Inter-species Cockblock

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September 2nd 2009
Published: April 20th 2010
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Schenley ParkSchenley ParkSchenley Park

Beautiful, majestic...and scary as fucking fuck in the nighttime
Continued from the previous entry...

I arrived at the gate to the park ten minutes late, her nervous fidgeting transforming into a beaming smile as she hopped forward a few steps to greet me with a crushing hug.

All I could think of was “how is this shit so easy?” Recall we’ve “met” for a grand total of 5 minutes. Usually girls play hard to get so I’m pushed into a nervous wreck during dates…this girl was tossing batting practice meatballs. Even the best single hitters can slam batting practice (just ask anyone who’s seen Ichiro warm-up)…this was gonna be fun.

So when she chided me for being late, instead of some meek response, I just started tossing bullshit. “Sorry, had to tear myself away from a few fans.”

Her eyes briefly flared in jealously. Lemme guess, her next pitch is a fastball straight down the pipe?

“Let’s go,” she said, smoothly inserting her arm through mine.

I glanced down at our entwined arms. Wow. This is retarded. This is like Shaq playing on a 5-foot rim. This is like 300 Spartans taking on the French.

What would the baseball equivalent of this be?
The Road InThe Road InThe Road In

Now imagine its 9pm on a chilly september night...
A balk?

I couldn’t just tag along for the ride though. I still had to be in control. “Not many girls get to put their hands around me on the first date you know?”

She smiled from the backhanded compliment. Flirtatiously using silence, or probably due to the fact she couldn’t come up with a comeback for the awesome detail I just spewed. The fact that it’s true because girls never talk to me is obviously irrelevant.

She leaned into me as we walked forward. There was no reason to lean into me…it was insanely hot that night, and even with our skinny frames, the combined body heat was making us both sweaty. So instead of a romantic “Let me lean into you and hold your strong and muscular arm, honey”, the scene resembled more “Let me try to hang on this greasy fireman pole”. She could’ve just let go making things significantly easier, but she was desperate to be next to me.

She finally realized hugging me around the waist worked better. But not by much. She had to do an awkward sideways shuffle so her feet wouldn’t trip mine, and the proximity of her hands to my nether regions made me quicken my pace. Though my mind was in the gutter, I briefly poked my head out to assess the situation. No breaking pitches, this was an easier home run than Barry Bonds hitting from a tee.

But my confidence was rapidly deteriorating. Not because we looked like a crab trying to do the Soulja Boy, but because I was becoming legitimately scared. When she said Schenley Park, I was envisioning a few swings, a slide and a sandbox full of used heroin needles like all parks on the East Coast. But this place looked like another world.

The sound of the city slowly dissipated to rustling leaves and our padded steps. The only lighting was the moonlight casting long shadows over the road…and the path itself had somehow changed from a wide, 4-lane tarmac road to a dirt track. I slowly stopped talking, letting her fill the silence with chattering that I was sure attracting bloodthirsty monsters from all corners of this park…no, this fucking forest.

A twig snapped behind me and I whirled around…nothing, but then again, I couldn’t see shit.

Fuck, a bear was out there. And a pack of wolves. And a lion.

I made a mental note to never make fun of rednecks carrying (and using) 50-cal rifles in the woods. You needed that shit for survival. Fuck…

I swallowed my pride. “Hey…um, you wanna go back and maybe get a coffee?”

She looked surprised at the change from my cocky attitude. “Why?” She smirked. “You scared?”

Don’t show your trepidation in her home park. “No! Of course not!”

We walked in deeper. I was literally pissing my pants. We were now not even on a road of any sort, just walking in between trees, the heavy foliage blocking any light from the moon.

Shit, shit, shit.

Instinct, spidey-sense, everything was telling me to turn back, but I couldn’t because my pride wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t let her see a weakness in me. But this was the scene where some guy’s head would get chopped off in some scary movie…the forest eerily quiet, the moonlight barely filtering through the branches, stupid college kids unaware of the danger…

And I was the minority…so I was dying first, whilst the bankable, cute white girl screams and runs away
Once again...Once again...Once again...

How do white people easily walk through woods but can't take a step in Compton?
and gets her face on the fucking posters with the hot white guy who saves her. Plus, I’m from inner city NYC…if we get separated, I’m fucked. Not that was likely. She was pressing her body into mine and I was hanging on for dear life…and if we somehow got detached, her white skin was softly glowing in the dark like a lighthouse.

But by and by, I got used to it. My eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, my lungs were sipping clean, crisp air and though still spooky and scary, the forest had a majestic regalness to it…and I had a cute girl in my arms. I blinked. I had forgotten this was a date in all my woodland apprehension and my wood reminded me.

I stopped.

She looked up at me. “Something wrong?”

“Well…where are we going?”

“I wasn’t really planning on anywhere in particular…”

Fastball? Why not try an at bat…worst case you got one out but have her motion figured. Plus, all my homers have been in domes…why not try an open-air stadium?

I looked around…there was not a hint of civilization or life in sight. “Let’s stop
Something Similar to this was supposed to happen...Something Similar to this was supposed to happen...Something Similar to this was supposed to happen...

If I was shorter, uglier, Asian and wearing considerably baggier clothes
for a bit.”

“Already tired?” she chided with a flirtatious, raised eyebrow.

Fastball? Curve? Take the first pitch... “Well, what’s the point of walking forward if we’re not walking anywhere?”

“Well…I don’t know…”

Her statement hung in the air, the seconds slowly ticking by as neither of said anything. I wasn’t stepping out of the box because I wanted to get in her box. Let her throw a pitch.

The seconds dragged into a minute, both of our backs leaned against a thick tree, our arms no longer locked together. We then heard a rustling, and she used it as an excuse to break the awkwardness.

She hopped over to my side, huddled against my body, an arm of hers snaking around my body, her eyes tilted up…the message in them clear: Take me, big boy. Fastball, dead center.

I turned us around, pushed her shoulders against the trunk and swooped my head down…and then she kicked me in the shin.


Her lips were pouted upwards, her eyes closed, but snapped open to question marks. “Huh? What?”

“You just fucking kicked me!”


“Yea you did!”

“No I didn’t!”

We both looked down to…something…headbutting my leg…

WHAT THE—She screamed and jumped back, I wildly kicked and jumped back and we stared as it scuttled off a few feet. What the fuck is that…that…thing...

What the fuck?

From the silhouette, it looked like a fucking taco bell Chihuahua, but with longer legs. A fucking alien? No way…maybe…no, what the fuck is that?

“Hey Gen! That’s a baby deer!”

What the fuck? A deer in an inner city park? Then again, this looked nothing like an inner city park…

She squatted down and held out her hand, the baby deer slowly approaching, and then it entered a patch of moonlight. Oh, wow. It was cute as fuck, and looked docile and oh so squishy. I squatted down and started calling to it too. “Easy boy. Come here, boy. Easy.”

We turned to each other, the moonlight glancing off our smiles. True, genuine smiles from seeing a cute baby deer wobbling forward towards us. We locked eyes, our outstretched, cupped hands still extended and we slowly drooped our eyes for a kiss…it just made so much sense in

The only common feeling we have
this romantic setting…

And if this were any other person, any guy with any sort of luck in these situations, we would’ve kissed, made out, fucked madly and I would’ve wildly boasted about a cycle on the forest floor with Bambi in attendance. It was such a ludicrously ideal setting that there’s no way anyone could fuck this up…

Except I’m the guy who walks away from guaranteed sex with hot blonde models because they don’t show basic knowledge. I’m the guy who’s always just about to kiss Chiaki in Calgary and Montana before Yu fucks it up. I’m the guy who has a cute girl all over me and then discovers they’re in high school.

And I’m the guy who didn’t look around before I closed my eyes and leaned in for a kiss.

What happened next I can vividly recall even 6 months after the fact…we heard a snort, then rhythmic thuds and both of snapped our eyes and spun our heads and through the trees, we saw a 300 pound galloping mama deer.

My mouth started forming the “Oh shit!” phrase as we both jumped up and then dove behind a tree as mama deer flew by were we were not a second ago.

My “oh shit” finally finished…

Mama deer spun around, fixing us in her crosshairs…

My next phrase was more helpful. “RUN!”

Mama deer started dashing towards us…

We both stumbled up but as we started our first few steps, we both realized there was no way we were going to outrun it, it was going to hit us in a few more strides…

She was a step ahead of me, looking over her shoulder, assessing the situation…and she fucking pushed me towards mama deer…

I stumbled backwards into the killzone, arms flailing… “FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!! I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die…why hasn’t Disney fucking killed Bambi’s mom yet?!?!”

I might never have luck when it comes to girls, but throughout my life, I’ve had luck in life-or-death situations and it didn’t fail me here. One of my floundering arms grabbed something…a branch! I heaved myself from a downwards fall to a leftwards fall, saw the girl’s retreating back, the deer momentarily stop in confusion as one target became two in separate directions, I slammed into the ground, pushed myself up and started sprinting.

After a minute of hard running, I peeked over my shoulder to see if mama deer was still chasing…she wasn’t…but I slammed headfirst, full tilt, into a tree.

I must’ve blacked out for a bit, and when I opened my eyes, I was seeing stars. Then I realized I was laying on the forest floor and they were actually stars.

I got up, my head spinning. Checked around…no mama deer…nor the girl, but fuck the girl. She had tried to kill me. Alright, no use fucking grousing, time to go fucking home. I looked around for a street sign. Oh fuck…

I spun around…all around me was trees, trees and more trees. Leaves rustled. Branches swayed. I could already picture the bears.

I put my head in my hands.

My worst fucking nightmare.

I was lost in a fucking forest.

I wanted to fucking cry.

I kneeled and did.


20th April 2010

Dude... that's a harsh blow. I'm sure she'll get impaled by a spear trying to save some whales/dolphins or something... you know, karma.
14th February 2013

LMFAO best blog!
Seriously funny..but I kinda hoped you would get laid for all that drama :)

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