So How Am I, Really?

---

This is perhaps a more difficult blog to write. OMG, to talk about myself and how I feel. Now that is scary.

So how am I really? It's 3 months on the 13th sice I arrived in the USA and for most of that time I have been in a good frame of mind.

Right now I would rate myself at a 6 out of 10, down an 8. Why?

I know that depression doesn't go away. I know that I need to get better at managing my state of mind. I know that events effect me more than they should. I know that I'm getting better at managing what I think about but some days some thoughts get inside me and I have great trouble reigning them back or looking for the good is unpleasant situations.

I'm effected greatly by the lingering questions surrounding my marriage to Mary-Anne.

What happenned?
What sort of a husband could I have been for Mary-Anne to warrent to what I believed to be a great relationship.
Yes I was very unwell and unable to look after myself very well.
How can I enter into another relationship if I couldn't make this one work.
The questons go on but you get the idea .

I miss the friendship and the kinship of the relationship.

Ten hours in a truck each day on my own gives me plenty of time to think and seriously folks there is only so much Country music one can listen to on the radio! I'm looking at purchasing some audio books but the seem really expensive so if anyone has any ideas please let me know.

It's scary to dream about the future and what I could do. I used to be really good at setting goals for the year, dream building, and setting about bringing those goals to fruition.

So what have been some of the good things to come out of the last 3 years?

I have got to spend time with my Mum and Dad and tyo get to know them both from a different point of view. I would say that we have become much closer over this time. I have seen more of and had more to do with my sisters, Gillian & Pip. I have had more to do with and come to know my nephew, Tim.
I've discovered my passion for photography, drawing and sculpture. I now have nothing to do with real estate brokerage.
I can now see some of my behaviour patterns. Some of my goals and dreams set me up for failure. In other words I became overly optimistic about about my ability to achieve what I set out to do.

One of the most satisfying projects I undertook with a former Lincoln College colleague was perhaps one of the most exciting times of my life. The Bumble Bee Company. The impact on the people involved was, for some, life changing.

How does one rebuild their life?

I need to think about that in my truck tomorrow as I load chopped corn plants for silage. Smells much nicer than the 30,000 tons of stinky cow poo that we have moved over recent weeks.

---

Comments

[dale]

Audio books
send me your email address and I will send you some audio books you will need windows media player or itunes like when you rip a cd. You then create a play list and sync to your MP3 player or ipod

[Nigel Harte]

audio books
Thanks for that Dale. I look forward to receiving the files and listening to them in the truck. My email is as follows; [e-mail] Regards Nigel

[Geoff Chambers]

Hang in there bro
Thinking of you and praying for you back home. Keep up the good work Nigel.

[Tony Robertson]

Audio Books
Hey Nigel, enjoying your blog. I wonder if you could obtain audio books from a library? Can do here. All the best to you my friend, Tony.