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Published: February 14th 2006
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Grants Braes
The merry men from the Braes. Those not in uniform were injured during the tournament. Those in uniform were injured prior to the tournament. Well done lads!! February 4th,5th & 6th - SOCCER
There are many things that New Zealanders do that should be confined to New Zealand. Walk around barefoot at work… drink shit beer, and think it tastes great.... dance to the Hokey Tokey (not to be confused with the Hokey Cokey)… dress like your grandmother runs your wardrobe… etc, I could go on. However, the Masters Games is one thing that really needs to travel the world. It's kind of like an Olympics for Oldies like myself. The event lasts just over a week and includes a stack of different sports from underwater hockey, to poker, wood chopping, sheep shearing (of course), motorcycling and flying (presumably with some kind of assistance), alongside all your mainstream sports for gimps like me. Although this year’s championships did not include the Hokey Tokey or indeed beer drinking (at least not as official events) there were over 80 different events and around 5,000 competitors. Most of the events require you to be 35, though some are over 30 events and most have different age categories so if you can find a group of 50 yr olds who'll take part in a team event you're almost guaranteed an age
The victorious Hobbits
Winning the "Social" league is a bit like choosing your lottery numbers without placing your quid down and telling everyone you won the lottery. Still it beats mid-table in the competitive league. Well done the Hobbits!! group medal.
In preparation for the games I had been training with Green Island soccer team for several weeks, only to be whisked away to play for Grants Braes at the last minute due to a player famine in this club, and a lucrative signing fee (free socks). As a strict believer in the Masters philosophy "It's the participating not the winning" I was pleased when we drew Green Island in the first round, lost 2-0 and watched them go on to win the Gold Medal in a penalty shootout. We meanwhile, were left to reflect upon mid-table mediocrity with 2-wins, 2-losses and a 0-0 draw. What a thrill it was to participate!! To make matters worse, the club who I've been playing 9-aside astro-turf soccer with each week, called the Highgate Hobbits, (who I also chose not to play for) also won the Gold Medal in the "Social" over 35's competition. Still, as I was still high on the thrill of participation, I felt completely at ease downing several glasses of champagne with the hobbits on my way to oblivion on Monday night. Well done the Hobbits!
I'm not one for post-mortems. Well, actually I am, so
here goes. The 2-0 defeat by the GI boys followed a first half where we withheld an avalanche of pressure. The wind was against us and with four players failing to make it to the pitch due to injuries sustained in the previous week's warm-up game, we were always gonna be up against it. Towards the end of the first half our left-winger managed to beat his man down the sideline (defender tripped over a pot hole or something I guess) and whip a ball across (it was a sure thing goal kick until that wind kicked in) that splintered the keepers hands. Aware of the aerial deficiencies of this particular keeper having trained with him for 6 weeks, I burst through their defensive line and launched myself head first (horizontally) at a ball that I had no chance of getting, as it fell from the keepers hands, only to be bundled, by the defender and goalkeeper, into the side netting, in pretty much the same place as the ball. Imagine my delight as the referee awarded a goal kick.
Of course that's my version. The reality is I fell over, the ball hit my head and somehow ended
The Ingenius Head Mounted Toilet Roll Dispenser
Let's hope the copyright folk don't get onto me for this. With the number of hits I'm getting each day I could be on for a big fine. up in the side netting. The crowd fell about laughing and I limped away in disgrace.
You decide.
The 2nd game was a pretty similar affair. I won't go into details other than to say against the run of play, once again I bamboozled their defence by not falling over, and latched onto the end of a thru ball from our midfielder Paddy (our one player without 2 left feet) and tucked the ball neatly into the corner. The celebration was nearly as emphatic as the goal itself. A triple salco, followed by a flick-flack tastic tumble and a forward roll to single arm pump whilst pointing to the jubilant crowd (some old bloke and his guide dog), which would've have put Robbie Keane to shame. Needless to say we lost about 5-1 (I say about 5-1, you begin to lose count, and interest when it gets to that stage) and my goal was about as significant as the invention of the head mounted toilet roll holder (see photo) or the Sinclair C5. If you don’t know what that is - I rest my case.
The last game began with them making a clear statement of unease.
The Hobbits Shirt
Keith retires his Highgate Hobbits shirt after signing a contract with Brisbane Goblins. Having watched my inspired performances as the cat like attacking midfielder on the right wing, they decided to rest their first choice left back for fear of him being ridiculed. Their rested left back happened to be Terry Phelan, coach of Otago Utd and ex-Irish international with over 40 international caps to his name. His replacement was a bloke called Trigger, who had acquired his name for his razor-sharp footballing brain and his disco quick feet. Unfortunately, Trig’s feet were all spent, following the previous night’s activities on the dance floor, and he was left patrolling the park like a camel with a shrapnel wound. We matched up pretty well.
The game ebbed and flowed like a tide that nobody sees. After, about 50 minutes of play I tried an inventive scoop, chip kick, that, had it come off, the pundits would have termed it genius. Unfortunately the only thing that came off was me, closely pursued by my right leg, which was dragging limply behind with a strained thigh muscle. All I could think of was those immortal words from Top Gun - “Your brain’s writing cheques your body can’t cash.” How right you were Chester. Now I needed to find the Iceman. He could be my wingman any day. Fortunately we don’t have a M-O-M (man of the match), or MVP, or even an MP3 award, but had I been playing for the Hobbits I most certainly would have been awarded it - and forced to don the Tie of Doom, drink from the Cup of Justice and recite the
Poem of Destiny:
It's not about winning or losing
It's not about glory or shame
It's whether or not you can walk the talk
Or walk tall, or at all, at the end of the game.
It's not about scoring the winner
Or saving the penalty kick
It's not about helping the ref
Or calling the linesman a pr**k
It's not about being a hero
It's not about being the best
It's all about bonding as brothers
And putting yourselves to the test
It's all about playing with passion
It's all about playing with pride
Playing your part with honour of heart
Is something that comes from inside
It’s all about playing whenever
In rain or hail or in sun
It’s all about putting your life on the line
It's all about having some fun
It's not about boosting your ego
Or being the best of the batch
It's simply to stop you from crying
That's why you're the man of the match
So the game ended in a 0-0 draw and we all went home just like any other day. Well, apart that is, from those losers who took off to the Games Village to find some totty. I was in bed by 3am.
The final two games were very dull easy wins for us and I'd rather not talk about them.
Goodbye.
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Soupy
non-member comment
Yes Indeed.
Nice one, oh gimpy hobbity one,I tried to wade thru the game re-run but that bit was hard for non-sporty Soupy.However,I like the poem lots, and I will be showing it to my drum leader so he can get an important feel for it, to remind him of the team spirit of the band. Yes indeed.