visible today and it’s good to remember the beauty of this island instead of the devastation just a few hours away. We clear out our heads over some lunch and I get treated to a Brook Fraser concert at the Neudorf Vineyards starting late afternoon. Picnic and plonk in the lazy sunshine with smells of sweet grapes listening to the melodies of Midnight youth, Ops Shop and Brook Fraser brings some much needed smiles and laughter as we dance in the grass and sing along together. It’s a wonderful setting, and great idea for a concert, and business opportunity to sell the wine made within the vineyard. Maybe I can do something similar once my retreat is up and running, start a little mini festival in one of the paddocks with new bands and food from my veggie garden, twinkle lights and hammocks and fire pits to get cosy by. One of the bands talk about the crisis in Christchurch and mentions some individual stories or people died, trapped or still missing. The crowd is silent….almost every person has tears including me and Trudi. A song is dedicated to those still missing and hope is sent to all families as we stuff our dollars in the Red Cross boxes. It always seems to be the Christians who are there immediately with helping hands and comfort… good people in this world. Kiwis are really strong good people and they really know how to support and help each other. It’s outstanding… I love these people. I hope they bounce back quickly…

Luckily we get a lift back to Nelson which I’m VERY grateful for, but I’m forced to have a stinky old drunk man breath wine breath 2cm away from my face the whole journey telling me to free my body. Free your fucking pension old man and get out of my personal space. Goodbye to Trudles for now, love her, great girl but I’ll be back with Jens to visit and celebrate birthdays with that skydive we talked up after a couple bottles of vino 

Back on the bus that is magic with a fuzzy vino haze, funny helpless feeling, and funny face up to Greymouth which has poor reviews for its ugliness. I’m kinda glad to be honest, I need some time to think about things alone, the quake has me thinking deeper about life and more about grabbing it with both hands before it’s gone and all you have left is a blog… First stop is Cape Foulwind and when we arrive I remember being here with Grandad and Jenny (pretending we had one arm and giggling in the restaurant window on the cushions watching the waves…I miss them) We head through Punakaiki and it’s the gateway to dramatic limestone country of Paparoa National Park. It lies halfway between Greymouth and Westport on one of the most spectacular coastal highways in NZ. We make a stop at the Punakaiki pancake rocks and blowholes which are heavily eroded limestone formations that began to take shape 30 million yrs. ago. The heavy ocean swells thunder into caverns beneath the rocks and huge water spouts blast skywards, it’s pretty spectacular but nothing compared to what mummy and I saw in Barbados where the blowholes are vast and constant sprays. Greymouth is on the west coast, and founded by the Maori for trading greenstone, and then later booming in the gold rush (not the San Francisco cheer leader kind). The guy in the hostel wakes me from my thoughts of quakes and life asking if I’d rather pay the $26 in sexual favors for my room…well there’s a thought, win win? Errr no thanks, and don’t pull the I’m an ex fireman either it’s still a no thanks. I get some errands done in the ghostown and watch more news on the quake. There is talk buzzing around the hostel and amongst the people that it’s all connected to the moons pull on gravity and I can’t help but take interest. A bigger quake is predicted for the 20th March when the planets become aligned and the moon is at its closest point to the earth putting pressure on the plates. There is no predicting earthquakes, and being in the Pacific ring of fire it makes New Zealand a hot spot for these natural disasters, suffering approximately 100 a year. Its food for thought… My mind churns with chatter and then a moment of clarity… A bolt of lightning… I know where I am meant to be… I know where I will start again, and it won’t be New Zealand the land I love.

CANADA I’M COMING HOME!

The moment I realise this, the ideas and planning steps start tumbling through my mind and I scribble them down to stop my swimming thoughts from exploding. Oh my god, it really is Canada YES YES YES!!! Funny how it takes a disaster to make you realise something you probably already guessed?? NO more wasting time, I can enjoy my travels knowing the next steps needed to make this happen. I will go back to Vancouver in June and seek out holistic courses related to what will be needed in my retreat like homeopathy, reki, mountain leader, avalanche awareness, sod it I will even learn French again! The best way to do this is for me to apply for a Study/Work visa for 3yrs and get the relevant qualifications to add to my Yoga Teacher, whilst getting part time jobs to help integrate me into the city and make some new friends. Maybe some extra jobs in films (please help me Nacho!), or a cool coffee shop and enjoy being a student again learning new things meeting new people not having to use my brain for work only for study  THIS FEELS GREAT!!! I just know this is the right decision and I’m SO EXCITED!!! After 3yrs of this type of visa plus work experience in this field, you can apply for permanent residency. I can pursue potential business sites and take my time learning about the country and its needs, and getting the knowledge and experience needed to make the retreat perfect. I CANNOT WAIT! I’ll be able to learn to ski, make pots, climb new mountains and explore new lands YEEESSSSSSSS!!!! It all works to plan, I’m guessing college semesters start in September so I’ll be back home in between and then back off to live in Vancouver and start my new life. It’s happened, I got my gut feeling, and it took all this madness for it to happen. DETERMINATION.

I can’t sleep with excitement and stay up researching the web on visa controls and colleges, my mind is buzzing when I hit the sheets and I don’t sleep from grinning and thinking about Canada my new home. In the morning we travel further down the west coast stopping in Hokitika known for its Pounamu (greenstone). I couldn’t care less, I’m busy writing plans for Canada, starting the networking and sharing my good news. I couldn’t be any happier receiving my messages of encouragement and support from my amazing friends and family, it’s going to be hard leaving you all… BUT exciting for you to come and visit me! Anyone want to buy any Jade?? Fuck the Jade I want a London Fog Canadian buzz! Anyone want to go gold panning?? Fuck the Gold I want a Vancouver maple leaf! OMG!! I’m so ecstatic now that I know where I’m going!! We head further south to Westland National Park, containing scenic lakes, dense forests, many of the Southern Alps highest peaks and two famous glaciers. We arrive to the Franz Josef Alpine village and I opt into the half day glacier hike. I get kitted out in waterproof warm clothes and massive heavy hiking boots and crampons ready for the ice. We are guided onto the rubble which has been pushed out of the glacier as it declines back and melts. We head further on up and get on the wet ice, waterfalls of melted glacier pour through the crevices and sheets of ice wall up around us, leading to ice caves and steps cut out by the guides with their picks. The ledges of ice are slanted and we hold on to the ropes and dig the crampons into deep ice blue and bright. The glaciers in New Zealand, unlike European glaciers withdraw ‘and’ grow back again, and they do it in a recycling circle motion, the ice mountains almost falling over themselves pushing the glacier forward. If you drop something in the top, it would recycle through the bottom and out the other end within just 5 years, much quicker than you’d expect a glacier outside of NZ, how amazing is that? It’s almost alive???

My hostel at Chateaux Franz is has Franz in view and a hammock to read, and I meet another guy from San Francisco cycling around NZ woofing, now that’s travelling professionally  We chat about the USA and the employment situation, blue collar jobs being wiped out from making products cheaply in other countries like Mexico and China. This in turn turning most of the mid-west into a ghost town, I’ll say it again GREED! We all support it though, by opting for the cheapo products from Walmart, Warehouse and the like, we all want a bargain and don’t think about what happens behind the scene. The next day is jammed with stops, starting with driving through Fox Glacier village, and stopping at Lake Matheson, a mirror lake reflecting the southern alps which dominate the skyline. Its stunning, buuuuut the Mirror Lake in Yosemite that Josh and I practiced yoga and surfing on was so much better with the different layers and colours. But its breathtaking nonetheless, the day is clear and a low morning mist settles on the lake and some ducks cruise across it. I smile and greet everyone ‘Good Morning!’ along the trail and instigate the happy times for all! I’m a true Vancouvern! 

Lake Wanaka for a smoothie and a gawp at the deep blue waters with kids jumping in splashing about in the sunshine, I must come back here and stay longer and take a dip in the Lake. A quick stop at the first original bungee bridge over the Kawarau bridge and a quiet Korean girl takes the plunge in barefeet, I’m tempted but I’ve been there a few times dangling and so need a new kind of rush, and I know just what that is, Paragliding! You take a run off the edge of a steep mountain at 5000 feet and jump… I can’t wait! Once we land in Queenstown, the adventure capital of the world, I walk down to Lake Wakatipu and watch the mountains burn orange as the sun goes down. As I’m reading, a Swedish guy called Michael starts chatting to me, he’s been living here for a couple months learning English at school in Queenstown and living with a New Zealand family. He was a specialist medic in the navy & army, and now seeks to further his expertise to first response medical teams. He kindly helps me find my way around the town with a tour, he is a true Viking blonde blonde blonde and blue eyed, muscley and chivalrous. I pick up supplies for my trip to Milford Sounds the next day, the Viking insists on carrying my bags, and we walk around the lake, he’s a nice interesting guy interested in extreme sports, walking and cycling down mountains. We can discuss more over dinner tomorrow he suggests, sounds good to me! As we stand at the lake some paragliders float over the waters when suddenly 2 of the guys each dettach themselves from their tandem guy just metres before the water and pull their chutes and they swing down to the ground unscathed just missing the water and not breaking a sweat WOW… I’ve booked my paraglide and the nerves are setting in!

My hostel Southern Laughter is SAAAWWEEETTTTT!!! I’m sharing with the cute Dutch girls off the bus and we have a couch, TV and kitchen in our room, how did this happen??? I feel terribly old when they invite me to one of the girls ‘19th’ birthday, I think I’ll start letting people decide how old I am rather than telling… CANADA RULES! They head out and I’m left in my mini apartment all to myself and its BLISS. The old mother goose in me wakes up and realises the girls aren’t home and its 4am, in fact they don’t get home until 730am after meeting some guys and staying in their tents. God I’m old. They shake off their hangovers and we all set off for the bus to Milford Sounds. It’s meant to be one of the most spectacular journeys of NZ, some say the World! We take a stop mid way past Te Anau, with its famous hikes such as the Routeburn and I manage to find a café that will make me a London Fog MMMMmmmmm feels like home!

‘How do you make it possum?’

‘Earl Grey tea latte with a shot of vanilla please! Half water half steamed milk if that’s ok?’ LOVE THIS FEELING!

A lady is stood next in line listening ‘URGH that’s revolting’ her face twisted into a nasty little ball of lines, ‘I wouldn’t drink that if you paid me, YAK!’ she spits and jolts her whole body in disgust.
Time almost stands still for a moment…. I feel like I’ve just asked for a cup of sloppy dog shit. My fist rises into the air and I POW her to the floor shouting THAT’S FROM VANCOUVER BITCH! As I play out this fantasy in my head a smile comes to my face and she doesn’t understand why I haven’t taken the drink the cashier has kindly made. I stand still smiling looking at the old hag, pick up my sloopy dog shit and slurp it at her. Don’t diss the London Fog!

The drive continues down Milford Road passing amazing geological features, untouched wilderness and native wildlife not forgetting passing through the Homer tunnel, which is more like a pitch black scarey cave. After getting on the boat, we cruise deep into the Fiord and out to the open sea. The weather is moody today so the water looks black, and the many dome shaped mountains grey. Its stunning yes of course it is, but I wonder if I’ve become desensitized to the beauty of it all. Its more mountains, and as Courtney said to me in Canada when we got to Lake Louise ‘It ‘aint blue!’ Have we been brainwashed by photoshoped postcards that when faced with real beauty its not as overwhelming? There are glacier valleys, river valleys with thunderous waterfalls and also some penguins and endangered birds. I’m kinda over it?? There is some information on ‘Doubtful Sounds’ which I ‘doubt’ is any better.

Dinner with the Viking is Oysters and Champagne, his treat! I learn more about the blonde beauty, including the fact its actually his 37th birthday today, he has a twinkle in his eye for sure. The Viking is an anesthesia medic, thats what he specialises in, so is responsible for the needles and keeping you alive whilst having an operation, baby, leg cut off, new heart put in, you name it he has an interesting story about it. Whilst in the navy his ship chased pirates in Somali and rescued hostages, whilst in the army he fed and gave medical attention to the innocent children of war in Afghanistan. A true hero, in fact a really interesting and amazing clever guy. We walk back to my hostel and my 19yr old room mates are throwing a party in our mini apt…great… it works out well since my Viking and I chat and swing on the swing outside until the party fades at 1am. His strong and blonde hairy forearms plead me to stroke them, I’ve always had a fetish for manly hairy strong arms, but suddenly my heart pounds as the Viking kisses me. The Viking conquers all in his path! I stammer my excuses about paragliding and an early morning and sleep off my giddyness, it could just be the champagne?? I dream about True Blood and Swedish hunks…

Want a great way to start your Monday morning?? Paraglide off the Coronet skifield at 5000 feet! I’m the lone Brit amongst the rowdy Germans all chattering in the bus, my heart still pounding, is that from the champagne, the late night, the Viking kiss, or the Paraglide fear?? What a combo! I’m teamed up with Petr a 42yr old cute Czech pilot, he’s all smiles and makes me feel relaxed (keep my sunnies on to avoid him seeing the fear sting in my eyes). On the plateau the pilots all get their gear ready and harness up their passengers, I get rid of my anxiety by shaking out the limbs and turning the fear around to excitement. Yes this will be amazing!! WHY I AM LAST??? OH FUCKEROO!! The fear slips back in as I watch not only all of the paragliders take off (some slip on the hill and its terrifying) I watch all the hangliders go too! There is just Petr and I left alone on the top… this is it! I stare out across to the Remarkables the famous mountain range and decide that YES THIS IS AMAZING GET A GRIP! Petr shouts me to start running, the resistance of the chute pulls me back and as I reach the edge, the chute sails into the air and Petr shouts FAST RUN!!!! There is no resistance now and I plunge my feet down the steep hill so quickly but almost as soon as I start my legs are bicycling in mid air, we are airbourne immediately! EASYY!!! We glide effortlessly through the air, peacefully floating without a care in the world and I can’t stop grinning!! (check my FB for video!) There is nothing but mountains around us and lush green farmlands and forests below us for miles. I take the reins of the glider and fly us feeling totally confident and breathless at how amazing and beautiful everything is up here. Petr takes over and says, ‘If you scream I won’t stop what I’m doing, you have to say STOP!’
I wonder exactly what he is planning??? In the air??? He pulls down hard on one of the reins and begins the wing overs, and we slice the air moving in diagonals from left to right swinging horizontally and around in a circle the other way, my stomach leaps and lunges as we fly through the space up and down and over ourselves WOWOWOWOW!!! WHAT A RUSH!!! Petr takes us into a death spiral, yes that speaks for itself and we move quickly towards the ground, but I feel so safe it’s crazy! We land perfectly under Petr’s guidance, both feet on the ground and a shakey hug to my amazing pilot. My hands are pumped and shake, the veins popped and ready for the Vikings needle! What an adrenalin rush, I want to go again, how can I possibly go about my normal day now? I walk back to the bus like Mrs soft jelly legs and Petr and I go for a cup of tea to calm my adrenalin. These older guys are a blessing, they just know how to handle and look after you! Thanks Petr for keeping me safe and giving my one of the best highlights of my trip! (I’m glad you told me afterwards you were the least experienced of all the pilots… but you were definitely the best!!)

For the afternoon the Viking and I hike up the Ben Lomand trail from Queenstown, up to the summit at 1700 metres. Its steep in places and quite challenging but the views are amazing. I feel like I could run up there I’m still so high from my adrenalin buzz. The forest is dense and dark but scattered with bright red and white speckled mushrooms everywhere, its like a magical fairys garden. We take a picnic looking out to the remarkables and the ranges on the other side of the mountain past the gondolas, the air is fresh and the sky is blue. Viking stomps up with ease whilst I huff and puff behind, but he walks slow for me, carries my waters and makes us stop for a breathing break (for my benefit only) I think about Donkey… At the summit, Lake Moke lies blue beneath us and the river barely visible winds around the base of the mountain. A kiss rewards the effort to get to the top, his lips are soft and his arms hairy OH YES! Jumping off the map we take a different route back down led by the Viking, traversing across the tops of the cradle peaks, it’s a narrow track which basically goes straight across the tops of the mountains. “yes of course I’m fine” I yell as I daren’t look down and try and keep my balance. My braveness comes to a sickening holt when I’m faced with climbing across a cliff face with a sheer drop below into the tops of trees and mountains. As I start to edge myself across I hear myself shout ‘I don’t like it… Michael I really don’t like it!’ A wave of sickness hits me and I look down…BIG MISTAKE… I reach for a ledge as the colour fades from my face… Before I can panic further Michael has wrapped his body around mine in front of me so I will not fall, and I can’t see down. He tells me to breathe… Forgot about that important part… The spaz tears come and I’m hot but know that I have to continue, we can’t turn back so I’m going to have to pull myself together. Michael takes my backpack, and takes his time talking calmly to me helping me breathe and putting my feet and hands where they need to go until we reach the flatter part away from the mountain edge. He takes my hand and pulls me up to the top and doesn’t let go when we get there.

‘OK now ve vest, eat and forget all about vis, you so brave and good Mechell, look at what you just achieved you should be very proud, I vink you are amazing’
He is officially my hero. Seriously, I secretly have a new found admiration for him. What was I afraid of?? I’m with a real action man who has been roaming the seas fighting pirates and dodging bombs in Afghan, who happens to be an expert emergency medic nurse who seems to adore me. I’m in safe hands with this Viking!
I calm down, and we watch from the top as the ferry sails across Lake Wakatipu, and the sunshine starts to dip and it hits the boat making it gleam against the waters. We lie still and silent for some moments in the grass, my heart still pounding, Viking feeds me some grapes and water and tells us we have to head back before nightfall traps us on the top, its 7pm now so we won’t make it down in time in the light so we navigate around the mountain through the dark forest to the gondolas. I take some pictures for an excited family from Pakistan, and the Viking suddenly hugs me and tells me he loves me… 3 days in and he’s in love! I tell him his English is VERY bad, but I’ll help him  Dirty, tired and tear stained (that’s just me) we swing down the Gondola to the pretty lights of Queenstown and grab some sushi and sake to celebrate getting home in one piece, Vikings twinkle is getting stronger…

Another early start, Supergirl is back in town! My adventure this morning involves a cliff hugging bus ride on an unmarked gravel road SQUEAK to the white water rafting point down the Shotover River. It’s a grade 4/5 rapid, and the waters are glacier melt blues and menacing! The Lancashire guide advises those who are weaker to sit at the back with him, yes that’s me! That bloody stupid accident holding me back as usual, I rub my elbow and wrist and tell them it will be ok just hold on tight and paddle as hard as you can, and listen to your cheeky Lancashire guide who makes fun of you the whole way round for being a scouser cripple! I’m soaked immediately, and in between laughs I feel the guide grabbing my lifejacket constantly pulling me back in the boat as I bounce over the edges continually as we hit the racing waters. Yeah, being at the back actually means you are more likely to be bounced out! The guide talks us through the safety rules, what to do if we flip, fall, get trapped under the raft, stuck in a rapid, drown! His boat flipped twice yesterday so he wants to ensure we all know what to do. TERRIFIED!!! We smash over the ‘Toilet bowl’ rapid and the guide screams PADDLE FORWARD FASTTTTTERRR NOW NOW NOW QUICKLY and like Indians we paddle and power across the scariest rapid in the river, before we can relax we hit ‘Oh Shit’ ‘jaws’ and ‘the sequel’ rapids and somehow our left right forward backward paddling gets us through (albeit I’ve been bounced about and nearly gone over if it wasn’t for the guide keeping a tight clutch on me). A calmer piece of water allows us to jump into the smooth waters and drift swim down the freezing rapids for a while before being dragged back into the boat in preparation for the tunnel entrance which is dark and the cave roof is close to our heads, sometimes the tunnel is full of water and cannot be accessed at all! Exiting the tunnel we smash straight into Cascade the final rapid (again I bounce straight up and over, but the guides elastic arms keep me safe within). I’m just not scared anymore, whats going on?? Ha SG RULES 

I meet the Viking afterwards for lunch and he suggests we go to Stewart Island for a couple of days, he will pay and organize everything, I think he is brilliant. It’s the most remote part of the South, separated from the main island by the Foveaux Strait. Rakiura National Park comprises 85% of the island teemed with birds, forest walks and wildlife. YES OK LETS DO IT! Taking charge he says we’ll go now, this very second, and before I know it he’s booked it, packed it, and we’ve fucked off! We head to Invercargill, named after a high profile Scottish settler, and set up to support the import trade coming through Bluff where we will get the ferry to Stewart Island in the morning. The southern scenic route, is the highway through the rugged and untouched beauty of the Catlins and its beautiful farmlands with a heavy influence of Haggis. I make us dinner like a good Viking wife and we enjoy some vino and more exciting stories about where our lives are headed. Viking has a dream to sail his boat around New Zealand, maybe someday have a family and sail around the world with them. I talk about my dream of Canada and the retreat and living self-sufficiently, and he tells me he could easily help me build this dream if I let him. He can build things with wood, he is the Headmaster of Sports in the Hospital so could lead all of the outdoor activities, he is an emergency medic so everyone would be safe, he was a Massuse in his spare time for the Navy (Mmmmm Swedish massage!), he can cook, and then he tells me he can love…’I’m good for you Mechell, I’m that man you are looking for, I vill be right for you’
Too much vino for the Viking?? I have to tell him again his English is very bad, but the idea is nice enough, maybe I’d like to sail around the world after all? A giant Father Christmas interrupts and invites the Viking to his bedroom to meet another Swede, he has tomato ketchup all over his big white beard and I laugh hoping this will distract the love talk… for now!

We head to Bluff early in the morning (Vikings twinkle is getting stronger!) and the wind has really picked up, and rain is expected. Some locals joke about getting ready for the stormy ride and I stuff the ginger tablets into my gob, thanks Grandad for telling me to always take this, I wouldn’t have survived my bus or anything without it. If you take ginger all of the time, you can eliminate all travel sickness for good, and its natural and good for you. On the Catamaran our skipper tells everyone to hold on tight, grab a sick bag, its going to be a rough ride. No shit! The waves crash over the top of the boat slamming the sides, banging, smashing and spinning, willing us to flip. I cling onto the seat in front knowing the Viking protects, and he keeps tight hold of us (and a sick bag) and keeps us smiling as we listen to Norah Jones calming songs on the IPOD ignoring the spewing passengers all around us. Green, desperate faces try and stand to see the line of the horizon to keep the sickness at bay, but its too hard to stand on a rollercoaster! Staff dish out cold wet towels for hot sweaty necks, and the rubber gloves grab the filled sickness bags and we close our eyes and shut out the chaos. ENDO? Naaaaaaaaa not yet! The waves bash the windows, and we dip into the massive swells and freefall off the tops for a good hour before we spot land, it gets calmer as we get closer to the island. I’m a little spacey but its worth it to be here, especially with a Viking.

‘Good things take time’.

After dumping our bags we hike out to Lees Bay and it rivals Abel Tasman in terms of untouched beauty, and there is less people horay! Sandy white beaches and lush vegetation makes it an exquisite bushwalk. The weather goes crazy wind, then sun, then rain, then sun, warm sunshine! Lets go for a swim! We race through the bush strip off and jump in the water, its freezing but so much fun. The waters are turquoise against the pure shores of the sand, the moment is suddenly invaded with a heavy batch of HAIL….what? We rush to get our clothes back on, but mine are soaked immediately, I grab my boots and run half dressed into the bush. You have to laugh really, everything is fun when you happy right? I think back to the man at the sweet shop who tempted me in with a free sliver of creamy fudge, and once I tasted it, I wanted the whole thing it was so nice, I wanted more nice. I want more right now.

More love advances from the Viking, he’s so kind and sensitive but strong! But its too scarey the way he is talking, I’m just not on that path??? Or am I too pessimistic and blind to love now, I always kill the romance. HAIL THE VIKING HE WILL NOT CONQUER ME! He doesn’t take me calling him Cassonova in the teasing way, in fact he gets really upset and tells me he is true to his feelings about me, not a Cassonova… What the hell is going on?? I thought Vikings were meant to rape, pillage and burn!!! This modern Swede carried bags, holds babies and loves! Like the good wife I cook again, and we pop the Champagne ‘La Michelle’ my lovely Rosie bought for me, I think it’s a perfect moment to slosh it. I get my authentic swedish massage which was body melting and……ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I completely pass out sloshed on fizz, massage and dribble. Waking up I’m still in heaven, and I nudge the Viking to wake up and watch ‘The Beach’ and get inspired again! Pure Shores indeed, I know where I want to be, Canada is calling me baby, and boy I feel it! Viking and I snuggle in, and for a second I forget we’re strangers and imagine sailing around the world back to Canada together. The rest of the juicy details you will have to beg me for, this one is all mine.

SNEEZE CENTRAL. I guess swimming in the hail isn’t so good for your body. Ah well the sun is shining so we decide to hike out to bathing bay before breakfast and take a morning dip in the crystal blue ocean. Skinny dip? We’re the only crazies mad enough to swim in the freezing waters, and have the whole beach to ourselves, its our very own Pure Shores! Swim, splash, jump, steal towel, yoga, run, shout, KISS! Brunch and a game of chess, Chelles rules, the queen can become the knight CHECK MATE! I’m persuaded to change my bus again, so we head back on the boat after relaxing in the sunshine all day and head to Lake Wanaka. We take the most amazing scenic drive over the top of the mountain and all its glory at sunset, and then I’m treated to a Lakeside lodge with an iron!!! And conditioner!!! After a crap dinner and dangerous shower I sleep… worried about the future suddenly.

Black Friday. The Viking suffers! He brings me tea and shows me the rainbow across the lake and receives a temporary pardon, well just until this cuppa is finished. Now I’m fed fresh melons and berries and more earl grey teas…Mmmmm. He suffers well, I like it. Still I worry… Back in Queenstown, the Viking goes to his graduation and I seek distraction in the town. Ear piercing time. I need the pain to distract, and give me an adrenalin buzz of some sort. I get the top of my lobe pierced and the needle pops through the tough cartilage making my toes curl. That did it! Now I have this excruciating pain to take away all other thoughts. Jesus, am I a self harmer?? Naaaa just dead hard!! Tattoo next, but will wait till me and Jenny get to LA Ink and get the pro’s to do us (the tats). I’m certain that I will extend my existing tat on my back by incorporating some lotus flowers travelling up my side. My journey feels like that of the lotus flower right now, starting from the bottom of a muddy pond rising to the sunshine and suddenly blooming into a beautiful flower. If anyone has any art for lotus flowers, I’d love to see it?! Viking reads my blooming thoughts and takes me to the Queenstown gardens to show me the yellow roses, how did he know I would love this? Thinking of nan.... Maybe he is the guy for me, he gives me gifts of delicious Swedish chocolate, a Viking horse keyring for my geeky backpack, and his greenstone necklace. He is so sweet, stop twinkling at me, I’m not on this path! We sit in the roses, me writing a California survival guide for his trip the next day, him telling me more stories about delivering babies by C-section and helping mums bath and feed them. Can he be anymore adorable?? Moving onto making snow caves in the snow, yes of course he has done this, the Viking will always provide and protect. My admiration grows. As we walk back through the gardens together, I spot the pink lotus flowers on the pond blooming and smile knowing some things just fall into place at the right time sometimes don’t they? Over sushi and sake the Viking asks me what does he need to do for me to love him? I guess be different than the rest, tell me something clever cloggs doesn’t already know or can’t already do herself. Change this independent women into actually needing someone. He simply nods and tell’s me that this is just the beginning and he has many things to show me… What would make you love me I ask?
‘You already do this, you give me time. Time spent with you makes me be in love with you, more and more each day. We could sit in silence, but I would still be with you. We could climb a mountain, I would be with you. Eat. Sleep. Time. Please give me more time… I love you already’

The following day we are biking to Lake Moke, and then across to Aurthurs point over and around the mountain and back to Queenstown. Heavy duty suspension mountain bike, check. Helmet, check. Rally gloves, check. Do you know it’s a black trail across the mountain, check…er what?? Deja vous?? Supergirl nods along, yeah I’ll be fine, I’ve done loads of biking (mostly on my mary poppins biking cycling to lark lane and back with bread and cheese in my basket). Kidding! Course I’ll be good, SG is back remember. I’ve done rides in Wales with William and had near heart attacks, this should at least have nicer views. Besides I’m with a VIKING! Have no fear, always try, always say YES when you would usually say no, its way more fun  We bike out around Lake Wakatipu and chase the boat up the bay, uphill to Lake Moke (nearly!) Picnic at the Lake with the campervans, are we the only fools on bikes? I could lie here all day with him… The track is blue thus far which is medium to difficult, some steep hills yes, can I do them all, no, does the Viking stop all of the time and make us walk because he is great, yes. He could do this blindfolded, but he rather I enjoy myself too ok than racing off, and it feels different. Nice! There is an icy river running through the two mountains and he cools his feet in the waters whilst I look at the first snows dumped on the mountain tops overnight. It’s a stunning ride, and the landscapes are worth the painful steep slopes. We are surrounded only by mountains, no people or noise, just us two, farmlands and some stray bulls. Time for black. OH FUCK. It’s a single very narrow technical track, add shingle, thorns, height, rocks to that, all on the edge of a mountain. Panic. No don’t panic…try. Can’t try. Come on try!! No Chelle can’t move at all! I sound like Gollum I know, I should stop this argument and just try. I attempt to navigate the mud and slopes but my nerves are shot and I immediately wobble on the narrow track. Want to know what could be possibly worse than this? Trying to push your bike instead with all of those factors, but you can’t walk by the side of the bike as there is no room on the track so you walk through the thorns and the bush tearing your legs and arms. How much longer, just 5k. Great! OK well this means I will have to carry bike on shoulders instead. This works better, but not so sensible since Im on the edge of a mountain wobbling with the weight. FUCK IT! Viking rescues me all of the time of course, grabbing my bike and carrying it through the dangerous parts DON’T LOOK DOWN, keep the tears in this time until he asks me if I’m ok. ‘I HATE IT!!!’ I gulp back the tears and let myself be rescued again… independent woman needs? I pull myself together and know that there is no point being scared anymore, we have to go on, we have to take the bikes, we can’t turn back. We look back at the mountain face we just navigated across and even the Viking is shocked, see what we did, you’re amazing! I look in bewilderment as I don’t even see the stupid trail, and I decide to ride the last 2 scarey kilometres downhill with the footbrakes on, I don’t care about my legs getting shredded, I need the brakes. Ahead the Viking goes for it and goes head over handlebars and tears his knees open, its nothing he says as he wipes away the blood and I go back to walking with my bike until it looks safer… After a long 7hrs of pain, sweat and tears (me only) we make it back to the road and fight the head on winds blowing us in reverse. I collapse into a grumpy coma back at the hostel, and nurse my sore ass, surely that’s a Viking job?

Dinner a la Solvera, an amazing boutique and romantic French Restaurant. Viking treats us to Seafood Bouillabaisse, fine red wine, fresh breads, Crème Brule trio’s and mature cheeses. Our final supper feast, over candlelit smiles and laughter…
‘Believe in Love… be my girlfriend’

Some classical 1940’s songs are playing, he stands up and takes me hands and pulls me to dance.
‘My mother taught us all to dance, it’s very important!’ and we foxtrot around the tables to the words K’sera, whatever will be will be… how ironic… Whatever will be my Viking. I’m a free spirit on a completely different journey right now. Of course I know he is good for me, of course I feel his twinkle, but its all simply too much to take in. I will have to let this true romantic action hero go for now…
We say our goodbyes the following morning, and I’m told this is just the beginning… As my bus leaves him I feel like I’ve forgotten something… maybe I will have to find it again in Sweden someday.

Surrounded by strangers once again, and I need some possum rest and recuperation after jumping off mountains, traversing peaks, death spirals and that was just with Viking never mind all the extreme sports I did BADDA BOOM! My bus heads to Dunedin, and was founded by Scottish settlers as a ‘perfect place’, which it still remains for the hordes of tertiary students that pour in each year from around NZ. Dunedin means ‘Edinburgh of the South’ and the early affluence gained in the nearby gold rush helped the settlers to construct the mini Scotland, and you can definitely sense a strong Scottish influence still evident in the city. MUMMY!!! I miss you!!! Fifi the Ginge is a born bred Scottish Haggis head. The first time I donated blood, I was given a certificate to show my blood type and origin, it was B R- from the Scottish hemispheres. When mum saw this she was so excited saying ‘Oh my god you actually are my real daughter!!’ Joke perhaps, but that was still that look of relief deep in her eyes… Naughty mummy!

My dorm is lonely and my heart sinks a little thinking about the Vikings hairy forearms and Swedish Massage tricks. No tours for this tired out little traveller, I vege out on the web and sort some travel plans, my wife will be here in 2 weeks YAY! I have her for SIX SEXY WEEKS of bum popping and fog blogging carry on campervan HURRAHHHS! A nutter opposite me repeatedly swears DIRTY FUCKING BITCH at his screen whilst rocking his head angrily, both hands on the keyboard please pervert.

Lake Tekapo next day, and I bump into the YMCA Brits from Wellington and have some welcomed friendly faces to talk to again. After a stop at Omaru, some boulder playing on a beach I decide to ramp up the adrenalin with a scenic flight over the southern alps to Tekapo. It’s a small 6 seater aircraft, and I’m totally calm and excited to get airbourne. I don’t flinch when the plane drops and my stomach lurches, I smile and I might’ve even yawned… But not only because I’m tired, not bored! The plane heads up over the wonders of Lake Tekapo. This is a Lake I’ve visited each year, and it doesn’t cease to take my breath away. Its unique blue colour is from the fine minerals from the rocks being held near the surface of the water reflecting the sunlight. The veins of silt flow away towards the mountains and as we get closer, we pass over glaciers Tasman, then Fox and hey there is Franz too, I hiked up that one! The mountains are too huge to gauge how huge they really are, until a teeny helicopter below us gives some indication that we are simply a grain of dust in these snowy ranges. The icy air blasts through the cracks in the plane and I shiver and look down the 800 metre deep glacier crevices. Mt Cook stands tall amongst its brothers and the ice gleems in the sunshine. Just how do these mountaineers climb these beasts, its truly a skill that I want to tap into, maybe not Mt Cook, but definitely a Canadian competitor. Someday! The plane swirls around the snow capped peaks against the blue sky and the day is simply perfect. I relax with the camera and simply absorb the luxury of being allowed to be amongst the highest peaks in New Zealand, its beautiful, I wish I could share the feeling more, words just don’t describe how it felt to be in mid air above the clouds looking out at shapes, lakes, glaciers, peaks, snow and nature all at once. New Zealand gets more breath taking with each blink, there is so much to discover.

After my high (literally) I check into Lakeside hostel, a must for any backpacker, it’s a great location and really relaxed and warm. I get an added bonus when I see my sweet dutch girls from Queenstown who thought I was kidnapped by the Viking, and question me for all the romance details  I miss the Viking! I share my dorm with a German guy who tips me off about the Bula Fiji island pass, a must do bargain that I need to try and get sorted for this Sunday? Star gazing tonight on top of Mt John, we head up at 9.45pm, the lights are out on the bus to reduce light pollution and to help our eyes adjust to the darkness. All very well and good, but how does the bloody van see up the mountain?? I’ve driven up this pass with Grandad and Jens before and I know its pretty steep! At the top, we are guided with small red lasers to the telescopes and the show begins…simply look up… WOWOWOOWWOWOWOOW I have NEVER seen the sky filled with so many stars, and have NEVER seen the milky way or the galaxies with my bare eyes. This is UNREAL! We see different stars on the southern hemisphere and more of them, a guide hooks up my camera to take some timed slowed shutter shots, and I pretend I understand as he adjusts the functions and back away slowly in the dark to concentrate on the lesson of science. The Big Bang! We are nothing in this universe, there are billions of galaxies out there all with their own solar system, planets and stars and we are fools if we think we are the only living things in this universe. Total fools! Looking through the telescope I’m shown Saturn with its perfect rings wrapped around its body, I may be seeing it a million light years away, but still it’s awesome to get to see it at all! I lie back on the bench and drift into a different galaxy whilst our guides fill my brain with science that makes my head thump as I try and get my head round the chicken and the egg scenario, so what was there before the big bang???? How did it all start???? I promise to study more astronomy, I like the links showed to me by Cameron in astrology, but I’m eager to learn more science on this stuff. I’m sure Cat recommended a penguin classic book to me, any ideas anyone?? The guide tells us that there are no silly questions, only silly answers so ask what we want. In fear of looking silly, I put on an Aussie accent (no-one can see my face) and ask ‘Whats the difference between a planet ad a star’. Answers on a postcard please!

The mountain gets colder on the top, after swilling down a few hot chocs its 1am already and we head back to the bus. I check my phone for the time and blind myself with the screen my eyes have become so used to the darkness. The dutch girls have abandoned their tent for the warmth of the hostel couches, its freezing outside so I talk my german guy to letting them sleep in our room top and tail, saweeetttt! They are so happy and warm horay!! Of course the German doesn’t mind two cute Dutch girls sleeping above him in the same bed ;-) I bid farewells to them in the morning, agreeing to let them woofer on my Canadian farm if they keep in touch and get on the bus for the final time. I’m heading to Geraldine, where I jump off and hitch a ride to Temuka and Ian the lovely farmer comes and picks me and my smelly backpack up grateful to see his cheery smile and very tired! Take me home Ian 

AAAahhhhhhhhh coming back to the farm is heaven, I’m immediately energised as soon as we land. The whispering willow trees are swaying, the vines are turning reds and the bobby calves are healthy and happy. All is blissfully lovely. I have my own room, can clean my clothes, get a nice shower, breathe and catch up with my good friend. There are also two younger German girls woofing at the farm (I think about Trudi’s lovely message in her wardrobe for them ‘fuck off woofers!’ and Ian and I laugh trying to find it, must have been hard growing up with a house full of strangers sitting on your couch your whole life). The girls are young, and nice enough. There are some Dutch guests arriving at the cottage the next day, I love the Dutch! I’m left to wander and relax, enjoy and reflect whilst Ian pops out. I make dinner like a good farmers wife, and the heaven is interupted. Ian’s car comes back up the drive, but with no Ian… A lady comes into the farmhouse ‘Are you Michelle?’… ‘Yes’ I panic…. ‘Whats happened???’

‘Ian has been taken to hospital in an ambulance’ she tells me ‘I’m his niece, and he told me to let you know and phone his daughter’
I feel sick… ‘No no no, whats happened to him, is he ok, where is he, can I go, oh shit, I need to call the hospital, I better phone Trudy, will he be ok, take the trailer off the car, Im going to the hospital’

She hasn’t understood a word I said, I’m panic gabbering and I’m a scouser, no a good combo. ‘Listen’ she says ‘His sister Jane is with him now, she will phone you in a bit so stay here and wait until we know whats happened ok?’
OK. Time to be a Viking! I call Trudy calmly and leave a message for her (I’m guessing she is somewhere between sailing and Elle McPherson right now), I tell the woofers that we need to look after the farm if needed and we will move the cows in the morning, and feed the chucks tonight. For now we will eat dinner and then I will go to the hospital, Ian will be ok… I’m sending my positive thoughts Ian! His sister calls with news that hes ok, and its not a stroke or angina but they are running tests on him, not to worry and to stay at the farm. A few hours lately, our cheery smiler is back at the farm, turns out he was stuffing his face with a gazillion brazil nuts and he body went bonkers on him. A serious bad reaction to the nuts, and it cost him a CT scan and body part check! So glad he’s ok, he’s a tough ol bugga!!! No way is there anything wrong with this guys health, he’s a machine. We sit up and chat and talk about love, life and foreign relations all washed down with a good ol’ cuppa tea English style 

I sleep like a baby, and join Ian to start the day on our farming tasks. We move the cows, and then set up some new electrical fencing in the adjacent field. Three minor shocks and one bloody big great FAT one wakes me up and my heart thumps as I forget and receive the big FAT one and it’s almost as if I don’t realise it’s a shock and my hand sticks to it for a second. Fuck that was scary! Who needs paragliding adrenalin boosts when you can do some farming and get 4 shocks and all before 8am in the morning!
I love learning about the farm, Ian is so patient and tells me all he can about everything I ask. He definitely can come and woof on my Canadian farm for me! I make lunch for him and the girls and then take a trip to town to see the folks and get lots of Farm wife errands done! The folks have dumped me for a coach trip bless, I’m actually glad that they are getting out and about! Means I can bring them to the farm tomorrow yay! I feel like I know this place so well, and for a split second I wonder if I’m making the right choice with Canada and starting completely afresh into the unknown… YES COURSE I AM!!! !!! I clean out my old case and repack my rucksack with the bare essentials, I’m sick of clothes I don’t need. I take my bulging old case packed with clothes down to the Christchurch Refugees at the Salvation Army in town, and sign up to volunteer for a few days. Its good to help in some way at least, and I do have the experience of ‘Top Shop’ my clothes closet I manned in the Homeless centre in San Diego, I’m an expert ha!

My Viking continues to send me romance and quotes from romantic legends, and also a photo of the NHL screen in LA…. MARRY ME… Luckily it isn’t my name… this time… I’m sure he could do better than that anyhow romance wise. I make a BBQ feast for everyone on the farm and cottage guests and we sit into the darkness with incense and a fire, I love being home at the farm….


UPDATED 11TH APRIL

Ian and I play UFO hunting on the paddocks again this time with me in the crate at the end of the tractor crane that’s hoisted into the air by Ian behind the tractor gears. I’m sure I spot some dogging in the bushes and a few cows trying to hump in the other paddock, but Ian has me on Baily duties to photograph the grass from 30 feet in the air to capture the ‘craft’s’ landing damage on the grass. Speaking of grass….Ian put it down I’ve told you!  I get Mon and Ken up to the farm for a BBQ day, the woofers make them banana and chocolate muffins and chat stories about Germany and spud picking. The roses bloom deep velvet reds, and the fern starts to shade orange and red, autumn is coming and the colours are breathtaking. Its hard hearing the folks talk about their usual beans on toast at the home, as they scoff the fresh fish off the BBQ, fresh veggies and homebaked German muffins! But, don’t knock the beans on toast too much, I pretty much lived on this growing up, it evolved into beans on cheese on toast with brown sauce of course, it makes me think of home with nostalgia. Ken gets puffed and confused about where he is so we head back much to Monica’s dismay…’do we have to go back to that prison??’

The water vanishes from the taps and Ian and I go on a 1am leakage hunt across his paddocks in the darkness, torch and wellies to stand on that electric fence so Ian can drive over it leaving me in the field….alone….standing on an electric fence….in the dark….waiting….waiting….listening to the owls and the animals talk. Curb the irrationalism  After checking a few troughs and pipes in the paddocks we eliminate some of the obvious and call it a night until the morning.

If its yellow, let it mellow. If its brown flush it down!

After 5hrs sleep, I get up at 6.30am to make the Dutch guests in the cottage their fresh organic breakfast whilst Ian sorts out the water solution. Turns out to be dodgy ballcock. Why didn’t I think of that? The Dutchies are treated to a Chelle special of fresh baked organic raisin bread yes baked by me, pigs do fly (and bread making machines are ok to use so shut it Delia) fruits, organic muesli, flowers and fresh eggs still warm from the butts of the chucks. I love this practice and experience, its all needed for my own retreat, except breakfast will be served after Yoga of course. I take charge of the woofers and get them to weed around Ians drive and give his beautiful farm a womans spring clean touch, much to Ians delight as they attack the oven and fridge with a mask and a blow torch, these organic farmers never throw anything away!

I take Mon and Ken for a drive around town after some confusion with a power hungry nurse who shouted at Ken threatening the police for him walking out of the home a few days previously. He has dementia. Still shouting about him wandering off down the busy roads. He has dementia. Her voice is still raised now telling Monica all this going out all of the time won’t be helping. He has dementia. The smokers cats bum hole mouth still in ‘that’ tone telling Monica he isn’t allowed out and she can’t go either as she has to watch that Ken doesn’t try leave the home again.

HE HAS FUCKING DEMENTIA!!!

I calmly tell the power hungry bully that I ‘will’ be taking them both out for a drive, and that it is always a nice memory that we capture in photographs for Ken to remember. Then I wonder to ask her if its worth telling Ken off since he can’t remember 5 seconds ago so her police threats to an 80 year old man, suffering with dementia, who can only walk at minus 1 mile an hour on his disabled walker and broken body are wasted and for no-ones benefit aside from her own fight for power in a fragile little old persons home with the cute blue rinse brigade and ex navy boys who fought for her country. What would the police do, lock him up for forgetting to put his teeth in? We wash off her words and I toot the horn as we leave the home for afternoon cakes and tea at the bay, and a trip to the wharf to watch the fishermen’s boats come in, with some tasty salmon for tea. My hands are tied… I take them back with fake smiles for the bumhole mouth and tell her I understand for the sake of an easy life for Mon and Ken. As I walk out I leave a curse on her… I am a white witch after all, its about time I cooked up some spells right Tabitha?

The woofers leave today, and I decide I need to be in Fiji, in 2 days! I’m taking advantage of being on this side of the world and get a great late deal for a Bula Island Hopping pass for 9 days in the Yassaws Islands, it includes the ferry transportation across the blue oceans with 7 stops which I can decide out of a potential 45 different islands, my hut backpacker accommodation and 3 meals a day. I take the booking with STA travel for $800NZ sold! I make a seafood bouillabaisse for Ian and I, and fall asleep dreaming of shaking my tropical coconuts….

Overnight Japan has a devastating earthquake and tsunami. I watch the horror unveil on the news as they already announce that thousands are dead as scenes of the wall of water travelling at 550mph wipes out a city and everything in its path. There are tsunami alerts across the pacific islands including Fiji, and my mother is frantically emailing me about cancelled flights, I feel her already thinking about me worrying… Everyone is under the control of nature in reality.

My heart pours love out to the Japanese people and prays for fast aid. It makes the Christchurch quake look tiny compared to the damage in Japan. But devastation and lives lost is the same no matter how big the tragedy, its all equally upsetting and a tough time on the whole world as everyone starts mentally preparing for the next catastrophe.

I dwell on these thoughts and forget my wellies as I pound down the drive to help the cattle drive from the paddocks up the road. Its my job to keep the cattle from running straight down the road, I somehow have to steer them left up Ians drive and into the paddock. Flip flops and shorts were definitely not a good idea in the mud, bush and barbed wire that shredded my leg and has left me with an everlasting memory scar of the farm. I strangely like this new reminder, I love every experience I’ve had here, I never want to forget this place, that would be impossible  A quick call to the travel agent who informs that the flights to Fiji back on, the islands seem to be ok for now. I’ll be on a boat mostly, safer than on a beach anyway. I pack my small backpack, hitchhike into town meet Monica for a cuppa and slice and she insists on waving me off on my bus to Christchurch. I suddenly realise how teeny and frail she is as her eyes get watery in her goodbyes, I love this little lady so much, I tell her all the time, and not because she is deaf. I love you Aunty Monica! I SAID I LOVE YOU AUNTY MONICA 

As the bus gets into Christchurch the quake damage to the city is so much more real with your own eyes rather than through the TV screen. Most of the city is guarded by the army and police, they have tanks and guns to prevent anyone walking around and potentially hurting themselves or worse. There is a lot of work to be done, houses that you can see straight though, bathroom shower curtains flapping in the wind, piles of broken bricks stacked in the roads for miles, cracks in the tarmac that resemble something from a film, scaffolding and yellow tape everywhere. And there in the midst of rubble is 2 trees with red ribbons of support tied all over with messages from around the world for the good strong people of Christchurch letting them know the Nation is behind them 300%. These kiwis man, I love them, they are such a together community, surviving by supporting each other no matter what, we can learn from that. I get lost in the broken and armed deserted city and end up getting picked up by the police who kindly give me a lift to my hostel in exchange for my travelling journey tales so far, I quickly scan my memory blog for any acts of crime that could get me in trouble. I’m sure I threatened to kill the old lady who dissed the London Fogs?

I fly to Fiji for 10 days of ultimate paradise at its very best. My day starts with a message from the Viking
‘If you don’t take too long, I will wait for you forever.’ Oscar Wilde

Smugglers Cove on Nadi mainland is on the beach, it has a tropical rainpour before settling into a yellow sunset as I bookworm my mind into a space where there is nothing to think about but happiness. In hindsight my book ‘Consequences of Love’ about Islamic boys getting buggered by dirty fundamentilists rather than being allowed to love the women behind the veils, wasn’t really the fijian vibe I was going for. But its all research nonetheless for my poem on ‘Love & Commitment’ especially for Helen, my best friends wedding, don’t worry there will be no mention of buggery in there whatsoever!

Time to leave the skinny puppies who join me for breakfast, much to the Germans disgust especially when I ask for their bread scraps too and feed them as they woof in delight at me CUTE. I think about Costa Rica and the dogs we adopted there, I can’t wait to go back and get my Yoga qualification!
‘Dogz chood not be at ze table!’ she spits.
Er…well what are you doing sitting at it mien furor?

The boat at the Marina will take me across a small portion of the 300 islands that is Fiji, its called an archipelago, a word the Viking taught me as Sweden has a collection of islands too that he has promised to sail me around in his boat OOOoooooooooo! My first boat hop is to Manteray Island, as recommended as being a safer bet in the Tsunami stakes, plus it has amazing snorkelling opportunities. Everywhere I look is pure bounty island paradise! Blues, turquoise, palms, white beaches and lagoons! Manteray Island on Nanuya Balavu is nestled between two gorgeous pristine sandy white beaches and manta rays cruise the channels between the islands. All I hear for my whole duration here is ‘BULA’ it epitomises the warm friendly outgoing nature of the Fijian people. I meet another German girl (apparently there are 70,000 Germans in New Zealand on a working visa right now??) and we hang out swimming, reading, baking, star gazing. Thunderstorms in the distance, light up the beach and whilst I watch the best show in the world the dodgy manager hits on my friend. A randy manager on top of crappy fried food apparently put on for the ‘westerners’ gives this resort a thumbs down for me, its clearly a party place. I tuck into my next book ‘Bad Tuesdays strange energy’ its still not the fijian vibe I’m seeking but better than buggery so I’m thankful for superpowers and time travel adventures.

Sunrise Yoga is the best medicine I can give myself, and I can’t wait to share this with everyone! What a way to start your day on a Fijian beach. I’m inspired to start the love poem for Helen, its difficult as she doesn’t want my usual dark humour style at all so it’s a tough one. But I feel in the love zone, I take a walk and collect some shells to play with and my ambience takes a tumble. My foot slips on some seaweed rock and I do a Benny Hill style backward run on the spot desperately trying to keep upright, this seems to go on for a few good seconds before I finally land dead bang ouch on my tailbone. Won’t be shaking my tail feathers at anyone for a while…OW that hurt. Luckily no-one saw so the shame pain is void, just the physical stuff to deal with which soon comes out as a nice purple bruise on my ass a few days later. Explain that one to your boyfriend, oh yeah that’s right I don’t have one YAY!!!! I love being an independent free spirit again, and I’m realising this so much more everyday.

I catch my loaded tin boat to the next island in the furthest northern island Nacula to Oarsmans lodge, which is set on a stunning pristine beach. There is singing on the beach from the staff welcoming you in Fijian as the boat steers its way through the coral. You couldn’t find a more idyllic location to wile away your time if you tried. My eyes sting with the electric blueness of the water. This island has a dramatic elevation with a summit of around 600 meters, the white sandy beaches and dramatic monoliths surrounded by crystal clear lagoons and hammocks swaying in the trees. Heaven!

There is no-one else staying in the 20 bed dorm yay! I end up staying in paradise for 3 nights and 4 days, spending my mornings hiking up the summit in the darkness before dawn to watch the sunrise that opens up across the mountains like a door of light opening slowly, my fear of spiders is tested walking through facefulls of cobwebs, but I’m simply calmer these days and it feels good to enjoy being alone. I swim in the ocean, reading and yoga practice, evenings spent watching the sunsets, it’s the way to live, ‘by the rise and fall of the sungod!’ Before bed, my supper walk with my good ol’ cuppa down the beach to star gaze looking at my solo footsteps in the sand on the deserted beach illuminated by the moon. Pure shores indeed. Its hot and sticky under my mozzie net, and I’m slowly being eaten alive buts it’s a small price to pay for paradise, and a good daily sand exfoliation seems to be working well, and feels great! 37 bites and counting… 6 on my ass URGH! Attractive! Scratch them anyone?

Food is traditional Fijian fresh fruits, coconuts, fish and yams served in banana leaves, cava, pineapple cake and pancakes! I take a trip to some underwater caves with some cute Italian girls I meet. The cave is a huge cavern with amazing features such as stalagmites and stalactites, clear soft waters, eels cruise the bottom of the cave waters and as I dive under for a closer look I spot the dark underwater tunnels that lead the way to the darker caves. This cave has a hole in the top so lots of light pours through and its magical. Cave 2 is pitch black and our guide is still wearing his tropical shirt and shouting instructions about when he taps you on the head you swim under the water through the dark tunnel until you feel someone else tap you on your head at the other side as you won’t be able to see as it’s so dark??? But its ok as the person on the other side of the tunnel in the dark cave has a torch.

I make a decision to not put myself through this sketchy ordeal, I just don’t see the point, we can’t see anything on the other side so why are we doing it? Is it a muscle thing? Its not for me, I’ve seen 127 hours and I don’t fancy cutting my own arm off underwater because mister Hawaiian forgot to tap my head in the dark and I ended up swimming into a sharks mouth. On the way back we call into the local village on the other side of the island, and our guide takes us to meet his mum and his new baby in their Fijian homes made of tin and bale. Everyone is so friendly and welcome me into their huts and I get to touch a new born baby sleeping under his mozzie net taking his siesta. We drop into the local hospital hut and I’m given some much welcomed Chamomile lotion for my mozzie bites for free and some advice on how to stop them biting…eat Veggiemite??? Anything with vitamin B in your system gives you a shield against the pesky biters. My Italian family emigrated to Vancouver a few years ago, so I’m enjoying hanging out with them and hearing their visa advice and getting myself more contacts. Their kids are sporty, polite and clever pretty girls and my feelings are further secured knowing that Canada brings out the best in people. I make friends with a cute Norwegian family who have a young baby, and they have been travelling around Oz with her and they are relaxed and happy. Justine is a beautiful mother who has still remained cool, hip and young. I like her a lot, I like the idea of her happiness. Matt her husband also has a dream of sailing around the world with their kids, and it makes me wonder, why not??? Stay focused!

The zebra skin fish skim the shallow waters begging for scraps of breakfast, if you’re lucky you might even get a nibble prompt on your feet from them too. I spend a day reef hopping with the Italians, snorkeling the reefs out to sea diving down to stroke the coral, or touch the anemone which flows with the current but the second you touch it, it pulls back so quickly into the rock. How amazing that all of this life is down here in its own world under the ocean. So many colourful fish, purples, reds, yellow, striped, spikey, violet jellyfish, soft sponges, so many things to touch and dive to the ocean bed to get a better look at. It may be time to try scuba diving again, ever since the last dive in Croatia I’ve wanted to get my PADI. The young Italian girls have theirs already of course! I foolishly burn my back badly swimming all day and sleep off the sunburn haze, before heading out for a cocktail cruise with Issy the resort host and the skipper who sing whilst the sea swallows the sun and the cool breeze blows away my sunburn misery and I feel so amazing right now! I babysit for the Norwegians so they can take a beach walk and enjoy the stars together, its just baby monitor watch so I listen to the men of the village who sit with the chief and sing their Fijian songs about love and drink cava into the early hours, as the waves lap the sand. They still sing as I lie in bed and feel the most peaceful I have ever been for a long time, I’m eventually sung to sleep.

My final sunrise walk up the summit with Justine and we talk travel and babies, why am I so interested in these two things together? She urges me to stay at the lodge longer with them, and its tempting but its time to move on, there is more paradise to see. The staff sing a goodbye lullaby to Michelle as I board the tin boat to take me out to my final destination Kuata Natural huts on Kuata island.

The environment changes a little and the waters become greener and the hillsides more lush but with some crumbling elevations with hollowed out holes resembling skulls. The beach is littered with Fijian children swimming and playing and it looks so friendly and I want to learn more about the people. Fiji offers a diverse cultural experience with the Fijian and Indo-Fijian people, their food, their outlook and differing lifestyles. Kuata like the other islands is nestled along a white sandy beach with dozens of coconuts bobbing in the shallow waters. It features magnificent tall peaks with some amazing rock formations, and summit hikes through the bush giving spectacular views at the top of the other islands. As I’ve been doing yoga everyday I decide to write it on the activities board and see what happens…

Sunrise Beach Yoga 6am.

Sure enough the next 2 mornings I have 2 young Swedish girls who are dancers, a girl from Finland born in Helsinki called Cinny, and a girl from London never done yoga. I take an hours beautiful class on the beach as the sun rises. I love seeing how others can enjoy this with me and see how they try and see how they improve with help and suggestions from me. I even manage to pull off some spiritualization mood setting, and attempt to talk their minds into feeling good about themselves and their bodies. It seems to work, the girls loved it and we all go for a swim after. My first class as a Yoga teacher on a Fijian beach, it feels wonderful to give like this!

Its mummys birthday today and there is zero cyber here to get in touch with her, my phone doesn’t work and no internet leaves me desperate so I find a local with a working phone and stuff some dollars in her hand for the use and manage to leave some messages on her voicemail. Imiss her so much, wish I could’ve spoken to her. I hope she feels my love from across the seas… Without her, I wouldn’t be here and I cherish the day she was born. A true Piscean, I will always be with you mummy.

I opt to challenge my fear and take a shark swim tour out on the reef with Cinny. As soon as we drop into the water with our mask and fins I immediately see a white tip reef shark cruise underneath my flippers. I struggle at first to control the irrationalism and think quickly to concentrate on my breath. Think like a yogi. Just breathe. Keep breathing.
The guide spears a fish underwater as we watch through our masks, and starts to shred the fish immediately attracting the attention of dozens of pretty reef fish, which then attracts more sharks. I look underwater at the group splash about on top of the water, legs and arms flailing everywhere as they try to move legs and splash the surface with their hands. I decide to be completely still, and vertical under the water rather than horizontal on top splashing about like a seal waiting to be eaten. I breathe calmly and slowly as I slowly circle my hands carefully to keep me in position. A shark swims towards me. STAY CALM. I remain completely still as the shark gets closer moving side to side and now underneath me, the shark swims almost up my flipper and leg and I move every so slightly and he swims away quickly. I watch the three sharks swim underneath the splashing group, their movements becoming more and more jerkier and I know that this is the beginning of an attack mode, I watch David Attenborough! Cinny and I separate from the splashing group and we both look out for each other and stay still vertical in the water, breathing calmly. Its surreal, have I used up all my fear?? This is a predator that I have feared my whole life yet I am strangely calm. A violet jellyfish expands and collapses through the water next to us and we watch as its tentacles float along so gracefully in the water. The guide indicates for us to get back in the boat and hoists us in by kindly putting his hand right UNDERNEATH your bum cheeks and gooch area and pushes you in. Thanks! He is the biggest shark here clearly. Where is his spear so I can harpoon the pervert. Cinny and I take a seat in the best movie house in the world, the beach for the distant thunderstorm shows across the islands each night. The sky lights up with electric cracks zig zagged across the sky and clouds suddenly illuminate as the heavens start singing. I could sit here all night and watch this show, no camera flashes just my eyes and my soul to light please.

My last day on Kuata I take a trip to Wayalailai Island to go to Sundays Fijian Church Service. The missionarys got her years ago and clearly did their good Christian work. The children sing and sing and sing, they are so beautiful, all big eyes staring at the tourists in their church. Giggling, pointing, curiously walking over, and then in the distant I hear it. Faint song that sounds like angels, and its getting closer and closer but it takes easily 30 minutes to reach the church. The Fijian women have walked through the village slowly and softly singing praise, no church bells required, this is the way its done. The pastor welcomes us all and gives his service mainly in Fijian, but clearly says in English

‘For those of you here today because you think you are a tourist, think again, you are here because something inside you called you here’

Free cake?? How did they know what I was thinking?? I smile and wonder anyhow 
The service is filled with song from the men and women, tenors and octaves, children and adult, I close my eyes and the let my Fijian fan given to me by Monica waft away the doubts and enjoy the music and the quiet space in my head. That afternoon I spend playing with the kids teaching them English nursery songs which I write down for them, they are fascinated by my hair. I keep feeling small hands accidentally touch my skin or stroke my hair, their big brown eyes and tight short afro’s completely different to me. They are so curious, and so loving to be around. I trade my English songs for a hairbrush and let them loose to pull and tie and bow and brush my hair until my scalp aches and I look like an audition for a Madonna circa 80’s video. I adore these kids! When I leave the following day a mum comes to the beach with my two favourite little adopted girls Litia and Mary and they have written me a note and they sing me a song and wave me goodbyes with big sad wet eyes. Its heartbreakingly cute, I later send them some skipping ropes, and school stuff with new nursery rhymes for them to practice. I hope they get them ok and remember their Aunty Chelle with the tatty hair.

My final boat ride through some rainbows and rain back to mainland Nadi, and I meet a hot blooded Spaniard who starts chatting to me. He’s another doctor who only delivers babies, lives in Madrid and is taking a break from life. He’s 44, and looks a bit like a Spanish Will, talks with his eyes and hands passionately and very animated. We grab some food, and chat, I sense that he is thinking more than chat so make a quick escape to bed. We are both on the same flight back to NZ, so agree to share a ride and hang out at the airport. He’s another gent, holding bags and being charming and very Spanish, but I just don’t feel the vibe. Hmmmm I wonder if this is Viking induced or just not into him anyway. He’s very handsome so it must be the Viking thoughts…. This isn’t good for my free spirit!
After the flight the Spaniard, pulls me to one side with his bulging eyes (and bulging pants no doubt)

‘Meeshell I must saya this you! You are most beautiful person I meet, inside and out. I love you!’
UH OH….HERE WE GO AGAIN????
‘I’m grown man, and you grown woman. If I donta says this to you, I know I regret forever and I leave tomorrow so I just say this. I want spend night with you, I want more of you, I think you gorgeous so why donta we enjoya your beautiful body!’
A crowd has gathered around us I know it, my face is burning red, I know people are listening, looking at the bulging eyes and the arms waving about. He may aswell start making humping movements with his hips towards me he is that animated. I play dumb… ‘what do you mean?’…. shit why did I say that, he will almost definitely do the humping action now.
‘I meana Meeshell my wonderfullest woman that you and me, we a spend a night together, in a bed you know this, you know like man and woman’ His eyes are literally hanging out of his handsome face now.
I play dumber… ’with our clothes on or clothes off?’
The hot blooded Spaniard laughs ‘you can do what you want Meeshell you grown woman!’

I ponder this for a second whilst my book title ‘International Whore’ flashes through my head. Yes I can do what I want, he is right. But. Here’s the thing. I don’t want to. It’s not even because in scouse language he has basically just said ‘Fancy a shag gorgeous?’. I mean I bet a hundred girls would have gone with the handsome Spanish rich older Doctor to a nice hotel and had a good time, but I’ve just got other things on my mind. ME. I don’t need a man, and I don’t actually fancy a shag. So that about sums it up really. I let him down gently.

‘No’

Swing my rucksack on my newly tanned beautiful bod, and get on my bus to my next hostel, leaving one big smiling Spanish hunk shaking his head and waving as I drive away with my head held high thinking of the real book title. Determination of a HungryMoose.

I feel excited to be back in New Zealand JENNY GETS HERE IN 24 HOURS!!!!! We text each other frantically as she boards her plane and I spend a rainy day at the hostel researching and catching up on the cyber world. Its DDAY, I pick up our ‘Wicked’ Campervan, and get supplies for the road. My phone bleeps at the checkout TOUCHDOWN! Whhhhhhhhaaattttt??? She’s an hour early isn’t she??? I’ve been counting down the clock for 3 months and now that she is here, my relaxed new laid back self forgot to change my Fijian time back an hour, and I’m late to the airport. Where is she??? I frantically scan the seats and the doors, and then…bopping through the crowd with her backpack bobbing up and down with her, there she is, my little twizza, scuzza, wife and bum popper Jens  She is really here HORAAYYY! I’m a little overwhelmed and eye watery, but it feels so unusually calm and normal as we hold hands back to the campervan and head out to Timaru and the farm. I pick up a hitchhiker (good karma) who I tell I can’t talk to as me and Jens have too much to catch up on, but he’s just happy to get a lift to Timaru with us, another German! Jens and I feel like we’ve never been apart, its so natural to be around her again and we both slip into each others habits with ease like before and I feel complete.

We dump the hitcher in town, and he’s squashed my sunflowers! Karma my arse. At the home Jen’s suprises Aunty Monica and Ken with hugs and kisses until her jetslag ways force her tired little legs back to the farm for some snuffled sleep induced by Tango the cat and his insistence on rubbing his cat hairs all over her cat allergy. I get the ear plugs in (that’s Josh, Fifi and Daisy who have all snored or ‘breathed’ and kept me awake, whats going on?) and am grateful to have her snuffles and all. The next few days are spent jetslag recovering and hanging out with Monica and Ken at our favourite hang outs. ‘The Shearers Quarters’ for some homecooked food, cakes, crafts and feeding those hairy pigs outside! Monicas got no fear and her childhood farmdays spring to action as she almost puts her full hand in the hungry slobbery snouts. The drive home over the train tracks, and a sudden spot of a train last minute, leaves me with a question still to this day ‘If I had gone for it, would I have made it?’. There are so many train crossings in NZ, all mostly without barriers and hardly any with warning, so it’s a must to remember to look both ways before crossing. That day I almost didn’t look, and then I just didn’t expect a train to be so close it TOOTED me a warning. Sweaty. Hot. Back. Pins and Needles. Hands.

Jens and I do some cow herding leaving Ians good faith in us to get the cattle out by ourselves and down the drive, across 3 gated fields and into the grazing paddock. Oh yes, experienced farm girls now (next time we might even do it without getting cowshit all over our jeans too) A day at the farm for the folks and we hang out in the comforts of the cottage overlooking the mountains. I love this place!!! We cook dinner and tea for the folks, look at the deer, swing in the outdoor hammock, look at the cattle, relax, dance and sing and Monica folds Ians clean undies?? She’s a hardcase alright! Ken is the happiest he has been since I got here in January and I know it’s the Jenny effect, or even the Jenny and Chelle effect. Positive people attracts positive people. Hilary and Les come to the cottage, after we arranged a surprise visit for Mon and Ken and they are so happy to see them and chat and eat more wonderful dips and cheeses. Hilary has made us a hamper from her garden of fresh veggies, and homecooked cookies. More retreat ideas, is it really so easy to be self sufficient?? I love this! I fear for entering a food coma, too much food and no exercise for ages now I need to be more disciplined. Oh go on then just one more piece of mine and Jennys homemade banana and cinnamon raisin bread.

Last day with the folks has to be spent in the Ophihi Vineyard, the sun shines and its packed out with happy people, birthday celebrations and kids playing in the grass. It’s a perfect venue for smiles and delicious wines, Jens and I dream of sleepy wine days in the sunshine with bread and dips and no cares in the world. We eat like Kings again, and have printed all the photos of our time together since January to add to their collection of our past visits, which we write in their book so Ken can remember. Its sad to say our goodbyes again, but there is no point saying we wont be back as everytime those words come out of my mouth I seem to be back here 12 months later…for 3 years now! The last night on the farm we sleep in the cottage as Ian entertains his gorgeous lady, no spying allowed, we have been warned!

The Campervan adventure begins… after our goodbyes and a 90% chance we’ll be back the day before we fly out, we head to Lake Wanaka to hike up Roys Peak which is around 2000 metres with views across the lake. Jens still has some jetlag snuffles and cat allergy sniffles which have restricted her breathing a little, so when we separate on the mountain and thennnnnn get blasted by a storm, I hear a faint whistle in the distance and am told by her later that it was her safety whistle to me as she was getting bashed in the storm on the mountain. We meet back up after I make it to the top and head back for dry lands at the bottom. Bambi is limping, she got blasted by the storm, couldn’t see, went over on her ankle, is soaked, snuffled and fed up.

‘If I had a dad, he’d be Jeremy Clarkson!’

That’s the spirit Jens ha! Gotta love her randomness We dry off in the van and sleep off the shivers around the lake after a hot chocolate. The groovey cinema with the beetle car is showing ‘Fighter’ with Mark Wahlburg PPPHHHWWOOOAARRRRRR, a must see for some interesting family dynamics, eye candy and a good right hook. We melt into the cinemas old school armchairs and warmth with a baileys latte. Can we sleep here?? Kicked out after midnight and we head to the doc campsite, with tired eyes and guesses at roads we head down a dark dirt track signed Holiday Park.

‘Do you think they just put a fake sign up?’

Too many horror films Jens, but your random quotes are getting better. I think this should be the new direction for this part of the blog. Jens quote of the day! We make it to our camp site and try and fit our cold bodies into the cheap sleeping bags that only reach our boobs. Nice one. The morning rewards the cold night and we wake and see that we have a rushing creek river blue next to us, and through the forest trees the sun rises just enough to thaw our souls and we watch the low morning mist start to move across the valley. This is exactly how New Zealand should be travelled, exactly!!! Something about having your own little stove and making a cuppa next to the river from your van that feels so satisfyingly fantastic. Time to move on, we have a tight schedule to keep, and so we head to Moke Lake in Queenstown, after being introduced to how spectacular it was by the Viking. The sun pelts down and we lavish in a 6hr hike across both Lakes and up the summit and back again. Time passes so quickly as we yap about life and catch up on whats been missed and where we both feel like life is taking us. Its good to get support on my Canada decision and we mountain goat through the grass and trees and enjoy life!

We opt out of the planned lake swim to get clean and instead fall asleep in the van stinky to avoid being eaten by sandflies. We wake around 9pm to meet our camping neighbours some friendly Dutch boys who had run their car off the road leaving it to be hauled sideways off the hill. Stay Alive, don’t Drink and Drive. An early dart to Fox Glacier on the west coast, and Jens is starting to feel worse with loss of appetite. We cancel our glacier hike after taking a peek at the glacier (which does look so amazing) and find a medical centre and poor Jens gets diagnosed with a chest infection and walks away with 2 different types of inhalers, steroids and anti biotics  I take a killer 10 hour drive and get us to Reefton on the west coast, and we camp at a beautiful doc called ‘Slab Hut Creek’ site next to a stream which I venture a body wash in, before Jens and I entertain each other fire dancing with our incense sticks. We gawp at the stars and play with the sticks until they burn out over a horlicks and some much needed laughs.

We get to Motuake in great time and sort out our Abel Tasman track, food, washing, errands and treat ourselves to a night in the hostel and dinner with Trudy in the Gothic church YAY! The waitress isn’t keen on our multi order or everything since everything shuts in these towns by 9pm…groan. But we smile anyway and order the desert, we need the carbs for the trek! Trudy takes us to her mums to showcase her skydive debut on film and I’m left wanting to have the same rush…there is time yet…Jens??? Our walk back to the hostel proves we are still in sync as we both give each other a warning look about the boys in the van with the open door. Then the hoodies, then the friend around the corner, its too much for our couple of vinos to handle and we giggle safely back to the hostel for a cuppa before bed and sunshine prayers for the trek.

We give our Finnish and Spanish dormates a ride to the park, and catch our boat to Mutton Cove which is at the very top of Abel Tasman. The skipper makes some drops along the way and a poor girl mis judges the waves and step and lands on her face, boots, clothes, pack and all, wet and she hasn’t even started the trek. Is it wrong to giggle just a little? I am trying! The weather is perfect and my legs feel fresh after a couple days break from hiking and I can’t wait to get started.




Don't forget to post a comment at the bottom if you have enjoyed or have any advice! Thanks x

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Comments

[Trudi Blakemore]

*^%%$*&
Your Farkin hilarious girl! It was a highlight to meet you this week! Hope that robust heart of yours is sparkling like a firework! Keep smiling and see you soon in Nelson!

[Jenbob Wifepants]

Wowza....
Great blog, you write so well... Feels different though, like your someone else - happy - on a mission- I hope bum popping is still allowed - it is organic :) I can't wait to get there!!!! Not long now possum!!!! Urrrghhhh to Brian's disgusting comment - YUK! Camper van please.. I'd rather have my breakfast in the safety of knowing the words 'juicy fanny' will not be spoken. Who's that now? Working on Hobbit film? Hello.. Did I read that right? I think you Miss Healer should heal my destiny to be an extra dancing around that huge tree, I'll be an Ork, I'll be a tree.. Put the word in wife - it's either that or I am going to hijack a plane and parachute onto the set dressed as a dragon raaaaahhhhh! Glad your having a great time and being inspired, meeting great and interesting people. Forget Will and just think about YOU. Your family and friends are a flight away! Love you xxxxxx

[Auntie Karen]

3rd time lucky
Hi chelle just read your blog and very impressed glad you are enjoying your travels and brings back a lot of lovely memories of the time I spent in NZ some day I will get back there hopefully. I am Mum's for the weekend, Josh here as well and cooked a lovely tagatella(pasta) don't comment if spelt wrong - it's my age.. Have a laugh on me - last weekend i was at Karen's and on the way home had travel problems, but landed at the central station for my train to S'port and guess what I landed up SITTING down on the scaletor silly old woman pulled my trolley on to the stairway and it stuck causing me to loose balance and fortunately' ( I hope you are like me and need to check spelling????? enough said) lots of love and hugs be in touch again soon xxxxx

[Bungy Bill]

wherefore art thou Romeo?
I hope it is easy for you translate all this stuff to a book sometime!!

[Renae]

Welcome to the Southern Hem'
Welcome to "downunder"(ish) I'm readin wit much anticipation as to where this place of ur's will b found I've felt inspired by ur tales n hope 1 day I can visit, u can teach me to chill n hopefully I could enjoy a yoga love. Reading thru has made me think of returning to the US (or poss UK) for a wee bit next yr n work on a "fat camp"(has it a better term) Will keep u posted on trip planning Hey I'm Lookin 4 a travel buddy 2 japan maybe later in the yr if ur Lookin for a contrast from the sweeping hills........?

[Polly]

Eyes wide open
Just amazing couldn't stop reading it's inspiring, warm, funny and real Love it take care angel and be safe Love Pol xxx

[Jenbob-missyoupants]

Tease!
Jeeeeeez why am I not there?? Isn't it against the rules for you to be NZ without me?? Seems like you've been having great time... Glad you have been getting "looked after" hahaha.. Ello canuck! Seriously can't wait to get there and share all this with you! As always, your photos are amazing and I'm really enjoying your tales :) Roll on March baby!

[Mum]

Cosmic
Hey my lovely little traveller, Tell me more about the cosmic, holistic lady? Can see why she couldn't take her eyes off your beautiful face! Would like to know more... email me. Loving this blog, makes me feel I would like to go to NZ one day even if its not where you finally settle, missing my Chelles xxx

[Eira Curly Tots]

Hey my sister is on Lithium and its the only thing that stopped her killing herself literally ! Bipolar is horrible but it would be far worse without the Lithim I am right with you on the loonies spreading lies that medicine dosent work - wait until they have a family member going through hell !

[Eira aka Curly Tots]

Chelle what a time your having I have been stuck on the weekly train back up from London and for once instead of being bored shitless I have had a wonderful time catching up with you and reading your blog. I would never have the guts to go it alone and vist all the places you have... You truly are a social butterfly ... mixing with all the freaks or really interesting (cute) or just slightly abnormal people what an experince x Missing you x x Taking you bezzie to get her feet eaten by pirahnas - well not quite got a fish Pedicure so Tracy and Vicky and Sue and I are going to town one saturday to give it a go ... not quite on the same level as your adventures around the world but a little experience and adventure for the afternoon for me ! TTFN Lots of love Eira

[J]

Cosmic my bleached arse!
Re above comment - She was probably staring at yer gammy tooth!

[Mummy]

Stars
Loving the blog, the wat you write is just the way you are! Funny, thoughtful, inspiring! Love you my Chelles xxx ps. As for the blood group thingy.... of course I always knew you were mine, just wondered how? hahahahaa!

[Karen EDnglish]

Started reading i this morning but had to go out to muck out the horses..Rushed home at 1 pm and have finished reading it. Loving the blog just keep em coming x

[Aunty Karen]

Hi from Southport, where r u ?
Hi Chelle, Karen has copied your blog for me so will read on train back to scotty land 29th til 21st april. Seeing Mum monday hopefully and catch up with you when u get back, whenever that is. Received the bag pressy from Greymouth posted 24 feb, Continue to have a lovely time, lots of love Aunty Karen, Karen Colin, Lauren & new addition Ripley - female black Lab. Lauren passed her 11+ exam & starts september West Kirby Grammar, all pleased as punch. Take Care - xxx

[Ntrd]

Travelling nomad!!!
hello Michelle!read your blog!sounds fantastic,eye opening,all those places and different cultures!!hope you well and keeping safe Ntrd x

[Renae]

: )
Hey Hon, Hope you are keeping well. I have made it to the end of your adventures so thinking that more should be uploaded soon! Do you remember Nicola and Mike from our day trip? Well they are in Oz and en route to Coffs harbour sometime soon. I am looking forward to hosting them. MAybe some kangaroo on the BBQ and Pavlova for deserts. I am about to sign another 12 mth lease on the place i am renting but in 12mths time tihnking of heading back to nth america to do a "fat camp" haven't told my boss but this is what i am thinking at this stage. I want to see the deep south of the states. + if u have something established by then would be keen to pop via Canada. I totally understand your "Candada calling" thing. So Viking sounding interesting..........hehehe BTW not sure if i said this before or not but i totally didn't realise how much older you are than me. I love the way people post high school can click despite age differences (BTW i'm not implying your OLD just that you are older than me) I love the way you write. I get deep into your thoughts and situations and really do enjoy your blogs. Please keep them coming as its the closest thing i read to a novel (my attention span is much too short) So, good move in saying no to Japan. I would still love to go but i feel at the moment its probably not good to get my hopes up. I would go if it were just the natural disasater risk but those humans and there nuclear power.....thats not great! I'm off to balifor 2 wks in 6 wks time. Have friend getting married so my olds are tagging along. Should b good as also have a few other friends going to be there at the same time. Had better finish my ramble. Ramble aka as wine speaking but i'm sure you appreciate the same! enjoy, much love oxoxo

[Prats]

sweet as !!
ur pics and blogs seem to be nice.. i just came across it while working on a farmstay project of mine, this is my id : [e-mail]