uluru, australia: we've gone bush

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You know how we all have stereotypes about kangaroos hopping around the bush, Crocodile Dundee-esque guys with weathered faces, and lonely roads that go on for hundreds of miles? Well, guess what? They’re true…at least in the outback.


We’d like to share some notes from our trip broken out in high school essay format. Since I’m writing this one, I’m going do this the proper way - the way a teacher would.

I. Uluru aka ‘Ayers Rock’

* ‘The artist formerly known as Prince’: Uluru is the proper Aboriginal term for the Rock formerly known as Ayers Rock. The highlight and focal point of visiting the Outback is this big ass rock in the middle of nowhere. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? Well, it actually is!
* Spiritual, Eerie, Weird, Moving: all adjectives we think of when attempting to describe Uluru. When you stare at it, you get that eerie feeling. You can almost hear the Brady Bunch 'awkward moment' sound…Wa-uuu-uuu, wa-uuu-uuu, wa-uuu-uuu! (sorry, it’s late at night right now)
* Climbing Uluru: we didn’t. Why? Well because the Aboriginals prefer that you do not. It is a spiritual site to them. We had to imagine if we saw a tourist climbing onto the Vatican… you know damn well we’d be like “Oh hellllll no”. Exactly. But we were a tiny tad bit jealous of the tourists who did climb for the killer views and great photo shots. Oh well… But the Aboriginal term for annoying ants is “Minga”. The Aboriginal term for tourists is “Minga.” ‘Nuff said.
* Men’s business, Women’s business: some sites are strictly for men and others are for women only. One site was particularly interesting as a men’s only site. Do you see what we see? (pic to left - what perverts!)
* TV Show ‘Lost’: people are really into the show. We met a bartender who talked to us for hours about it. He was a major conspiracy theorist. I guess he’s got all the time in the world in the outback to let his mind run wild. If you recall, there was also an episode where Rose (the African-American lady) goes to Ayers Rock/Uluru with her husband to see if the wacky outback Aussie guy can cure her illness. Well, the closest thing to finding a guy like this was the bartender we met.

* Walking on Mars: red sand and rock everywhere. No life forms nearby. Felt just like it… not that we’ve been to Mars… yet.
* Gorges: really beautifully shaped rock canyons and mountains. When asked what Andrew thought about their beauty, he replied: “They are absolutely GORGES. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.”

* Canyons: they are brown with dark brown symmetrical stripes, rock pieces crumbling to form rounded shapes. Andrew said it looked like a fairyland of Keebler fudge striped cookies, Girl Scout Samoas, or stacks of Jenga pieces waiting to be played with. My husband is such a fat little kid.


II. Animals

* Rabbits are evil: You must be thinking that I’m crazy to make such a comment about fuzzy cute animals, but yes…they are evil. Rabbits are non-native to the continent. Back in the days when the white man first came to Australia, a man ordered two dozen rabbits so he could let them run wild and hunt them for fun. Unbeknownst to him, rabbits bred like a bunch of…err…rabbits. To date, there are 300 MILLION rabbits running around eating everything in sight. There are no natural predators of rabbits so they have free rule of the entire continent. Aussies detest rabbits so much that they built the world’s longest fence, the Rabbit Proof Fence, to contain them on one side of the continent so they can farm on the other. The Aussies even demoted the Easter Bunny and gave the crown to their native animal, the Easter Bilby.
* Cute hopping mouse: imagine a miniature kangaroo the size of your standard kiwi fruit…it hops. It’s a mouse. It’s cute.
* Kangaroos: finally we see them in the wild. They are nocturnal creatures so we only saw them at sunset and sunrise. It was straight out of a tourist video.

* Camels: These humpbacked creatures are also non-native to Australia. They were imported from the Middle East. Now, Australia has more camels than any other country. They have so many, in fact, that they export camels back to the Middle East! We even saw a few camel farms. We met more camels than people.

* Reptiles: the most poisonous snakes in the world, lizards with blue-tongues, salamanders with more spikes than Shredder from TMNT, geckos that stare at you like they’re about to sell you auto insurance. Yes that's Andrew's arm!
* Wild horses: imagine staring out a bus window looking only at red sands, the occasional road kill and dry bush for hours. All of a sudden, a pack of “Anheuser Busch” wild horses are chilling out together having a mid-day snack. The site was amazing!
* Wichetty grubs: a gigantic larvae of a moth. Found in the roots of a plant native in the desert. More on them below...

III. Cuisine

You may wonder what we actually ate in the outback. Well, there is no such thing as Outback Steakhouse in the outback. What are these Australians thinking!?

* Camel: the other red meat. Low cholesterol. Looked like a hot dog but it was not made of mystery meat. No mystery here! It’s camel, remember? We told you.
* Crocodile: tastes like chicken. We’ll stick to chicken too…but brings new meaning to the acronym, KFC.
* Beet root in burgers: Beetroot is HUGE here. It’s like their Kimchee. They even put it in their burgers!
* ‘Roo: really tasty! Lean (from hopping around), not too gamey. We tasted traditional Aboriginal style ‘roo tail -freshly chopped off the body. Cooked while covered in coal with the fur still on…keeps the juices in. Yummmm. “There’s hair in my food! Oh wait, that’s normal.”
* Wichetty grubs: As we mentioned above, these worm-like things are gigantic moth larvae. They’re cute to hold and pet. Aboriginals ate them as a source of protein and moisture. Apparently, you’re not a ‘real’ Australian if you haven’t eaten a live one. So to earn the honors, Teresa and I popped them like candy. But they didn’t taste like candy at all… imagine a tough rubbery tripe-like outer skin, filled with gooey guts like raw egg yolk, with a skull that crunched in your teeth like peanuts. So after eating it, all the Aussies in our group said they’ve never eaten it. Bastards! Oh well… Rub a dub dub, thanks for the witchetty grub. So if a picture is worth a thousand words, here’s a video that’s worth one: NASTY.

IV. Random Thoughts/Observations:

* Met a bunch of European travelers. One couple from France was surprised that we knew they were French. The man goes: “Ehhh… how do you know vee are le French peepo? Izz it thet obviouz?” When he talked about doing some diving in the Barrier Reef, I almost thought he was going to ask me, “Should you some scuba? Looban? Should you some scuba?” (anyone get that reference? Hehe)
* Aboriginal people: got f*cked. the end.(just seeing if you are paying attention).Well it’s sad, but true. We learned so much about their culture (still much more to learn) and we realize how hollow the stereotypes are. Their traditions and values are beautiful.
* It’s always such a nice feeling being away from the laptop and cell phone. What a novel idea having to pay $$$$ to get away.
* In our hiking tour group, there was a flamboyantly gay couple from Spain. It was like a scene from “Detras Rota Montana” (Brokeback Mountain). So when we arrived at an oasis called the “Garden of Eden”, and witnessed the gay dudes embracing each other while dipping their feet in the water… we couldn’t resist calling them ‘Adam and Steve’. One guy was wearing a tight red shirt - talk about tasty forbidden fruit! No hating here, just thought it was all too coincidentally funny.
* School of the Air: very cool thing for me (Teresa). It’s been called the ‘World’s Largest Classroom’. Several children in the remote areas of the outback do not have access to schools nearby. So in the early 1900s, a brilliant woman acted upon her idea of utilizing radio waves to teach children. That idea has grown into a ‘school’ of nearly 100 kids using internet/streaming video/chatting tools to participate in a virtual classroom environment. Very neato mosquito.

Back to civilization. It was nice having a break, but it is also nice having the amenities of a large city. Namely - no freak insects, paved roads, and of course, the internet.

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