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Miss KO
You can barely see it under her jacketSorry for not updating forever. I haven’t been in the right mindstate to write, and thus I am jumping ahead almost four months from my last entry. Yes, there are a lot of holes…will I fill them in? Perhaps, but not at this time. I try to remain optimistic (to the point of naivety sometimes), and as such, I don’t want to revisit the single worst stretch of my life at this moment.
Thus I am hopping like an illegal to give you an ending to a chapter in my life that doesn't even come close to portraying the deep emotions, scars and change of character that occurred. But hopefully its enough to put some foreclosure so I can move on.
Onto the entry:
On Sunday April 18th, I was riding a bus.
I can’t recall why I was riding the bus. Perhaps to meet a friend. Perhaps to grab some food. Perhaps for some miscellaneous errand. But there I was, riding the bus, on a window seat. The seat next to mine was empty.
Sunday April 18th was a sunny day.
I know this because I can vividly recall the glaringly bright
Me with the Necklace
And fucking around in her house with her crazy clothes sun saturating the city through the bus windows. After a winter where dark clouds had forced the city into a dull sleet gray, finally the city surfaced to show its true colors.
Sunday April 18th was a happy day.
With the emergence of the sun came its citizens. Jackets were shed, pants rolled up, tanktops and t-shirts and shorts and skirts and dresses and sunglasses flew out from the depths of wardrobe closets as people reveled in the sun. Footballs and baseballs and Frisbees materialized in an outpouring of rejoice.
On Sunday April 18th, I got off the bus.
Where exactly I got off I don’t remember. Probably somewhere near Pitt’s campus, because I can recall seeing college students merrily lounging, languidly tossing frisbees, wistfully strolling…and yet when I got off the bus I stood stock still. I made no move to jump the hedge and join in the revelry, nor did I turn and walk to meet a friend, or to eat, or to do some errand. I stood still. Passengers clambered onto the bus behind me. And then I heard the bus door squeal shut.
My hand flew to my neck, my eyes
Montreal, May 25th 2009
Drunk...I take her sunglasses and necklace widened, I spun around and the bus was already lurching through a green light. I started sprinting after it, flying through the lazily strolling masses enjoying the sun, turning their heads to the zooming disturbance.
Chest heaving, I managed to flag the bus down at the next stop, panting for breath. I ignored the stares and went back to my previous seat. I looked above it, below it, I traced my steps from the seat to the entrance and back again.
I collapsed into a seat and gazed out.
Sunday April 18th.
The end.
May 25th, 2009. Almost a year ago.
The day I said goodbye to Miss K.O.
In less than a week, we had known. We had known we were in love. We had known our mutual feelings. And we had known we had to say goodbye.
We were on our own little island amidst a graduation party at Sake Bomb’s. Outwardly, we participated by smiling and telling jokes and stories and being merry like everyone else.
At some point, I put on a pair of her sunglasses and a necklace of hers for a few laughs
Me (in her house)
fucking around again...necklace clearly seen from the crowd.
After things subdued a bit later, I gave both back to her.
“Thanks.”
She looked into my eyes and read the message. Thanks. For the memories, for the emotions, for everything. She looked down, fumbling with the sunglasses and necklace in her hands. She played with the clasp on the necklace, biting her lower lip.
She finally looked up, with a half frown, half smile reflecting the turmoil of emotions. She clicked the clasp open, circled her hands around my neck and clicked it closed. She stepped back. “It looks good.”
I stood frozen. I gulped and glanced down. I held it in my hand, staring at it.
I silently reached behind me, unclasped it, stepped forward and handed it back to her.
“I can’t take this.”
She nodded, fully understanding.
July 15th, 2009.
I was smashed against a train window in Tokyo. Like everyone else, commuting to work.
I gazed out, not really seeing the row upon row of space-efficient Japanese houses. Instead, my mind was swimming through questions.
Why had Miss KO suddenly stopped talking to me? Was this the end? Had she found someone else?
I scratched my neck, a habit that surfaces when I’m agitated. I grimly exhaled. I should’ve taken that necklace…at least then I would’ve had something to remember her by.
The only physical objects I had were a bottle of cologne (a graduation gift), a short typed letter (that came with the gift) and a picture/letter that had been sent to me a week earlier. The cologne I wore occasionally, but it had no real connection to her; I had only worn it once in her presence and barely at that. A tentatively quick spray. The letters…they were too large, I couldn’t keep them in my pocket without marring them with folds.
I sighed. She had found someone else. I should’ve taken that necklace. Then I at least would have had a tangible object to remember her by.
From that day forth, her letters resided in the pocket of my bookbag.
October 29, 2009. It was my first night in Montreal.
Only 3 months earlier I was in Japan, lamenting over never talking to Miss KO again. A lifetime ago.
She stood in front of me, reached around and clasped the necklace. She patted the charm at the end, glancing up at me questiongly.
I nodded and softly hugged her. She snuggled into my chest, smiling.
January 2010.
I notice a crack in the clasp.
February 2010.
The crack gets larger. I try to fix it myself, but to no avail.
And now April 18, 2010.
I’m collapsed in the bus seat, the bus chugging forward into some unknown neighborhood, way past my stop.
The clasp had finally broke. I had lost the necklace.
Two days later, she broke up with me.
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