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Published: September 28th 2006
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"It is a spot reserved and sacred to what divine power has already placed there"
Frederick Law Olmstead (landscape guy who designed Central park and Niagara Falls Reservation)
"Oooooooh ... Watery"
Liam James Crouse (idiot)
Land, Tierra, Hat Land, çåìëÿ. Water, Agua, Acqua, Vann. Life, Vida, Het Leven, æèçíü. Confused? Frustrated? We were, this was the opening sequence to an 11 min 'informative' film on Niagara falls. So it began "Land, water, life" (did someone say Captain Planet, remember that oh so poor superhero? He had the ability to clean things up and ... that was it), narrated by a woman who by her very OTT performance was desperate to be the next big thang in the voice over industry. Every syllable and every word enunciated and dramatically delivered to the point of shut the hell up! It reminded me of being at uni and having to write a 2000 word essay. You sit there and write all that you know, then its TOOLS, WORDCOUNT .... Shit 900 words short. So it's a case of fleshing out and repeating what you already have. The girl was obviously given 2 mins worth of dialogue and then asked to
Niagara Falls
American Falls in the foreground. Horseshoe Falls in the background.
Liam behind the camera. stretch it out to 11 mins. In not so many words it was crap. However that was just a short film, the actual Falls were .... Were just .... To quote an excited tour guide:
"It's like being in space aint it ... Brrreathless"
A distant rumble draws you near. The lake, so calm and mirror like suddenly starts to ripple. Did someone throw a stone? 'The point of no return',if you find yourself in the water at this point you have 3 mins to confess all sins and beg the bearded almighty for forgiveness. The current quickens water cascades over rocks and stones. Frothing and bubbling the rapids begin to show their true purpose, their reason for being. The roar of the water attacks the ears, a faint mist begins to rise hiding what can only be the gates of Hades itself. 3 mins of fear and panic ends with a sudden and deadly drop into the Niagara gorge.
"Tis a wondrous site, wouldn't thee agree?"sighs a joyous looking Chris.
"Nay. Wondrous does not even begin to describe the gargantuan phenomenon before us" replies Liam stifling his tears.
As much as I would like you
The Maid of the Mist
That little boat gets you up close and personal with the Horseshoe Falls. Well good. to believe this poetic ye olde English gent esq description of our initial reaction to the Falls I'm afraid it didn't quite go like that. More like this (sorry for the swears Mums)
"Fuckin' hell, that's a shit loada water innit met ... If all that was beer, how long d'you think it'd be before we blew chunks?"
Cornish and a bit laddish I know but we were genuinely impressed with the "gargantuan phenomenon" of Niagara Falls.
Leaving the big neon lights of NYC behind us we arrived at our Niagara Falls hostel. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. My Christ the place was a dive, with in 30 secs (and only seeing the front of the building) id written Niagara off as a dismal failure and was missing the hustle and bustle of NYC already. However Liam, forever the voice of reason, told me to give it a chance. I did and wadda ya know she be al - bloody - right. Sure it was a creepy old house run by a very helpful yet some what mental Korean lady, but it was a bed and a roof. Now when you're a pair
Two Kool Kats
Me and Leo a little bit to happy with our new outfits. of hardened 2 week old travelers like us that's all you need. The place could do with a lick of paint and locks on all doors (I swear the Korean lady who we named 'Crazy K' got a peek at the goods while I was changing or showering many a time!). Whatever the hostel lacked though the actual Falls made up for tenfold.
Reading little plaques and listening to tour guides we discovered that the park surrounding all that there water is in fact the oldest National Park in America. Split into two waterfalls by 'Goat island', the 'American Falls' counts for 10% of the water flowing over Niagara and the 'Horseshoe Falls' counts for 90%. Whoa there Chris, slow down with all the poindexter (smart/geeky) talk, remember the audience! Ha ha, only joking, boy we have some laughs don't we. Really though awesome jokes aside im very happy we came here. For a mere $24 we managed to acquire tickets to all "major"attractions. 'The Maid of the Mist' was how the French say 'le shithot'. Here we were lucky enough to attire ourselves in some rather fetching blue ponchos. 'Cave of Winds' was also a unique experience but
Me
Nuff said. we did get saturated by the stoooopid 'American Falls'and almost ruined both cameras. The rest of the attractions were at best mediocre. The so called 'Discovery Centre' (where voice over lady tested my patience rather than my knowledge) was not the greatest. What it should be called is the 'Walk - around - this - tiny - room - and - look - at - rocks - that - mean - nothing - to - you - and - maybe - try - to - use - some - of - the - interactive - features - but - then - don't - because - they - don't - work - and - probably - haven't - since - 1969 - and - then - waste - 11 mins - of - your - life - watching - a - very - very - very - very - very - uninformative - film - then - regret - ever - walking - through - the - dam - door - in - the - first - place Centre'. As for the Niagara Aquarium well its only saving grace was the performing seals and the penguins. This is simply because a
Liam
Looking like some sort of crap blind super hero????? tank of crabs, a tank of goldfish, a questionable shark/one of the goldfish with a duck tape fin and a dead eel is NOT an Aquarium, it's a rock pool on Tunnel beach (falmouthians will know Tunnel beach). Everything else though was spot on.
At night Lemer and I had a chance to prove how adventurous we really were. Maybe go to a dodgy local bar? get to a random house party in the ghetto? Swim to Canada?! Did we do this? Did we balls. Unlike those intrepid explorers Indiana Jones and Shortround (you decide who's who) we spent 3 nights at the bar in the most touristy establishment for miles... a Hard Rock Cafe. We did however learn a bit about American Football and got a few free beers off the bar staff (shame they were blokes!)
I think 3 nights was a bit too long to stay on the U.S side of Niagara but once again we had a reet laugh. We learnt about the Falls, learnt about American football, learnt to be on guard when there's no locks on the showers and most importantly learnt that çåìëÿ means land in Russian. Crazy shit eh?!
Another Mac Tooty Dance
For Jak, John, Rosie and Anna. Cool as. Once again id like to quote one of many over enthusiastic tour guides:
"The tours over folks, please check under your seats for any personal belongings"
Someone petrolise said Greyhound bus cos we're off to DC
Smells ya later
Chris
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Julie
non-member comment
think i've peed a bit
Hey guys, Hows it going....best entry yet, had me in stiches (very nearly wet myself!) Chris, you really were wasted as a TSR (as am i, i think?!?) If i had one wish it would to be there with you, those pics are amazing! It's hard not to hate you! U both look really happy, so glad your having a good time, email me soon, luv ya....Julie xxx