June 18th 2005

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Location: Jasper, IN

So many thoughts, So many feelings, so little time and words to express them with. Today went incredible- the 2 shows went very smooth- a few kids forgetting lines, but others very quickly picking up cues. I worked backstage, and Megan played Baloo.

Afterwards, as I was taking down the set with a couple parents and I didn’t get a chance to say “Goodbye” to a lot of the kids (or rather most of the kids). I keep thinking back to the last things I said to them (probably something like “Shhhhhhhhh…. Keep your legs crossed”) and wishing it had been something more encouraging. But I have to remember that these kids will be remembering this whole past week, not just my last words. And as Megan put it, who was feeling the same as me, it’s almost part of the magic. We come to town- vagabonds, gypsies, bards, and we teach and put on a show- giving each kid a chance to succeed and find their own light and then we pull away and disappear gracefully (or not) into the dark quickly as we appeared, before the kids even realize we’re gone. It seems almost romantic and exciting when put that way. Cinematic almost.

But the movies rarely show our side. How hard it is to let go of these kids who we’ve gotten to know so well. Of whom we can clearly see each face in our minds eye. And then we have to pack-up and drive away without saying goodbye. Without telling Mowgli how beautiful her last song was, or encouraging Akela on how great his stage presence and slightly off-key (but no matter) song was.

I’m feeling such a rush of emotions all of which strangely enough flow towards the same end result. Tears. Happiness, joy, and relief countered with disbelief, a bit of regret, and sadness. All floating in a sea of exhaustion. Each emotion leading it’s own way to my tear ducts. But as of yet my cheeks are still dry. Perhaps my brain won’t allow it. Or maybe my eyes are so overwhelmed with commands they shut down manufacturing completely. Either way I have 7 hours to sleep before I wakeup and start a 10 hour trip away from paradise to the unknown Corry PA. Where we start a whole new endless week with new kids. Where we can fix everything that went array this week, and make new mistakes all over again.

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