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Published: January 27th 2009
Melbourne Weather
Ross and Wilma enjoying a typical Melbourne evening.Happy (belated) New Year. I can't believe it's nearly February. Incredibly, I've been in Melbourne for over 4 months. I'll rewind to September when I managed to get a flight from Singapore to Melbourne at short notice. Bear in mind I hadn't experienced a day cooler than 35 degrees for months. I staggered off the plane at around 4:30am, collected my luggage, left the building and almost had a heart attack. It was absolutely freezing: I could even see my breath. Everyone round me wore coats, scarves, gloves and hats. I was dressed in a t-shirt and cropped trousers. I only have one jumper with me and - naturally - it was at the bottom of my backpack. Fortunately the bus arrived quickly. I was shivering so much, I think the bus driver took pity on me as he didn't charge me for a ticket. Maybe I was naive but to me "Australia" equalled "hot". I didn't take into account what I now know, which is that Australia may equal hot but "Melbourne" equals "schizophrenic weather".
Accommodation
I stayed with Ross for a week or so, while I tried to sort out accommodation and employment. It was
Barry
He looks and acts a bit like Garfield, excepting the lasagne addiction. easier to rent rooms rather than rent our own flat. I managed to rent a room in a suburb called Preston, while Ross stayed in North Melbourne. Preston is the epitome of suburbia. Think Ramsay Street crossed with Desperate Housewives. Also, for some reason my mind always goes to Stephen King novels whenever I walk down my street. Not that there are any clowns appearing out of sewers or nearby pet cemeteries or anything, it's just the fact it's a quiet, leafy avenue with the kind of housing normally depicted in horror movies. Maybe I need to watch more Disney.
My housemates described themselves in the advert as "one gay guy, one straight guy and a cat". Now I know their names, that should be "Matt, Greg and Barry". (Barry - what a ridiculous name for a cat.) Ross' flatmate is Jane, who exposed us to the weird and wonderful world of internet dating. Jane's love-life deserves to be the topic of a book and always keeps everyone (including herself) highly entertained.
Employment
By the time I arrived in Melbourne, Ross had a job as a "subjective coder". I thought it sounded as though he
Subjective Coders
Amazingly we became friends, even though we couldn't speak to one another at work. was working for NASA. I joined a few agencies and - lo and behold - was offered a job as a subjective coder in the same firm.
I have had a variety of different jobs and have worked in an office for a number of years, yet I have never experienced such a bizarre working environment as this one. We were not allowed to talk to one another and at one stage were told when we could and could not go to the toilet. Bullying by the manager seemed to be the norm. I think I lasted 3 weeks before my behaviour was deemed "inappropriate" and I was advised that I was not welcome back in the building. The "inappropriate behaviour" was apparently my asking a (student) supervisor not to speak to me as though I were 5 years old. Or perhaps in reality it was the fact I wrote a list of grievances on behalf of a large number of people and emailed it to the agency. Whichever it was - I had a brief moment of Erin Brockovich style glory, particularly when some others resigned in protest.
As I was basking in my self-righteousness, the reality
Sights of Melbourne: CBD
Or Central Business District, to those in the know. Like me. of not having a job hit home and I started to worry about finances. Fortunately the recruitment agents (who found me the job) were so embarrassed by what had happened, they pulled out all the stops and got me a job in a law firm where people actually have conversations with one another. I have been working there ever since and finish on Friday, two days before leaving Melbourne.
Ross resigned from the subjective coding not long after I was fired (incidentally, thanks for all the Alan Sugar impressions from the people I spoke to at the time. Each and every one was as hilarious as the last.). His resignation story (Ross', not Alan Sugar's) essentially involves contract law, so I think I'll leave that anecdote to him. Suffice to say, my behaviour has been appropriate at the new firm and I'm quite sad to be leaving.
Melbourne
Anyway, Melbourne. Apart from the ridiculous weather, I really like the city. It's now officially summer so we no longer have cold days, just hot or too hot. Lots of one-liners are used regarding Melbourne: "it's really laid back", "it's the most European city in Australia", "it's
Sights of Melbourne: St Kilda Beach
The local beach. On the day Wilma & I passed through, there were hailstones the size of golf balls (well, almost - peas maybe). much better than Sydney" etc. It certainly is laid back, there's a really nice cafe culture and the people are friendly. (At least, most people are friendly - I won't include the guy who was being aggressive towards his girlfriend then beat Ross up when he intervened. Ross is ok now, but the whole incident left him pretty shaken.)
As for being European - I'm never really sure what that's supposed to mean. It does remind me of living in Edinburgh, due to the general atmosphere and the fact there constantly seems to be a festival taking place. So I suppose it is "European" in a sense. The whole Melbourne v Sydney extravaganza reminds me of the Edinburgh v Glasgow stupidity. I haven't visited Sydney yet so can't comment. As for Edinburgh v Glasgow, I refuse to comment. So there.
I'm ashamed to admit I haven't been to any museums in Melbourne. I'm planning to try to cram all the cultural stuff in this week (my enthusiasm is overwhelming). I did do one cultural necessity though - I visited Ramsay Street. Or should I say, Pin Oak Court.
Everybody Needs...
Wilma arrived in November,
a few days after her 30th birthday. My birthday present was a Neighbours tour, much to the horror of every Australian I've met. Australians just don't understand how big the Neighbours phenomenon was during the late 80s and early 90s, particularly with my age group. Anyway, I ignored the rolling eyes and sarcastic comments and booked the tour. Wilma seemed pleased, although she was presumably still slightly delirious from jet lag.
The tour guide was Irish and - other than an autistic Australian boy and his parents - the entire tour group was European (and mainly British). On the way to The Street, we watched some classic episodes. Yes, this did include Scott and Charlene's wedding day with the song Suddenly by Angry Anderson booming out over the vows. I felt slightly disturbed when it appeared Wilma, the tour guide and myself seemed to be the only people singing along. It soon became clear that most of the group either weren't born or were under the age of 5 when The Wedding took place. My concerns grew when it became even more clear that the rest of the tour were avid fans of current Neighbours and not 1989 Neighbours.
Neighbours: Declan and Duck
For some unknown reason, a woman on our tour asked him to pose with her toy duck. We visited the street itself, in reality a residential cul-de-sac called Pin Oak Court. I half expected a set made of cardboard but it looks exactly as it does on TV. We did the obligatory posing with the sign and in front of the most recognisable houses. The tour guide seemed keen for us to re-enact famous death scenes in the middle of the street. Fortunately no-one was prepared to volunteer.
We also visited Erinsborough High School (again, more obligatory posing by the sign) and more outdoor sets, most of which were unfamiliar. It was here that the "mystery guest" was due to arrive. Yes, a member of the cast would turn up, have a chat and sign autographs. My excitement mounted - would it be Dr Karl Kennedy? Harold Bishop? Or one of the three other cast members I would actually recognise?
Of course not. To the excitement of the other girls on the tour (those who were not alive to witness Angry Anderson singing first time round), some random boy strolled across a car park, dressed as a waiter. I genuinely thought he was coming over to suggest we move the tour bus. No -
Jane and Lachlan
Ross' dad enjoyed winding Jane up over the internet dating... this was the guy who plays "Declan". He gave some hints as to the upcoming plot. Obviously these meant nothing to me as I haven't watched Neighbours for years. I did attempt to look intrigued, shocked and amazed (all at the same time) as he told us Declan's girlfriend keeps the baby. Well, thank God for that.
During Wilma's time in Australia, she and I took off to the Northern Territory, drank in saloon bars and learned about Aboriginal culture. We also went on a tour to the Great Ocean Road and jumped up and down in front of a lighthouse. However, inspired by Ross' short blog entries which don't ramble on like mine, I'm going to write about those trips separately.
The Simpsons
Prior to Wilma's visit, Ross' parents came down under for a few weeks. It was nice being in the company of so many Scottish accents. I joined in a few of the tourist excursions, the most notable being a wine tour to the Yarra Valley. Ross' dad, Lachlan, despises organised tours. We all despise getting up at the crack of dawn to board a bus. So we were none too happy
Me, Janet, Jane and Lachlan
... much to his mum's mortification. when the said bus failed to appear. We hung around for over an hour, having been advised the tour company got the time wrong. When the bus did turn up, we were driven two blocks and told to get out and have a coffee in Starbucks. For another hour. Thereafter, we were taken to a train station to wait for other members of the tour.
By the time we got to the first winery, we had all been awake for 6 or 7 hours and - much to Ross' annoyance - hadn't even seen a grape. In true Scottish fashion, we demanded a glass of wine as soon as we entered the building. The thimble-sized plastic cups did not go down well. By this time, I thought the whole thing was funny. I'm not sure everyone shared that feeling.
Anyway, the day turned out well. The scenery is beautiful in the valley. We were taken round various wineries and eventually had a proper opportunity to taste wine. I'm not a connoisseur, but it all seemed really good quality. Well, it tasted nice at least.
Christmas, New Year and Onwards
Taking into account the time
Australian Christmas
Ross turned up on Christmas morning in this outfit, much to my and Jane's shock. The photo opportunities were too good to miss. spent with Ross' mum and dad and then with Wilma, October and November flew by. Suddenly Christmas was upon us. Not for us running around in the freezing cold, drinking mulled wine at the German market on Princes Street and fighting over bags of peanuts in Marks & Spencers. Instead, we ambled around in the heat, trying to work out what to do on Christmas day. Obviously it had to involve a beach and a barbeque.
Eventually, we decided to go to Apollo Bay, a well-known beach on the Great Ocean Road. We managed to get some last-minute accommodation and headed down on Christmas morning for a couple of nights. The beach was stunning. It was warm enough to lie out on Christmas Day, although rained on Boxing Day. We had taken food for a barbeque and just ignored the woman when she advised us that the barbeques took one dollar coins to operate. Inevitably we didn't have a one dollar coin between us and ended up having to use a frying pan.
Hogmanay was spent in Melbourne City Centre with our friend Lisa. The fireworks were nice, but I think we might have picked the wrong spot
New Year: Goodnight
This was the sight that awaited us when we turned up for the festivities. as we couldn't see some of them due to high buildings. We fought our way through throngs of revellers to Federation Square, where we knew entertainment was laid on. The moment we turned up, the music stopped.
January so far has been spent working and saving money. I have found being away from home particularly difficult so far this year, as my cousin Steven died very suddenly on 5th January. Having lived with disabilities since birth, he was one of the happiest, funniest and most loving people I have ever met. His death was completely out of the blue and has left us all devastated. I contemplated coming home but was convinced by everyone that it was too impractical. The whole episode seemed to reinforce just how far away I am and the past few weeks have certainly been the most challenging and emotional of the whole trip.
It's due to this fact, I think, that I'm looking forward to leaving Melbourne and travelling. We fly to Cairns in the north of Australia on Sunday and meet Louise who is accompanying us down the east coast to Sydney. It will be strange living out of a backpack and
Wilma...
...getting into the spirit. Not enough to buy the hat, just enough to quickly put it on in a shop. being on the road again (is that not a song?), but I do feel ready.
One last thing I promised to do in this entry is list some of the minor quirks I've noticed about Australia and Australians in general. So many Australians have asked what the differences are between my own culture and their culture. The honest answer is - there aren't many differences. Much of the time I've felt as though I'm living at home, but with better weather and fewer familiar faces. Naturally, though, there are a few idiosyncrasies I've noticed and here they are:
Things I Have Noticed About Australia:
1. Aggressive flies. We are talking insane, kamikaze demons in fly form. They are attracted to moisture so attempt to land on eyeballs and lips. It suddenly makes sense why corks were strung from hats in the outback. Swatting these lunatics seems to act as encouragement. The only saving grace (for me, anyway) is that they don't bite;
2. Bizarre greetings. Many Australians use "how are you?" instead of "hello". Cue awkward moments involving me replying "fine thanks, how are you?" as the person has already walked on;
3.
Appollo Bay: Tinnie on the Beach
This Australian rite of passage was marred by the freezing wind and rain. Holiday mania. These people have holidays in honour of anything they can think of. Australia takes a holiday on the Queen's birthday. If Gordon Brown is reading this - sort it out. I also had a day off due to a horse race. The Melbourne Cup is a huge deal here, so obviously all businesses must close down for the day. I was even off yesterday for "Australia Day". I've asked a number of people what Australia Day signifies. The most common answer - "well, we have barbeques and relax";
4. Vegemite. Why is it that every Australian carries on like Vegemite is the holy grail of spreads, whereas most foreigners (me included) think it tastes as though it's well past its sell-by date? I took one bite of a piece of Vegemite toast and couldn't manage any more;
5. Small change. It doesn't exist: 1 and 2 cent pieces are not in circulation. However, this does not mean prices are rounded accordingly. The first time I bought something, it came to $9.99. I stood, patiently awaiting my 1 cent change, only to attract an odd look from the shop assistant who advised me "you won't get change
Appollo Bay: Sunset
I was clicking like mad to try to catch the colours. - we don't have 1 cent coins". It took me a while to work out that it wasn't just coincidence that all the shops I entered had run out of small change. It can work in the buyer's favour, but more often the seller's (how often do things cost $9.91?). Someone is making money out of this, and it isn't me;
6. Slang. Although Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman and the cast of both Neighbours and Home & Away try to convince us otherwise, Australians generally don't use the slang we all know and love (at least, that I know and love) ie "rack off", "crikey" or "you flamin gallah / drongo". Disappointing. I have heard the odd "g'day" and "fair dinkum" though, so that's something; and
7. Laid back news. The Australian news is much more relaxed and jokey than ours. Politicians tend to be on first name terms with newsreaders and there's much more banter. A few weeks ago I heard one reported refer to ex US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as "Condy Rice" (not to her face, but still - all very familiar).
I do have others but they get progressively more boring so
New Year Fireworks
This makes me feel a bit dizzy. I'll spare you. Generally, I have found the Australian people to be very welcoming with good senses of humour. I think they tend to be less cynical than us (or maybe just than me) which is probably a good thing. One thing I do wish I had tattooed to my forehead though, is "I AM NOT IRISH".
Food of the 4 months: has to be half a "bogan burger" (translation - "chav or ned burger"). See http://www.taste.com.au/news+features/articles/412/bogan+burger+not+for+the+fainthearted
It was frankly horrifying (but I enjoyed it regardless).
Quote of the 4 months: my Aunt Jean, in convincing me not to rush home for my cousin's funeral - "Steven didn't have the same opportunities as everyone else, so he would have wanted his family to take those opportunities - grab life by both hands and enjoy it".
Bye.
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Mum
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On the road again
You were right Kerry, "On the road again" is a song, SO old I can hardly remember it (yeah right) It was Canned Heat who released it in 1968. I enjoyed your Blog, Santa being the highlight. Lastly, the most poignant 'quote' of your trip.