Time to stop using the Oil of Olay

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The sun's still shining in Sydney - who'd have thought? - so it's time to hit the beach again. I chose Bondi - not because it's the nicest of all the beaches around here but because I need to get myself on an episode of Bondi Rescue of course. Preferably through being in the background of a scene rather than inciting a full-on rescue at sea...

At Bondi, I picked my spot near to the water and watched the lifeguard on duty bomb up and down in his buggy, shouting at the backpackers determined to swim in the rip (Melissa - it was H on duty, fyi...). The TV cameras approached the couple sitting in front of me - a French couple as it later transpired - as they had sombreros and the crew thought this would make good 'Christmas at Bondi' telly. Once they convinced the French woman to put her top back on - a mission in its own right - they filmed a short piece to camera which I am strategically placed in the background of. There'll be a wine and cheese night coming up, Melissa, for us to sit back and watch my starring moment!

The fun started once the cameras stopped rolling. For the French woman proceeded to strip again, and caught in the moment, the pair decided to bring their bedroom action to the beach. And not in any mild way - think pay per view television...I'll save you the gory details. Cue a riot of angry parents, quite rightly screaming at them to stop, given their kids were around. I'm already half way back up the beach when I can hear the French couple screaming back at those offended by seeing their little show. So when you see them on the telly, you too will now know what happened when the cameras stopped rolling....!

That evening I went to the bar attached to the side of Wake Up! Sydney hostel, Side bar. I got there, late as always. Went to walk in before I got the hand on the shoulder. 'ID please'. You're kidding - 34 and being ID'd! I laughed. Doorman didn't find it as funny. Tried charm. Fail. Tried sneaking in under his armpit. Bigger fail. Taxi then, back to my hostel and then taxi back again to the bar. Fortunately the taxi on the way back to the bar gave me a half price bargain deal and a load of tissues to mop my brow as he could see I was old enough to drink (backhanded compliment but I'll take it). Back at the bar, and doorman now lets me in with a smile on his face. Think it may well have been his brothers taking my money off me in the taxis somehow...

Inside, and I meet up with Emma and the guys we met by the pool in Byron Bay. Everyone's in Christmas hats and elf outfits behind the bar. An hour left to go of Christmas Eve and the countdown starts from the DJ. 1 hour to go, 45 minutes, 30 minutes, 15 minutes, 5 minutes (cue Fairytale of New York playing), 1 minute and then the Big Ben dongs start to play. Is it me or have I been forwarded a week to New Year's Eve? Then the cries of 'Happy Christmas!' all around and hugs/kisses. I start saying Happy New Year to people and they say it back - everyone's confused! First song post dongs is Mariah Carey which is enough for me to leg it...

The girls and I left together and on the walk back to the YHA, picked up a man with his head in his hands, sitting on some steps, claiming he had no idea where he was, in a German accent. He looked like Eddie Izzard but as it was Christmas, we called him Jesus, due to our inability to pronounce his real name. We planned on dumping him at the reception desk at the YHA until we bumped into an Irish man wearing a Christmas jumper, and a German guy, who we thought could help with translation issues with Jesus. I took the cue, and bailed out into my third taxi of the night.

Back at my hostel and there's another drunk, this time English and female, slumped in an alley. I try to help her but she's in no mood to be helped and can just about tell me to get lost and that she lives here before a doorman bundles her into an unsuspecting taxi driving past. Back in my hostel room and there's no sign of my French friends - going to be another late night for them I fear. I resisted the urge to open any of the presents I've been carting around with me for the last 3 months and crash out - really looking forward to Christmas on the beach tomorrow, although if today's anything to go by, it's going to be carnage....

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