some writing,

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some writing,
i'm going to start putting my poetry up here, this isnt all poetry, infact, its very little,
but more will come up as time goes on.. 😊

Listening to Cat Stevens is probably not the best thing,
But I struggle to think why not,
When at low points in my life,
I reach for the most depressing of songs,
I’m not sure why, its just how I do it,
I’m fucking lonely.
I’m 25 in a couple of weeks and it brings me to tears that the ony friend I’ve had that has stuck by me so close, as my closest companion is the bottle.
And I use that as an excuse too.
I want to be with someone,
I’m almost at the point of anyone,
The last girl,
In love with someone else,
And she was to young and immature,
Before that its girls with serious problems in there lives,
And I cant find anyone that fits me right,
I stopped searching along time ago,
And since Ive just had them fall into my lap,
I tried when I was younger to ‘chase’ girls or whatever it is,
And I quickly realized that I’m better off not looking,
What will happen will happen,
And I struggle with so many other things in my life,
That I am searching for someone that can be the good part of my life,
That’s what I need,
I need someone that loves me so unconditionally,
That I don’t have to look after,
I’m sick of looking after myself,
And even then I don’t do such a good job of it,
My knees are getting horrible,
I cant believe how much pain a body part can give out,
And my mates, they really are the best part of my life,
They understand me and I am so close and comfortable with them
But there aren’t that many,
And they provide me with a really important part of my life,
But I want and need, a woman to love,
I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with,
I want to start that life now!
I want to have a few years of marriage without kids,
And my time is running out for that.
i want to get out of debt and start living with positive money,
that I am working towards right now,
the things right in my life are:
my family, they are great and I don’t give them the time they deserve,
my mates, the family that I have created for myself, who know me so well, and who have been there for me,
my rovers, who I give so much of my life to that is coming to an end. I am going to miss them terribly, I’m less than twelve months left with them, and what is sad is that I have been back in aus for 2 weeks and I haven’t seen them, and infact have barely told any of them I am back.
I think I am trying to think about disappearing for a while,
Heading elsewehere in Australia, to try a different place, I’ll still be me, but with new people to experience, new places to see, and..

Loneliness…
To sit in a bunch of your friends, and cry,
To be on a crowded train, and wish to die,
To have a phone bill through the roof,
Trying to find someone to replace the 40 proof,
To wake up and feel no one else there,
In a room full of bodies but no one to care,
To spend each day living for yourself which can drag on,
Speaking and hearing a voice that sings a sad song,
To break this there needs to be an attitude change,
I am lonely and have been for sometime.



I was close to crying earlier, at the start of this writing, I just want to do it,
I haven’t thought so much in ages,
I haven’t been so close to being happy to have it ripped so violently from my life,
And I let it happen,
I sat here in this world that I live in,
And I let my heart and my need for happiness get dragged along through someone elses feelings, and the lack of them for me,
I sat and watched them happen, with more than one opportunity to walk away and get out,
And the reason I stayed, against all those opinions that were right, more than right infact,
Because I was hoping… hoping above hope that perhaps I might have another chance at being happy with someone,
It just happened that they seem to be happier with someone else,
And I sat and listened for 2 months of how this person hurt them so much, and they were walking away,
and I listened and I believed,
and then the words overflowing of love respect and appreciation for me started,
and so of course as a fool rushing in, I believed, because I wanted to believe,
and for a brief part of my life again, I wasn’t lonely, I had someone to care for,
and who cared for me, though only briefly,
to watch this happen must have been interesting, for looking at those who were observing everyone was stoked,
everyone was happy that she was happy, and happier than what she had seemed for so long,
and they were happy to see the change in me again, where I could be more confident and I started to glow from the inside again, I had the candle within me that had been joined by another candle and my heart was full of light,
and then my decision that I had made before all this had come up for the time to start, and I left, I left what I was after, what I wanted, and went in search of an experience, an overseas experience,
and of that experience I have had many thoughts, the main one has seen me return home quicker than most people expected, I love my home to much, I don’t want to leave it again, this country of mine, of ours, is so special and beautiful to me, I feel bad that I had to spend 2 months away from its soil and shores,
and I came back, to my home, and my happiness,
to have the only other thing other than home that could make me supremely happy,
tell me, without words, that she’s had a change of heart,
that what she has is something she cant walk away from,
and I sit there,
in utter silence,
as I listen to the lies that have been spoke to me for the last few weeks,
and as the truth comes out,
I wonder why I bothered,
To get involved,
To trust my heart again,
To someone else,
I am glad that my home cant do that to me,
Otherwise I would have broken,
At the moment I am in 2 parts,
I am so relieved and glad to be back home,
Where I can breathe,
And travel,
And live,
The way I want, the way I know, the way I can.
And I was looking forward to sharing that,
But alas I have to do it on my own again,
Its not such a bad thing,
But I have done it for so long now,
I was looking forward to coming home and showing off my country, to someone who probably knows it better, at least a little more in places been.,
And to rid myself of a loneliness, that has covered me for most of my life,
With a few brief times that I’ve been privaliged to share
And this last time,
Has hurt more than the others,
Because it is the first time I was lied to,
And not told the truth,
2 different things, trust me,
ad I was not told what was happening,
even when I returned it was still not made clear,
until 2 days ago,
and it became clear what I meant in the eyes of the person who only 2 months ago showed me so much respect and love,
I dropped from her heart quicker than a bullet shot to the ground,
I quickly became nothing,
And I had been nothing for a short time,
And she didn’t have the guts to tell me,
Instead it was dragged on, and on,
And I in the weakest I have of my character,
Let it happen,
It is very easy to hurt ben if you know how,
Have hime fall in love with you,
Then leave him without giving him a clear understanding of why,
And even then I wont understand,
I seem to be missing that part of my brain or heart,
I love unconditionally,
And not that easily,
But this time I did,
And look where it got me,
Used, which is a first for me,
And it surprises me I let myself get there,
But I’m hopeless in love,
Everyone who knows me well, knows that of me,
I gotta learn and deal with it,
And I am
But this one was special,
This one hurt me without me hurting her back,
Which I usually do,
But why bother hurting her back,
When she doesn’t care or love me anyway, or even like me perhaps,
You cant hurt people who think of you like that,
Because, you don’t exist,
And that’s a new experience for Ben,
I mean nothing to her,
But I mean something o others,
I know that,
I’m just lonely, tis all.

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