Well, this is it

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I leave tonight. Still packing, but not much left to do now. I think once I board that plane I will in part feel a huge sense of relief - everything's packed, everything is as organised as its going to get (if not, too late), and as the AYAD bureacrats say: until we're on that plane, we're not actually guaranteed our placement due to the often volatile nature of the countries that we are going to work in.

Had two going away things this week. One from my work at MADASSIA, and one last night with the cinema. But going to those things was kind of surreal...this whole week has been. I still don't really believe that as of tomorrow night I will be in Bangladesh, and whats more will be there for a year. Last night I looked around at the party and thought 'aw this is nice...everyone around having a great time' but failed to be able to connect it to the fact that I was going away. Even when saying goodbye to people, I hugged them feeling as if I'd see them next week. Today is a little different. Woke up ridiculously early feeling tingly and squeamish. It is starting, yes only starting, to really sink in. I've still got a long way to go for my head to actually accept it all. That this is all real. Scary real. Stepping out of the airport doors in Bangladesh will do the trick I reckon. A nice hard dose of reality.

But right now, apart from being 98% 'shitting my pants' scared (which has come down from 100% mind you) and 2% excited, I am now just itching to get on that plane. To get it all over and done with. Enough of this waiting. Some don't understand the contradiction of wanting to do something that scares the shit out of you. One girl at work said 'You're not normal'. Hahaha. Bless her. But as I tried to explain it....this is my dream. Dreams are nice, and comfy, and are safe to have. It's just that when it gets to the part where you have a chance to finally make that dream a reality, it's another story altogether...often realising there's more to the dream than you thought, and its not always going to be fun. Bringing it from up in the clouds, down to the ground - is difficult, scary, nauseating, uncertain and the hardest part is accepting the possibility of failure - but going ahead and trying anyway.

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