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The irony of this latest side-trip wasn't lost on me: as recently as 1840, the mere mention of the phrase 'Van Diemen's land' would send shivers down the spine of London's most hardened criminals, for Port Arthur had the dubious distinction as the destination for those transported for their transgressions to what at the time was tantamount to another world. How people of those times would gawp if you were to tell them that their counterparts in 2006 would make the voyage voluntarily; if modern day Tasmania is testament to the community that grew from that convict settlement, then maybe the old POHMS weren't that bad at all.
The day before I was to discover that my tour would consist of the guide, me and 7 girls was my first without travelling for more than a fortnight. Normal people would've taken this opportunity to put the feet up and prepare for the 6 day trip that lay ahead but I was in Hobart and the place had me at 'hello'. At 1250 metres, Mount Wellington stands sentinel as the guardian of the city. Having clambered up with very little water in changeable weather conditions, I was rewarded with a 360
Could be Scotland eh?
But in fact Cradle Mountain in Tasmania. Look closely and you can see the baby. degree vista that showed off all of the features that combine to give Hobart the effect of the complete city: a small metropolis snuggled in against lush green mountains, split by a tranquil bridged river that snakes down to a bustling harbour. Hobarters are happy to be out of sight and out of mind, content to let the other Aussie state capitals argue over centre stage. They know they've it good and for this reason you won't find any of the pretentions here that you face elsewhere. A Hornby minature of the other places I've visited in Oz combined, Hobart captures Melbourne's street cafe scene and laid-back chill, Sydney's harbourside aquatic feel, Brisbane's aura of somewhere you could settle and Cairns' nightlife. All of this wrapped in a climate that offers a comfortable balance of cool days that counteract the scorchers. Alone and in awe, I set out for a few pints in the Salamanca area of town to find a blend of cobbled stones, alleyway pubs and drinking courtyards in among the hubbub of the marina. I then discovered the beer...
As the locals would say, Cascade Pale Ale is a good pot of piss. With only the
benchmark of the flat, gutache-inducing ales from England to go by, I was loathe to try it... but what a mistake that would've been. Cold, fresh, crisp - feck it - I'm not gonna try and describe it, you all know what good beer tastes like, and this was a classic. So you can imagine my disappointment later whilst travelling the north of the island when I was told they don't pour it up there, it would have to be Boags. By this stage you tend to run out of superlatives in the way Scottish football journalists did when Henrik was at his peak, but the Boags was even better. To stick with the football analogies, if Tennents was.. say.. Raith Rovers, Bud would come in about Crystal Palace and Boags Premium would be Brazil 1970. Deadly.
But I hadn't come as far from home as I'd ever been just for the beer. I was telling you about that tour. John the guide called in to my hostel to break the news about all those girls. What a result. A couple of Septic Tanks, 4 WOPs and an English girl. Together we visited the national parks, nature reserves and
forest walks in the west; the endless beaches and the mountain ranges in the east. In fairness, by the end there was a definite 'groundhog' feel to events but there were some highlights. As with previous tours I nailed additional kudos by playing D.J. for the week on the bus and cooking for the group - if the old Italian mamma didn't enjoy my Spanish Chicken special she did a good job of hiding it. Heady praise indeed. I also conquered a few personal issues by mustering the courage to be at one with the A to Z of Australia's indigenous critter population: I fed kangaroos, koalas, emus, possums, wombats and wallabies but drew a line at the local hero, the Tasmanian Devil, who I was told wouldn't stop eating until he got to the top of my shoulder. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you... and he looked so cuddly as well...
I can't believe it. 4 big paragraphs so far and not one mention of Randy, the aimiable, plump, bespectacled Dutchman. Forget the Devils and the scenery, this fella was the main event for me as far Tasmania was concerned. The group split after 3 days
Cataract Gorge
As pictured on the Boags Premium bottle..ahh! and for the remainder the WOPs and Septics were replaced by a gaggle of Koreans and yer man. During a particular meander through the memorably beautiful Cataract Gorge in Launceston, prior to introducing himself, he interrupted a conversation with "I once saw this teefee show called Oafra with a woman on it who ate forty sausages for breakfast every day. Hi I'm Randy from ze Netherlands." From then on he just failed to disappoint; telling every kangaroo we saw that he had his brother for lunch last week, rolling his head and making noises during non-stop impressions of Disney's version of the Tassie Devil, feeding a possum a full onion to go with the sausage it had just devoured and insulting the Koreans by persistently referring to them as Chinese people, prior to chasing them along the beach with the carcass of a dead seagull. It's the people you remember eh?
I had a lot of people to catch up with in between Tassie and New Zealand so I allocated 5 days in Sydney to see the troops. What a session that turned out to be! Met up with Lynchy, Rory, Zoe, Prent, Lisa, Joe, Kate, Beefer, Dondo, Rita,
Snoop, Mel and Paola all at different times and all for drinks. Lynchy and Rory had played a blinder and secured me tickets for an Irish traditional music concert on a harbour cruise boat. As usual, I wasn't deterred by the fact I was the only non-Irish person on the boat and before long I was on stage with the band doing vocals on The Green Fields of France. 'Doing vocals' being a euphemism for 'murdering'. I've a funny feeling the ovation I got was a tad sympathetic but I'd drank far too much to care. Or maybe my mind was on other matters - like why do they not have Cascade or Boags in this bloody city.
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