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Published: December 29th 2007
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I'm always a bit embarrassed when I tell someone, "I'm spending the Winter on Tortola.... I'll be surfing mostly." I guess I feel a bit guilty knowing that while I may be drinking a second cup of morning coffee on my patio watching a whale swim by guiding its calf north along the coast or trying to decide which surfboard to ride that morning, the person I'm telling could be scraping a half inch of ice off his windshield. I worry that perhaps he left his gloves in the car the night before and he is working bare knuckled. Maybe the car won't even start. Does he have the flu? So I don't usually bring it up and in fact try to hide it.
Still people ask me and want to know more. "Is it nice there?" they ask. "Yes, it is really nice there. No, I don't own a place. I rent." This always seems to make them feel better. I can hear them thinking, "Hah! He probably can't afford a place there." They are correct of course. I can't afford a place. Or at least that is not how I want to spend money. "Will you work while you are there?" they often ask. You can almost see them daring me to say no, so I always say, "Oh yes. I work a lot there. Every morning and every night." They nod in approval and it seems to lessen their anger and I can see the glee in their eyes, as they say to themselves "Well what the hell is the point of going if you have to work there?". Where is it? Tortola? they often ask. I always say, "East of St. Thomas." They nod knowingly. "Ah, yes, St. Thomas." Of course they have no idea where St. Thomas is either, but they have at least heard of it. So they feel better having some frame of reference. It seems they ask questions to keep me from talking. Most don't really care about me or Tortola. For most folks, if it is not Disneyland, they can't really relate to it. The adventurous ones may have gone to Cancun. But those two spots and maybe one of the major beaches in Florida covers vacation destination for about 99% of the people I talk to.
Not everyone responds the same way of course when they hear you are going to Tortola. . My true friends, the ones who love me no matter what, always say pretty much the same thing. "You suck!" or 'You are such an asshole." or my favorite, "God I fucking hate you." These words of pure love really warm my heart. These friends always look you in the eye and smile broadly as they spill their venom. I feel so fortunate that so many of my friends tell me they hate me upon hearing my plans. A true friend enjoys your success vicariously and can tell you openly and honestly that they are simultaneously jealous and happy for you.
I'm most wary of those folks who say, "Must be nice." These are the ones who live life as victims. They lead miserable lives and do nothing about relieving their plight and then they get jealous and even envious that you have something they don't have. They lack the clarity to see that everything comes at a cost. No one forced them to buy that $700,000 house in the proper neighborhood. Must both members of the couple drive a Lexus? Now the mortgage and car payments have choked them to the point that the only vacation they will be taking for the forseeable future will be to visit the rodent in Florida. And they really do think you suck when you tell them you are spending the winter surfing in Tortola. I'm sure they go home and bitch at one another for the rest of the evening about each other's spending habits. Putting the blame on each other for leading quiet and desperate lives.
I think when someone asks about your Tortola trip, they have an obligation to shut up and let you go on for a bit. I don't want to be interrupted to hear about the trip they are taking to Chicago to visit their college roommate from twenty years ago complete with a segue into a story about a night they spent together drinking beer at a fraternity. Please. If you ask, you have to shut the fuck up for 3 minutes, listen and let me go on a bit about my story. After all, you asked. And please don't try to connect with me by mentioning your trip to Cancun. First, I don't think it is at all adventurous. That dump is like Disney World in Mexico. Except Cancun is not even in Mexico, okay? The waitstaff uses better English than our President does.
You want some cred? Tell me about a place I haven't been. Tell me about Cuba. Especially, if you got drunk in Havana and had planned to marry a prostitute until you got chased down an alley by her pimp brandishing a knife while he threatened to cut out your heart and feed it to his chickens.
So off I go. I hope you will check back from time to time and I hope I have some fun and interesting stories to share.
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