Week Eight – USA to Canada

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Seattle, Vancouver (Canada)

Day 49 - Monday
04.05.2009

We’re in Seattle or Se-tle as we like to pronounce it to fuck with the locals. We’ve only got one more day here so we wanted to fill it with Seattle-y things. Our itinerary consisted of seeing the Space Needle, going to Seattle’s aquarium and hiring a rowboat to fuck around on Lake Washington.
The Space Needle which is basically the city’s viewing tower was rather expensive for what it was, we figured we were going to visit taller buildings in New York so we wouldn’t pay to go up it but why not go and visit it? It is after all, very iconic for the city. We took the obligatory twatty photos of ourselves, with and around the needle. Right next door was the science centre and a children’s fairground, obviously this presented us with more photo opportunities of Gem and I running around posing like big gay bitches. That was far too much energy exerted however so we thought it time for sit down and a fag (for Gem) while we chatted with a local about the comparisons between the U.S and the U.K.
We needed to get a wriggle on as the day was running away with us so we headed over to Seattle’s Aquarium. It was nothing out of the ordinary for an aquarium but we had a laugh. There were lots of interactive things for “the kids” - we had loads of fun messing around and you guessed it, taking twatty photos. After a wrestling match with an octopus, suggestive photos with the “ring of life” display and posing next to the good old Nemo and Dory tank we headed for the seal feeding extravaganza. I don’t know about you but for us once you’ve seen a thousand bloaters in the wild you’ve seen them all so we didn’t waste much time in moving on. It was at this point that Gem thought she saw the actress Claire Danes in the tropical fish section. As we couldn’t get close enough to gawp without it being obvious, I asked her if she would take our picture. She did but it wasn’t. Looked a lot like her though and we got excited about the prospect all the same - it’s the small things in life.
Right that was enough fucking around with fish for one day, hahaha I’m sure I’ve said that before (sorry couldn’t resist.)
Any who we were going to go row boating and bust out this banging birthday surprise for MT, aka Gem’s Mum (which will be explained later) however it was now raining (bastard) so we had to jack it in and instead head over to the college district to have a wander. While there we stumbled upon a really small cinema with only two films showing and as it was raining we thought why not? As we would never pay to go see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past we opted for The Soloist with Robert Downey Jr and Jamie Foxx. Very good film about the friendship that develops between a writer and a musician with some sort of mental condition. Jamie Foxx playing a minority within a minority he is bound to get an Oscar.

We headed back to our party pad that is the banging Interstate 5 Motel 6 and as it was SO far away from civilisation we prepared the room for the good times to roll. As Gem made the nightly trip to the ice machine to fill the sink and get those beers a-coolin’, I prepared the area for MT’s (birthday) magical, meraviglioso message madness that was to ensue.
After bouncing the ideas off one another and the three failed attempts (as I messed up pressing the record button) we had it down to an art form. I coloured my hand into a movie clackerboard, we both sang happy birthday to MT, half in Italian, half in English, and then Gem did her thing and said something special in Italian all the while I was recording it on my phone with a bit of Laura Pausini in the background, it couldn’t have been done any better. After we loaded it up on the net the next day we received MT’s reaction. I think just a few tears were shed - rather a success I think.


Day 50 - Tuesday
05.05.2009

Happy Birthday MT!

It was time to leave Seattle and the States and head for the much awaited destination of Vancouver to visit Gem’s friend, Michelle. Leaving Washington State and going into the province of British Columbia, Canada we of course had to go through border control. I had no idea how in-depth they would go in asking us questions about our travels and our intentions but with the obvious questions answered and a stamp in the passport we were through in about twenty minutes. Apparently it’s easier to go from the U.S to Canada than the other way around; I guess we have that to look forward to later.
The only immediate difference between the two countries for me driving was the speed signs. They were now in kilometres per hour and driving there was so slow it only ever went up to 100kph (60mph) wherever we went. I only mention this because as brilliant as our car was the speedometer was shit and with the speed sign change it was really hard to gauge how fast we were going. Just a bit of pointless information, but a little insight into our experience all the same.

We made it to Michelle’s, who might I mention is Gem’s ex (hahaha there’s definitely a chance for some embarrassing questions later) and we let ourselves in as she was at work. We were met by her kitty cat, Baby, who was a little shy at first but after she got used to us was the most ADORABLE kitty ever. Baby has alopecia on her underside so is a little bare but this only adds to her charm. She has the cutest internal throaty meow thing when she says hello to you and the rest of her fur is so soft. I am getting a little carried away but it’s only because I love her so much. I am sure I will be blogging about Baby throughout the week so I will space it out for you.

Once we were there it was really nice to be in a home again so we made ourselves, at home straight away and racked up a pile of DVDs we wanted to watch and went to town on them. We put on Miss Congeniality and Knocked Up before Michelle got home.
She’s cool and really happy to see Gem again, she kind of reminded me of Drew Barrymore in some of her mannerisms and the way she spoke.
That night it was a very chilled affair as we were so tired. Michelle drove us over to her brother’s house to meet him, his fiancé and his seven week old son, Devin, who of course was the centrepiece for all topics of conversation. While Gem had a squeeze and got all broody I sat back and fought the feeling of sleep.


Day 51 - Wednesday
06.05.2009

This morning I was awoken early by Baby, or Baby Baby Boo as I was calling her now who was head butting me to stroke her. Even though I was knackered I couldn’t be mad as she was so cute.
Gem and I got a wriggle on and hit up the info centre as I had no idea what Vancouver had to offer us. We also had Michelle’s sat nav to guide us which was brilliant - I am so gonna get me one of those. With our newly-acquired knowledge we started with Granville Market. We were expecting good things as we always do with markets, however we were a little disappointed when we realised it was mainly food. There was loads of art around as the art college was located there so we had a browse around trying to appreciate it as best we can. We did find sculptures in the style of the endoskeletons from Terminator which were very cool and we of course got chatting to the guy looking after them about the new film.

That evening we were going with Michelle to her friends house for a “ANTM” night. For those of you who can’t work that out - so basically anyone who isn’t the Marmalades, that’s the America’s Next Top Model night.
Every week all of the women get together and watch it with all taking part in a pool to see who will win and this week was the penultimate episode. To break down what this evening actually is all about, is basically, every week all of the women get together and scream at the TV until the episode is over. It was mad. A few times Gem and I just looked at each other with fear in our eyes. To get through this evening of shrieks we got pissed - a pretty good solution I think. The best thing about this evening was that the hostess had Tibo’d the show and so was fast forwarding through the adverts. 15 minutes into it while trying to skip the first break, she instead hit the skip chapter button and rather unfortunately went straight to exactly the point of elimination. The room went wild as quite possibly most of these women live just for this moment and it had been ruined. Gem and I had never laughed so hard - brilliant entertainment.

On returning to the house that night I thought id do my duty as Gems best friend and embarrass the shit out of her by bringing up her and Michelle’s history with each other (which I found out they had never spoken about in 8 years!). After a bit of umm-ing and arw-ing, squirming, sheepish looks and Gem sending me dagger eyes I wasn’t getting any answers out of them so I retired to bed as my work here was done.


Day 52 - Thursday
07.05.2009

We unfortunately woke up to rain, we weren’t put off by it but due to this and a few other things we decided to do some much needed chilling out, blog-writing, photo-uploading, film-watching and kitty-cat playing.
We spent all day in our “house clothes” doing all of the above - we watched Snakes on a Plane and Clueless, both classics - don’t diss the classics.
I also downloaded the remainder of the L Word to be fully enjoyed later and took advantage all that time with Baby Boo Yar - at one point I had a nap and woke to Baby asleep balancing on my side - awwww, love that kitty.
Once Michelle got home we worked the grill and had ourselves a BBQ - it was good stuff.
Me and Gem then stayed up late listening to the best of Power Ballads, blogging and having a bitching match on Facebook which was all in jest, promise.


Day 53 - Friday
08.05.2009

After our lazy day we wanted to put our info to good use and get out and see some of Vancouver so we went and booked ourselves a whale watching trip. At $120 it was pricey but we were both really up for it and the tour stated guaranteed sightings or a free trip next time. As we weren’t planning on coming back to Vancouver for some time it was fingers crossed that there were some whales out there for us.
We drove out to Steveston, just outside of Vancouver as we’d heard good recommendations for that particular tour and as soon as we had paid up we were presented with one of the best things about the experience - we got to dress up. We were fully kitted up in bright yellow baggy dungarees, matching jacket and beanie hat. I felt like I had to get into character and followed this dress up session by posing as Brian Harvey from East 17 - had to be done.
We got to our sea vessel which was an open top sea cruiser. It could have held about 40 people but luckily this trip only had twelve people on it so we could walk around quite freely which was good for me and my camera. It was twenty minutes into the choppy seas when I informed Gem that the only time I had been “out at sea” was on a year 8 school trip to Bologne where I got really bad sea sickness and through up all over the cruise ship’s carpet. I honestly did get a little scared at this point of a repeat performance. To fight this fear I thought what better than to fill up on leftover hot dogs from last night’s barbecue. It actually did work a treat.
It took us an hour to get to the first sighting of something and that was porpoises. These were from the dolphin family so not quite a whale yet but cool all the same.
When we did finally did see whales they were orcas aka Free Willy whales. While everyone went crazy trying to get a picture of what only can be described as shadow on the horizon, the tour guide gave us a little info and told us we were watching Princess Angelina and family. Me and Gem of course sniggered at how gay their names were.
We saw about fifteen of them altogether and I tried to get a good shot but the moments were so fleeting sometimes you had to stand back and just take it all in. It was a very cool experience, one we were definitely pleased to have done. Before we headed back we also got a chance to see grey whales which are much larger than the orcas. Because of this though they didn’t frolic around the water as much so were a little harder to see in all of their glory. We did however see them spy-tipping three times in a row, which is when they stick their noses really high out of the water. Apparently this is very rare and we were lucky to have witnessed it. We were out for about four hours in total so with all of that fresh air and excitement behind us, Gem and I were knackered - we slept the hour journey back to shore.
This pretty much summed up our evening to as the tiredness carried on. We did however get something productive done and did some much needed L-Word watching all the while shouting at Bluey “We hate Jenny!” (Agreed ladies?)


Day 54 - Saturday
09.05.2009

It was Saturday but we still couldn’t hang out with Michelle as it was North America’s Mothers Day and she was spending the weekend with her Mum and all the women in her family in a cabin at Cultus Lake - we hadn’t exactly planned this brilliantly.
Not to worry as we charged on with our day and drove off to the Capilano Suspension Bridge; something that we thought was typically Vancouverian. I say “thought” as since we’ve seen signs for about six other suspension bridges in the same area. It was a bit pricey and very touristy but this never bothers us as no matter how touristy it ever gets, Gem and I still find something there to fully entertain us in our own special way. In the case of this little activity, it was me posing on a fallen log fully embracing the character of Baby from Dirty Dancing and Gem kneeling on her trainers while on the suspension bridge pretending to be an ewok - see, fun all around, wouldn’t you say?!
Gem and I also completely indulged our inner (or possibly our not so inner) child when we took part in the “I was brave enough to cross the suspension bridge” certificate challenge. Yes we were brave enough despite Gem’s apparent vertigo and me taking great pleasure in rocking the bridge to intensify this - hahahaha.

After our day of frivolities we thought it best to go and consume something greasy as we had plans that night to go out and get some much needed drink down us - we hadn’t been out on the piss since Eugene, 9 days ago!! Later we hooked up with Kim, Michelle’s friend who Gem had met very briefly last year. After a shocking supposed 40 minute bus journey that actually took us an hour and a half as we got it in the wrong direction, we finally made it to where she was waiting for us. With a few pleasantries over it seemed like it was almost time to leave to go to the club as we had arrived so late. Gem and I didn’t waste any time in downing a couple of pints - we were definitely on a mission.
It seemed like we went everywhere that night. Once we found somewhere, Kim wasn’t quite happy with it and we had to leave. People always looking for something better will never find it. Gem and I could have fun in an empty room, drinking orange liqueur with a radio playing “Come on Eileen” if we so chose to - in fact I think we did, when we lived together.
This moving around didn’t annoy me too much at the time as by this point I was paralytic and can’t remember a fucking thing other than befriending a woman so short she could have passed for a midget. Any who what does stick with me from this night was that I caught Gem and Kim having a snog on the dancefloor. This dear blog readers will well and truly be coming back to bite Gem on the ass but that’s for later.
As for me I passed out on Kim’s sofa unaware of the pain to await me in the morning.


Day 55 - Sunday
10.05.2009

Today has become known as “THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.”
Oh my god. I had every ailment of a hangover you can think of. I was dizzy and the room was spinning, I felt sick, I had a headache and I was definitely dehydrated. With Gem and Kim’s incessant chirping also meant I couldn’t sleep it off.
Even a hangover coke didn’t help and the thought of the Burger King that was offered to me made even me want to become a vegan.
The hour car journey back to Michelle’s didn’t help in the slightest and I spent the whole time lying in the back, clinging to the seat and fighting the constant onset of vomit at any minute. What was to top this amazing day off was that when we got back, Michelle’s housemate Tracy delivered the news that I’d left the side lights on the car all night and as she had no way of getting in touch with us the battery was dead - I wanted to cry.
After a good bit of dry retching I held off from passing out for another ten minutes while Tracy’s friend helped us attach jump cables and juice up Bluey once more. I then got my chance to crawl up in bed with Baby in tow to make myself feel a little more human again.

Now it’s at this point I realised that that little decision Gem made on the dance floor with Kim the previous night was about to take that chunk from her arse. Kim who was still there after my rather lengthy nap, was now having a guitar lesson off Gem, nipping out to get some “fresh air” coincidentally when Gem needed a cigarette, sharing headphones with Gem so she could hear her favourite song, and asking questions such as “what were you like as a child? Do you have any siblings? What does your poo smell like?”

No offence to Kim, lovely girl but it was all a bit too much and by 11.30 PM! she still wasn’t showing any signs of leaving. It was even too much for me to sit there and snigger and watch Gem squirm while giving me knowing looks of desperation when Kim wasn’t looking - I just wanted her to piss off so we could watch the L Word. Finally as if our minds synced up without any communication to one another we knew what to do. With the acting skills inspired upon us by the legendary actress Beyonce Knowles, we both stretched our arms and yawned very loudly and said “yes-we-are-very-tired-and-we-have-a-long-drive-in-the-morning.” I don’t know how but that proverbial penny finally dropped and Kim realised that tonight was not her night and she said her goodbyes. When Gem came back in from making sure she had got into her car and did actually drive away she just said to me “Dude, we’re not actually going to bed are we?” to which my reply was “Errr no!”

Fucking women.

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