The US of A

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Please read the Canada journal before moving onto USA, it makes more sense 😊

For those who are not familiar with the rollercoaster that led me to the other side of the world, it all began a long long time ago... Or rather last December I gave up my job in Games Development of 13yrs and decided to travel the world in the search of a perfect location to start my own Retreat. The Retreat will be holistic and eco friendly, growing organic foods, homecooked meals, yoga, trekking, cycling, kayakking, reading, arts, hot tubs, mountains, coast, fire pits, friends, relaxation and release your inner hippy! I was approached by Relocation Relocation to film my journey, and so I left work thinking I was about to sail off into the sunset....WRONG....

I did get to visit New Zealand, Oz, Barbados, Italy but then my world fell apart... My bro was sick, I came home from Italy, I had an awful dentist operation, I fell climbing and broke BOTH arms, tore ligaments in my foot, couldnt move for 8 weeks, TV filming was cancelled, my boyfriend and I split up, my dad was sectioned, I was in and out of hospital 5 times a week for physio or visiting dad in looney house, I fully submerged into self pity and took up smoking at full speed. My plight for the Retreat was put on hold... I couldn't do any of my sports, yoga, running. Most of all...I was heartbroken...
Ok Violins away...My bro got better! My limbs are 'slowly' healing, the TV show said they will look at it again once I decide on the country, I rented my place out, nailed my business plan, I remembered how independant I am, and most of all I am DETERMINED. Its all about the location baby!! Thanks to amazing friends and family who got me through that tough time, you have to reach rock bottom before you can get to the top right???

Seattle

The train from Vancouver to Seattle takes around 4.5 hours and as the light breaks through, is truely beautiful. The tracks run alongside the coastline the whole way giving the train prime vantage viewing at the ocean and Pugent Sound glory. What a brilliant intervention to have the train run along the coast, kind of feels like the Pacific coast highway 101. The train stops on the border and Customs get on to check passports and interrogate. It feels weird, we're on a train for pete's sake! I score points with customs, and apparently, I'm charming! In the nice way of course, not the sarky usual Liverpool way I am. My hostel is in Belltown , downtown Seattle and the room isnt exterminated yet, or whatever they do, so I navigate the buses an hour away to Sammamish, where Dee and Nick Wiswell (from Bizarre) now live. Well I got close! Can you really determine the friendliness of a city by the niceness of the bus drivers? I feel like a rug just got tugged from underneath me, I was still in the happy place of Vancouver smiley land, not on this bus little lady, you aint in kansus now Dorothy!
Nick comes and picks me up from a coffee shop I hunted down for the London Fog of course, out FOREVER with the fags as from the Halloween party, and in with full on Fogs. Fogs for Fags! The guy fools me and suggests I try a London Mog, a hyberbreed from the Fog and its made with eggnog, there was too many 'ogs' in that sentence to keep up. YES! Im down for the experiment, hit me up. Not good, very disappointed, Ill just stick to the Fogs and stop getting excited, it made me trap my hand in the bog door too.

Back to Nick and his Mustang, looking gooooood! Their place is amazing, HUGE 4 bed, triple garaged, 1 acre in the woods overlooking a lake. Not bad hey!!! The whole family seem really happy, and its great to have some familiar faces to talk about stuff we all know! Nick takes the boys trick or treating, and Dee and I settle in with vino waiting for the door to know with the monsters. Good food, good company, thanks guys! Hope I get an invite back???

Its raining so bad the next day I opt for some sleep catch up along with skypes to twizbombs LOVED that. I wander through the streets of downtown and feel a little intimidated by the volume of bums and crazies on the streets. There is a shelter quite close to the hostel but still, they seem to be everywhere, all with a weird gimp limp?? In fact everyone I look at now has a limp, wtf? A bum invades my personal space and spies a teeny tiny corner of a dollar sticking out my pocket and advises me to watch my money. HATE IT! I venture to Pike Markets on the harbour, its mostly indoor and filled with noise, smells, free tasters, gifts, tricks and celebs...

Im pondering with the fruit n nut lady about how many bags to buy, its $10 bucks for 4 she yells, so I agree if she lets me take some pictures of her stall, as this is all happening, a tall guy is next to me picking up the same stuff I had and as I look up its a familiar face...I know this face...HEYYYYY! I seem to stand there with my voice ringing in my ears and an insane grin on my face as I pull my massive tourist camera out. Its Will Ferrell, and although he smiles (nervously) he avoids the picture, IT WAS FOR THE STALL!!! And his entourage glare, as I try and look casual. God I wish I was cooler... The fishmongers jump on my vunerability and start feeding me smoked salmon and before you know it Ive bought a 3lb-er to try my best to mingle and not think about being a stalker. OK breathe, hes just a bloody human for gods sake! I rummage around the stalls and pick up some wine for kiki (she'll have to have the fish aswell), and take every free taster thats offered, liquorice sticks, green cheese, apple crusts, gimme gimme gimme! The place is buzzing, even in the rain. I pick up a vintage 1965 Playboy mag for a friends birthday and head back to hostel HQ and meet the fab Kiki Wolfykillerwheels! I used to work (and had many a boozey night) with Kiki with the Microsoft team, and its really good to see her and Dylan and catch up, and get the juice on the darker swinging sides to Seattle. Again, Im treated to a fab dinner, good company, and lots of dog patting, oh and was 'forced' to have an after dinner fag 😊 Hated it though, got all dizzy and could only focus on the MASSIVE spider that seemed to be floating mid air...ready...waiting. Kiki and Dylan live in a lush, green part of town and its nice to be away from downtown. I hope that I get to see Kiki again, love her company, maybe I can persuade Brian to make a trip...

Never give up giving up smoking.

Kiki loans me her hubby for the next day, and Dylan introduces me to REI http://www.rei.com/ and I completely geek out checking all the outdoor gear, its all research for my Retreat. Find myself looking at the Vibram 5fingers and think of Will for a moment, then see the HUGE indoor climbing wall and think of Karma...We head to Fremont to check out the shops and meet the sister in law who has a cool clothing line, interested in All Saints and she is nice to chat with, although after trodding on her cute dog I think she will definately hate me forever. SORRY 😞

Dylan and Kiki had directed me to check out the hikes in Discovery Park, so I say my goodbyes and head out on the bus to the park, meeting a chap from north carolina along the way who tells me he lives in the Phillipines with his wife and that he came here for a job on the salmon boats. I tell him about Shuswap lake and the colours and beauty, and relax...is this because Im talking about Canada. I get a shiver of excitement, it could be. The park is HUGE and really really colourful, fall is all around and the paths are littered with oranges, reds, yellows and the sky is fresh and blue. I pick up the hike around the coastline to North Beach and its nice to have my thoughts to myself again. The trail is pretty empty and I soon find myself on the beach alone gazing to the mountains, possibly with the same insane grin I gave Ferrell, and take my time, not caring about my boots getting wet and sandy, small stuff just doesnt seem to matter...
On my hike back, I pass a young couple, nothing out of the ordinary and they dont speak as I walk past. Then when I get to my bus stop almost, they pull up alongside me in a car 'Wanna lift??'....I think to the non existent bus driver niceness, I decline and thank them, they seem ok and not weird when I say no, maybe they were just nice people, but how did they know where I was going? Always keep your wits about you, never be seduced by an environment.

I eat dinner next to my hostel, a quirky warehouse with bar service food, MMmmmmm salad and Gnocci with grilled cheese I LOVEEE CHHHEEEEESSSSSSEEEEEE! A Korean/Canadian sits next to me and immediately starts chatting to my tits. I mean they are not out, and they are certainly not massive, but nonetheless, he makes no excuses for chatting straight to them. Turns out he's a Federal Agent, we'll call him Smith. His card is filed under B for bin. Smith tells my tits that he works in Education and hes recently moved to Seattle but commutes to Vancouver every weekend, there goes that shiver again. Smith suggests that he and my tits go for drink, but they gracefully decline, take his card and leggit.
I head to a Kate Nash gig in town, looking forward to a beer, dance and maybe meet some Brits?
Doorman: No ID love? Errr no, Im 35. Sorry no alcohol stamp, and did you just take a pic with that camera, Er no, why? No cameras allowed, we'll look after it for you. Great! The crowd are lifeless and sober, an odd infrequent toe tap here and there but thats all. To be fair Nash was like a demonic feminist preacher, who was, you know, 'right on!' Got a bit fed up with her screaming, and so opted to get home before the bums took over the dark streets.

Oregon

My train to Portland leaves at 11am, so after a quick bust up with the postal service, I think they must be same crowd as bus drivers and refuse to be nice or helpful, I mean they dont get tips so why should they give a shit? The train is a good opportunity to catch up on Microserfs and with its many 'Bill' references its a page turning smiler and makes me think of the boys back at Bizarre and their quirky habits and dry humour and creative personalities. Miss the geeks man!
It takes 4 hours to Portland Oregon, and I head into town and hire myself a snazzy SUV Jeep, its the only bloody car they have anyway. The clerks assisstant ends up giving me an impromoto tour of downtown, he's an older chap and from Hawaii and he is so cute and curious about me, we chat and shop for a GPS (he gets me $70 off??) then head to internet cafe and we part ways, I give him the eygptian dance tip and he refuses and its a bit awkward since I thought Id nailed the art of discret tipping but it works out in the end. I Fog it and try and find a place to sleep, hhmmmm hostels all booked out. Shit. Im viewing a Property tomorrow in Southern Oregon so opt to drive there tonight, I call a motel and its 6 hours away and its 6pm now...hmmm. Shit. Ok no problem, I'll barter with the posh hotel on the harbour and treat myself. It works and I luxury it up with a big bubble bath and room service and quiet and books and nail varnish and...EEEEEEEEEEEE is that a big black tidal mark from ME in the bath! Jesus is that what a months worth of hostel quick scaredy communal showers do to you!

Start the day with a run down the harbours front and the grass is littered with hundreds of geese, they just graze and peck each other and ignore me as I run through hoping for the pigeon flight effect. They simply ignore me. Sun shines again, horay and I bear grylls it down the front hurdling the small posts and trying to run flights of steps, got to get these limbs back in order man! After a good hour of remembering how I would make fun of Will for jumping on walls, posts, wood, benches, old men sleeping, I head back through the geese willing them to fly up in their flock...SLAM...SKID....CRUNCH. Clubfoot keels over on the downward hill and I fall forward hands first and land on both knees and actually skid in dogshape for a little bit before stopping, dying of shame and gulping back my tears. A kind lady runs over and asks if Im OK, 'Im finnnnnnneeee, oh gosh that, it was nothing, yes Im completely fine' My leggings are ripped and full of mud and blood and my hand is bleeding and muddy, she looks at me uncertain and I sprint off pretending not to feel the sting. Back in the saftey of my room, the cry comes out and my dignity starts to repair. Sod it! Karma. I miss Canada!

Road trip to Port Orford is 6 hours drivetime away, and Im excited to see the coast and the green of Oregon Ive heard so much about. I tune into CoffeeShop Rock on the radio, its kinda like Jo Whiley in the live lounge. Ledge tunes sang acoustically by other artists, and I find that I have no voice after singing dead loud the whole way there. Isnt music, more importantly singing good for the soul! 😊 Unfortuantely my 6hr drive is blanketed by the coastal fogs...this from the experts: Well........... As the warm air over the land cools and drops over the warmer ocean water. It condenses and creates Fog! Unfortunately it always like that on the coast! Including, B.C., Washington, Oregon, California. It Isn't until the sea and air temp are more similar that the fog stops. IE, September October or Mexico. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!
I make a stop to Foulweather point, seriously thats what its called, and the yellowtoothed league of gentlemen shopkeeper explains to me that its like this for at least half of the year. Hmmmmmm....guess that takes Orgeon coastline out of the Retreat equation then. You seriously cannot see more than 20 metres ahead. I make it to my beachside motel, freaky owner gives me the creeps, his lips dont move at all when he speaks, like a puppet mouth in a monotone voice, can you see it? The room smells funny and I check the whole place for Physco holes immediately. Puppetmouth suggests the fish diner on the beach for dinner, and the swordfish is good, but I feel like Im in a horror movie! The fog has enveloped the diner and I wonder how I will navigate the rental back to Physcoville. Chill out! Jesus christ, what have we said about being irrational. Its fine, I bed down ready to view the place tomorrow, and think about visa's for Canada...

Before the viewing I check out the local town of Port Orford, local coffee shop for an earl grey and some brekki and the low down. Turns out the coffee shop dont sell much aside from turkey sandwiches and cakes, ok no problem, do you have any fruit? 'Fwwwwrrruuuuuutttt???? We don git no fwwwruuut round ere darlin'
Guess Port Orford is out of the question to live then. What place doesnt have fruit??? I mean the whole area is green and lush and ideal for farms, so why the shock horror when asking for an apple?

The house is amazing, sat above the sea level by 1000 metres, it sits in 52 arces of its own private forest which contains elk and deer, views down the coast, beach access across the road, chickens, organic vegetable greenhouse. Its just too small, it only has 3 bedrooms, with a mile of paperwork for extra builds or extensions. The fog is pretty dense too, and I just dont think it would serve the retreat well to be misted in fog for over half the year, with your local town not selling FWWWRRUUUT. Its good to see that places like this exist though, and I start thinking of extras the retreat could offer like a campsite for backpackers like me on low budgets, aswell as homestay lodgings, have nature trails for local schoolkids to come and wander around on school trips, breakfast boxes, horses, ok ok ok lets not get carried away. One step in front of the other first.

Click it or Ticket!

The drive is awesome the coast is so rugged, and its meant to rival Big Sur, but we'll see. The freaky small oregon towns have vast fast food sites like 'Pig n Pancake' how gross is that? I wind my way through the avenue of giants, the Redwood forest, the endless valleys and bridges and crossings and slowly the sky gets blue in places, as I head to my hostel in the forest. Unfortunately when I get there, its not actually there... I make a quick detour and head to Eureka, stopping at redneck central store for some supplies. Must resist the Reese.
'I LIKE PUURRPELL'
I turn to face a little old dear with a clown eyebrow painted across her head, is she talking to me really?
'Thats nice, its meant to be a relaxing colour' I reply smiling, shes only about 3 foot so Im not scared of the clown eyebrow or the randomness.
She looks at me all confused at my strange accent, and that Im actually giving her attention 'I've got a purple top on, see? And my coat is purple, look'
'And they look great' I give her a reassuring smile, and somehow get roped into trying all kinds of free cheesy dips with her at the deli counter. Its all part of the experience, got to learn about the locals!

California
I cross the border into California and get stopped by customs. Panic. What if they think my vitamins are dodge, oh my god Ive got the Valium Brian gave me, Im so getting busted.
'Miss...' Scarey border patrol glares into my car staring all around it with one eye whilst keeping the other one firmly fixed on me.
'Yes Officer?' In my perfect Joanna Lumley English accent
'You got any fwwruuutttt in here?'
I have to restrain myself from laughing dead loud and telling him you must be kidding, nobody in Oregon even sells it apparently! I thought you were after the drugs, booze and weapons I got from clown eyebrow posing to be a mad old lady. Kidding of course.

After a few 'no room at the inns' I touch lucky (kind of) at a motel and bed in for the night, tuck into Microserfs and look forward to getting stuck into California and that amazing coastline. My motel snooze is interupted by a car alarm at 3am, grrrr but its not mine so I guess I should be thankful. I head out early in the morning (forgetting my mircoserfs damnit!) and head towards Gualala past Fort Bragg. The drive is amazing and the skies are so blue and the surf is crashing up against the rocks jagged along the shore, and coating the sand in white wash. Im singing my tunes loud and clear and smiling like that crazy person again, but it feels good and I know in my head that no matter what happens, this is all an experience that I need to embrace. No pressures on finding the retreat, chosing a country, sleeping in motels, just need to let go and cherish this time that is all for me. How selfish is that?

I arrive to the place Im staying at called St Orres, a little cabin in the woods. A tiny torch is attached to my key, but Im unconcered as its daylight and the redwoods tower all around the cabin and a deck leads straight out into the depths of the forest. Its truely beautiful, nothing else around and the cabin has windows on all sides so you really feel at one with nature. Ahhhhhh relax, move onto next book 'Stones in Schools' the sequel to 3 cups of tea, Ooooo I think I'll make a cuppa tea. Hang on...my bag is wet.
Fuck.
Laptop, Camera, IPOD, Phone, Books, Chargers all soaked curtesy of Miss Michelle Langton not putting the lid on her special 'vitamin' water properly. Where do I start. Firstly, how did it come that we need all of this technology? Im not being all right on, Im just saying, I truely sometimes feel lost without my phone, email, internet. Live simply, so that others can simply live. Does that mean no phone? I tragically attempt to dry everything off, the laptop is dripping water out the side. Fuck. Secondly, just what is 'vitamin' water?? I truely am a victum of marketing. Phone, big camera, IPOD, books, chargers all dried out. Laptop and small camera screwed. Breathe, I will get it fixed and worst case senario, use internet cafes and send broken laptop home with Brother who is meeting me in San Fran on the 15th Nov, its going to be ok. No service on phone. IM STRANDED!!!!! I chill out and accept my fate, and drive down to the hotel for dinner, Im joined by Charlie the local 22yr old cat who shares the salmon quite willinglingly must to the disgust of the other guests. Yes, I will end up one of those gross old woman will a million cats who eat off her plate, maybe not, but stroking fur is really calming and Charlie is the medicine I need, all for the price of half my salmon. I head back to the cabin, but the parking lot is a little way from the unlit paths and the forest is BLACK. I mean PITCH BLACK. My heart quickens and I realise I have the mini torch and start making my way to the cabin, seriously although I like to keep my audience amused... I was frightened. Did not like this part at all. But the ironic thing is, I wasn't scared of the black bear and the cougars I was warned about I was thinking URGH Freddie Kruger!! Real life Hank!! They are all in the woods watching me, just dont look back. Eyes forward, step in front of the other, do not whatever you do look back into the terrifying pitch black. I make it inside the 360 windowed cabin and panic fluster getting all the blinds down, all 9 of them and wrapping myself tight in bed, radio and lamp on all night thank you very much. I do not need to hear anything outside whilst Im alone with zero contact from the world and Hank outside with the critters scratching at my door! I wake at 3am with a start, something just thudded on the roof!!!! Relax its fine, its raining so hard outside its probably a branch, just stay calm, grab your eyebrow pluckers and deordorant for weapons maybe? No... too scared to move out of the bed, just....hang on whats that on my arm?? A FLEA!!!! I jump out of bed and find that in fact there are a few fleas getting cosy with me EEEEEEE! I definately didnt have fleas last night so they must be in this room as a distraction from Hank outside waiting for me. I settle for the fleas and get back in bed and try my best to sleep...

I make it through the night of course, and again the world is lovely! I open all of the blinds and the rain has stopped but is still seeping through the branches dripping onto the decking and even the cowebs glisten and look beautiful. The tops of the giants tickle the clouds, and I strain my head to try and see more through the dense woods. Its beautiful, I breathe and do some natural yoga on the deck looking to the giants, and laughing about how silly I am when Im in such an amazing place. The blue skies pour through the gaps in the branches and I become one in tree pose with the giants, practicing my balance on the clubfoot 😊

I let the hotel know about the fleas, and hope that they can sort the problem. I vow to myself to be indoors before nightfall, and head into town to suss out the locals. Walt the local realtor is like a father chrsitmas in a sheriffs attire, hes dead friendly and loans me his computer and sets up a viewing for me in the next town, sending me to his friends place in Sea Ranch along the way to look at my laptop. Dr Digitals place is on the cliffs edge in the woods, its all open plan and has no side walls only floor to roof windows with a spectacular view down the coastline. Steve is a friendly guy and gives me hope that he will sort the laptop out, just to come back in the morning. As I drive away grateful, I think of how different I am in a place like this. Driving to a strange mans house, that father xmas sent me to, in the woods, leaving my expensive laptop, not caring about having fleas!!! My next viewing is an established B&B in Gualala, Sandy the owner is from England and its good to chat with her, unfortunately though Father Xmas had told me that the place wasnt too good on business and only frequented drop ins from the Hwy and that it had been sold twice in the last 8 yrs. Not a good sign. Personally I think its a great B&B, but its not Retreat potential, no mountains or direct beach access, and no land or space aside from the buildings. Sandy and I spend a few hours discussing her journey and life in general, shes going through a messy divorce and lost her dog, which is sad to hear and I hope that she sells soon and is able to continue her life in San Diego with her kids. Maybe she'll meet a toyboy and sod the husband once and for all! Maybe I'll visit her!

I head up to Elk, en route through Point Arena which has some surf and is a pretty fishing village. Unfortunately the realtor cannot show me the property so I decide to view it undercover, which works out great as the B&B has its own bar and restaurant. Im the only person in there and I chat with the local employees about me travelling looking for a new country to live in. Only this info! They cant wait to tell me what a shithole Elk is and how full of potheads the restaurant gets, and that the schools are pants and that there is nothing to do but surf but that they really wouldnt recommend living here. I think Ive found my new way to view properties! Dusk is falling and as I make the drive back along the coast, I stop in a pullout on the edge of the cliff, climb on top of my roof, and watch the sunset. Can you beat that vision? I tuck into the best tunafish salad ever as I sit on my roof in the middle of nowhere deep in northern Cali on the Hwy Coastal 1, watching the orange sky get its first stars and I dont feel scared at all anymore.

I head back to the cabin in the dark, knowing I'll be ok with the fleas for company and that Hank isnt going to get me. The fear is still there, but I keep it at bay, its all part of the ride, and something Ill have to get used to if this is the life that I crave. The cabin is cosy, and I get the zzzz's I need, looking forward to moving onto Santa Rosa in the morning. I scrub my skin raw and shake out the fleas, and head out to Steves. Hes taken all of my data from the laptop and tells me that Im on borrowed time. Eeek, it will be ok. I head to Bodega Bay, and the coast still teases my eyes from the road as so many sights pass me by. Hells angels, dogs ears flapping out of windows, convertible ferraris, cows wandering...what?? Its ok Im just driving on the edge of cliffs with massive drops, with curves that are bendier than spaghetti, but tell you what lets allow free range cows and their calves to wander on the Hwy. Lucky Im a skilled driver...Right! Must keep window down, its getting hot in this car. Im itchy too. I hope I havent brought the fleas with me. The noise of the waves crashing against the sides of the cliffs is tranquil and the skies are so clear the view up the coast is as clear as day. The hawks patrol the Hwy for the roadkill, spot roadkill, look up, you are guaranteed to see some beautiful birds squirling and hoovering waiting to feast. Its funny to think that thousands of other people like me are now travelling up this scenic coast for the first time, marvelling and stopping every 100 meteres to take a winning snap shot. Bodega Bay is where Hitchcock shot the thriller birds, I wonder if he was actually inspired by the hawk patrol? Its a quaint little town and I stretch out and take a wander before moving on again, I miss hot yoga. Time to get to a city.

Santa Rosa is laid back and hippyish, I smell the jossticks from the hwy! I head to the tourist centre, and get my discounts for Hotel La Rosa, another Hitchcock base for a horror film about a physco called Charlie It seems Im just drawn to fear and horror? The hotel is lovely, but I head out downtown and get lost in thrift shops, and soup, and daydreaming, and hot yoga, and london fogs, and people watching, and cafes, and parks, and shit its 11.30pm...where did the last 10 hours go?? I guess thats what being so free does, uncommitted uncomplicated time travel and I like it. My laptop serves me a couple of hours and dies as predicted, ah well... 😊

Hot Yoga again before breakfast, but the room is stiffling and it smells of HOT dog, its a disgusting HOT dog whiff and no-one is even flinching. I try my best to meditate and reach into that back bend just a little further, clear my mind, HOT DOG, ssshhhhhhhh, ignore it! Breathe through your nose, NO DONT IT STINKS! Determination. Focus. Soon enough the sweat has poured through my entire body and the hot dog is overpowered with my own bodily odors . I grab a London fog and leave the hotel freebie supplies on the local bum bench and get back on the road. I need to start curbing the fog intakes and the 'sugar free' muffins, reese, cakes, oat bars but I reason with myself since Im smoke free that I need to fill that hole with sugar, for now 😊 I head out to Point Reyes, the most penisular point on the west side of california and its home to a dramatic setting to a lighthouse thats some hundred steps down amongst the cliffs, sea lions bark in the distance and beyond the fog a ship bellows its own horns and the two battle it out for the stage. Its the closet to Xfactor Im going to get. Come on, I still have vices!

The road is littered with Stags and baby deer, and more hawks. I drive slower as they seem to not move and stare into my eyes, they flee when the struggle for my camera and it clicks usually as they are darting off. Getting back onto the hwy Im stopped by the police, I better hide the fruit 😊 I pray Im not getting a ticket but the friendly lieutenant just wanted to warn me that a wide load was approaching from the other direction and that I should pull over and give way . Isnt it crazy how everything is just all part of a great experience. I have to apologise if the detail is too much to bear, I just love absorbing everything that is new and different. Doesnt everyone, it doesnt have to be travel related it could be changing up how you get down on your sexytime, or a different topping on your crumpet, or the two mixed together! Ask your lover tonight how he/she likes her crumpet and serve it up!

San Fransisco

Next stop is Sausilito, thanks to Bri and our last minute planning list of where I should go over a cuppa at quarter 😊 The traffic steps up a notch, and Im strangely calm and feel ready to take it on. A short stop at a organic place and Im eager to get to my hostel at Fishermasn Wharf and sort myself out. Its time to do laundry when you start having to wear your bikinis for underwear. I head into San Fran over the outstanding and most certainly iconic Golden Gate bridge, and plan a daily run across it, wonder if thats possible? My hostel is in Fort Mason which looks out to the bridge and to Alcratraz, must book that dusk tour. Im in a 24 bed mixed dorm, but its only 8 people full. It has free wifi (laptop!!!) brekkie, parking, kitchen, movies, towels and its $20 a night. I tell you I swear by these places for value, check them out under Hostelling International. I make a plan to meet a friend I met many years ago in Bahamas who lives in the city, get laptop fixed, yadda yadda yadda! My thoughts are already planning ahead next trips and countries, and I think ahead to YOGA teaching training in India maybe, or taking a naturopathy course in Canada whilst retreat hunting.
DETERMINATION.
I cant wait to wake up in the morning and run across that bridge 😊 All feels good and my karma is warm.

NEW BLOG BATCH ADDED

The rays beat through the hostel windows, and Im ready to roll. I eat breakfast with Louis a 91 yr old Swiss guy who lives in Arizona, but is here to visit his daughter and his wifes grave. His wife died 22yrs ago, and he decided to travel the world 'I did it in 8 months, not 80 days' he tells me smiling through his proud cloudy eyes. Louis is on his way to Vegas to meet his grandaughter and her kids, he seems please to let me know that he is a great grandfather and I agree its an achievement to get there, although, I advise him, that my grandad who is also a great grandad claims that this has happened since there is nothing good on tv these days, to which Louis happily agrees 😊

Laptop situation sorted, kind of, at bestbuys and I get some good leads to the 49's football game on sunday and some cool spots to check on my first day. I head out to Mission area, and its dominated by Latinos and mexican, spanish mainly. It has a great laid back vibe, vibrant murials painted on walls,corners and shops, HUGE low riders bouncing down the street with slicked back hair mexicans smoking and hanging their arms out waiting for the people taking their time crossing the street, just mellow listening to the spanish beats blur from crackly radios and the chatter on the sidewalks. I browse up and down 24th drinking every second, feels like Beunes Aires a little but mainly because of the spanish feel and the street art. Every store is typically mexican with mish match products and hairdressers like something from the Zohan. I like it though, there is the odd yuppie bar thrown in because its obviously cool, but I spot a beauty place thats buzzing across the street and think I need some maintaining. Quick diagnositic shows
1 scabby ear
Fleas
Limp hair
Long chipped nails with scabby varnish
Scaley feet
HAIRY
Monobrow
OK so I need to sort myself out a bit since Im in a cool city, I opt for a ped & med spa and some wax. OUCH!
I skip out and treat myself to a thrift dress bargain find, and get an invite to a club from the owner, she doesnt fart at me but I have my doubts....
The hills are fun to drive up and down and Im grateful for the automatic or I would be screwed on those junctions. Head up to Twin Peaks for the best view of the city and have to catch my breath as I realise how big and far away it looks. The city where anything goes, come to reinvent yourself, have a liberal eye and a passion for life. I kick back and soak in the views from a different point of view and think of all the locals going about their busy lives whilst tourists like me stand in admiration of their fine city, I wonder when they last noticed it. Dont get me wrong Im exactly the same, when its on your doorstep you take it for granted. I think of sefton park and the leaves when I left it, I think about my sister and mum walking around it with Dylan feeding the swans and looking for squirrels. I love that park, I loved running around it, through it, on it, knowing each stone and where it was going to start to hurt. Its nice to think about it whilst I sit at the top of the world, looking down on creation, the creation of san francisco.
Supplies, Fog, sunset on the Marina. The Golden Gate is the star of the show, but Alcratraz looks welcoming in this light and the boats twinkle and joggers, walkers and bikers make the most of a perfect evening. I relax into my sushi and notice the bird lady with a dozen pigeons on her cawing and stroking and feeding, shes stood like a scarecrow arms coated in birds and a novelty one perched on her head. An innocent couple walk past and the girl takes a picture of the lady being a a pigeon coated scarecrow, to which the lady shouts at her and tells her she didnt give permission, how dare she! Embarressed and apologetic the couple hurry off followed by a chunk of bread the crazy bird lady throws centimeters away from the girls head so that a HUGE seagull divebombs her face to grab and fly. The girl is hysterical of course and Im just mesmorised by it all! How much of this shit have I been missing in my life all this time with my head stuck in work or other peoples lives...hang on, arent I being a curtain twitcher now 😊
I focus on the sun leaving the sky and try and guess how far the sea is from the gate.

Free tour day with Henry starts with a happy welcome from him
'Welcome to America were everybody has a gun and nobody has healthcare!'
Grrreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaattttt!
Henry was born in New York, lived in LA, moved to SF. He's dry, funny and interested in real estate and volunteers these tours to the hostel for free which is fantastic for people like me. I can tell that Henry has his own personal story and Im sure that its a little sad in a way. Like Eric on our Vancouver tours, Henry knows his fact and history and mixes it all up with extremely dry humor thats lost on the ozzies and the germans but Im lapping it up hungry for laughter. We wander through the steep roads of Russian Hill where everything is light and spacious and filled with mature character and rent control, onto the crookedest streets of Lombard with more tales of real estate and tourism. I simply dont understand how there are so many people in the city who have a quick 6 million to purchase a small 2 bed property?? Or more importantly where do they work out?? The tour continues to Telegraph Hill and we conquer many steps Coit Tower is shaped like a huge penis/firemans hose, and was donated by a wealthy lady in the 1800's with a festish, sorry respect for the firemen of the city, its filled with eductional art painting around the tower showing life how it was from farming to womens lib. Its interesting to read and look at and I feel guilty about the penis association, but its only me and you that know that now. The steps lead us through an undergrowth of wooden stairs and delicious smells of herbs and flowers and hidden homes that test the refridgerator deliverys and the the fast food take out nights as there are hundreds of wooden steps of maze to reach these pretty but impractible homes. This is confirmed as a lady grunts past me ladden with shopping bags... We make a quick stop at Levi plaza learning that Levis originally wanted to make tents for the army...before they embarked upon frayed hotpants and skinny jeans. Not forgetting of course my denim shirt I havent taken off since I arrived, maybe this is where the fleas have set up home...Onto Chinatown and I think about all of the different places I have been to, even my hometown of Liverpool, they all have a china town. We dont see an India town, or a Mexican Town, yes there are areas that always denote a certain culture or cliche buuut none of them are actually named like China Town. I find this pretty special that a race so unimposing and communist have made the biggest prescence across the majority of the world. Not many weird bugs and flattened ducks here, but I sample the fortune cookie store and get to watch them being made. An old chinese man splaters his coughing fit across his hands and arms before offering me a free cookie...ermmm do I have to? Ok... Im probably not too clean myself anyhow. The ladies pluck and bend the hot pancake cookie mix and add the fortunes as the conveyour powers around at a cookies every 3rd second, oops one drops on the floor...no matter just pick it up, cough on it and put it in the tub. I'll take a bag please!
My fortune reads 'you will make many changes before you find happiness' hmmmm I like this but am disappointed there was no mention of sugartits?? We walk on through Broadway and learn about strip joints, sex clubs, crushed doormen having sex on the piano, and film producer Francis Ford Coppola before grabbing a stop and a breather in an Italian cafe sporting 1950's mega movie stars and a jukebox to match. I put some Tom Jones on Its not unusal to love somebody! I ask Henry about his family and he shuts me down and tells me he has no family...I fail at pulling out of the silence it creates and there is the sad moment I predicted but without the story attached, I hope that Henry is ok but I dont know how to ask him so start singing along with Tom like a goof and Henry smiles, and its ok again. The tour moves onto Nob hill and cable car museum that has the cars run past every few minutes, they struggle to make the corner each time and the guy who is in charge of the manual clamp to make the thing stop sweats as the car lurches down the hill. Upwards top California street and visit the cathedral we try to tip Henry but he point blank refuses and sees us into the cathedral and says his goodbyes. He's spent 8 hours with us rather than the usual 4-5 and I wonder if hes enjoyed just being with us today, if hes sad about his family, if he loved his laughing audience. The cathedral has a labyrinthe with a shoeless hippy weirdo walking around it chanting hand clapsed in prayer, before making it around the maze and following it up with a big skipping situation around the outside, again chanting songs about jesus, swirling and and praying, its too much to hold back on being discreet and I simply stare and wonder what he is?? Yogi, meditator, godbod, what?? The church is filled with people praying and its a modern and colourful place and after the skipper splashes himself with the holy water I too leave the building and continue watch him skip down the street singing at the top of his voice.
Me and the ozzies walk back to the hostel via an art museum and I get my bearings for the area. Happy suprise on my return, Courtney my accomplish in crime has driven from San Jose for a catch up, scoff, slurp and stay over. Its great to see a friendly face and we head out for sushi feast and vinos. We have similiar interests and a zest for laughing about everything and its good to learn about her life in San Jose. We are approached by a karate kid hopping drunk in full pose which doesnt deter us and we walk around the fool, to which his friend opens a box...the wolrd slows down into slow motion and a gleam of pink light pours through the box.....C.U.P.C.A.K.E the word lingers on his lips and we slowly turn around and eyes popping as we see the frosted icing peaks in their dozens line the box pinks, yellows, greens, peach...YEEEESSSSSSS please!!!!!! Karate kid hops towards us gruntled his moves didnt magnet our attention and was won over by a cupcake. We literally grab and run, as my hungry moose lips dig into the icing karate kids shouts back from the distance 'good luck with the roofies' Does he mean spit??? Courtney looks concerned and stops eating for a second...'no he means rohipnol'..... My cake sits in my hand half eaten...Maaaahhhhhh its eaten now and we're nearly home and its too tasty to chuck. As if anyway
NB: Rohipnol is a seriously dangerous drug, and if in anyway I thought karate kid and the baker were serious I would not have eaten it. Im not that stupid I promise

A brisk early morning walk to the Gate bridge with BFF before she heads off I say goodbye again and promise to be back in December to see her. Theres that homesick feeling again bef fend! The next couple of days I spend hanging out with Robbie my Bahamabama friend and I see some sights from an unedited version. We head to Haight Ashbury, an old hippy area renowned for great bands hanging out at in the 60's doing drugs and being wild. Lots of pretend tourist type new 2nd hand shops, a little contrived. A stop at the painted ladies which is the quaintest prettiest row of victorian houses with a perfect backdrop of the city behind them. There are from the 1800's and lived through the unforgiving earthquake of 1906 when city was virtually destroyed by the quake and its fires. We drive onto Robs surf beach and see the place where the old pool was knocked down, which reminds me of New Brighton, such a waste. Its not the prettiest beach though so we take a peak at Bakers Beach behind the Golden Gate bridge which happens to be NUDEY and I squeal with delight as the many shapes and sizes flounce around the volleyball pitch and the rocks loving the freedom of nakedness and I sneakily grab the perfect shot of the bridge and the moon...well that is the Golden Gate bridge with a slightly overweight hippy swinging his nude ass down the beach, probably loving life. Castro is the gay hub and we drive through and I almost swallow my teeth as a couple of gay guys sport their man bags and trainers and NOTHING else as they walk around the town shopping holding hands. I mean for christs sake there are children around! Here in the land of the liberal it is legal to be naked. Period. You are not allowed to be doing anything weird, but you can be naked Pier 39 for dinner and it seems the sea lions that usually drown the air with their barks are vanished to just a handful. I wonder what made them leave?? The nakedness no doubt, its flipping weird!! A great breadbowl fish soup washed down with more of Robbies endless history of knowledge and facts I subside into a food coma and head back for a restless night of sleep in the dorm grrrrrr.
Early morning walk and a good chat with sissy starts the day with plans and excitement as shes coming to see me for xmas and new year with mum and Dylan YEEAHHHHHH!!! Ive volunterred for the San Diego Emergency Shelter mission for xmas day and some odd days around that period whilst Im in the country. Have been accepted need to go for an interview when I get there to check Im not going to freak out serving the soup and spuds, I know Im good with smiles so it will be nice to give something back to the people who really need it at some of the toughest times of the year. If you want to help, or if you want to buy me a xmas present this year then you could feel good about doing something for someone in need, a mother on the streets with no money to feed her kids let alone a bunch of xmas presents, its upto you
http://www.sdr escue.org/donate/index.php. Im always torn between feeling sad and feeling scared about 'bums' but these charities ensure that they get fed and so it educates people not to give money directly to beggers as it most likely goes on drugs for most people. But then unfortunately everyone gets tarred with the same brush and geniune desperate families and mothers end up on the streets with no help aside from worthy charities and shelters who feed and help to rehouse. Enough of the Florence Nightingale it will all make for interesting blog material.
I head out to meet Rob at the farmers markets at the ferry building on the pier and its jam packed with people and sellers and foods and tasters and smells and busking and bargains and barters and sunshine and seagulls and smoke and chatter and money and matter. We grab some food at the raw vegan movement were nothing is cooked, everything is organic and its all raw, its gorgeous and I cram the goodness down my throat and think about Wills cooking and still know that nothing compares, and that Ill always be HUNGRY MOOSE! Just need to find big bear... We wander around the GIANTS grounds and learn about the fans who dive into the waters around to own the balls hit clear of the stadium. I can see why girls are so more into sports like this as they seem fun and involved and include everyone. Im hitting a wall of information overload and we take rest in Dolores Park with some beers and watch the sun dip across the park as the dogs rule the social interaction everywhere around. It seems like a good life to be a part of, but I cant help feeling some of it is forced or is that just my typically Liverpool way of thinking? Why are these group of people playing a guitar and all singing happy smoking a small doobie and happy hanging out with
their friends wasting the afternoon away. Coooome onnnn??? A guitar and singing in a circle???? Can I join in!! 😊 A quick stop back to the mission area, and a sighting of some crack being scored, an ice cream sample being tasted and a tourists eye on the Castros public show of gayness by shop names 'Hand Jobs - get your nails done' 'Rock Hard' 'Moby Dick' 'Puff and snuff' and my day is over on the exhaustion standards and Im forced to give in for the evening and retire to Hostel HQ ready for the game at Candlesticks to see the 49's and wave some foam fingers in the air. Rob has girlfriend duty and Im on sleep patrol, those dormers better not wake me!!! Josh gets here in 2 days SQUEAAKKK!

NEW BLOG BATCH ADDED 21st Nov

The party people in my dorm roll in at silly o'clock and win me over by puking until 3am, oh the joys of dorm life. THEY WILL PAY. I return the favour and wake everyone up at 6am pulling out all my running things and humming cheerily to the beat of their hangovers hammering on the inside of their skulls. Enough revenge, I have a Golden Gate to run over! The run down through the Marina and Chrissy Fields is a winner, and the run is combo'ed with skips and jumps and big fat smiles at everyone in my path. The sun is rising and the mist is hazy below the bridge and everything feels good as I breathe in the air. Traffic is quiet, its Sunday but the jogger traffic is a medium flow as I stride across the Icon underneath the orange glow. Its a long way down and my legs wobble as I stare into the water, no high rails here only freephone to the samaritans. Flo gives me the love I need as turn up the IPOD and think goodtimes! Its a 10 mile all rounder, and clubfoot gets through it ok, although I need way more practice.
Rob and I head off to watch the 49's play the LA Riders. Its ROASTING hot and the game actually starts in the car park lot with the rest of the 100,000 cars, its called tailgating! You simply crank up the radio pull down the tailgate on your vehicle sit on the back and eat your picnic and get hammered. There are serious contenders here with tents and marquees and stalls with TV and spirits, these people are crazy and mainly from out of town. Its a little intimidating the sheer numbers of fans and they pack into the car lots and its a sea of red and gold, the 49's colours. We head to the outdoor stadium, and navigate through the booze fuelled crowd to our section, row 6 from the sidelines SAAWWWEEETTTT! Check out stubhub.com if you ever want cheap tickets for events in the US. Some rouge LA riders fans wander the wrong way and get hurled abuse and boos from the crowd, the language is vile and agressive but never any real fist fights. I wait for the blows as a 49's fan yells
'GET THE FUCK BACK TO YOUR SHITTY TOWN YOU FUCKING LOSER, YOUR TEAM SUCKS FUCKING ASS YOU DIPSHIT'

These American Footballers are giants, the quarterback is ridiculous! Apparently normal girls dont date them as they are simply too big. Easy girls... I mean Im talking 7 foot wide jobs! The game is complicated and coated in cheerleader routines and TV ad's and ref disagreements, but the frustrations of the 3 second play and stop and play and stop URGH! They run and slam each other to the ground and I wonder how many injuries per game they get through. They have 60 players ready at the sidelines so I think they have insurance. Whilst we're talking cheerleaders, these girls dont do tricks!! No splits or flips NOTHING! They even have a bitch, this poor guy who has to come pat their faces with a towel and give them a drink after they've flicked their hair a few times. PPPfftttt!! Gold rush my ass. The crowd are wild, they've been boozing in the tailgate party for the last 4 hours, and love to promote their state.
'Wooooaahhhhh Im so drunk!'
'Ive drank SOOOOOOOOO much beer mannnnnnn!'
'oh lorddddd I cant stop drinking dude!'
Who gives a shit you bloody hillybilly! Stop waving your beer in the air and looking around at me shouting this useless information that nobody cares about, Im trying to learn the cheerleader hair flick and you are ruining my view. After a couple hours of the 3 second play and slam, I get to witness some touchdowns and broken faces and with my sunkissed cheeks we opt to make a quick getaway before the tailgate party starts up again. Rob takes me to the pier at the ship repairs dock, a rough area with a cool pierside cafe bar and we talk travel, Ibiza rocks and life. A final vino in the highest hotel in the city and we see the sunset turn the skyline orange and I eavesdrop a conversation with an eldery guy on the phone, his wife sat next to him,
'yeah we're having a cocktail, 45 years ago today I asked her to marry me here, and she said yes and made me the lukiest man alive'
My eyes fill and I interupt and confess about the eavesdropping and congratulate them, and they smile with comfort and ease and make me feel like theres hope yet for this spinster! I click my heels and head back to hostel HQ, my brother arrives tomorrow and I simply cannot wait to be awake again.

I speed walk to the Ferry point for my morning Alcratraz tour, Ive been told the place is haunted Bahhhhh we'll see! My speed walk leaves me with viper pit stains URGH, maybe thats why nobody talked to me all morning? Actually, the tour was mainly English tourists and I presumed that was why I didnt actually chat to anyone, as you may of noticed I chat to everyone everywhere, but not this morning! English are so reserved, or just rather unfriendly maybe? Viper pits pushed that opportunity away for sure. Alcratraz known as 'The Rock' is only a mile away from the city on its island, and previous wardens told inmates that the waters were shark infested and that they had caught 2 big great whites and cut the dorsal fins off so that now the sharks only circled the island. Add that to the frozen water temperature plus currents, and you only have 14 escapes from the rock, with 7 of those inmates being shot and only 3 never being found. Do you know who your neighbour is? They gave the inmates rewards for good behaviour, and even managed to tame the most powerful man in the criminal world, Al Capone. I take the audio tour around the cells and its chilly but really interesting, spooky to imagine the crims here, which is emphasised in the audio. Im convinced I hear a spooky 'hey' from a chamber and I rewind the tape to check, but cant find it again...TIME OUT. Rob meets me for a travel planning session picnic in the park, and we talk passes, weather, alternative routes, Tioga, and Tahoe. The maps come out and we figure out possible ways across Yosemite, over the mountain ranges to Death Valley and onwards. I owe him bigtime, I hadnt planned on bad weather closing the passes and I now have the contingency plans to be safe so its all good. Im also introduced to 'The Grateful Dead' no its not part of Alcatraz, its the hippy gods of rock and Ive found my new drive time over to Yosemite. Thanks Rob, you bushy haired salsa dodger ;-)

Airports are great when you're meeting someone, I sit and watch the people traffic, the hugs and smiles, kisses and shouts of glee, tired faces that grin, and then theres my tired face. JOSH!!!! Hurrraaaaah I got my own blood here now, I run across the line and squeeze him and feel ready to bombard every single detail on my trip and and and and and and and....slow down! I remember to hold back with the slush and gush and we drop his bags and he eats the rest of the picnic and we do a night tour of the city to avoid his sleep happening too early ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! I nearly lose the car on a steep hill but luckily J is too tired to notice my panic as the car tugs up the 35% gradient....

I reckon Josh needs the 10 miler bridge run to kick start his trip and since hes been awake from silly oclock we run out and hit the pavement by 6am. Sunrays hit the water and J sprints ahead as I huff and puff behind playing catch up 😊 Some sad news about Bizarre, my old company, and for all my friends that are there leaves me upset and confused... I make some calls back home and emails and try and figure things out...It seems Activision might be closing the place down and giving everyone 90 days notice. It completey fucking sucks. You work somewhere for 13yrs and its an international success, and all your friends and family are still there and then it just gets shut down? It doesnt make sense. Im pretty gutted...
Its a great day for tourism and I have to remember its my bro's first day, he doesnt need me blubbering, so I take Josh bestbuy of course! Hes need a tripod so we check out and move onto Mission the Latino area Im fond of, which is funny since Rob tells me he read in the newspaper a gangfight went on the last time we were there and guns were fired two blocks away from our coffee. It just doesn't feel like that there though, small and petty crime is kept away by the big boys who want the cops to steer clear so they can concentrate on the translantic drug deals? We sidetrack to Twin Peaks and then onto Union sq for some shopping..Joshua request not mine! Its an amazing time of year for the weather, the temperatures are high and the skies are blue and cloudless. We head to Cafe Gratitude for a raw and vegan lunch, on delivery of our choices the waitress tells me 'you are worthy' and Josh 'you are rejuvinated' LOVE THIS PLACE! Trader Joes to stack up for the road trip to come, and its organical and wholefoods and healthy and cheap! Night of emails to friends at Bizarre and ACTV and anyone in the industry who can help with the situation....Sad times....Hope.

On the ROAD!!! YAHOOO! Almost dont make it out of SF spaghetti junction, but the satnav finally pulls through and gets us to Yosemite. The farts have started.... We stop at the tourist centre for info on treks, maps and weather advice for the Tioga pass. Kathy Bates is behind the counter and her eyes swivel everywhere around the room as I ask my questions, she simply refuses to look at me and weirdly grins and she keeps changing the names of landmarks because she simply thinks tunnel view sounds better as Discover view, 'thats what I personally like to call it' oookkkeeeeeeee! Great job for someone in Tourism who changes the names of everything to her personal preference, yeahhhh we live in America but I prefer to call it Cookiejar.

Our BUG hostel gives us the keys to our tent in the woods, but its more like a wendy house for grown ups, freeeeeeezing and Josh kindly showed me the giant spider display in the reception, but its ok they're doormant in Winter. EEEKKKKK where the frig are they doormant???? Under the wendyhouse???? Dont think about it, we head out to Yosemite via Bridalveil falls and its stunning, a jetstream of water sprays from the top of the mountain and gets blown in the wind to a mist down the mountain and as we get closer we feel the water on our faces. After the shower we check out tunnel view, known by Kathy Bates as Discovery view, but then get diverted by a road worker to Inspiration point which is a short trek up the mountain and avoids the tourist crowds as we peer over the edge of the cliff out into the valley before us, with the famous half dome in the distance. We sit and just be.
We drive further into the park and take a walk out to Yosemite falls and spot some wild deer lurking on paths, in amongst the trees, they are everywhere. Just being too. Half dome glows pink as the early moon is visible at 4pm and we start to make our way back. Its dark and the drive through the narrow pitch black mountains is trying on my tired eyes plus the reds are at home plus Im hungry, its a bad combination all round. We grab some cheap mexican stodge and I gaze with tiredness at the locals. A couple sat opposite each with a big phone ear piece in their ears, do they call each other to ask if they are enjoying themselves? A biker redneck with his 30 stone girlfriend sat diagnolly from each other, is that so they fit or so they can get more plates in front of them. Its all just too weird for my fragile mind right now and I grunt and battle in my head as I drive back to the wendy house darkness, and my headlight tries to find the doormant spiders as we stumble through the trees before collapsing in a food period coma. Its only 7pm but it feels like midnight ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
Josh shuffles to the showers around 5am, I hear myself grunting and we're up and packed and emailed and fed and Vegas hotel booked. PPPPAAARRRRRPPPP!
Packed it, booked it, fucked off.
We do the trek to Mirror lake in Yosemite on the way through, its only 5 miles and the trek leads us through the trees and although the sky is blue and the sun is high the temps are low especially in the shade. The trees zoom up racing against the mountainsides and there are lots of deer and wildlife all around roaming freely.

BE INSPIRED. Love Nature. Love Life.

We meet a young deer on the path, and edge our way closer to get a good photograph, it lets us get close before it perks its ears attentively, so we take a wide berth around it. The deer doesnt move, just acknowledges our presence and lets us pass, as we turn to follow the path we are faced with a very oversized and large camaflouged cat stalking up the path towards us. It takes me a few seconds of frowning and thinking what the hell is that, before I realise it could actually be a cougar cub and Josh and I are in the middle of its path to its dinner, the deer. Oh fuck. I have a stick in my hand so I start whacking the floor making a noise so it stops coming towards us, it takes a track alongside us up the mountain so its at chest height now alongside us and the deer is ALERT and edging towards it. Its a deer cougar stand off and Im torn for fearing for my own life to wondering if I can watch it go for the deer EEEKKKKK. Josh is happily taking zillions of photos whilst Im waving my stick thinking FUUUUUUCCCKKKKK! As the cougar stalks lower on its belly ready to pounce the deer bounds forwards towards it with its legs forcefully smashing the ground, its absolutely shocking! The cougar legs it, up the mountain a little bit and the deer smashes its legs once again and the cougar is nowhere to be seen. The deer saved us!! As Josh and I go over the whole ordeal over and over with my eyebrows coming off my head, just flabbergasted to have witnessed nature so real and up close. Just fantastic!! We chat to local worker a little up the path fixing up a path and tell him, and show him the pics
'yeeeahhhhh thats a bobcat, pretty awesome though'

Errrr what? A flipping pussycat???? We were in a close to death stand off with Ginger the tabbycat. Great! Who am I kidding, it was still a wildcat and it was bloody brilliant 😊 I call into Grandad and we bask at Mirror Lake with its reflections of Yosemite mountains all around like a grotto. The colours in the park are so vibrant, yellow, orange, greens, peach, tan, blues, the leaves are scattered in the lake and parts are dried up, its divine. I pose for ze cameras as a zillion tourists admire my tree pose . We walk out of the tourists and find pools of lagoons amongst the rocks with the same mountain backdrops and Josh decides to pose for my camera in a flying motion on a rock in the lagoon....As I click and view I hear a weak muffled yelp and look to see Josh surfing in slow motion down the slanted rock into the lagoon. HOLY SHIT! SPLASH! The water comes up to his thighs, the water is freezing, he has fully gone in. I struggle between trying not to laugh to thinking how I can help, but as soon as I see him grin I burst out laughing as we get into the sunshine to dry off. We stuff his shoes with newspapers and he takes it all in good spirits since I was the only one who saw 😊

The drive up Tioga pass is open hurrahhhh, no 20hr round trip drive to Tahoe and down needed. Plus its stunning, the snow soon makes it presence and the ice lines the windy roads up the steep elevations. Icicles hang off the roadside rocks and we gawp at the randown boulders left dragged all over the mountain by the ice. Its amazing to think that formations like this were built by glaciers millions of years ago, and continued to be carved by weather. We pass frozen lakes and get upto over 9000 feet over the mountains and my driving concentration is pushed to its limits with the roads, no fences, sheerdrops, ice and views to die for, literally. I hit the wheels into 4 wheel drive, turn up Floyd, and we much our way through bags of dried fruit and start a musical farting orchestra which never fails to make either of us laugh. We make it down the steep mountainside out onto Mono Lake, a lake formed with salt formations that looks a little like Mars. Its cool, but Im eager to make tracks its 4pm and we have to get to Death Valley and into Vegas. Its a 'Hell Drive' taking over 5 hours, after having already driven 4 hours in the morning. Hmmmmmm not good but it needs to be done. Unfortunately with the time change it gets dark by 5pm and although the musky clouds haze the sky reds and pink as the sun sets over Nevado, I have to drive 4 hours through Death Valley in the pitch black. There are no street lights. Extreme elevations and winds in the road, and it never ends. PLus its called Death Valley, jesus its just all so wrong. After an hour or so a startled bunny runs across the road too late to make it to the other side and I see the panic movement in its body as I can do nothing but scream and feel my wheels hit it....
....
....
....

I dont stop. This makes it even worse in my head. I hate myself. I cried for the rest of the journey and relived the moment a million times over. I didnt stop because I was too frightended of the scarey pitch darkness, and I torment myself thinking it might just have been injured and I left it. Cant cope with the guilt...... The torment doesnt end for the rest of the journey as I see dozens of suicide bunnies at the roadsides waiting to leep under my wheels and Im exhausted with concentration of the pitch black, and the bunny braking and the windy roads. Josh snoozes next to me and tells me not to worry it would have been killed straight away. None of this makes me feel any better, not even the trumps. My name is Michelle Langton and Im a bunny murderer.
As we get closer to Vegas the orange glow is visbile against some low cloud, which is saying something since nothing is visible at all in the Valley. I will Vegas to hurry up and let me just get in the bath and sleep the torment away. After the 9 hour helldrive we finally check into the MGM, bath, room service, bed. Bunny Torment dreams.

Las Vegas
OK need to get over being a bunny murderer especially since I may have once had a bunny fur coat. Which I swear I will never ever purchase similiar products ever again. Honest! NO! Breakfast in the Bellagio is a feast and preps us for our day in Sin City. By the gloom of daylight Vegas looks a little bit sorry for itself, its a bit blackppol with cash and nobody seems to be 'really' enjoying themselves. Dont get confused though, Ive done Vegas before with my sister and we Chippendaled, gambled, drank, got sick, shooped and got our party on New Years Eve big time, and LOVED every second of it, but that was 5 years ago, I want different things now, Im a different person with more to discover. We walk the Vegas strip and the cracks show, the mexcians handing out playing cards with GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS delivered to your door, and as I stand on the millions dropped on the pavement I wonder if they are happy in their lives, what do their parents think, are the mexicans classed as pimps. Unesscessary esculators, gallon size plastic beer cups, oversized food plates, extravagant everything, America's finest! I feel invisible with my normal boobs, and vintage retro style, Vegas only appreciates porno heels and mini dresses Langton! Its soulness, but who needs soul when you have fake tits and accessible beer everywhere right!? We camp at an oxygen counter and get massaged as we breathe in the oxygen, hang on dont we breathe that stuff anyway? Who cares it lifts my headache and Josh reckons he can see better so its all good. Dinner at the sushi place in the Wynn, and Josh comes up with the conspiracy that the hotels are smiliar to Blair witch in that, we keep trodding along the conveyour belt seeing the same thing never actually managing to find the exit. Ha! Its so true, these places are HUGE! Sushi and saki is great HUNGRY PIG and we head to the Venetian to watch 'The Blue Man' show, easily the best show Ive seen in ages, google it, its fantastic and well worth the cash, just dont sit in the first 5 rows if you dont fancy paint and splattered food all over you 😊 Vegas by night has to be seen, its just a huge competition for the biggest light show, and the best water feature and the tallest gimmick. Dont be fooled on the distances between the hotels, these things are huge and so they may feel like they are close, but they're not! Bright lights big city man, easy to fall into and put everything on black and call those GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS whilst swigging my giant sized gin! Get me outta this place man, Im on a soul trip!

Utah

On the road again, trumping all the way down the highway in harmony, we head to Zion National Park in Utah, and the environment quickly changes to red sandstone and cactus country. The soundtrack to our journey is 'The assassination of Jesse James' which is fitting and medicine for the mind, I love this sound of the west and I quickly envision my life as a cowgirl on the cattle runs living in my ranch OOOoooooo now theres an idea! Zion was formed from cracks in the mountains zillions of years ago that split and form the canyons and the sculptures in the rocks. There seem to be layers of colours throughout the rocks, reds, golds, green, grey and it looks like an ice lolly 😊 The layers and textures in the rocks seem symmetrical yet uneven and different from one surface to the next. The rain starts and we decide to head out to Bryce before the weather comes in, we chat to the warden who warns us that there is some serious weather on its way down the mountains and my head pounds with more torment of driving avoiding bunnies and deathdrops. The drive to Bryce will take 3 hours and dark soons comes and its pointless seeing Bryce in the dark so we opt to head to the cowboy ranch at Boulder, but thats 4 hours away and the snows starts to fall. URGH the concentration it takes to drive in snow, on wrong side of road, on wrong side of car, in steep valleys, in pitch black, following a satnav is HORRID. The snow gets heavier and we're suddenly in a snow storm, Joshy take charge and says no more driving we're staying right here, so we check into a roadside hotel and Im grateful for the white flag, plus we will get to see Bryce Canyon in the morning, and the bunnies will be spared.

After shutting out the loud snores of my completely rested brother, I wake to scrape the 20 inches of snow off the car and look around at the completely covered surface of everything in sight. I never knew it could snow so much in Utah??? We head to Bryce by 8am and its magnificent to see the different formations of rock that were once under the sea carved by the water and ice. We take the Nevejo trail down through the bottom of the canyon and the snow keeps falling and against the red of the rocks its a sight like no other, I keep hearing WOW and realise its from my own puppet mouth. The sunshines and reddens the rocks more and the snow falls onto the contours of the rocks and emphasise the knobs and the curves making them even more dramatic. We spend a couple hours soaking in the lanscapes and head out along highway 12 to Boulder and take in Jesse James western melodies and drive the tops of the valley mountains with the sheer drops either side of the narrow roadways, but this time its GORGEOUS sunshine and I love every second of it. We pass through Henry mountains were wild Bison roam, and there isnt a Wendys in sight hurrah! As we get to our ranch in Boulder the snow storm starts up again and we manage a small hike around the property before curling up beside the log fire with blankets and books ready for the morning horseride. YEEEHAH!

NEW BLOG BATCH ADDED

After falling asleep to Josh singing 'whats that comin' over the hill, is it a bobcat, is it a bobbbbbbbcat!' we rise early to a hearty cowboy breakfast in preperation for brokeback mountain, Gitty up! My horse is Christie, shes dark with three white socks and a thick mane, we're friends immediately. Josh is on Gypsey, and Becky our real life cowgirl gives us the basics for our 2hr snowy ride over Boulder mountain. The saddles they use have huge horns up front used for lassoing the cattle and the reins are held with one hand and the other waves in the air whilst you shout YYAAAHHHOOOOO! Well maybe not the latter, but it still feels good. The horses tred through the snow up the mountain and Christie lags behind so that every 5 minutes she can gallop a little to catch up again, I secretly wave my hand in the air miming YAHOOOOO since Im at the back. Becky tells us how she and her husband run a cattle farm and that every 3 months they move their cattle onto different land for food and weather purpose. They've just come back from a massive 3 day run moving over 800 cattle from over the mountain to lower grounds where the snow wont be as harsh on the herd. The snow is ankle deep at the moment, but last year the snow reached waist height and her husband witnessed a mountain lion chase an elk that bounced through the snow with the lion hot on its hoofs... I know that part of nature has to be, but I like to think the elk outran the lion.... Who still could be hungry out here on the mountain! The sun shines down on us, but the snow and wind is bitterly cold and Becky takes us around the top of the mountains edge, and we learn that a horse will follow your command even if its to steer off the mountain. Mules however will never do anything that will endanger themselves, not so stupid after all hey! They use Mules in the Grand Canyon our next stop. Feels tremendous to be trotting through the snow on on my Black Beauty and I gaze around the mountains and wonder what life as a cowgirl would be like. If you had all of the skills needed then, it would be pretty amazing, with great chaps too.

After the ride, we thaw out at the ranch with a hot chocolate by the log fire and then head out to Capitol Reef National Park. Its like driving on an ice rink to get there, we have to drive over a mountain which reached over 9000 feet so its just pure ice and snow and a bum clench drive the whole way on the unshouldered roads. Im so proud of myself for all this driving, I would usually spaz out completely but I guess it just has to be done, and done carefully, to get to enjoy the pleasures of travel and new adventures. Capitol Reef was named for looking like a reef, and its plain to see the comparision. Its a wall of red reef like rocks burning in the sunrays, with the familiar layers of coloured rocks throughout the formations. I still think about a 'fab' ice lolly with their reds, oranges, greens, gold, yellow, and rubble of falling rocks. There are some petroglyphs we look at which were dated over a 1000 years old, drawn by native american indians. They look like marshans and goats, and I wonder what it is that they saw, but then again who am I to say what a marshan looks like? The drawings are around the base of the huge rock formations and I try and vision what they must've looked like stood there carving their artwork onto the red. I wonder what philosiphers have to say about them, must google and read more about this, Im curious about what this means...

We drive a little more into the reef taking in the sights, stopping for some car surfing Teen Wolf style and catch the sunset before driving back up the ice rink in the darkness to the Ranch on Hells Backbone. Nice. Mitch the guy who runs the place is cool, has been living in Hawaii for the past 11 years and switched his lifestyle completely for some snow and cowboy living. He has dreds down to his bum and friendly rosy cheeks, interesting guy too. I ask him about the mormon way of living here in Utah and how he has adapted
'Well its pretty weird but Boulder has just 180 people living here, over half of them are men, the other half are mormon women who are all married, leaving just 2 single women with a set of full teeth between them!'
I find mormons a strange cult, from what little I know anyway. Having several marriages if you are a man, and living in societies were this is accepted and young girls are born into it without really knowing any different. I just dont like it, or get it. Utah is beautiful but its such a vast and inhospitable place to live with its extreme weather conditions and massive amounts of space, Im guessing water can be a problem too. Thats why there is such a big culture of mormons here as they get left alone I guess as no-one else lives here! The guy who invented the cult was from New York, and their behaviour wouldn't have gotten left alone in a big opinionated city. Rightly so. Please forgive my ignorance if you think different, I do however think Utah is beautiful.

My first 'Mac n Cheese' goes down a treat and we meet Ron the owner who chats with about Utah's beauty and natural landscape wonders, and how Utah is the 3rd most diverse ecological environment with the different wildlife, vegetation and weather systems. He seemed very proud of his town, good for him! I was pondering to ask him how many wives would be waiting for him at home... The ranch is ours tonight as Mitch and Ron head home and leave us in charge, of ourselves YEEEHAH! Josh cracks open the beers and does a sundance in the indian headress and we trump and laugh the night away, I try not to think about being watched on cameras and being in the middle of the wilderness ON OUR OWN. Curb the irrational remember! Its hard when you're staying in a place called Hells Backbone and the snow blizzard is coming down taking the temperature to minus somethingteen and the main door is unlocked... Josh sing that song again! 'Whats that comin over the hill, is it a bobcat, is it a bobcat!!' PPPARRRP!
If its yellow, let it mellow. If its brown, flush it down!

Arizona

We hit the ice rinks by 7am, and make our way over the mountain again towards Monument Valley Arizona, land of the Indians. How many films have you seen with that backdrop, you might not know it at first but as soon as you see them, its surreal. The drive is jawdropping and we tune into some chilled trance beats to hit the desert. Tumbleweeds fly across the neverending road and the snow peaked mountains line the east and desert fills the west. Its brokeback mountain at its best. The clouds look like someone has underlined them with a ruler as they lay in a perfectly straight line alone the sky. We drive through Lake Powell and down the steep mountain zig zags looking down to more endless zigzag roads across the desert. The environment changes drastically again as we get closer to the Valley, everything is burnt red and there is huge rock formations but spaced apart making a massive presence in the emptiness of the desert. And then we reach the Valley... the iconic first three formations bigger than the empire state building welcome you in. We immediately head out after dumping our bags at 'The View', a place renowned for amazing sunrises from comfort of your room. SOLD. On a clear day you can see the rocky mountains in Colorado. Lesley our Navajo Indian takes us on a jeep tour into the depths of the valley pointing out the many different rock and the shapes that can be interpreted in many ways, an eagle, a cow, an indian chef, a whale, an elephant, a praying hand, a totem pole, Elivs!? Lesley tells us that the Navajo people beleive if that should they see any rocks falling from the formations in the valley, its extreme bad luck and if this happens then the medicine man has to come and sing a special song and say a prayer. Although the nevajo people are more urban than how some may think, they still keep their oldest traditions like medicine men which is facasinating. Their songs and prayers are never written down, only passed on through the power of voice and rememberance. Lesley tells us that also women are still bought for wives and they cost 2 cows, 2 horses, a silver belt, a silver bracelet, a silver ring which are paid to the wives family. He then tells me he's single and has cattle, and asks if Josh is my brother. Crikey! Lesley is nice, but hes almost fifty, a slight googly eye, and everytime his shirt blows in the wind I hear ' BELLYS GONNA GET YA' as his tummy lip flaps about a bit. I get all the good offers, gitty up Lesley I can play cowgirl! Back to the valley, just the sheer heights of these formations is breathtaking, and the burnt oranges and reds deceive edges and drops, and we see more petroglyphs of flutes and antelopes. Its so mystical and spiritual, but nature rules and as we peer through giant holes made in the formations by rain, I hope that no broken rock crumbles and gives Lesley his bad luck, although I would like to meet a medicine man. I have a slight cold and Lesley point to some Rabbit Bush which is a straw like plant that tastes a little of oranges and he tells me to suck the juice from the stalk and I'll feel better. I did stop sneezing, so I wont be pessemistic about the sucking of the stalk with 'BELLYS GONNA GET YA' ringing in my head. We head back, to catch the sunset and Josh gets his tripod out so this means business! The light hits the rocks in so many colours and casts so many shapes and shadows into the ground, and the clouds look blackagainst the pink smudges around the falling sun. I stop clicking and gaze into the colours and lose myself in medicine man songs wondering what would cure irrationalism.
Early snooze, early sunrise, cant get enough of these EVER, I dont think anyone could ever say, Oh Im bored of watching sunrises and sunsets...seriously! The sunrise starts just before 7am and Im stood sleepily rubbing my eyes as the sun suddenly bursts through the formations and wakes up every part of my body, I grab the rock n roll shades and stand in my thermals and feel like its the first time Ive seen the sunrise. I could happily live this moment every single day, please. Reluctantly hit the road in time for a snow blizzard and head to the Grand Canyon, the supposed mother of all the parks we've been to so far. Ive seen the Canyon before by helicopter OOOOooooooooooOOOOO! It was a tour Daisy and I did in Vegas, was amazing to see from the air but Im looking forward to getting down into it and trekking about up close and personal. The blizzard lifts, horray and we make it to the Canyon in good time. Ive clocked up over 1500 miles so far in total on the Joshy road trip, and as chief driver Im trooping through it with some help of Ricky Gervais podcast sessions. That guy is funny, and what about his laugh! I love the drivel and the nonsense from Monkey News to talk of general nothingness that keeps your attention, its how telling stories should be! We grab a room in one of the lodges on South Rim and head out for a walk along the edges of the rim from Mahovey point down through to Hocki to see yet another sunset 😊 THe snow mist prevent us from seeing much, and the edges of the rim are lined with ice and snow, and at 8000 feet high my legs wobble as I peer down the valley, no railings in natures garden and my fear cant handle it. I seriously think everytime my legs see extreme height they immediately think, oh here we go, another bungee jump or Parachute action, get ready, and I spaztazmoraz out. Chill legs, its just a walk along an icey ridge 8000 feet up along the canyon with no railings, no jumping involved, its all good 😊 The Canyon is of course ENORMOUS and the sheer size of it, is whats overwhelming. But so far, I was more impressed with Bryce Canyon because of its unique shapes and colourings, but we'll see! Darkness sets in early and we trek back in the snow and manage to hop a shuttle bus before we're engulfed totally by the dark. Who fancies an early morning sunrise at Shoshone point??? US!!!

6am. Grunt. 6.10am. Grunt. 6.30am. ALRIIIIITTTEEEEEEEEE I'll get up! Happy Thanksgiving!!
To get to shoshone point, you have to drive past Yaki, and then hike out a mile its a little of the normal tourist track and in cougar territory . The snow is crunchy and thick beneath our boots and its hard to speed walk to keep off the cold in the deep crunches into the fresh snow. Its worth the hike though, as the sun pops up on the east side of the canyon shapes and shadows start to appear with the walls and surfaces and the colours begin to form. Josh braves out to the end of a formation that juts out into the canyon, but my sleepy eyes and wobble legs cant follow and I take in the morning sun from the safer wider end of the rock jetty. We find some tracks in the snow that could be cougar or dog and we're eager for some wildlife action.

Josh heads out on the Bright Angel trail down to the bottom of the canyon after buying some crampons as the trek is steep and slippy with ice. I completely chicken it after 20 steps of narrow death defying slippy edge plummets all the way down. BOOOO! Kick myself for being a wimp 😞 I blame my accident, I have less confidence than supergirl used to, and have balance problems . I challenge myself to walk the entire South Rim from Hermits Rest to Village, an 8 mile slog around the top of the canyon, walking on the rim, narrow natural paths, snow and ice, no railings. Hmmmm maybe I should have done the Bright Angel... Its unnerving to not have any railing as you instantly feel that you are going to fall, weird how your mind can sometimes take over. Mind over matter! Fight the fear! I stride ahead watching my feet carefully and maybe having the odd spaztazmoraz hot panic flush on my top lip but its nature up close and personal and it feels good to be out here almost meditating as you are thinking of nothing else at all. Your mind is focused on one thing. DO NOT FALL 😊 I stop a while and contemplate and enjoy the surroundings and feel the heat on my face and the snow at my feet and think YEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHH! Well it came out my mouth too, but thats ok no echoes. I bump into a group of around twenty giant elk on the path and follow them onto the road before they sniff me out and edge a little bit too close forcing me to walk backwards away from them not leaving their eyes with mine though, and they back off returning to chewing grass. See how experienced I am now, move over Bear Grylls!
Josh heads out for the sunset nearly getting lost in the dark, sunsets by 5.30pm since we hit Utah! He thaws out and we grab some thanksgiving dinner and pumpkin pie, snooze and up early in the morning for the trip to Joshua Tree. Six hour hell drive number 2.

The drive through the Mojave desert is pretty easy, aside from the stomach flipping dips in the road, its pretty straight and tempting to floor the pedal....I say tempting what I mean is I keep finding myself doing over 100 and get that rush of pins and needles to your hands when you get a fright, but a pleasure fright 😊 We take route 66, and find our way to a pilgramage of shoes and pumps tied to fences and trees. Its prolly about the most interesting thing, Im in need of some big green mountains and a beach man! We land at Cafe Crossroads in Joshua, scoff and laugh at the cartoon art on the walls, even I could draw better than Yogi Bear!
Joshua Tree National park is a haven for rockclimbers and we spot many scaling the boulders around the park. What a fantastic sight and great thing to do! Joshua Tree is actually from the Yucca plant family, so its actually a plant but called a Tree? Only '1' Joshua in my eyes bro, and you're just as hairy. We take the Hidden Valley trail which leads us around a nature path and many climbers as twilight starts to fall, and the trail gets misleading a little. Loads more boulders and strange formations, but Im actually a little stoned man, as in too much rock admiration! The Joshuas line the road in their hundreds, I wonder how U2 picked 'the one' so many interesting shapes and branches to chose from. Dark springs on us as always too early, so we piggy out on pizza Joshua FORCED me, and my mind wanders as the overweight servers laugh and stuff pizza in their gobs threatening each other with 'if you dont eat your pizza you wont get your dessert!' Jesus, there is no hope for any of them...can I change my order to a salad?? NAAAAAAAATTTTTT! Body analysis update...

- stray whisker on chin
-scabby nose from cold and picking scab too much
-beginnings of BELLYS GONNA GET YA
-clubfoot ache and claw hand from driving, need hot yoga and massage to fix.
- scabby ear healing well, time to repierce oooooo tattoo aswell...wait till LA
- ALL bodily hair levels normal and maintained...aside from stray whisker PLUCKED
- nice silky locks since finding hair conditioner leftover in hostel, true scavanger ming
- SMOKE FREE CLEAN LUNGS! Yeaaaahhh no fags for a month now eeeaaaasssy
- Chilled mind and determination focus!

Josh almost kills me with a trump gone terribly wrong and I gag under the whiff. Please cancel the last body anaylsis point! His girlfriend Nina did warn me, but I thought I could give him a blast for his guffs. URGH...I learn to breathe through mouth only for rest of trip. We head to the Joshua Park again and check Keys point trail, the trail gives you an elevated view of Coachella Valley (FESTIVALLLLL IN APRIL WITH MA BITACHES!) and Palm springs. The pollution on the horizon from LA is disgusting and you can hardly see the mountains through the haze. How long will we survive like this with so much greedy consumption and not nearly enough awareness... Think about that later, after my zillion miles of road trip clocked up, well nearly 3000 miles later from the Josh roadtrip I need to reduce my carbon footprint 😞 At least I think about consequence! My eco retreat will pay it forward and ease my conscience, solar panels, windmills, greenhouse, natural springs and Xfactor! Perfect 😊
We head up the coast to Santa Barbara, California, Josh gets some Zzzzz's as I weave through the LA traffic wars. We decided to bypass LA in favour of more time at Carmel later horah! Barbara is really beachy and palms line the roads instead of desert roadkill much to our delight, and then it rains, oh well! Our hostel is a block from the beach, but with paper thin walls and a ceiling that sags I wonder if the neighbours will hear the musical trumps, although they all seem to be coming from the bro now...breathe through mouth. We grab some sushi, fogs, cookiemonster, internet time, people watch on State Street and talk about life, death, murder and mystery! Without being a cheesehog, Im loving spending time with my brother and having this adventure together and suddenly worry about him leaving in a few days...Im not ready for it to end yet!

In the morning we bike up the coast on some rentals and pods of dolphins race up the sea jumping and fighting for fish with the dive bombing herons that all attacks the shoals of fish that have attracted them. Its an Attenborough sight for sore eyes at its finest. Sunday brekki on the beach with sand between the toes and heat of the sun as we munch our egg white spinach omlettes and earl grey watching the dolphins and the birds as the waves lap the sand that reflects the sunshine heat. MMMmmmm what is better than this??? Some surfers are keen, and we walk up the beach to look closer. Stinky flies swarm the seaweed on the sand and it makes me feel all funny eewwwww urrggghhhhh aarrrgghhhhhh get away! Josh just wades through them with his flippers . We get back on the bikes and cycle further down through the flea markets and artwork being sold on the sidewalks. Photos are blown up and for sale and I wonder how I can get 'Naked Guy at the Gate' on the market and start a franchise called 'What a cheek!' We check out of hostel, after I shower and come face to face with hostel reception guy in the girls shower room painting the door with one eye fixed on my towel. Er Hello PERV! I lift my scabby nose side and waft my chin whisker at him to deflect his pervstare whilst I manuevore the knickers on under towel trick. I then blow my scabby snout on the towel and ask him where I should stick it!

Lunch at Los Olivos, the cafe used in 'Sideways' Ive not seen the film but when Josh sits down to order his food he shouts 'I 'aint drinkin' no fuckin' Merlot' at the waitress. The food is DELICIOUS, blue cheese, almond, apple, spinach salad with garlic flatbread and a nice crisp Pinot. BELLY GET MY IN! We are taking route 154 through the countryside to see a difference in coast virsus mountains, I continously have the same debate in my head over and over and Im still torn between which I would comprimise for. As usual twilight comes upon us earlier than we want and we get onto Hwy 1 to take in the coastline that is Big Sur. We stop at the elephant seals, and we lucked out as they have had their babies and come to this spot on the coast annually to recharge. The noise from them is so loud and they are gigantic with crazy floppy noses, hence the elephant tag. They all cram alongside each other for warmth, and give the odd little nip, some go head to head. But its bloody fantastic, and we're above them on the beach, but only 5 or so metres away. I wouldnt take my chances on shore, the obvious alpha male is flicking sand all over his 10 foot body of blubber and muscle and looks keen for a wrestle that you most definately wouldnt win.

We manage to catch some of the glorious sights of Big Sur before we are englufed in darkness. We are treated before the black to burnt orange and purple horizon lines, but soon the beauty is taken from us and hell drive begins. Its only a few hours, but its on the edge of the cliffs, pitch black, no lights and the road is so windy it makes you dizzy. Josh gets car dizzy sick from the constant braking, turning, accelerating and I struggle to keep up with the navigation using the road markers and rely on satnav to prompt me on the bends. Its a shame we missed so much of it, but we're happy to get to Monterey in one piece, and Josh sleeps the sickness off after we eat THREE pieces of assorted free cake each. FAT HUNGRY SCAVANGER MOOSE. A little bit of hot yoga at a local studio in the morning wires us up for the day, and Emily our instructor loves to keep her attention on Josh in the class full
'Yes Josh, thats great. Keep both arms straight, gooooooooood'
'Well done Josh, good work, nice posture'
'OK strong pose Josh, goooood, greattttttttt'
and then the teachers pet gets his rug pulled when Josh attempts to....
'NO JOSH, DO NOT try and pick your leg up on your first class. NOT EVEN people on their 30th class even try that pose. DO NOT'
Hee hee teachers pet got told off! Seriously Emmmmmilllyyyyy as nice as you are, my brother can do more yoga than you could ever do. You arent even doing any of the poses, you are reading from a script. Hmpt! Luckily J obliges and we giggle and mimick her afterwards which keeps us amused for more journey time 😊 NO JOSHHHHH! hahahahahaha! Actually Em, his name is Joshua! Annnnnd she didnt turn on the heat properly so we didnt get the full force of hot sweaty gooch yoga action. I skype into the birthday twizza, and get to see her matching scab nose and grandads dome head and feel good to see them. On my way to get a fog, my first random friendlyness person approaches me 'Hi there, how are you today?' YEEEAAHHHHHHHHH friendly people who dont want to kill you, rob you, sell something or beg! 'Hey, Im great, how are you? I reply grinning 'Good thanks, have a great day' And so you move on 😊 I have a good feeling about Monterey and Carmel (they are just 20 minutes apart)

We take the 17 mile drive through Carmel on the Sea taking in the Lone Cypress and the moving rock which is actually covered in seals, so many you cant see the surface of the rock whatsoever, it has well over 100 seals all clambering over one another jumping into the sea, fishing, sunbathing, barking, just being. I peer through a telescope to get a better look and laugh with delight at the different behaviour and actions going on in their little neighbourhood on the rock. We end up on Pebble beach and spot 3 whales in the distance by the water spouting high into the air from their funnels and we follow their path along the horizon, having to wait 20 minutes at a time whilst they dive down and then resurface to spout more water and breathe and we feel blessed, not in a godbod way, just in a WOWOWOWOOW FLIPPING WHOOP way to have been able to see all of this so casually and naturally. We grab some picnic stuff from the picturesque town of Carmel where Rob was brought up, and I can see how you could easily fall in love for such a place. We head back to Pebble beach, which is silky sand with interesting shapes in the waves, and sandbanks and trees and mountains shoulering the cove. We take in the sunset, yes another one, AND the tripd comes out and we sit on the sandbanks until its dark and another random stranger comes over and says 'hey guys, wow great sunset, did you see the whales earlier?' Its hard to let go completely when a stranger approaches you in the dark when its just you and them on the beach, but we smile and agree that it was lovely and that we did see the whales, but I find myself clutching the tripod as a weapon ready. Curb irrationalism! He does however jump into a blacked out white van and doesnt drive away so I could be onto something.... Our last evening together at Carmel on the Sea, seeing whales and sunsets sat on sandbanks.
Perfect.

J heads out to the acquarium and I check out the surf at Monterey before we head back on the road for Santa Cruz. Its not too far away, and we head towards the famous 'Beach boardwalk' were the Big Dipper from the Lost boys was shot. I LOVE that film!
'Thou shall not crrryyyyyyy' But we almost do cry a little when we get there and its like a ghostown disappointingly. We drive by tour the town, blaaaa and start making out way up the coast back to San Francisco amusing each other with silly songs in different accents and mimicking people we've met along the way, and disecting accents and I suddenly feel I really dont want him to go home! 😞 Thouuuuu shall not crryyyyyyyyyyyyyy.....

At the airport we say our goodbyes, and Im not sure when I'll see him again??? When am I going to come home? Home...I feel homesick now...only because Ive had a little taste of home and now he's leaving me and I have to get brave all over again and be on my own. Plus Ive really enjoyed having him around RRRRRROOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! We hug and I scrawl into the dirt on the geep I LOVE YOU to which he scrumples his face and I look back holding back the wetwipe tears and shout goodbye. Off he goes, back home to bonny Scotland, him and his killer farts and songs of bobcats. I have a little winge on the drive to the same hostel at Fort Mason and I manage to get a grip and appreciate the pink fluffy clouds that glow on the bridge traffic as I wipe away the silly tears and my phone beeps...Josh.
'Had a fantastic time. Keep enjoying your travels & if you ever feel down, just think what might be over the hill.....'
Hahahahahahahaa I love him, just what I needed. A bobcat!

I settle into the hostel and meet an interesting elder lady from Manhattan New York and talk about Moby Dick and Italy and we swap contacts and I get myself an invite to Greenich Village, my previous dream to live there once, maybe it still could be. Its a big world, never stop exploring.
Its the 1st of December tomorrow and Im in SF for a few days before I head to LA, I plan to run, read, hot yoga, sleep, research and relax. Ill be signed out for a few days...Just being.

NEW BLOG BATCH ADDED 15TH DECEMBER

The next six days in San Francisco are spent back at Fishermans Wharf, running across the bridge, 'ultra' hot yoga, reading , and sleeping. Im suddenly exhausted and spend a lot of time in bed, I think Ive hit lucky when I discover my doormates are easy 70yrs old. MMMMmmmm sleep sleep sleep WRONG! They dont come home earlier than 1am each night, laughing and TURNING ON THE LIGHT and fiddling with hairpins and alarms. In a dazed frustration I throw my bed socks down off the top bunk and they land on bluerinse brigade lady 1's face...oopps. I politely ask them to turn off the light and fiddle with the alarm outside. In the morning Im woken to the sight of a MASSIVE pair of bloomers 'hanging' on a 'hanger' above my rucksack UUUUURRRGGGGGHHHHHHH Biddy Bloomers!!!

Yoga is the hottest ever, and I have to lie down mid class as the heat is so intensive, I glug the water and just breathe. The battle is to stay in the room, ignore the heat and concentrate on your breath, shit its hot in here....need air. After class Im drenched and dizzy, I cold shower and glug more water and navigate my way through Chinatown in the quest to find a Chinese Acupuncture Therapist recommended to sooth my rucksack bearing shoulders, and heavy thoughts. I lay down in her small treatment room above an insect shop, and its covered in mirrors....shit I hope I didnt just get sent to a 'happy ending' massuse. She doesnt speak much english, but she orders me to get undressed and lay face down on the bed. The next hour and a half is spent with her kneeding, cracking, pulling, slapping, crunching, twisting, HURTING my sore body, Im sure I even got kicked a couple times. Maybe I am in some kind of sick 'special' massage. She tells me I will hurt for a few days and to drink lots of water, and with that a wave of dizzyness suddenly hits me and I panic...I make my way through the mirrors and out into the hustle of chinatown. Get me to bed. Quickly. I feel like Im going to pass out. Drama.

I sleep whatever is was off, and get my bunk changed to a bottom bunk in case I fall out of bed. Im fine, I think I just overdid things, driving 3000 miles in a short amount of time, non stop touring, neverending absorbing, ultra hot yoga, sleepless nights, it all adds up. I check in with Rob after recovery and we check out the De Young museum in Golden Gate Park. I love the textiles section, silks and patterns from all over the world and Im suddenly inspired with ideas for my retreat, get my notebook out sit down on the floor and start scribbling. You'll all see the influences I felt once the retreat is up and running. Im still overwhelmed with exhaustion so I hang out at my hostel and Rob cheers me up with 'Craigslist casual encounters' and we scroll the coded filth for MwM, WwM, MwT, MwWWW Jesus there is some crazy stuff on there. Check it out if you want to be shocked, but check out the interesting cities like San Francisco and you might find 'I LIKE BIG BLACK BIKER COCK' guys, or 'SLUT WANTED FOR GANGBANG' options. The darker side to Craiglist is that it obviously attracted more than weirdo's and a killer was born...so before you click on that gangbang option on a cold rainy night, be careful....

I run my last run over the bridge and plan where to sleep for the next week and how Im going to get to LA. The next morning I leave for my 12hr coach, train, coach, bus, walk journey along the coastline down to Santa Monica. Moby Dick has my brain doing gymnastics trying to read a language that hasnt been spoken in over 160yrs, but its one of the greatest novels in American Literature and Im keen to get lost into the words and the sea. The journey flies and its lovely to relax and soak in the views of the coast. I get kicked out at Beverley Hills but with no advice on how to get to SM, and Ive no choice but to drag my things through the streets in the rain searching for a bus stop with some information. Its dark and late, 8pm and like a hobo Im dragging my belongings like a drowned rat lost in the streets of Beverley Hills. Need to fix this situation, I flag the next bus down and a frustrated driver gives me directions to the correct stop. Its all going to be ok, I find the bus and hop on...along with several crazies and their suitcases, all chattering wildly and shouting randomly at each other. Apparently public transport is not recommened in LA...ah well, Ive come this far.
IPOD.
READ.
HEAD DOWN.
DONT LOOK AT ANYONE.
The crazies slowly get off one by one in the dim streets that find their way eventually to 4th st and Broadway, and I find my hostel on 2nd, a block from the ocean, perfect.
I start my week in Santa Monica running along the beach to Venice along the famous boardwalk and muscle beach. Last time I was here with Brian trying to be cool on rollerskates ha, more like bambi on ice! I meet with some people from Activision, and they seem to be geniunely upset with the Bizarre closure potential,they arent the bad guys, just the messengers. It all just STINKS, and it seems Actvision big wigs simply dont give a shit about their moral reputation. Who doesnt think that a game that got highly scored, but then marketed badly by ACTV, made in a recession, is a 1st time franchise, made under new development structures and management, just might not do as well in an economic climate like today. Hey but who cares when your name is Bobby Kotick and you're a zillionare who is only bothered about capitalisation and proifts. Screw the families and the talent, there are plenty of great developers out there right? RIGHT???? Dont think so. Idiots.

I take a trip to Universal and kid out on 4D King Kong, Jurassic Park, Terminator, The Mummy, Shrek, clutching huge bags of candy and pizzas all day....well you have to do it right!!! My last ride is the House of horrors...in the queue the lady shouts down the mic, this is not fit for children under 10, and we cannot be held responsible for any upset. Errr what??? NEXT! They stagger each person in, in groups of ten, but everyone is in a couple and Im on my own. I walk on foot through the dark entrance and immediately SWEAT. Its dark, creepy and I hear screams already...fuck...I dont do horror. Why the hell did I come here. Before I get a chance to think about my question out of the darkness from NOWHERE jumps the chain saw FRICKEN MASSACRE growling his mask face DEAD close to me and then disappears into the darkness again.
I. AM. TERRIFIED.
I realise Im still screaming long after chainsaw man has gone, and Im creeping around the next corner HATING every second just in time for ZOMBIE MONSTER to try and GRAB my LEG. ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKK Im sweating and running and screaming now, I bulldoze my way past the couple who were in front of me missing the clutches of CHUCKY and his KNIFE, still screaming but its turned into a deep man scream now and Ive suddenly caught up with two girls and clutch them for safety. Big mistake, they are worse than me and I find myself becoming their human shield as Freddy FUCKING Krueger flashes his glove in my face AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS FUCKING HORRIBLE ITS DEAD DARK AND I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!! I American Football tackle my way off the two girls and bound through more couples narrowly missing Frankenstein jumping over a rail to GET ME and ducking under a mallet thrown in my direction by a humpback, and Im out! THANK GOD! Ive sweated more than hot yoga and lost my voice and am about to throw up the candy and pizza.

Im jumpy on the train platform, and its packed big time. I see a woman coming through the crowd staring straight at me, I look the other way and she touches my arm and I jump she hands me a card and tells me to give them a call, and to look at the website. Then she simply walks off, she doesnt give anyone else in the crowd a card, and as I watch her through the crowd, she gets on the train and looks at her phone. The card is for a Production company for film, hang on...what just happened did I just get scouted?? HELLO HOLLYWOOD FUCK THE RETREAT IM GONNA BE A MOVIE STARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! I grin like a crazy person all the way back to the hostel, laughing to myself. My optimistic friends warn me about porn movies, and being ripped off for portfolios, and ask me if I really want to be an extra for $8 an hour. Thanks guys for your support and faith in me!!

I save the card for a rainy day, I have to go to a dentist as my sensitive teeth are bugging me, dont ask but I end up with weird flouride gunk all over my teeth which has to stay on for a few days so I definately wont be going to any castings as MING teeth. I cruise Malibu, and fall asleep on the beach with blankets, Moby and surf watching. Im trying to observe and learn how to pick a wave, the moment to hop up, and how to avoid other surfers...but the sun takes over and I fall asleep to the rush of the waves. I spend time at Melrose, I love that place, tattoo and vintage shops at every other door, outdoor cafes and good lattes and veggie omlettes and memories of messing with Brian and Bizarre gang and Ami getting her tat, and us buying wigs. Its nice to feel familiar with surroundings, and I atcually feel at ease being here, knowing my way around a little helps and having some familiar faces to meet up with. The Farmers market at Fairfax is okkkkish but not very fresh, I notice that fast food is so cheap here and the fresh stuff is usually more expensive. No wonder there are many overweight people, disease and misunderstanding. Dont worry just take a pill to fix all of that hey!

I meet up with Thomas an ex ACTV bod, and he takes me to Hollywood to an amazing Japanese restaurant that you cook your own food. There is a hot ring and a big bowl of hot water, and you boil your choice of thinly sliced fish, veggies, noodles and its great! Its called Shabu Shabu and I highly recommend it nomnomnom. Hollywood is bright lights everywhere and skinny hardly dressed drunk girls, and I take a pue on the casting couch in practice for my audition to be the next Cameron I fidgit with my jeans, what is that bundle on the back on my thigh?? I fidgit more as we walk down Hollywood strip past the famous Chinese Mann theatre and I suddenly realise what the bundle is...a pair of frilly knickers that got stuffed in the leg packing. Oh bloody hell, are they gonna fall down my jeans and Im going to have to kick them in the gutter and hope no-one sees, how glamourous! I keep a track on them and they dont seem to be moving so Im just going to have to live with it. Thomas shows me his gorge home in Hollywood and I meet his very polite son and learn all about the wonders of digital books, that would solve a big weight problem with my bags...just dont know if I want to give up the paperback reading?? We cruise the mega rich street of Hancocks Park and check out the garden xmas displays to rival Harrods. Jesus these people are RICH, and they decorate their mansions with style! Well except for the ex drummer with 30 'David Santas' in his garden???? Only in Hollywood baby!
I check out some hot yoga and local shops, hire a car, run some more, plan my next leg of the journey, argue with a room mate who smells, meet a roomate from NZ who I plan to meet, and hire a car. My last day I spend at Venice Beach people watching and researching Yoga Teacher Training schools. I want to do a 200hr intensive course which takes a month of hard work, and get certified to teach so that I can offer this at the retreat complimentary. Ive found a few places in India, Costa Rica and Thailand, but am struggling a little with timings and I wonder how I can fit everything in. The only answer will have to be to extend my trip, but its all for my future and is all training and qualifications Im going to need.
I check out of SM and drive to Ontario early Sunday morning over some mountains, and onto Corona, not to drink beer but to cover myself in mud and bake in the sun for the day. Very theraputic, especially after run ins with dormates who smell funny. I bake and sleep, and reapply more mud, guess thats were the saying 'happy as a pig in mud' comes from?? A guy who looks like Jesus comes and disturbs my peace by 'tickling' my foot and smiling with his creepy yellow teeth. For some reason I just fake laugh like a stepford housewife....traces of his fingernails on my foot still going through me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME CREEP! Wow I really need to more yoga and chill out,but honestly thats what I thought!!!
Jesus returns only moments later, in his teeny shorts and skinny lanky body
'Hi there, how you doin'
Hes about 50yrs old, please dont try and chat me up. 'Im great thanks' Sod off.
Jesus proceeds to ask me what Im reading, and looks suprised when I say Moby Dick. He offers me a book, titled 'Pay Yourself' and says he's the author and would I like to come to a talk hes giving now. I gently tell him maybe. Jesus then tells me about the fact he lives in France, from Cali bla bla bla, hes grateful for girls like me who laugh and are alive when he tickles them. Yeah right Jesus, I wanted to kick you in your yellow teeth you creepy long nailed perv, now dont fucking touch me again. Be grateful you arent picking your teeth up, now go and talk about paying yourself to someone more niave.
After snorting around in the mud, I make my way to Huntington Beach in Orange County. The state with officially the richest and most depressed kids in California. Go figure? The richest kids in the state, having the highest rates of depression and suicide. Too much money to get a life hey! I check into a stinky motel opposite the freeway but with a 'small' view of ocean and SLEEEEEEEEEPPPPP. Next few days are spent with Jaz my surf instructor and the waves on Seal beach. I catch my first green wave, and although the waves are nowhere near as massive as Tofino, I love that Im much better at my hop up and Im starting from behind the wave breaking. Its still at wetsuit affair, the water is freezing and Jaz teaches me the sting ray shuffle to avoid being stung and killed. Apparently we're in prime spot for them, which doenst seem to stress me too much as I concentrate on my balance and get to grips with the board. Jaz takes me to 'secret spot' for a fantastic omlette and we talk politics, pharmacutical companies, and conspiracies. Jaz is originally from Honalulu and has a family here now, and at 55 he has the mind of a 14yr old and also works as a stand up comedian, previously for the troops and gigs around the world. Hes a cool guy, and takes me for a look at Dog Beach, yes a beach just for dogs??? I know a few that would fit in right here 😊 And then upto HUntington Pier, surf for the show offs and the younger crowds. Im looking forward to move surf in the morning before heading down to San Diego. I start my volunteer post in the mission centre for women and kids who have suffered abuse/violence and are homeless. Its going to be rough, but I beleive you had to give something back in life to balance the karma, and be grateful for the life you were given. Im grateful for the opportunity to help others with a smile and a shoulder cry, and hopefully some slap up dinners in the kitchens, I wonder if nows a good time to let them know I cant cook???
11 days until mummy and Daisy get to San Diego...I cannot wait!

San Diego

Surf was cancelled in the morning BOOOOO, some bad weather and onshore winds making the waves crumble and it not very pleasant, so I head out on the road earlier than planned. I spent the evening watching the oil rigs in the ocean twinkle in the sunset, its amazing how something so disgusting can be so beautiful in that light, I was mesmorised and instead of clicking away with my camera, I just absorbed and took a breath.

Newport and Laguna Beaches line the views on the pacific and the cars get fancier and the towns get more traffic lights. Spot the zillion palm trees, and surfers and the feel of Mexico is getting much more prominent with everyother restaurant being taco's or burritos, and 4 out of 5 people wearing somberos ;-) San Diego traffic is buzzing, and I hit the skyline and the airport and get butterflies thinking about the ginge landing soon! After a quick check into my cute hostel in Point Loma, I go check out the pad in La Jolla that we're renting when the tribe get here. Hmmmmm not so great, I panic as I sneak into the drive and find that the house Im actually renting is hidden behind a bigger house, and is almost as big as a wendy house with zero, light, view, space, outdoor garden ziltch. To top it off its further away from the beach the lady had said with mega expensive shops and toffs big NO NO. I meet the owner as planned and shes a fiesty italian canadian with dazzling teeth, tan n tits! TripleT syndrome! She blatantly tells me she moved to La Jolla to marry her rich husband (after giving up her clever job in stocks) and now shes a 'Fat, Dumb, Happy, Californian'. I almost choke on my tea, Im almost too terrified to tell her I dont want her place, this lady doesnt mess about. I end up chatting with her for a couple of hours about American Life, politics and guess what Healthcare of course! Every single person I have met in the US wants to talk healthcare, big issue and thinking point if I were to ever consider moving here, it puts me off big time. TripleT without shame tells me that the US bleed the rich, I think Bush bleeds everyone, and if you're a foreigner even more so, she was screwed over in lawyers fees for her visa (well her rich husband was), which led her onto saying that I would easily get a rich husband at the golf glub down the road and could move here no problem. Guess thats sorted then, just need to learn how to play golf and get the TripleT??? Hole in one!

I call in my backup condo at Windandsea and immediately get a viewing, as soon as I get to the road I can see the beach and ocean and immediately know this is the place. The terrace is huge and looks out to the sunset and with its huge log fire and baby boogie board for Dylan I smile and relax and sign up (its also 1/3 cheaper!) I wander around the area and sit in a cove on the dusky beach watching the lights shine from the cliffs into the sea illuminating the white wash as it crashes onto the sand.

Until the tribe get here Im working at the Homeless Shelter, so all my time is spent with a bunch of 'passionate' Christians (I didn't know Mission meant 'Mission!') and all sorts of people and kids who have found themselves on the streets. My first day is spent meeting the team, seeing the shelter and learning about the different sorts of work they do and programmes they run before being 'blessed' and then writing over 500 xmas cards to their doners, I feel like I'm back at Bizarre, but without Jesus of course 😊

The Shelter has around 400 clients who live there and are part of a 1yr programme to help get them back on their feet, tend to medical needs, addictions and help with life skills. Oh and all washed down with a MASSIVE portion of God. Had I wrote this blog on a day to day basis, I would have definately written with difference in opinion to writing my experience at the end of the term having had time to absorb and reflect on the work they do and the religion attachment is has. Don't panic, I'm not suddenly saved by the big man himself whoever that is in your world, God, Jesus, Buddah, Allah, BP but I have appreciated that although most of the USA are religious nutters, it does seems that a lot of people who actually do any good in this world are usually associated with a religion, in this case the Christian Mission Shelter. Why is that? Most of the donations that came to the Shelter were all mostly from Churches, Christian associations and followers of the Christianity belief. So, what does this all mean?? Are they one large recruitment company helping the vunerable to increase the followers, or are they just good people doing good for others without profit and without visible thanks from their boss, the big man. Maybe he thanks them in their prayers? I just know that these wonderful people who I met who help the homeless each single day of their lives, don't give themselves enough credit personally, they give it all to a God that doesn't exist, and that to me is baffling.

Thats my own opinion and Im allowed one in this democratic society! I hope that statement doesn't offend anyone, believe me after working alongside wonderful people that just happen to beleive in something I dont doesnt change my feelings about them or the people they are or the wonderful work that they do.

I'm invited to their xmas party lunch, and help set up the affair decorating the Shelter which is lovely and xmassy and it feels good to be festive as it just doesn't feel like Xmas one bit! And no not because its sunny in San Diego, its far from it, storms and freakish rain that pours sideways its so WET. The CEO interrupts the scoffing and makes his speech to everyone on how its been a really tough year, with pay cuts and staff redundancies (they are a non profit organisation who rely soley on donations) there is a lot of religion reference in there too and Im now realising the extent of how much these guys are serious Christians (I would have said crazy but not anymore). Their CEO starts to struggle with talk of letting previous employees go because of lack of budgets and then he breaks down crying... I feel like an imposter. Im a work experience teenage kid in the wrong place. Completely wrong place. The speech leads to a 'miracle' , an anonomous doner has donated a massive lump sum to help compensate those remaining employees who took paycuts in the year to support the Shelter. One condition, nobody is allowed to donate it back to the shelter. Did you read that bit right? NO-ONE IS ALLOWED TO DONATE IT BACK TO THE SHELTER. Meaning thats what these people would automatically do, its just in their DNA. These guys who work here give everything possible to the cause, even their jobs, their money, their time, you will hear more on this, helping others, non paid, non profit, just a few prayers to Jesus.

This 'miracle' is met with 'Praise the Lord' and 'Thanks be to Jesus' and 'Its a miracle sent from God' and 'Save our people Christ, thank you Lord', its met with 'Praise Dances' by the crying african amercian ladies with the big booties, raising their arms in the air, shaking their hands and wobbling their booty, everyone is crying around me, a room full of 40 or so Christian strangers. The praise dance lady breaks down about how this is a miracle from God and that she had been praying for something good to happen for the Shelter. Everyone around her starts crying louder singing 'PRAISE JESUS!' 'ITS A MIRACLE!'

I am DYING.

Let us pray.... The CEO invites everyone to pray and Doloris leads us into prayer of thanks for the 'miracle' sent by God, everyone is holding hands all joined as one as she sings through her words to Christ the Almighty through the bobbing heads and tears and closed eyes.

I AM AN IMPOSTER.

I'm so torn between thinking GET ME OUT OF HERE, to suddenly feeling tears roll down my face at the sheer humanity of the donation and the kindness of others and the emotions throughout the room of gratitude, geniune thanks of these extrodinary intelligent people. Im in awe, but disbeleif. Its so confusing, I have so many questions and thoughts racing through my sweaty head wondering when I will be noticed and sent out of the room. But it doesnt happen, these people are open about their feelings and embrace everyone so I am very thankful for such an experience. I really think I should start my own documentry like Louis Therox!
Whoever that donation came from, you are helping give these people strength to continue what they do, thats such a generous and important gift to make aswell as direct donations to the Shelters homeless.

I recover from the ordeal and head out that night for a traditional mexican scoff down on Ocean beach with a chick in my dorm Erin, she's a genetics scientist here for a conference on insects, so all makes for interesting conversation with repeats of the praise dance over frozen tequila mageritas and guacamole! The place is great and was a recommendation from a cool chick doing her internship at the Shelter, yes she's a Christian and she is cool and trendy, it can happen 😊

Saturday is an early start, and as volunteer swot, I meet Debbie at the Shelter at 8am. She is the volunteer cordinator with the energy and passion that NEVER slows for a second, I love her of course. Shes so loud and her face is one big smile, she has amazing presence and the fact she calls me an angel everytime I see her makes things even better. She's worked at the Shelter for 11 years and has a degree in Divinity and was previously a Pastor. I think she is intelligent, very smart, very likable and has an amazing skill of making you feel special, without judgement, comfortable and needed. Did I mention I love her? But do I think its mental that she blesses everything, and refers to God all of the time, hmmm Im not so sure about things!....

Im on the outreach team this morning. I help cordinate the other volunteers (ALL from churches aside from myself and one other lady) and we hit the streets inviting the homeless of any size, shape or state back to the shelter for an early Xmas meal. We're given training and advice on how to approach people on the streets, be prepared for resentment or anger, and advised on how to stay away from dangerous situations and what to do. We're in packs of 3, and Im with a male Church goer, and a bubbly lady from Texas horay another non beleiver! We have 5 blocks to cover over 10 streets, and its frighteningly REAL to what is happening on the streets.... There are so MANY people living on the streets, some in boxes, on blankets, in wheelchairs, on hard wet pavement, underbridges, in doorways, under bus shelters, in openings of any kind, car park lots, everywhere.... HOW?? WHY?? I'm a little overwhelmed, but we power through and get the information out to a lot of homeless guys and women who seem to be interested by the free hot meal option with no ties. A lot of people are however, cautious and refuse the offer which I find hard to understand. Maybe its the christian association, maybe they just have trust issues, maybe they just cant be arsed! A lady shouts at us to 'move the fuck away from her' and Im startled but I ask her calmly if she'd just like to see the invite for a free meal... 'FUCK OFF!' She then shouts to my lovely new Texas friend that she looks like she's eaten a free meal or two in her time, and I can see that she's hurt by the comment. We walk away and nobody says anything. Now just hang on a minute, does being homeless mean you have the right to be mean to people, and volunteers like Texan fit pumps lady has to accept that?? I dont like it, but I dont argue with the homeless lady, she could be a crackhead with a knife, or even worse just desperate. I simply hug the Texan lady and do my usual make fun of myself act to try and distract the awkardness she felt. Crap tho...

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Who knows what happens to a person when they run out on luck and find themselves fighting to keep warm and fed each day when I worry about being late for yoga and having a spot on my chin. Puts things in perspective hey? I meet a little old lady older than my nan was... somewhere over a rainbow Joan.... and shes walking in the rain in flip flops and socks and track suit pants all so soggy and wet, pushing a huge trolley up the hill filled with plastic bags and paper and blankets. Shes so dirty and lined.... "excuse me can you tell me where Wells Fargo bank is please, I have to meet a man there who is going to help me get all my money out of my account, he said he is a priest" Errrrrr what???? I try and get more information from her about this man, and try and persuade her to come back to the shelter with me to get fed and dry and then we could figure out this bankman issue. Visions of some chump robbing her cloud my head and as she pushes her trolley down the road soaked in her flip flops, I die inside a little bit... Please please let me see you at the shelter I 'pray'... I don't of course as she doesn't come to the dinner... and besides there is no God anyway listening to my prayers.

I meet Tim on the streets, he looks like a traveller, he's tanned a beard, long hair, not really dirty, has a suitcase and he's sat on the floor reading. Sometimes its hard to assess if someone is actually homeless, but I'd rather offend a homeowner rather than possibly miss someone the opportunity of a good meal so I speak to Tim who gratefully, but timidly accepts the invite and his eyes look down each time I try to speak. I hope he comes, he seems really embaressed to be there... ITS NOT A DISEASE FOLKS THEY JUST DON'T HAVE A HOME. 'Jesus!'

After we get through our blocks, we head back to the Shelter to set up the dining hall all xmassy! There are tables to be set, food to be cooked, chairs to be put out, gift packs to be set up, hand knitted beanies to be sorted donated by an old fogies church (reminds me of my Aunty Monica in New Zealand who is also a 'beleiver', she knits booties for 3rd world kids in South America, good deeds again by the christians!). The homeless queue up in their hundreds down the road for the feast, the dining hall takes 200 at a time so its a quick process of seating people, serving them a starter, then a main, then a dessert, coffee, water, sending them to the gift pack station, cleaning up, resetting the table and the process starts again. Its non stop from 1-6pm, and we serve nearly 1500 hungry cold and wet homeless. Women, kids, men, drunks, addicts, disabled, the poor, the elderly, foreigners, crazy, hungry, desperate, Tim, everyone is welcome and everyone gets fed. The Mayor makes a guest appearance for TV and Im asked to help him serve a few meals to the homeless by passing them off the tray to him. Yes its good that he is here making an effort and supporting, yes its good to get televised but hopefully for the right reasons, to encourage people to help, not for more votes. I help out and smile for the camera IN MY HAIRNET (don't sweat the small stuff) and then get back to working double speed. A guy with his son asks me humbly if he could please have some more, Oliver Twist has NOTHING on this. This is reality. This is a grown man in front of his son with watery eyes asking for more food because he is starving and has no home for himself or his son.

WHAT THE FUCK? How is this possible in the richest country in the world????

Against the rules, I get him more and a takeaway stash for him and his son to have for the next day. The day is almost over and the queue dies down and I sit with some homeless guys at their table and eat some cake and chat with them about their situations, its all pretty sad and I struggle to have any advice at all for a system that doesnt seem to support the weak and vunerable. I offer to get them all more cake 'because thats the best thing here' I cheer in my silly cheerleader voice.

'No thanks Miss, its the food thats the most important'

SLAP goes reality again. I spot Tim and go and speak to him, well try and speak to him casually about life, travel, music anything, but he point blank shuts me down and I can see that he really feels uncomfortable speaking to me. I hate this! Doloris approaches me and she looks stern and I know she's been watching me....

'Are you here on God's work Michelle? Did he send you??' I feel like Ive been caught out, 'No, Im just a traveller who beleives in good Karma'....she looks on at me still 'Then why are you here??'...I let her know Im just travelling around and I felt I needed to give back, and that back home I work with the NSPCC organising events through my old company, and that I believe helping the vunerable, kids especially, is something that is needed throughout the world. She doesn't seem satisfied with this...'Have you completed the volunteer cordination programme?' I tell her 'No, Debbie said I didnt have to since it was a one time volunteer deal kind of' She sucks her teeth and shrugs as if to say well, Im not going to be responisible for what happens! Im not sure what could happen, but Im certain that it has to do with what faith I don't have and wondering if Im a trouble causer out to open the eyes of the vunerable and tell them God isnt real. Which I'm not...everyone has to decide that for themselves. Or watch Zeitgeist....I am an imposter!

The overpowering Christian band pack up the drums, and I think about the semi handsome singer and his closed eyes and swaying arms to Jesus melodies wondering if he would be normal in a restaurant situation. We clean up as the last of the stragglers head out and the remaining food will be served to the clients who live in the shelter (yes thats the homeless folk) nothing is wasted. Any spare food is sent in trucks to other smaller charities who may not have as much donated. Everyone helps each other. I am simply overwhelmed, and my emotions get the better of me, and when I finally leave, I cry behind my hairnet as I run to my car. Im so grateful for my life and my hostel bed and my can of tuna and the free chocolate brownie made by the hippy in my dorm and the shower and my 'special' face cream and being safe to sleep in the warmth of a bunkbed. Im clouded with darkness and dispair and an urge to DO MORE. I spend Sunday morning buying 465 pairs of knickers, socks and kids grids and babygrows from Target were the Shelter have a xmas wish list. So when you next can't think of what to wear, which was me ALL of the time in Liverpool, think about the women who don't even have a pair of knickers, or underwear for their kids or a blanket for their baby. None of it matters anymore really... I spend the rest of my Sunday still sad. I take a couple bullets from life back home from people I love and Im upset and feel vunerable buuuuut, all together now,

'Dont sweat the small stuff!' At least I have knickers.

I email Debbie and tell her about the 3 people who stuck out in my head from Saturday, the old lady looking for the bank to meet the man helping her clean out her account and then not showing up for food, Tim the embarressed traveller lookalike, and Oliver Twist and his son. I tell her about how it made me feel, and how I was grateful for helping there, and most importantly how I wasn't a Christian just a Yogi and that I felt worried about it being a problem to ladies like Doloris. Debbie sends me a meaty God filled reply that I will keep for myself, but its all warm and bubbly and I'm glad its not an issue at all. 'THANK GOD!'

The ladies at the Shelter on Monday gaze in astonishment at the zillion bags of knickers I drag through the doors. The CEO comes through and thanks me for the kindness (although I feel really embaressed now of all the KNICKER talk like Im a big PERV!) He asks if we can pray together later, and since I've 'come out' as a non believer I feel fine telling him that I don't pray, he smiles kindly and says that he will do it for the both of us anyway. I also receive a written kind card from him, wishing me safe travels (in the hands of God of course) and that since I was alone without my family on xmas day that I was invited to his house for dinner with his family. I am truly touched. Slightly scared, but touched. Seriously, these people are NICE. What a lovely thing to do, invite a complete stranger to share xmas at your home with your family so they are not on their own, I was so happy but I have decided to work at the Shelter so I politely refuse. Could I be walking bait and suddenly see the light I wonder. Naaaaaaa!

Doloris is next to come and see me at my new little desk in the Shelter, she has tears in her eyes and is with another lady who works in the emergency rooms at the Shelter. This part of the shelter provides safety, food, a bed/mat on the floor, blankets, showers, laundry facilities, donated spare clothes and hygiene products for women and children only. They are allowed to stay for a maximum of 30 nights without judgement, including non believers! They have a maximum capacity of 60 per night, but this is easily exceeded and truth be known, no-one is ever turned away, beds are shared and mats are found and its all safe, dry and warm. I know this is where I should be working for the rest of my time here. ER opens at 5.30pm each night and the women and kids get kicked out at 7.30am in the morning. Its a hard reality and even harder when I actually work there and see kids without shoes and socks in the rain waiting outside. Toughen up girl! Embrace the experience and feel good about helping. YES I DO. YES I CAN. YES I WILL. YES I DID.

Back to Doloris, the ladies tell me how they had put their money together and were buying knickers for the ladies and kids in ER since they were so desperate and now I had done this, they were filled with emotion. I feel a bit silly writing all this bit, as I don't deal with OTT gratitude too well, I prefer in and out, done. Doloris tells me that she has been thinking about me and she is grateful for me, and then asks if she can pray for me, my second offer today (I really need to take this Jesus bangle off that Lady V bought me from Urban outfitters Im totally giving off wrong vibes, but weird how Ive worn it since I left to travel?). I smile and tell Doloris that I don't pray but I have no objection to her praying for me, thinking she was going to leave and pray off somehwere more prayable?? She glasps both my hands and tilts her head down and shuts her eyes...'Dearest Lord, we thank you for this blessed angel you have sent us Michelle, we thank you so much for her work Lord, and her kindness Lord and we ask you Lord Almighty to keep her safe on her travels to her next adventure and we thank you Lord for showing us that miracles are always around us, Amen'

My face is BRIGHT RED, my eyes have remained opened the whole time watching Doloris have no question in her mind at all that this is Gods work. Its confusing how being in this situation can make you feel, Im sat in an office in my comfort zone I guess, behind a desk doing accounts and admin, and then a lady comes and does this with the world buzzing past the doorway as she prays out loud for me holding my hands. I wonder if it would be appropriate for me to do the praise dance as a thank you gesture? Seriously, what she said, minus the god parts (for me personally) was lovely, and I appreciated it. I havent been hugged or held, or had any emotional tactile stuff apart from 2 hugs from my bro, and that was aggggges ago! So what Im trying to say, without judgement, is that I liked it....

Im totally aware that since I admitted Im not a Christian, just a hippy wannabe yogi I blasphem ALL the time. Think about how many times we say 'Oh my God' 'Jesus F**kin Christ' 'Oh pray Im not late for work' ' You'll go to Hell!' The list is endless to the references we make as a society to religion. Im just more aware of it now being weird that I say this lots of the time, Im going to try and stop. One step at a time.

Im invited round to Gina & Ant's home for dinner, they are more friends of Adam's from work (thanks for looking out for me!) and they have a lovely home, two cute little boys and Gina's Yorkshire folks are visiting. Everyone is really nice, her mum is cool and earthy having worked for Greenpeace and homeless Shelters Im interested loads in whats she's done in her life. A couple of friends pop in for dinner, they are from Rhyl originally and all of sudden Im really shy amongst my own people! Ha funny isnt it how that happens, Gina and I have been in touch over email for ages but Im like a dork all of a sudden and Im not sure why. Im then fed sausage and chicken pasta, and because Im a dork I dont say anything, just pick the meat out and gulp it down. I guess Im just off balance with working at the shelter, I cant seem to concentrate and everything Im doing I trace back to the homeless folk... Thanks Gina and Ant for making me feel very welcome in your home, and loaning the kids toys for my sister, and for my xmas day dinner invite. I promise next time we meet I wont be a dork!

I spend the rest of the days working in the office doing what Im good at numbers, admin, and then the evenings working in the ER for the women and kids, doing what Im good at smiling and being kind 😊 I serve the food, then help clean up, then I help set the mats out on the floor with bedding and help cordinate the kids, babies, mums. My favourite task was supplies I was in charge of the donated clothing supplies and the hygiene products. Each woman would come with her kids and let me know what they needed, something warm, something in a size 10, socks for the baby, shoes for her son in size 2, shampoo, soap, a towel, these ladies have nothing.... Instead of giving them the first oversized gross baggy pants I could grab, I niknamed the room Topshop and modelled the clothes and made sure I found nice pretty warm things, in the right size and made them feel good about the items telling them they looked great and having a good laugh about the gross stuff in there 😊 Again, think about all the stuff you have in your wardrobe, do you really like it ALL? Wear it ALL? How about giving a couple of items like jeans and a t-shirt to a local charity, you'll feel good for doing it I promise! A 17yr old girl comes to Topshop and I just cant find anything thats cool, its all a bit womanly and her mum persuades her to take some awful three quarter pants and a frilly top that was the best I could find, and I see the pain in her face. Its tough being 17 and on the streets with no normal things that teenagers should have like fashion and a mobile! The next night I take her in some of my jeans, vests and a spangly top and sunnies and to her Im like the new Kate Moss and her smile lights up the room as she tries on the jeans. Bloody hell, emotional stuff....

I meet up with Christian Philips who works at Sony, we used to work together on Gotham Racing many years ago. I get a cool tour around his studio (route in his office) and we grab fogs and catch up about old times, the industry, Activision trash, his kids and family, food, hobos, broken cars, San Diego living and Father Xmas! He's a gem, too funny non stop dry humour and its good to have some much needed laughs 😊

Hundreds of toys are donated by the military the day before xmas eve, and I get the brilliant job of creating a xmas grotto displaying the toys in sections divided by age. Thhhheeeennnn I get to help the mums pick out their toys for their kids, LOVE THIS! One by one the mums living in the shelter get first pick, 2 toys per kid. Then the ER ladies get their choices, then the poor in the community get their choice, then the men living in the shelter get their choice, anything left over gets stored for drier months like June when donations slow down. The room is mental as the mums get excited and talk about their kids to me and what they like, and are there any Barbies, can I have a football, that monopoly game, cards, a doll. I end up holding babies, whacking on the xmas tunes and help wrapping and it all feels good 😊 I get some free food supplies of sandwiches, cake and drinks, there are homeless folks all around my hostel, well everywhere I look now and I simply cant ignore it so I give them the free butties that wholefoods donate for the staff daily at the shelter that I swipe (it doesnt all get eaten and goes to waste!), is God watching me? 😊

On my way back to my hostel I spot Tim...on the floor reading, remember the guy from the xmas dinner. He really stuck out in my head and I wondered if he cant bear the thought of me talking to him because he is ashamed of himself and I was tore up thinking about it. Anyhow I was coming home from the shelter, it was about 9pm and I spotted him closeby to my hostel, which is on a really busy highstreet, so I went up to him and started speaking to him, he was a bit cautious at first but then he relaxed a tiny bit and we chatted. I told him about what I was thinking and he told me that he just thought I was smiling because I had to, that it was my job that day to be nice, because there is no other reason Id be chatting to a loser like him. This made me REALLY sad...

I offered to take him for a cup of tea around the corner, we got his suitcase together which had broken wheels and he had books falling apart he was reading, but I could see him being so self conscious of walking with me. We get to the cafe and I tell him to order what he wants, food, drinks whatever. We sit and he eats and he lets me ask him about his life and how he got on the streets. All completely normal, he talks about living in the east but having to leave (not saying why) then working in sales in California and the company went bust, then he ended up losing his apt as he couldnt make rent. He started living in his car but got a job working for a pizza company delivering pizza's, but then his car broke so he lost that job and couldnt live in his car as he had to sell it for money, so had been on streets for 3 years. All just unreal, how do you live in your car??

After about 2 hours of normal conversation about books and politics it was like a switch flipped....
He started becoming distracted. It was true, people in the cafe were looking at him, and staring and probably wondering what I was doing in there with a smelly dirty guy with his big suitcase, so I didnt blame him for feeling like people were looking because they were. Thats when he out of nowhere blurted out his story that this was all a part of a big plan to do with JFK, and that he was being tested and put through this experience intentionally because he was 'somebody' and that one day he was going to be someone. His voice getting louder and quicker stating that the mafia were trying to put a stop to him becoming somebody and make him gay and homeless.....He'd met JFK and Princess Diana last week too.

I started laughing because I was just shocked that he was suddenly absolutely CRAZY and he couldnt possibly have been serious??? I said to him that JFK was dead and that he was already somebody, and it didnt take JFK to establish that, he just needed to be himself. Thats when he started shouting...really really loudly....he was shouting so loudly that he knew he was being watched right now by the mafia and pointed around the cafe and screamed;

'THATS RIGHT I KNOW WHO YOU ALL ARE'...thats when I panicked.

I asked him to calm down and stop shouting...he did a tiny bit but was talking so fast and not even hearing me anymore, rambling about the mafia and how he was part of this big plan I was starting to get frightened and my thought process was trying to figure out how to stop this and was I going to be hurt and there's a knife on the table and SHIT. I calmly said we should change the subject maybe? But he didnt and I dont think he even heard me. I said 'Listen Tim you have to listen to me, Im not ready to hear this story you think you are in, but its making me feel frightened and Im going to leave ok?' I got up and paid the bill and said that he should stay and finish his food, and all of a sudden he was calm again and his eyes were cloudy. He thanked me for talking to him when no-one else cared about him, and thanked me for the food and for taking time, and that I was the only person who had talked to him in the whole month. I was sad again thinking JESUS you are normal in there somewhere, would I be crazy in this situation?? Everyone is looking at him, has been since we got here, thats going to make someone paranoid in the end right??? But I just said it was nice to talk to him and left.

I got into bed wondering if Tim knew that he was crazy, if he was devastated knowing what he had just done, or if he didnt even realise or care. Who knows, but I do know that it was probably daft of me and that he is definately a skitzo and thats not safe for me. Dont worry, Im ok and I learnt the hard way Mother Theresa cant save everyone, but something inside me tells me I might see Tim again and I will stay safe and not go anywhere with him, but I do want to give him some blankets but will tell him to go to the shelter.

Im glad Tim got fed and listened to. For someone with no money on the streets feeling like a loser and being a skitzo, your life is over...the state wont support you, give you meds, so Tim is screwed if he beleives hes just in a program set up by the mafia... Lets face it he's not exactly going to ask for help if he thinks 'they' are after him anyway. You never know though, maybe in ten years time I'll see the true story of Tim Dugan the new President!

I saw Tim again over the next 2 nights, his spot is just by my hostel on a really busy main street with loads of bars. I kind of knew Id see him, so I had got him a towel, one of my books Id read, some food and water from the shelter. I went over to him and said Hi Tim, he was a little startled and said hello. I asked him if he felt calmer tonight and if he was going to shout again, he said no but didnt look at me. I said 'Listen, my dad has bipolar and manic depression I understand that people have problems, do you think you might have a problem?' He just looked up and said 'Thats what they say, but I cant afford the meds....' I could see he felt awkward so I said well I got you some things you might like, a book and cake and stuff. He said thanks but that he didnt want to talk, he felt like a loser. I told him I didn't think so, but I'll leave you be as you wish. I popped into my hostel feeling like crap, urghhhh why is the torment so bad!
I grabbed some hot chocolate and turkey sandwiches and stuffed a $20 bill into the buttie bag, ran back out and said listen I feel like we're not friends but thats not the case ok? Whatever you said to me the other night is your story that you believe, which is fine with me, what wasnt fine was to shout at me and make me feel frightened, you shouldnt do that to anyone. He said he'd like it if we went back to friends and munched the turkey butties sat on the pavement and that was that.

Before I left him I asked him if there was anything he needed from the shelter, we discussed him joining a program there but he'd already tried there and felt the christianity too much to handle. He asked for some pants (he wears shorts and a tatty rain jacket) as his legs were freezing and that was it, I was like really?? But thats all he asked for. I told him Id meet him back at the same busy spot on xmas day at 9pm after Id finished work.

Xmas Eve and after the office Im in the ER Shelter and the lady working there has spent her own money to make a big party for the ladies and kids, shes cooked food and bought goodies and is excited to make a great night for everyone. Some new faces again, and I learn different stories on the paths that led the women here. Some escaping violence, others escaping abuse to themselves, or to their kids, or both, some not being able to make rent and support their kids and had homes taken off them by the greedy banks, some addicts, a lot of elderly who cant afford rent and have no family to help, some mexicans with 19 day old babies who jumped the border and gave birth on the streets so that their baby would be US citizen and have better life, some crazy, disabled elderly who cant afford health care and ended up on streets, a med grad with a disabled son not given the support for childcare so she cant work, the list is endless...
Its Xmas eve so for tonight its partytime!!! The tunes go on and we make a dancefloor for the kids to go crazy on the zillion sweets and pop, and the mums all chat and laugh and presents get dished out and I am having an amazing experience, an eye opener, a life changing moment and then my karma hits me...a chomp on a crisp and my front tooth falls out. YES YOU HEARD RIGHT. MY FRONT TOOTH FALLS OUT.

Dont sweat the small stuff. Does this apply now??? Karma my ass.

You may remember a note a million reading hours away about last year being awful and having multiple painful dental ops, well it came back to kick me in the face and knock my tooth out and to my horror I have to smile (closed mouth) and ask for glue (closed mouth muffled scary voice) and with some kids paper glue attempt to glue my tooth back in panic sweating in the toilet. Does anyone have any gum??? Nobody in the Shelter notices of course, its quite normal for many people to have zero teeth on the streets because of poor hygiene. I however have been 'blessed' with bone disease which has resulted in 3 bone and gum grafts over 2 years, and some unecessary veneers to try and help with gum alignment. Well things didnt go to plan really... I figure there's nothing I can do, and remember that I have a bed, warmth, safety and food. I last out the night sucking on the tooth to keep it in, just before midnight Im given the warmest xmas cheers and hugs when I leave from the women & kids. I manically try find a store open on xmas eve night with superglue and make some emails to dentists, but I figure its not going to be fixed until after the holidays so I need to not eat corn on the cob or anything at all really and try stay positive. I hate being ugly though, however superficial that sounds it was awful seeing Hank staring back at me with no tooth URGH. Stop visioning it!

Xmas morning I acccept a whale whatching cruise offer with Bonnie my dorm mate from West Virginia with an extremely funny (but not really considering the kids at the shelter) story about a brat who in her words 'was gonna spit on his xmas presents!' We get to the boat at the harbour and a massive gang of the homeless women from the shelter were there hanging out with their kids. They get kicked out everyday at 730am, and it was about 9am. The kids all ran over to me screaming Michheelllle happy xmas grabbing my legs!! I walked over to the gang and the ladies were all so smiley and gave me xmas hugs and it was just dead nice. Its nice to feel hugged and loved wheverever you are in the world, and if I feel lonely, what must they feel, yet still they are so smiley and filled with hope.

I feel guilty about getting on the $35 cruise, when I could take them all for some hot drinks (but remembers Tim). I get my head round it and me and Bonnie set sail and I doze watching the stillness of the ocean and the fog that hugs the waves. Sunny San Diego it aint! After a couple hours the fog clears out at sea and we spot a pod of 300 strong wild dolphin and a 40ft humpback whale RESULT! What an amazing xmas morning, we fill up on fresh cream hot choccies and say our goodbyes. I sleep the rest of xmas day in my dorm bed all alone with one tooth and no xmas dinner and a date with Tim the hobo to look forward to after working in the shelter this evening.

When I got to the Shelter that night the ladies whom I met in the morning at the harbour were like, 'Michelle did you not feel embaressed today when we hugged you and talked to you??' and I said 'what??? embaressed?? why on earth would being able to see my new friends make me embaressed' and they were all like 'Michellllllle you're like a movie star!' hahahahaha no wonder I love working there hey 😊 I should put that on my CV for the production casting job I was scouted for in Hollywood??

The shelter let me take jeans, sleep pants, 3 tshirts, a brand new fleece, a fleece rain jacket, socks, hygiene bag, and a massive bag of food and a hot plate of sausage pasta for Tim. I met Tim and he looked really tired, he hadn't eaten all day, said there were too many crazies to handle in the salvation army queue for xmas day dinner and he couldnt get into the other places. He woofed the pasta so quickly in front of me in the street and I told him I wouldnt be seeing him again as I was moving on. I felt kinda sad..... and he just said through tired eyes, thanks for your help, thanks for not being mean to me and thanks for being a friend. I wanted to hug him, but just touched his arm and he flinched and walked off with his head down dragging his broken suitcase, ignored by the rest of the world...Sad hey?

I looked out my hostel window and Tim had disappeared off to his parking lot to sleep and hopefully be warm in his new jeans and fleece and maybe thinking about changing his life somehow... A discussion with Rob and his brilliant research and calls to Homeless help on how we can save Tim, leads to numbers he can call to get food vouchers, medical attention but I dont see Tim again....I cant find him 😞

Thats just one person in 8000 homeless that they have here in San Diego that they know of.
I definately know the USA is not for me and I will never live here, its just too fucked up. Tim could get meds if healthcare and support systems were right, he could then function normally all of the time not just 90% and he could get a job and be productive to the economy, and people would be safer and there would be less crime surely. How do people live here being able to get on with life with a starving little old lady outside their house freezing to death? I just dont get it. The greedy Federal banks, Bush administration, its going to go POP!

So that was my last night at the Shelter, but I didnt feel ready to leave so who knows... I might put my head down and think of some ideas the Chelle way to support the homeless...
I can't promise I would never take a hobo for a meal again, but I will only approach in busy areas and definately steer clear of the obvious crazies, but the Tims out there make me sad. He was such a nice guy, so polite and loads of intelligence and although his clothes were filthy you could see he tried to keep himself tidy and clean, his beard all trimmed,his teeth clean, dirty hair hidden under his cap, just sad tired eyes. The stuff he was saying about how it is when you're homeless is true man. We do think EEEEEEEEEEEEEE stay away from that person!!! Dirty smelly EEEEEEE thats disgusting! But Jesus man, THEY HAVE NO AVAILABLE SHOWER AND SHOWER GEL RANGE! Im guilty of it definately. He said 'whose going to employ a homeless person like me when I cant look tidy for an interview, I cant use the free computers in the library as they wont let me in with my case and my case has been stolen 3 times by other homeless people, I dont have a home so have to register my address as the homeless centre which instantly gets a reject as employers just think you're going to rob them. Mostly I have no confidence... its all been taken away'

Maybe the mafia do have him on a program and that one day things will be ok for Tim. No need to worry! I'll turn a blind eye and switch off and go and sleep in my expensive condo and dine in fine restaurants and think the world is a happy place and San Diego is warm right so those guys will be fine. What a load of shite!

What a weird and wonderful xmas day.....No skypes from my fam or friends I might aswell shack up with Tim and my one front tooth and be done with it! Easy way to get my visa......

Boxing day TRIBE ARRIVES!!!! Im so excited to see them, ULTRA LONELY and ULTRA SAD and have missed
them SO MUCH. Busy day getting supplies, baby food, xmas decs, vino, sweatpants, carseat, bog roll, EVERYTHING!!!! Last stop is the logs for fire, moving to La Jolla condo, yeeaahhhhh no more bunkbeds for 2 weeks! The condo is gorgeous, has Windandsea beach at the end of the road, and is homely with its log fire and blankeys. Yes its still freezing, is all my ranting about good karma actually doing anything for me? The coldest winter San Diego has seen for years apparently. Horay. Daisy will be so pleased.

I screech into the airport with my homemade Welcome sign and pace the tiles anxious and am so excited, frantically pacing for around 30 minutes checking the arrivals board every 5. Then, I see them. I start jiggling my sign high above my head as they walk to the lift to come down a level. I jiggle and jump and wave and wobble and tears are coming UH OHHHH. LOOK AT ME WILL YOU!!!! They see me, my gorgeous mummy Fifi, beautiful sissy Daisy and cutest ever nephew Baby Santa Dylan is nearly 1, and has a baby Santa outfit on. He's travelled 16 long hours on a plane to be here, and Im so grateful to have them all. I manage to hold in SCREAMING MUMMY I NEED YOU throwing myself into her arms, and waggle the sign instead which on the back reads 'Who'd da fought it' a joke that we still laugh about since our Morrocco trip Pasty 😊 It does the trick and detracts the overwhelming ARRRAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH MUMMY SISSAAAA IVE MISSSED YOUUUUUUU feeling from popping out in full force.

They are really here. I am simply the happiest ever!

I grab the cases off the belt, yes that ones mine Fifi shouts and we make our way to the car. Your case is a bit wobbly mum? Hang on, let me see whats in it....er something all leopard skin and furry?? Why did you bring 'that'??? ITS NOT MY CASE!!! I quickly run the bondage case back to the belt and we get Fifi's and make our way to the condo. The tribe settle in and we scoff american chocolate goodies and talk talk talk update update touch hug smile, open pressies and I am grateful. So grateful for a family that loves me, and to feel this happy. The jet slags tell me about the AA air hostess daring to tell a tired Daisy on the 16hr flight that 5 people have complained about her clapping with Dylan her baby. BIG. MISTAKE.
'WHAAAAAAAAATTTT??? 5 PEOPLE???? WHO?? WHAT IDIOT HAS COMPLAINED ABOUT ME KEEPING MY 11 MONTH OLD BABY AMUSED ON A 16HR FLIGHT SO THAT HE DOESNT CRY. I TELL YOU WHAT I WONT FUCKING CLAP, AND HE CAN SCREAM THE FUCKING PLANE DOWN WILL THAT DOOOOOOOOOO??????' or something like that....

The hostess panics (probably in the same way I did when Tim screamed) and stammers that she wasnt complaining she was just 'passing on a message' WTF??? She backtracks and looks at cute Dylan happily clapping like a good baby and puts her arms out to him, Dylan of course squeaks in delight and puts his to her. 'Do you mind if I take him for a walk?' the scared hostess asks? Daisy grunts, and watches as the air hostess walks Dylan up and down the aisles as passengers all comment on how cute the little Santa is, funny that! Dylan rags the hostess jingle bracelet from her wrist and continues the rest of the flight jingle jangling it all the way to the tarmac, clapping replaced with jingle jangles nice one Dilldill! Sister you were totally in the right, you and mummy did an amazing job bringing him here, claps and all!
The jet slags head to bed and Im left alone on the couch feeling like Ive eaten a massive roast, all content and happy. I fall asleep on the couch to endless adverts for fastfood and new medication to cure fatness without exercising.

Gooooood Morrrninggggg San Diegooooooooo! The tribe delight as the sun is out and Im chief chef for their holiday, want to spoil them. Big thick vege omlettes, toast and tea and more hersheys!! Help screams come from the bedroom and Dylan has christening the condo with his first ever 'freedom poo' URGH 😊 I dont see the total destruction but the freedom poo is almost camoflauged in the duvet pattern. The expert gets everything cleaned up but we cant fit the duvet into the washer so have to make do with handwashing the corner and hosing down Dilldill. Later on I find myself messing on her bed with my head in the freedom poo wet patch unaware... I guess its just another ingriediant to add to whats been in the locks after the fleas.

We hammer the theme parks mainly for Dylan (honest!), starting with Safari Park and there are baby elephants, zebras, lions sleeping in the sunshine and LOTS of people. Its tough on the jet slagged tribe and we power through the day taking turns holding Dylan as the poor little cutie struggles with time difference. We feast on a picnic and discover the veggie sticks are a winner with Dilldill and Fifi! Daisy is expert map reader and we get round the park in a few hours before tiredness takes over the tribe so we head back for an early lock down and sleep.

Fifi and I hit some early morning hot yoga and Im super impressed with how good she is, hmmmm wonder what practice shes been getting to be so flexible and good in heat? Im sure I hear a little 'parp' squeak out as she lunges into downward dog... now I know were me and Josh get it from. Fifi seems to love yoga and we sign up for the week, its dead good to be here with her Nameste and sweaty! The rain pours and we lounge around the condo for a bit before heading out for a drive to Solona Beach. Dylan wimpers most of the way, he's so confused and jet lagged with everything. Solona Beach is just past Del Mar and although the weather is crappy, some sun tries to break through the rain clouds and gives way to some rays and the beach looks alive as the white wash crashes into the rocks. The freeway does not stop buzzing, its back to back at all hours of the day with no give. Parts of it are 10 lane deep and its sheer madness, but Im a pro and the key rule is 'dont hesitate fool!'

Seaworld is FRRRREEEEZZZIIINNGGG day, its sunny but not too hot man around the 50-60's We wander through shark tunnels, they dont sleep you know how terrifying is that??? My absolute worst terror in the world! As we move along the tunnel with the fins slowly moving alongside the glass, teeth razor sharp waiting for that next bite Dylan suddenly makes a fast getaway down the handrail panel after being put down for a second Ha! He is FAST! Speedcrawl should be a new discipline at the Olympics as he would have the Gold. The sharks keep their dark eyes on the speedcrawler through the glass and Dylan Dare Devil simply bangs the glass giggling. GET US OUT OF HERE! We roam around the starfish were yet again DDD (Dylan Dare Devil) touches everything and up towards the mouth it goes Noooooooooooooo! The sea lions bark as the kids throw their fishes in and we opt for the Killer Whale display, the infamous Shamu! I am not a fan of theme parks to be fair, I think its cruel and sad for the animals but when you have kids, my morals are out the window and we pack the candy floss into gobs, buy the merchandise and chant SHAMU SHAMU SHAMU with the rest of the 1000 people there. DDD is up on Fifi's legs doing the SHAMU wave with the rest of the crowd, flapping his arms around dead excited, but hasnt got a clue why, just excited that we're excited and lets out cute squeals! The Killers are gigantic and I feel bad about supporting their lives trapped in a pool....SHAMU SHAMU SHAMU!!! Come on Dylan!!!

Before the show started, a honory acknowledgement goes out to all that had served, or are still serving in the forces in their lifetime, and they are asked to stand and be recognised. It was a pretty emotional sight watching the faces around me suddenly stand, women, old men, young boys, faces of all shapes sizes, all with a story to tell... There was so many... I was pretty choked, not what I had expected whilst ramming the candy into my gob waiting for a somersaulting whale, to be actually hit with reality and I felt the tears well up as I clapped loudly along with the 1000's of others in the crowd, but in my head I wondered why we were still fighting, and what exactly were we fighting for? Then I thought of Grandad fighting in WW2 in the subs being barrel bombed by German warships... We honestly don't know we're born... What did heros like my grandad do it for, a better world for our generation and look at the state of it. GREED.

Back to Seaworld, Im not a revolutionist. Ive had too much sugar. After Shamu we head back via Mount Solidad for the best view of San Diego from the top of the mountain just before sun sets. Fifi had been laughing about her boho playsuit looking like Pj's in the morning and as we walked to the edge of the mountain, I heard in a loud american accent 'Look mom, that lady over there is wearing her peejammies' As I froze in horror wondering if I had just heard right and if mum had heard it, I started to turn as I heard 'Excuse me miss, but are they your peeejammiess?' My face was in shock looking for whoever was saying this, when I saw Daisy....giggling with her head out of the car window...'Peeeeejammieesss!' Hahahhaa! I almost died thinking someone was dissin the ginge! Fifi laughed her head off and all of sudden I thought about the fact they were gonna leave me again... Back to the condo for a BBQ on our terrace and cosytime on the couch with dvd and chrissy chocolates, RRRRRRRRRRRR BLOODY LOVE IT!!! Get by me now Dylan, stop wriggling and LOVE me, mummy fall asleep the second the dvd comes on will you, nothing changes and I quite like it that way 😊 My new roomate has a 'little' snoring issue so the headplugs get wedged in and I remember that its way better than 10 bed dorm living with strangers, dis my blood man!

Not to slow the theme park march we head to San Diego Zoo, first stop the kids petting zoo and DDD is straight in there as usual touching the smelly goats. Daisy is such an amazing mummy and its great to be around seeing her so at ease with Dylan (although I wasnt on the plane, poor Fifi). We mooch through the African section, gaze at lions sleeping on abandoned cars, I love Lions being a leo there are easily the best in the food chain, great mane, big appetite, a leader, lazy, nice to stroke with a lethal bite. Sums up pretty well right Leos? There are tons of gazelles, which make me think of Buffalo... Will nicknamed us Gazelle and Buffalo because of the way we both ran, me all springy and him, well like a buffalo charging, but they both always grazed together. Its funny what you call each other in a relationship, pet names, I suppose its better than bitch and twat, which were probably more revelant. Sometimes. We take a Skyride across the park and Fifi clings onto the rail and DDD and Daisy, she somehow has three hands?? Errrr what about me, arent you worried about me falling? DDD lurches over the side gawping and clapping at the trees and animals underneath us, and much to Fifi's horror we take the Skyride back again, but settles for some camera action to take the mind off the fear 😊 Go Fifi! Some mexican young boys take a shine to Dylan, and how blue his eyes are. Everyone we meet takes a shine to him, and its easy to see why he's so cute with his Elvis curls, big blue Daisy eyes, cute symmetrical 4 front teeth, and trendy converse and jeans, and he is always smiling (if not trapped by pram, buggy, carseat, arms, hands, legs, mummy, just dont trap him!) Not content with all the junk food we scoff pizza for tea and settle in for another early night, seriously tribe we have to do better than 7pm! It starts getting dark by 5.30 so its time out for the jet slags!

New Years eve we head to Windandsea beach, picnic and all! Its so chilled and Dylan snoozes before waking up to his first experience of a beach, he's unsure of the sand and pulls his legs up as we try and put him down on it. He finally braves it and as we're all happily making sand castles a stray wave heads straight into us and its every woman for herself as we all automatically jump up, who's grabbing Dylan!! DDD takes it all in his stride and just looks at us madly panicking and laughing and why didnt we get a picture! After the sand finds its way to poor Dylans eye (his mouth and nappy are already full of it) we head back to nap before we venture out to San Diego Bay for midnight. After a BBQ on the terrace and some champers and silly hats the tribe hit the sack and I vege out on couch patrol. WAKE UP KIDS its time to go! Tired little faces get up and smile and get in the spirit immediately yeehhhhhhh! We grab the party pack of champers, popcorn, hats and horns (no Fifi don't blow it at Dylan, bad Granny, he cries! But just do it one more time and see...He cries! Bad Granny!) We get to San Diego Bay Pier and other hopefuls arrive expecting some firework action, the skyline is littered with colourful lights and there is a feeling in the air of happiness. The Navy Boat is docked and is decorated with lights, and some cheerful party people pile out with their horns ready, we pop the fizz and Dylan (aka Baby Santa) gets a little taste from Granny (naughty Granny again!!!) The party cruise boats line the Bay and the din of chatter and music and screams can be heard from the pier. Funny how different my life is now, years ago Id be hammered falling off a partyboat of some sort, losing a bag or phone, wrecking my shoes, spending all my cash on a crappy club I wouldnt remember Ha! If that was you this year, you gotta embrace it! Never regret it 😊 My life may have stood still for many party years, but its happened now and its time to move forward to something more fufilling.

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Fog horns blare across the Bay from the boats, and the screams and singing can be heard everywhere. I grab my tribe and squeeze them so hard and we are all here together in this present moment, enjoying the happiness and yes we really are all in San Diego at the pier on NYE. Dylan is baby Santa trying to grab more champers and we stand together and watch the boats bounce in the waves with the party madness as the horns continue and we smile united. (my tooth is still superglued in so no scarey smiles from me)

The next four days days we hit more yoga, La Jolla Shores sunsets, Escondido, Mount Laguna, El Capitan Lakes, downtown, and Santa Monica. We get our first diner experience and the strawberry shake is a big hit, everything is HUGE and Dylan throws everything possible on the floor whilst Granny eats his pancakes 😊 At the top of Mount Laguna its snowing YES SNOWING, and I laugh at the probability of flying my tribe out from the snow to the snow?? They lap it up and get out for a play, when a strange limping man approaches me in the car.

'Hello Ive been filming you'

Er what???? Turns out he works for an online magazine and wants to use the material he just filmed of mummy and the gang playing in the snow. As I turn to check its ok with them, Daisy and Fifi have pulled out the lippy and blusher and fixing their hair insisting they do a take 2.
I have horrendus dental appointment in Santa Monica, to fix the tooth but it doesnt go smoothly since the original work by my UK dentist was botched, and so he preps me for further remedial work for when my tribe have left and leaves me with a solid temp GIMP tooth which looks HORRIFIC, but its fine, DONT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF, just need painkillers and mummy tlc. The tribe are shopaholic for the day cruising the promenade and soaking up some much needed sunshine. Dylan was not playing ball, so everyone is exhausted and we head home and hit LA peak traffic and my toothpain braves the carpool lane as we jet through the ongoing stream fortunately. How do people live this life all the time?? Traffic is mental, the pollution on the seas skyline shows there is way too much traffic, its going to go POP I warn you! Safely home I neck the Valium and head to bed muttering about the traffic. I think Ive caught the mutter from Fifi, everything that we say Fifi always has an answer for ha! Much to my delight as always she loves the banter and plays on it even more, so there is never any let up on the muttering hahahahahahaaaaaaa love you Fifi you mutter nutta!!!!

5th January Dylans 1st Birthday can only be spent at DISNEYLAND really, its for him not us, nooooo I'd never go to Disneyland usually but we can't let Dylan down can we!
MICKEY EARS!!!! GLITTER MICKY EARS, FEATHER MICKY EARS, MINNIE EARS, MICKEY MAGIC EARS, THERESSSSSS MICKEY AND MINNNIEEEEEE!!!!! MICKEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY! We line up for 'Dylan' to get his pic with Mickey and the crew, Dilldill tries to rag Mickeys nose, then Plutos, then later on Minnies eyelashes ha! I almost pull Pluto, Im sure that dog put his paws on my trunk. We feast on Junk ALL DAY, fries and burgers and pop and sweets and cookies and gummies and ice cream and and and and its for DYLANS BIRTHDAY!! nomnomnomnomnom

We ride the teacups, when did they get so fast? Maybe all that junk wasn't such a good idea after all sissy??? A trip to toontown and an invite to Minnies house (even though Dilldill ragged her lashes) its all Disney USA bonkers and rammed with sugar high kids. LETS GO TO FANTASIA CASTLE NOOOOWWWW PLEEEEAASSSEEEE MOMMMMMM. Oh did I really just scream that, enough gummies . We take in the delights cruising in gear 2 through the park, and as we take Woody Shuttle back to the car, mum and I smile as we hear chatterbox at the front of the bus gushing about Dylan and talking to everyone that will listen and adore her cute baby. AAAAarrrrrr I bloody love you sister, nothing changes chatterbox! We end the day in pizza heaven. I know how to do junkfoodday.com. BELLYS GONNA GET YA!
I speak with Will, and hes working in Austria private cheffing for mega rich ski folk and its nice to hear from him and I realise how much Ive missed him. We promise to keep in touch more and Im hopeful that we can keep this good vibe between us.

Mummy and I head to Orange County for the day, whilst Daisy recharges and hangs out with Dylan. Shes almost 5 months pregnant and doing amazingly well, being a great mum, planning to finish college, look for a new home, my little sisters world is changing again and I worry about not being around for her...I always worry about her, much to her dismay! I remember Natcho asking me in Canada if I felt I was being myself travelling, to which I said of course, but he was referring to that special language you have with your close friends and family. We all have different ways of communicating to each other and I know what he means. Daisy and I do have our unique way of speaking to each other, we know what it means, we can have a full conversation without actually ever saying anything. Most importantly we both 'get it' Ooooookkkkkaaaaayyyyyy saaaa saaaa saaaa saaaaaaa! I do of course have lots of other lingo for my people out there, Bef Fend, Twizbomb, Gdiddy, Grizzer, Biatch, Tabitha, PP (theres actually 3 of you, Im not sure how that happened) and of course THE GINGE - our one and only Fifi (mummy), you all know which dictionary to use.

Fifi and I head to Laguna and find our way onto the coastal route which is much more scenic and less suicidal than the freeway. We settle for a little cove beach just before we get into Laguna, and a local tells us he's spotted dolphin and a whale in the distance. We grab a seat in the sand and screen the water for the action. The dolphins are easy to spot, as they herd the fish into balls the herons divebomb the water for a sneaky free meal, then in the distance beyond the dolphins jumping, and the birds divebombing there is the distinctive water spray from the whale. Its always a pure delight to be able to witness this, that there is a massive whale out there taking his 5 or 6, 10 feet dives before taking his 40 foot dive for about 6 or 7 minutes before resurfacing again to repeat the same. Im so glad Fifi got to see it, bit different to Shamu's world backflipping to the roar of a thousand sugar high kids banging on the glass 😞

The local guy who pointed out the whales is diving through the waves in his wet suit playing about with some kind of device, Im nosey and decide to go and chat to him. Before I get the chance some giggly girls run over to him and ask for a picture, now get one with her, now her, now all of us together with you, now you on your own, who is he??? Now I feel I cant go be a big geg, sod it I can. I dont recognise him as anyone famous but he's friendly and tells me his filming the waves as they curl in, just for fun, its his day off work so he's just jusing his neat little cam and filming wave curls, as you do. I sit on the couch all day with a blankey, snacks, and Americans next top model on my days off back home. I DONT BELONG IN UK! I want to be filming wave curls 'just for fun!'. Fifi and I talk life, futures, projects, relocation, family, everything really and suddenly our stomachs realise we've missed lunch so we head to Laguna for some clifftop munch of mexicano delights. The day starts to lose its light and we stroll on the beach and watch a newly wed couple get the winning shots with the burning red sunset backdrop. QUICK mummy steal the shot! No not the husband, put them away! After a chilled day with Fifi, Daisy is rested and we head to the flics to watch 127 hours, a true story about a canyoneur who has to make a life changing decision. Watch it, it will make you want to know your survival skills, Ive mentioned it before but if you've got the bucks and the time chekc out NOLS, its a worldwide organisation specialising in everything from mountain climbing, avalanche awareness, kayaking, basic outdoor skills and you get a qualification too.

HE CUTS HIS ARM OFF!

Sorry but that had to come out. Not only does he cut it with a blunt knife, he has to break it first when he realises the blunt knife wont go through bone. Gore aside, the survival skills he has to actually reach a point where there is no other option are amazing. I want. I already know how to break my arms, go to a poorly supervised gym with no mats to cushion a fall from monkey bars 9 feet high you should never been allowed to do in the first place as a beginner. Anddddd breeattthhhheeeee! Karma. Determination. Focus.

Daisy gets her pizza ordered to her cinema seat, ha only in America baby! We hide under our hats through the gore and enjoy the sistertime and puppy snuffles 😊 The next day we hit Balboa park, it houses multiple museums and culture innit. We set up base in the sunshine next to the botanical garden building and chomp through our picnic as Dylan chomps on the flowers speedcrawling toward the coy carp pond. Kicking back with my tribe mannnnn LOVE! I get a randon phone call from a journalist from San Diego News, she wants to interview me on my experience at the Shelter as they run a volunteer spot and the Shelter had put me forward as top swot volunteer yeeehhhhhhh! We spend 30 minutes chatting about what I did, why I did it, what I found hard, what I liked, what was I doing in San Diego, all very exciting! The interview will be published in a few days and they will send me a copy. Its nice to be acknowledged and appreciated, it makes you want to do it again, although Ive always had that Mother Theresa bug in my DNA I think. We take a tram around part of the park and Dylan gets more first time experiences and he's so cool sitting in his own seat all conversed up grinning with his symmetrical teeth. We head back to the condo, and mummy and I have a dinner date at La Jolla Shores, our last supper together....just her and me. We scoff italian breads and creamy pasta and swill red italian wine and rev up each others goals and projects for the coming months and futures. I know mummys are always meant to be supportive of whatever you want to do in life, warts and all, but mine goes beyond (cant shake her off to be fair!) Kidding! Thanks Fifi for always being there for me...even if you are a ginge, I love ya! I fall into a food coma and start dreading Monday....

Saturday SUNSHINE beats down on us as we drive out over Coronado bridge, its so high on skinny stilts with teeny shoulders and narrow lanes, water underneath, it feels like a giant stick insect. We find our way to the state beach before getting scared when some homies pull up next to us in a low rider and watch us play on the sand. Right next to the Mexican border is not really a place to take chances with a baby in the car (and you're the only ones on the beach), so we dont risk it, pack into the car and depart....followed by the homies. They go their seperate ways at the crossing, but still mummys got her perfume out and putting her lippy on again ready for some action, whilst Daisy is pulling a moonie in the window ;-) We check out the quaint streets and the famous Coronado hotel, once the largest in the world in the 1800's when first built and it still holds the style so well. We play around on this beach and Daisy and race to the water like when we were kids forced to brave the cold at Caldy beach with mum and Josh. She may be almost 5 months pregnant but she has that Langton competitive streak and legs it to the water, I watch her laughing carefree and happy and grab her hand and we squeeze palms as we walk back to the soft sands.

SHADOWS....I cant bear that Monday is getting closer. Ignore it, enjoy the present moment. Be in the present.

Another BBQ on the terrace and DVD night with the logfire and couch cuddles, Fifi's asleep as soon as we hit play of course 😊 Last day in paradise and we head along the coastline lapping in the rays which have turned up a notch, spotting lycra bums bobbing on bike seats, surfers, bikers, runners, everyone is enjoying being healthy and its great. Our destination is Oceanside and we find our way to the promenade and I take a cheeky 40 winks with Dylan as Daisy and Fifi model shoot on the beach playing in the waves. We scoff some lunch at the Jolly Roger and Dylan makes friends with everyone in there giving high fives, waving, clapping just being generally cute as usual, its hard not to love him. Lunch is walked off down the pier spotting the surfers catch their waves and the fisherman catch their dinner. Its a perfect last day, but the realisation starts to set in as we pack our cases ready to leave the next morning. Its up early and a manic panic last minute packing and cleaning, we're giving loads of our xmas stuff to the shelter, Dylans blankets, babygrows, car seat, nappies and food, and mummys fave sweatpants and all our lounge around gear.

I hate airport goodbyes, I always like to ditch at the drop zone and make a run for it, but its too hard to leave... The tribe check in to American greedytwat Airlines who dont have a spare seat for Dylan, or a vege meal for ginge. God help them. A quick Fog before the moment Ive been dreading and all of a sudden Im hugging them goodbye...I feel like they havent even been here 2 minutes, we havent had enough time, I haven't had enough time,

THERE IS NO MORE TIME...

I cant even look at mummy (whose nose is already illuminous red) and Daisy and Dilldill keep it cheery clapping and waving every step through the security gates. I battle to keep it together through my tears and seeing Fifi tears...COME BACK! Im rooted to the ground, they wave a final time and Im still stuck watching their backs walk away from me back home. For the first time Ive been away, I want to go home.... I want to be on that plane, with a hungry no vege meal mummy and tired no spare seat Dylan and scarey threaten air hostess Daisy. I want to be right there with them. I cant see them anymore, I guess I have to leave... I sit in my car in the parking lot for ages, knowing as soon as I pull out its really over, they've gone. I find my secret goodbye cards and tears fall reading mummies and laughs through snot blasts out reading Daisys and the freedom poo! I bloody love them 😊
Get a grip.

I drive to the Shelter and meet Debbie and get a much needed hug, and give her the final donations for the Emergency room for the women and kids. Shes so warm and kind, and I take advantage of her hugs for my own selfish reasons and she says her god fuelled goodbyes and blessings. As I hit the freeway in a daze heading back to L.A. I give Grandad a call to get some more TLC, which hits the spot. He asks me what I think about the USA, and I tell him its not for me and we talk about the homelessness, healthcare, capitalism, greed, traffic, pollution and so he asks me seriously... 'Have you thought about Rock Ferry?' Class! I love him, funny bugger! "Yeah Grandad, I thought about Rock Ferry, but you cant go topless there so I dont think it would work for the nudists at the retreat' he replies 'Dont worry Ive been doing some research and I can assure you, you can!' HA! He's too quick 😊

The next few days I spend at Venice Hostel being miserable and homesick. When I meet my new dorm mates they are chatting about the new cover of Elle magazine, and slag off Sarah Jessica Partner. I immediately hate them. I settle in for much needed sleep, jogging, blogging, fogging! The next morning I take an early walk down the beach after jog for some breaksfast and blogfog when a guy with a pushchair approaches me, 'Hey there, can I walk with you?' I peer into the pram and coo at the baby, I miss Dylan speedcrawling after me so much (even waiting outside the loo for me!), and he blurts 'IM NOT WITH HIS MOM!'...'Oh ok, er he's really cute. Listen Im not sure where Im heading so....' I tell him, but he continues 'Want some dope pretty sweet girl?? I mean do you smoke it, we could go get high??' Are you kidding me!!! Its 8.30am in the morning, you are taking your BABY for a walk, you try and hit on me, and want to get high??? Come on, seriously are you really ON. I politely refuse (in Joanna Lumely posh disgusted tone) and manage to make a getaway . Venice Boulevard has heaps of homeless lined up along the sides mixed in with artists selling their pieces, hippies selling beads, homies selling weed, all in front of $10 million beachfront condos. Nice! There are amazing murials on the walls, Bob Marley, The Doors and its a really interesting place and has a good vibe to it. Cows End Cafe has a studylounge and I vege out blogging, people watching and a call from Will tells me his path may be going to Kenya to work in his dream job 'Wild Fitness' which is great for him, but our conversation ends in sourness disappointingly.

I move back to Santa Monica hostel for my last 7 days, familiarity helps when you feel lost. Sometimes you have to lose yourself completely to be able to find yourself again. I grab some hill run training and hot yoga sessions ready for my half marathon on Sunday. Its in aid of world vision, my grandad put me onto sponsoring kids from South America after Will and I had travelled there a few years ago and been exposed to the kids in poverty. I feel its a great cause, and a perfect opportunity to kick start getting more disciplined with my running again since my accident, and hopefully conquering clubfoot. Before the race its that time again! Self analysis: Missing front Hank tooth glued in with superglue, dank hair, BELLYS GONNA GET YA, overgrown allover body hair, crusty feet from running, unloved nails. Its a hard place to be when you look like SHITE. LA is full of models and actors and although Im trying not to give a shit about appearance, I need a makeover. Euni tips me off for a salon chop and my dank locks are transformed to surfer locks again, eye lashes curled to flutter perfection (Daisy you will make a fortune when you graduate at college, I paid $50!!) Hands and Feet rubbed and polished, and finally the 'lady' maintenance.

'Er....brazilian please???'

The sweet little asian lady takes me to a room and in broken english tells me to take off my pants. I take off my jeans. She points again, take of the pants. The knickers???? Er why??? I feel like a tourist prude so awkardly pull off the knickers and lie on the bed.

ROBBED!!! Molested and ROBBED!!!

Brazilian don't mean Brazilian in Los Angeles honey! Before I can do a think, she has whacked on the wax pulled a few painful strips, lifted the legs (think SATC Carrie style) and done the gooch and ass before you can say "Errrrr I think I WANT TO DIE!!!" How painful! How embaressing! As a Hollywood (thats what we call all off in the UK) Virgin, its an experience that needed vodka beforehand to loosen up and cope with the shame of having your ladygarden fiddled with in the most humilating way by a stranger. Not the first time for most of you I bet though?? Its BRITTANY BITCH!!! hahahahahaa 😊 I get an email from the shelter as my headline appearence in the newspapers has been published so they sent me a copy yeeeehhhh!!!

Tooth gets fixed at the dentist all horrendus and I have several mini heart attacks in the chair but its all over for now and I just have to pray (theres that god reference again) that the other teeth dont start falling out. Sundays raceday and Im fired up and setting myself a slow 11 minute mile pace, got the Garmin, thanks Bro, so ready to go! A rookie called Gina asks me if she can run with me since its her first time and shes really nervous. Shes only 20 and really cute and I agree of course, but advise her that Im running a slow one as Im not sure how my injury will flare up. Shes fine with that, wants to complete under 2 1/2 hours. The race starts and around 4000 runners cheer as we get through the startline. Against my own advice to the rookie we start out fast, as always the adrenalin takes over and we fly through the first 4 miles around a 10mm pace. A friend had advised to take the race in 4 mile chunks which feels much better than thinking of it as a whole. Rookie keeps running ahead but I keep the 10mm pace and suggest she slow down or she'll burn out. The race takes us down Venice beach and straight down Venice Boulevard and back up again, there are rock bands every 2 miles on stages blasting out the beats in shades and the supporters are brilliant. The race started at 7am so Im sure half of these people havent been to bed... We fly to 8 miles and I feel good, potholes and all! Still averaging around 10mm and rookie starts to slow uh oh... I fear shes hit a wall, I feed her some sugar blocks and slow us to 10.30mm and as we reach mile 10 she has slowed right down to 12mm. My heart sink as I my Garmin reads 1hr 53 and Im only just past mile 10, my PB time a couple of years ago with Will in the Liverpool half, my fittest ever. I urge the rookie to not give up, but she has to stop and assures me to go on without her. Ive lost my pace and my zone and slowing had made the knees seize. I battle through the finishline with a 2hr 18 time, officially my PW (personal worst) Horray! Its actually quicker than I had expected, with an average pace of 10.32 mm, better than my predicted 11. So Im happy! I wait for the rookie to finish which is only about 6 minutes later and her mum and boyfriend are there to congratulate her, and I walk (limp) back to my hostel along the beach alone wearing my shiny medal with pride. A lady walking her dog suddenly snaps me out of my daydream 'Congratulations!' she beams and I give her a big smile and feel great to have a stranger give me the congrats my family arent here to give me right now. This calls for skype with Fifi, and I have a gleeful bounce in my step as I proudly get to my hostel still wearing my big medal 😊 Mummy makes me feel good again, god I miss her and we skype for hours until it feels normal again, I start to feel the achilles ache and the belly crave more protein after I ram the tuna pasta and boiled eggs in one after another. Sleep. Satisifed. Sleep.

I yoga out the rest of the week, hooking up with a girl Dave Barton introduced me to Candace, and shes lovely. Earthy, warm and super cute freckles she treats me to an amazing cupcake and a new evening yoga class which is tough but amazing, even better when the teahcer plays Pink Floyd! Thanks Dave for the intro, and for the TUUUUNES you're a star.I meet up with Michelle Gallego for dinner and Sangrias, shes good fun to be around and we chat work and Bizarre, and most importantly men! The food and night goes way too quickly and we promise to meet in Coachella in April when Im back again. Rob has driven down from San Fran so we grab a late London Fog and discuss Tim failed rescue missions, brazilians and New Zealand! I better book my accomodation, Im becoming too relaxed maybe?? Not an itinery in sight! Its D day for Bizarre tomorrow, and although Im ready to hear about its closure, Im still hoping for a last minute miracle.

The miracle doesnt happen, Bizarre days are over :-(

All my friends and family, ex co-workers are all made redundant over 200 talented amazing people and it fucking sucks. I catch up on emails to friends about the news and FB is too sad to read. Skype to my little Helen on how she is coping is really tough on her and I feel bad as Ive let her down recently on top of everything else. I hope she knows I love her and understands, I will make it up to you I promise. I get to see my extended family, dad on form as usual and its brilliant to see them all 3 kids and dog included! Rob and I head to Los Felix for some luncgh, Griffith Park Obsevatory for some views (although its so hazy and polluted you cant see anything!) we stalk the mansions in 'The Hills' gaze at mexico, no hang on its LA dowtown, I thought it was Korea? Cant tell everything is in spanish, get us out of here! I learn of a crazy homeless guy shooting an innocent lady driving in her BMW in Beverely Hills, see the Masons slaughter zone and think about the fake lives that people have in LA were everyone wants to have sex with a celebrity and get on TV, all have the Triple T syndrome (tan, tits n teeth), traffic is NUTS, no roots or history everyone is passing through. Its not for me, sorry Lauren Conrad I simply cant be the new girl in 'The Hills' besides everyone knows about Hank, Belly, and hairy parts so game over really.

I meet up with Candace again for final yoga evening, and I wish Id have got to spend more time with her, we get on really well, hopefully we'll meet again in Coachella. Sara, my IT girl in London has us VIP tickets for the festival so we can bed that celebrity and get on TV with out TTT BONUS!!!!!! Last day tomorrow, Rob and I are gonna hang out around Melrose, before he heads to San Diego for surf and I head to NEW ZEALAND BITCH!!! An email from Ian the farmer we stayed with last year offering a room at the farm leaves me with a smile, kiwi's are just ace, love them!

Packed it Booked it Fucked off!

To be continued in New Zealand.......

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Comments

[linzi filice]

Be careful
Chelle, that also was brill, got bit upset at the beginning to read about your dad , that is very sad. I also wanted to give you a hug when you fell over, be careful will you, you are still recovering supergirl. Also i would have been shitting myself in that motel, it sounded like a horror movie jsut reading it never mind staying there. I am the biggest scerdy cat i have watched too many horrors and you are so brave. I take it you love Canada and i hope you go back if that's how you feel. So where's next i can't wait to read. Take care and be careful i am worried sick about you at times staying with strangers, i am sure you are fine though. Bye for now and hurry up with the next episode. ha ha xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and hugs for you. xx

[Bro]

It was only a cold Chelle

[Chelle1975]

You said it was MANFLU! :) Swine x

[Kathie]

More More
Hi Chelle, cant wait for the next installment !!! Gotta get outta here !!! Might join you !!!! Have fun and keep up the blogging its great xxx

[Jenbob Wifeski]

PUPPET MOUTH....
Hahahahaha I CAN SEE IT!!! Sounds great but even I can hear Canada calling in the distance... Love you guuuuuuuurl. Be careful and remember those action man moves Bri taught you! Much love twizzaaaaa! xxxx

[alison morris]

Angel!!
Hey Baby!! Another Great read!! And yes i too felt a little sad, because you have been through alot..... So Glad our Josh got through his cold, and thank god your dad has such a wonderful and understanding daughter.... you stand by the people you love regardless of how they treat you!!! Will....... What can i say??? Lets hope one day he proves he can be your backbone!! But your doing great baby!! x You are an Inspiration!! And your limbs are doing great, your positive babe and well done for giving up the FAGS x High Five girlfriend x looking forward to the next chapter!! Loving it, loving and missing you x x

[alison morris]

Just checking!!!
I was just checking for an update....... you have me hooked!!! Its fab following your journey!! x I guess you are busy at the minute... but just so you know i am waiting for the latest update!! x As i am sure lots of people are x x love and miss you xx

[Rose Donnelly]

Inspiration
Wow Chelle, you are such an inspiration. Reading your blog makes me realise how little I do in my life. You are a strong, loyal and generous person who does what she sets out to do and I hope you are proud of yourself. Have fun xxx

[Fiona Langton]

Awesome!
Chelles! Its all so good, I'm so pleased you are at last doing something for you! Love reading the blog (not the scary bits, I have to pretend to myself they're just a story...) Cant wait to actually come out, yippee! New Year! Love yooooooou, Mummy xxxxxx

[Susy]

worra laff....
Love your lovely blog Michelle ....great to hear all your stories. Greatly look forward to subsequent chapters.....xxSusy and Oskar

[helen]

<Love
hey baby, god am loving everything yor writing, i feel like am there with you (i wish), obviously not with the fleas! your doing amazing travelling to all these wonderful weird places, its just incredible like you! keep up with the blog its so entertaining and lets us all know what your experiencing :-) love ya want ya miss ya lil hel xxxxx

[Suzanne]

WOW!!
I love, love, love the blog!!! Its sooooo interesting and loving all your thoughts on the different places and people. Especially San Fran as my sister lived there for 6 years and I've been quite a few times, so can totally relate to all your comments! Keep it coming and take care of yourself Suzanne xxxxx

[Fiona Langton]

MORE!
Hey Chelles, I need more!! Hurry up with the update please, or is Joshua taking up all your time? Love to you both xxxxxxx

[Jenbob Wifepants]

Its all goooooooood....
Ahhh more blog time yeaaaahhhh! All sounds pretty fantastic! I'll block out the bunny squeeks hahaha - that bunny would of been tea for a starving fox or something! Take it out your mind... blow up that balloon and let it drift high into the skies! Glad you've met Josh and your musical arses are getting you through the tough drives! That part about the pidgeon lady throwing btead at the couple made me laugh my head off! Love it! Cant wait to see you - TWIZZZZZZ RIGHT! Keep it real wife and stay safe! Give your Josh a a trombone fart from me :) xxxx

[robbie]

Your blog makes me want to get out in my own backyard with wider eyes on a broader path and somewhere new. Love reading a visitors real thoughts, reactions, and questions about the things we just accept as being. Haha....You can put down you tripod nunchucks in crime free Carmel. Clint Eastwood is the Mayor!.... Dirty Harry is keeping the peace.

[Andy]

Love the blog
Loving the blog Chelle and yes its making me want to move back. Your off to my area next, hope you enjoy San Diego and if you get stuck let me know.... Andy x

[Bungy Bill]

Merry Xmas! May have a buyer & if it happens will be out end of Feb xxoo Bill & Jude

[Egor]

From Russia
I am very glad read you interisting tell about your trip in USA. I hope sometime you find time and wish and make visit to Russia. Belive me in Russia having very nice place (Russian north) and e. t. c.

[Kathie J]

WOW
You should write chelle, your blog is fantastic. Looking forward to the next instalment xxx

[Fiona]

Miss you...
Just had a quick speed read through it... cant say much now, too sad. Take care, I'll write soon xxx

[J]

"You look like you've had a few free meals yourself" - sorry but could not stop laughing. Oh and it was at least 2 and a half hugs! In all seriousness, I enjoyed hearing more in depth about your experiences at the shelter - some real tear jerking moments. Keep jogging, blogging, dogging...

[linzi filice]

ciao bella
Hi there gorgeous, just caught up reading the rest of your blog, loved it once again, where are you now, New Zealand, how are you my love, hope your still having a fun time and are getting closer to your goal. How's the half marathon doing? I have been hammering the gym this week feel exhausted all to look slimmer, it's hard but hopefully will pay off. Think i'm going to the bizarre bash next week, sad hey. I am panicking so much for anth, he is so stressed along with 200 others but when it's you it's sucks and he is becoming ill with worry. I think he has to work away and leave us but until something comes up closer to home, that's what he has to do. Oh well at least we all have our health more importantly. Anyway have you decided where you want to open your retreat yet or do you have more places to visit yet? Your photo taking skills are amazing, i bet you have done a course haven't you? :) Anyway just wanted you to know that you are fab and i love reading your blog. Take care and hope to hear more soon xxx lots of kisses and hugs Linzi xx