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Published: June 28th 2005
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Warren, PA
Good old Warren as seen from Washington Park. Looks pretty picturesque, doesn't it? As you can probably tell, I'm not in Japan yet. But things are starting to fall into place, so I thought this would be a good time to start. I got my certificate of eligibility from Osaka, so I can mail everything to the Japanese Consulate and get my visa. I also have a housing form to fill out so that Kansai Gaidai knows where to put me. I got a new scholarship from the Warren Foundation, so the money is also finally working out. It was touch and go for a while, believe me!
I talked to Zach's (
ZachInJapan) mom today. He's still in Mongolia, doing well, and he'll be back in the states on the 30th of July. His mom is such a sweetheart! She told me I can stay with them for a day or two and they'll drive us together to the airport. That's a relief, and will be much easier for my mom. Now, I just have to figure out how to get to Wrightsville....
I have to say, the closer and closer our departure gets, the more excited and anxious I am to go. Not worried, just impatient. I've travelled abroad before, so I think I can handle everything. At first, I thought this was just normal excitement, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I really can't wait to be out of
here. Out of Warren, out of Pennsylvania... out of the US. Every day is a constant reminder of how close-minded the people around me are, how they are living in a tiny, comfortable bubble that they could never be brave enough to step outside.
I guess I've been thinking about this because of something that happened with one of my friends. Rachel, the girl I went to Otakon with last year, recently emailed my family from college. She said that she has found God and can no longer be friends with us because we don't share and wouldn't want to hear about her new-found faith. She also said that I get "upset when she talks about God," which is a blatant lie. I only get upset when people try to proselytize to me. I actually quite enjoy talking about all kinds of religion in an open and understanding matter. But I think this lie made her feel more comfortable with throwing away a friendship so cavalierly.
This in and of itself didn't upset me so much. We hadn't known each other that long, and I understand that the first year of college can be very trying, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. However, I decided to talk to my friend Ann about it, who is also a fundamentalist Christian. However, being my friend, I thought she would agree with me that it is not a very Christian thing to treat a so-called friend this way and toss them aside without so much as a second thought. To my surprise (and horror), she agreed with Rachel! "The Bible tells us not to consort with non-believers, because of their corrupting influence." Is that how my "best" friend feels about me? That I'm nothing more than a corrupting influence? To hear those words hurt a lot. I've gotten used to being told that I'm going to burn in hell, but no one has ever told me that I'm dragging them along with me. I was raised as a Methodist, and yet I would have never dreamed of telling someone that they are going to hell, or worse, that I couldn't be friends with them because it might jeopardize my own soul. I think this is part of the reason I converted to Buddhism, because of the hypocrisy and selfishness I saw all around me in the Christian Church. I still believe that Christianity is and can be a positive force in one's life; my grandma is the kindest and most moral person I know, and she is a Christian. But too many people are using Christianity as a crutch or an excuse for intolerance, and I can't live with that.
I'm writing about this because it has thrown my whole perspective on this trip into a different focus. Once again, I've been reminded that I no longer feel a part of the world I live in. My own home - city and country - feels like a foreign land, and I feel like an alien. I no longer understand the people around me. Every day I am confronted by cruelty that disguises itself as kindness, by friends and family who (apparently) view me as an enemy. Everywhere I turn, I see hatred, people judging others when they have no right to do so, racism and prejudice disguised as religion or politics, and I realize that I
don't want to be here anymore.
I'm not naive enough to believe that I will instantly feel at home in Japan. However, I
expect to feel like a foreigner in a foreign country. That's part of the thrill and excitement. I do not expect to feel like one at home. Here, it's just hurts. While I'm there, just like when I was in Ireland, the confusion should only make it feel like more of an adventure.
What do I hope to get out of this trip to Japan? In a word, respite. A chance to get away from all these pressures and negative feelings, to recuperate and regain the strength and courage I need to face them on my own terms. So that when people face me with their anger, or close-mindedness, or even hatred, I have the patience and compassion to treat them with civility and kindness. Because my well of patience is running pretty low right now.
Days 'til I leave: 52 and counting.
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Word Power!
I always say that if you want to win over the public, use big words and persuasive arguments. I've already bookmarked this little blog so I can keep tabs on Kellie while she's far away from me. *Pretends to cry.* If all of your entries are this fun, I might just end up printing them and turning them into a booklet.