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Published: March 20th 2008
You Must Be Kidding ..
no ... they weren't ... how French??The fact is that Johnny English didn't quite expect this. Lizzy didn't expect this either - and was gutted when there was no requirement to complete an immigration form (thus meaning that you don't get a passport stamp). French Polynesia is in Europe is seems.
The history of these islands (and this is shorter so that SJB doesn't fall asleep this time) is as follows.
Samuel Wallace (Britain) popped in in 1767. Kills lots of people and (in true Al Murray - Pub Landlord style) calls the islands "Island King Georges". Louis Antoine de Bougainville called in in 1768 and claimed the islands for France. That man Cook then turned up but was more interested in scientific research for the Royal Society. Don Domingo Boenechea then claimed the islands for Spain in 1772 because the Pacific was their back yard. Mutiny in the Bounty played out (Captain Bligh and all) and then English Protestants turned up in 1797 ... French Catholic types then turned up in 1842 and the islands - despite protestations - were finally French. Britain had their hands full in the US to respond - despite the Polynesians asking them to ...
So - as
Storm Clouds Forming in Moorea
... Codo didn't say it was like this ... we mentioned at the beginning - this really is France. The cars are all French. The number plates look French. And yes ... of course ... gracias, senor and por favor have been replaced by merci, monsieur and s'il vous plait. Which takes some getting used to ....
Day 66 - March 6th 2008 - Moorea, French Polynesia Woke in the glamorous Tahiti Airport Motel. "Glamorous" is assumed as it cost the equivalent of a plush central London hotel.
Talk of money is vulgar. Everyone knows this. But it is important in this episode as it unfortunately dictates the majority of what we do. You see .... everything is so so so expensive. We haven't seen them as yet (perhaps someone closer to the action can help us out) but Tahitians and Polynesians must go to London on their holidays. It must be so cheap to them.
We should have known something was wrong when - on arrival in Pape'ete the previous night the cash machine gave us 3 notes - each worth 70 quid. And we didn't even ask for the top amount.
Guide books talk of falling tourism figures and the fact that
Sunset in Moorea ..
... presupposes sun I guess ... but there wasn't much ... no one can understand why. It's simple. It's too expensive. Easy. People talk of the fact that everything has to be brought in from overseas which costs. How does Easter Island cope then? As usual - we're being too simplistic ... but don't tell us that it's normal to expect someone to pay 5 quid (yes 500 Great British Pence) for a packet of M&Ms. Rant (for now) over (of course - there is an element of bitterness that we are approaching the end of this jaunt ... and the budget (ours not Darling's) is looking ok ... things are about to go downhill).
Anyways.
Headed to Pape'ete from the airport. Got the (second) bus - after the first bus driver gave us the loveable gallic shrug. Bags got charged too. We had to pay for them as they couldn't respond for themselves. Went onto t'internet to check mail and comments from blog (half an hour cost 4 quid - anywhere else in the world would cost you circa 4 pence ... which part of the internet transaction was "brought in from elsewhere"?)
Headed to the express ferry and took the half hour jaunt across the bay
Bungalow at Les Tipaniers
... although it's a bit cloudy to Moorea. Got a bus on the other side to Les Tipaniers. Nathan was impressing Lizzy (and himself) with his GCSE French. Lizzy wasn't yet in her stride.
The Frenchness of this place was really noticeable - Nathan couldn't help thinking that they were doing it on purpose ... for some reason which was unknown. Didn't they know that Johnny English was a "good friend" of the French? When we got to our Bungalow - in the jardins of Les Tipaniers hotel (see photo) - there was a Cockerel eating a French Baguette. Seriously - could this be any more French? Is that a real necessity? Do Cockerels even like bread?
Our bungalow had a small kitchen and was very quaint. Looked at the activities guide - 150 quid to swim with dolphins ... been there, done that (for free ... sort of)
We headed to the supermarket. After this transaction - during which we spent 50 nicker and only bought some bread and cereal (and of course lard, choc choc, beer and butter) - we decided that we would rob the next available bank. And we had a Bounty ice cream (in tribute to Captain Bligh).
We did it first ...
Sar and Tom copied us ... check the dates ... Started collating our "top 3" lists of everything from meals to journeys from hotels to value this evening. Bet you can't wait for that final blog installment.
In bed by 2100 after it went pitch black by 1830. Still contend that someone somewhere has cocked up this time difference thing.
Gracias Monsieur.
Today's Bond is "The World is Not Enough" ... even if you had the earth ... you still couldn't justify a packet of peanut M&Ms... Day 67 - March 7th 2008 - Moorea, French Polynesia Woke at 0600 becuase of those b****y cockerels. Somebody somewhere is having a laugh with us.
Wandered to the shore of the lagoon where we were treated to a fishing show by 3 dogs. One was most definitely better than the other 2 ... but it was entertaining none the less.
Today was hugely relaxed - and this is sort of became the theme for our stay in these islands. The weather wasn't terrifc (sun and cloud and then the odd rain) but it was always well above 20 degrees. We had plenty of books to read (which we have diligently lugged around the world).
Nath and Lizzy ...
.. on the way to Hotel Bora Bora Favourite expense of the day today came when we went to the supermarket (we were running low on bags of high fat sugar). A book - which clearly said $4.50 (US - about 2 pounds 25p) on the back was being resold - second hand (maybe third or even fourth hand actually ... it was quite dog-eared) - in the shop for 10 quid. And sometimes we have to sit there as intelligent people tell us that it's because they have to bring everything in from the mainland ... that's bobbins.
I blame the French. But that maybe a xenophobic, biggoted attitude. But you do understand that this is all tongue in cheek (before the hate mail starts again).
The evening was punctuated by the loudest thunder either of us had ever heard. Real tropical stuff. Perhaps those fireworks could be called "Tropical Thunder" instead of "Nuclear Disaster" or "Mortal Dread". Guess they wouldn't sell as well.
Went to bed at 2030. Catching up on sleep you see....
Today's Bond is "The Man With The Golden Gun" ... ooohh ... to have had a pistol at 0600 this morning ... I'd have shot that French Nath cheats Death
... and lives to tell the tale ... Cock's head off I would ...
Day 68 - March 8th 2008 - Moorea, French Polynesia Getting bitten heavily by bl***y mozzies at the moment. Itching is no fun.
Went running for an hour and a quarter this morning and felt fantastic. Reckon we could give Branners a run for her marathon money at the moment. Try lard, beer, crispys and choc choc (as well as the odd Bounty Ice Cream) Steph ... it seems to work for us!
Guide book says that Moorea is a place to catch up on sleep. Done.
Saw a blog by some very artistic type online who described Moorea in glowing terms. As the most heavenly beautiful place on earth. Agreed - it is lovely and tropical. But isn't Cragg Vale - or Bridlington (or even parts of Wales ... who we are being nicer too at the moment for reasons which will become obvious).
Lasagne in the Les Tipaniers restaurant and then bed at 2030 ...
It has to be "Live and Let Die" ... apart from there would be no letting that Cockerel or those Mozzies live anywhere ... Day 69 - March 9th 2008 - Moorea, French Polynesia
Not much point describing today for you ... much of the same. Early to rise, early to bed ... and sunbathing under cloud and the odd ray of sun.
We did pack to leave Moorea tomorrow ... but that's not very interesting I suppose ....
Today's Bond is "Golden Eye" ... ironic really as we would like to have seen some Golden sun with one of our eyes ... tenuous? Day 70 - March 10th 2008 - Bora Bora, French Polynesia Transferred to the (Moorean) dock to get the (Tahitian) boat to get the (Pape'ete airport) bus to get the (Bora Bora) plane to get the (hotel) boat to one of the world's best hotels today. Like clockwork. Nath still worries about this whole thing though. One day it will prove to be justified he's sure.
This is the luxury for which we have been saving pennies. Mark Larsen can read our minds.
Bora Bora - like all these islands - was borne of volcanic activity. Due to erosion and the resulting movement of water into the old crater etc. the central island (the bulk
This is what it is all about ...
... champers and sun. Hotel Bora Bora of the volcano) is surrounded by a lagoon whilst the Pacific crashes against a reef about a mile or so offshore. The result is incredibly warm coastal waters, mesmerising water colours and fantastic snorkelling over coral and abundant wildlife. It's also why the pictures of the sea around here look like they do. And don't look like The North Sea.
As we splashed over Baie de Faanui, past Passe Teavanui and into Baie de Povai in the snazzy Hotel Bora Bora speedboat - we felt like film stars. Which is probably factually correct as this is the Hotel where many of the rich and famous (Tom Cruise, Dennis Quaid, Meg Ryan, Betsy Tomkins, Bill Gates, Eddie Murphy to name but a few) come on their holidays. It's a bit like Butlins for Americans.
Much of our trip has been Ying and Yang, boom and bust. You can always tell when you've been somewhere great or are about to do something great as there is a lull before and afterwards. This is why we took the calm and chill of Les Tipaniers with grace. This was the peak. That was the lull.
Met at the hotel's private dock
by the General Manager of the hotel (Ian from Nottingham), given champagne, flowers, fruit and the keys to an overwater bungalow so grand it could have been from Leeds. This was heaven.
So much so in fact that Nath decided to jump into the crystal water from the bungalow's water deck - smashing his feet into coral and gashing his leg. He hobbled for the next few days. There goes the Yang God - not happy with our luck.
Best of all though ... The Times is available on the same day it was printed. As a result Nath is more informed about the various crises at home ... can't wait to get back.
We are writing this some days afterwards (i.e. excitement has abated) - and we also bring your attention to the fact that we are fully aware that we are (very) often prone to exaggeration. This admission is in the hope that you believe us - even though we don't have pictures - this next piece is not a fake (SJB - believe what you will).
We returned to the dock at 1900 to feed the fish. Suddenly a Manta Ray appeared which
Hotel Bora Bora Boats
... would have been nice to have afforded a ride ... was (conservatively - we're even going the other way here) 7ft across tip to tip. He was huge. Martin the Manta has not returned since so we haven't got a picture. Sorry.
Went to the hotel restaurant and drank champagne in the moonlight. All very romantic. Even for Nath.
"Dr No" ... where Lizzy was the Doctor and Nath had wished he'd had told himself that jumping off into water where you don't know the depth is a No No... Day 71 - March 11th 2008 - Bora Bora, French Polynesia Woken by Naveed from Vodafone at 0600 this morning. Only answered as someone from an Unknown number had been very persistent in the past 24 hours. Went to breakfast quite early as a result.
There is a black cloud on the horizon and it is only getting bigger. We notice it more every day. The fact is that time is running out for us. It is almost hometime. This won't spoil this stay though. It won't it won't (has it already?!)
Sunbathed on our private deck today and then went to the Management Cocktail on the white sand beach. Lots of very
Food Time at Hotel Bora Bora
... at posh places they make you have your tea in the sea by all accounts ... polite Americans and Japanese people. Nath stood by the bar and asked for lots of beer. Ian (the Manager remember) commented how the English were always last to leave the free drinks. This exemplifies sense to me. Especially at these prices (this vulgar reference to money will cease soon).
We're on the honeymoon package here ... and must stand out like sore thumbs. This means that as well as the top class accommodation we get massages, sunset cruise, free smellies, champers and a romantic dinner.
As the majority of you will be aware - Nath is impervious to pain. He rarely feels it and certainly doesn't moan when it comes to him. However - his (coral) foot was hurting tonight. Which is kind of a shame as it was our romantic dinner.
The previous day the chef had been to speak to us about our perfect menu. Being French and good - he refused to give us beans, cheese and mushrooms with jacket potato, a bowl of chips and a hot Ribena (for Lizzy) and Lasagne, chips and a pint of Landlord (for Nath).
Instead we had a delectable 3 course dinner ... salads, fish, fruit,
Lizzy on our Sunset Cruise
... little did she know of Nath's scheming ... (ok - she probably did) wine ... wonderful. But no Freedom Fries.
What was the most spectacular though was the setting. Our (personal) waiter had set up a table on the sea shore (critics would say in the sea) so that the water lapped about your feet and stars twinkled above your head. Fresh flowers, candlelight and tip top service made the experience spectacular. Sea water and sand in a deep gash on Nath's foot saw that it wasn't that cool for him.
Nath's primary requirement had been that he wanted to leave full. He left so full that he wanted to be sick. He hobbled back to the room in pain and fell asleep.
Not sure that that was in the script ...
"On Her Majesty's Secret Service" ... we felt like Royalty and definitely a little Bond this evening ... this is something he would have done ... all with Royal service too Day 72 - March 12th 2008 - Bora Bora, French Polynesia On the Honeymoon Package - you're only on your honeymoon for 4 days and 3 nights. As we hadn't booked any accommodation past our "honeymoon" - which ended after this evening. We took
We had to take a second look
... Nanna .... IN BORA BORA???? a walk this morning to find a new hotel. It was a painful walk. Not because of the foot situation but because the Hotel Bora Bora is pretty damned cool. The people are exceptionally friendly. The staff know your name before you've spoken to them. Suppose that that's what you get for 6 star luxury.
Went to a few places and got a deal which seemed ok. They knocked 40% off when pushed. Booked up and walked off. Slightly saddened.
Got back to the hotel and put the standard ambient music on in our haven. A sucker for marketing and maybe more romantic than you may think at first - Nath stood up, flashed past the 4 poster bed and went to find Ian. Explained the situation (it costs too much to stay 4 more nights). Asked him to take petty on us at the end of our 3 month trip. He went to his office and came back out. He also knocked 40% off.
Nath went back to negotiate with Budget Tomkins. No movement. We aren't staying.
Nath went back to Ian and added 1 night to the stay. To hell with the wrath of
Tomkins (safe after the event ... now some days back).
The moral of this first story is not to book directly with the website as you get screwed on price. Like. very screwed.
Went to Bloody Marys this evening - a famous restaurant around the corner from the hotel. A favourite celeb haunt. Pierce Brosnan and Pamela Anderson. You know the type of place. Lizzy had the overbearing veg plate. Nath had a fish which is only found on these islands at a depth of 900ft. It was nice.
Today was "The Living Daylights" ... as in frightened ... birds seem to think it's cool to sit on our decking squawking and swooping ... Nath wasn't frightened ... just a little jumpy - and they kept pooing on Lizzy Day 73 - March 13th 2008 - Bora Bora, French Polynesia Got a phone call this morning from Andres - the accommodation manager.
A: "I hear you're leaving us"
N: "Yes"
A: "Why? We like having you here"
N: "It's too expensive and we got a good deal elsewhere"
A: "Where? Why?"
N: "If you can offer us the same price then we will
A bit like Bell House
... cause this is where we lived in Hotel Bora Bora ... stay with you"
A: "Leave it with me"
After a few minutes:
A: "Ian likes having you here (2nd time) - and realises that you are at the end of your long trip. He's going to offer you the residential rate which is reserved for Tahitians. What's more you can stay in your top class bungalow - which isn't normally available at this rate"
We took it. Cancelled the other place. Forced into staying at a 6 star resort. No need for "Negotiate the Accenture Way" training for Nath. Either we were really getting screwed initially or Nath is a negotiating God. Choose your own answer.
In response to this - we set of to the supermarket to make sure we had enough beer, water, choc and lard for the stay. Determined that they aren't going to make up the cost difference through sundries.
Went out for dinner this evening. For pizza. God we've missed pizza. All this fish ... preference for pizza restored.
Nath went to the toilet and got confused by the TAME vs. the VAHINE signs. Nath had just ordered TAME pizza so went for TAME. In hindsight it out to
Lowering the tone ...
... toilet chain in Bloody Marys, Bora Bora be pretty obvious ... but rather explicit!
We're starting to look a little more tanned now with all this sun. Life is good (although there is a dark cloud somewhere...)
Today was not a Bond film ... but a quote all the same ... "Never say Never Again" ... chastised by Hotel Bora Bora management for even daring to think about leaving their gaff ... forced to stay ... Day 74 - March 14th 2008 - Bora Bora, French Polynesia Somebody was launching a Mortal Combat firework this morning. It was so loud that it woke us up. Realised what was happening when the rain started and the sky was very dark. The lightening helped to wipe the sleep from our eyes too.
In these sort of conditions the sea can definitely look like the sea of Hull. Thankfully this is shortlived though. The sun arrives soon afterwards.
Same old same old ... The Times, the sun (small s), the sea ... it's all very tough.
This evening was the sunset cruise - one of the elements within the Honeymoon Package. Taken out on a catamaran by an American called Richard. He's
A Copy of Today's The Times
... every single day ... just ace been here for 30 years, serving the stars on his boat - many of whom charter him privately. Told us stories about Eddie Murphy, Dennis Quaid ... even the Eagles ... he could write a book.
Best of all - his son - a big guy in his 20s who was born in Bora Bora, (looks American but is Polynesian) had the iPhone - and fell over himself showing us all the ins and outs. A bit like Mark Stuart ... but not as knowledgable about UK State Pension (this is a presumption as we didn't ask if he knew anything about PGUMPIs - we're assuming not ... that would have been sort of weird)
The sunset wasn't very spectacular - but frankly we are being spoiled .... it was nice to be floating around in the bay ... sails up ... with a beer.
An American chap (one of the top barristers in San Francisco) was on the boat too. Been coming to the islands (Hotel Bora Bora) for 25 years and more ... is God Father to Richard's son. Nice enough bloke, exceptionally friendly - but a major protagonist of the "the have to ship
Less like Hebden Bridge this time
... but there is a striking resemblance to Pellon everything in" myth.
Were told tales of the day's charter by Richard. A bunch of Russians (with bodyguards and overly attractive ladies far too young to be their wives) took the boat out shark fishing. Betsy and Nath - rolling it with the high people...
Went to the Mediterranean night in the hotel ... over priced but nice enough.
What can we expect?
"Thunderball" ... easy ... it Thundered ... in balls .. Probably Day 75 - March 15th 2008 - Bora Bora, French Polynesia Today Wales won the Grand Slam.
There.
Done it.
Let's move on.
It was quite poor weather this morning so we took the opportunity to go running (tougher today ... still an hour ... but it was so hot and sweaty). Nathan ran through the pain of his very sore foot. You know what he's like. What a trooper.
We then had our massages (from the honeymoon package). Don't worry everyone ... this won't become a habit for Nathan. It's a bit poncey. There were no "extras" Sami.
Eventually cleared up for sunshine ... went to Bloody Marys again and had Mahi Mahi
... very healthy. Then had a bottle of Rose. Saw a sea snake on the way home ... much smaller than Nath had realised. Perhaps it was a just small sea snake rather than a standard sea snake.
A quiet day in paradise....
Today was "For Your Eyes Only" ... Lizzy burned her boobs ... only Nath was allowed to see Day 76 - March 16th 2008 - Bora Bora, French Polynesia How good can this get. The FULL SUNDAY TIMES SPORT SECTION!!!
Nathan sat there like a pig in mud ... all day ... every word. Didn't realise that the Sunday Times also had a Sky At Night section. Will defo be looking that up for tips when we're at home (unfortunately this didn't extend to the Southern Hemisphere).
Nathan had been carrying a selection of fine coconut rings in his pockets every evening this week. It was now time for action. The last day in Hotel Bora Bora. It was now or never.
Let's be frank - Betsy knew this was coming. Nathan moved the chairs from the upper deck onto the lower deck of the bungalow "to watch the
Hotel Bora Bora had changed Nath and Liz
... they were much more like their Hollywood chums ... sunset". Nathan had "encouraged" Lizzy not to open our bottle of champagne all week. So there we were ... 1830 in Bora Bora ... and the sun had started to fade. Nathan had started to loosen up a bit ... the romantic lines started flowing (you can but imagine everyone).
A school of Manta Rays drifted by ... a white tip shark chasing them ... Jack Fish (it's not the name of a specific fish called Jack ... it's a species) fooling around ... and then he went down on one knee and sealed the deal. He was a bit shocked when she started crying but she said yes ... eventually. All in all it went very well as the ring cost just the single quid from Easter Island. Nathan had spoken to Dave about 10 days ago to ask his permission ... he must have started wondering whether Nathan had got cold feet!!
Spoke to some people and sent some text messages ... it's all very exciting.
Went to sleep ... even though the phone was buzzing all night ...
Easy ... "Goldfinger" ... where Gold is either diamond or coconut ... whichever your preference. Reflecting on a Job Well Done ..
... Nathan the hour after that hour before .... happy Nath is hopeful Lizzy continues to like her coconut ring ...
Day 77 - March 17th 2008 - Pape'ete, French Polynesia ... the day of truth. How much is the bill going to be? If Pierce Brosnan comes here it ain't gonna be like Casa Jardin in Buenos Aires!
Lots of thunder this morning and a sound thrashing at pool for Lizzy. Champagne and a card has arrived from the Codos ... and more lovely messages
A bit sad today ... and the weather wasnt that good. Disaster struck when Nath's Oakleys broke and his flip flops fell apart. Codo in particular will be gutted about those trusty sunglasses which Nath has had for more than 10 years...
Went to a Pearl Farm - called "The Farm" and learned about Pearls. The fact was though that we were leaving Paradise. We left in a speedboat with a lovely touch. Lots of the staff - including Ian the Manager came to the dock to wave us off. Small enough to be special - but a real big hitter of a hotel.
Flew back to Tahiti in a propellor plane and then got on the
A Hollwood Film Star Showers..
... no no everyone ... it's just our friend Inca Nath bus to the hotel. Staff were surly and unhelpful in comparison to paradise ...
Went to bed early .. .exhausted .. not sure why or whether "exhausted is called for" ... just go with it eh?
Bad news ... Lizzy has started wondering whether "Diamonds are Forever" .... that didn't take long Day 78 - March 18th 2008 - Unknown, Pacific Ocean And so to toady ... our last day in France Land.
Didn't do much at all other than lie by the pool and go to the gym. By far the most interesting thing happened on our way to the airport .. as we went to take our 0210 flight. We were waiting at the bus stop .... and suddenly a Peugeot 205 stopped. A Polynesian lady got out and asked where we were going to. As you will be aware... GCSE French extends to "we are going to the airport madam" so this was fine. After hearing this - she put our rucksack in the boot ... rearranged her kids into the foot well - and then ushered us into the car. This was all very odd - to the extent that
In one ear and out the other ...
.. a boat sails straight through Nath's head in Tahiti Nath thought we were off to get a kicking by a huge Polynesian gentleman. However - we got taken straight to the airport - and wished a safe onward journey. And she refused payment. This was until the child removed himself from the foot well - and thrust his hand out for the money. Of course we were only too happy to oblige ... this is definitely the best value we have seen ...
Incredibly Lizzy managed to talk the French Polynesian Immigration control into giving her a stamp on a blank page. She now only has 5 blank pages in her passport and is hopeful the same charm will work in Oz Land....
And so to Australia. Nath has his England shirt on - ready to mock the Wallaby scrummage.
The 19th March will not happen for us. We leave these shores on 19th at 0210 and arrive into Emma's jurisdiction and care at 0700 on the 20th ... we pass over the dateline you see ...
Anyways ... bye bye for now ...
Today is "Tomorrow Never Dies" ... as it's difficult to Die when you're never here in the first place ...
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louise bell
non-member comment
Congratulations
Hey you two. Many congratulations!! Look forward to the celebratory party in May! Enjoying the blog. Louxx