Stumbling Upon Happiness

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Whoa. I'm leaving tomorrow to head west. By myself. For 5 weeks. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now from packing, organizing my car, and figuring out where I'm sleeping and what I'll be doing the first few days that it seems surreal that it's actually upon me. Yet at the same time I'm as giddy as can be about the excitement awaiting me. But how'd I get here? It's a question I ask myself often. Most people I've told about this trip think it's the chance of a lifetime but at the same time there are quite a few who think I'm absolutely insane. This is my attempt to try and give you some insight into what brought me here and why I'm doing this.

Rewind 10 months. January, 2012. I had a good, fairly stable teaching job that I usually enjoyed. I knew I'd move on eventually, but definitely didn't see myself moving on anytime soon. After having 2 years of flawless reviews, I get slammed with an overwhelmingly negative review that really blindsided me. Some of it had merit, yet some of it just confused the heck out of me. After working my ass off for the next 4 months and feeling like I was moving backwards, it was obvious that nothing I could do would satisfy the demands of my superiors and I was told my contract was not being renewed. I can argue and debate about why this was the case, but I'd be wasting my breath. From that day in January I realized this was the going to be the outcome, and as bitter and upset as I was about it, I moved on. I had already been furiously searching and applying for jobs to no avail, and continued to do so through the end of June. All of my thinking, applications, and efforts at finding new work had been focused on education related careers outside of the classroom. In my 5 years of teaching I've had some pretty terrible experiences that most people wouldn't even believe, and I felt like I needed to move on from the classroom. Throughout July, however, I decided to breathe a little, keep applying for jobs, but take a step back and kind of evaluate where I was in my life. This was extremely difficult for me to do. I can't imagine how many hours of my friends and family's time that I talked their ears off about career and personal goals, what I wanted in my life, and whether I was truly happy with where I was. And that's the biggest and most important question I kept coming back to time and time again: What do I need to be happy? Simple enough, right? The more I talked and listened to others, the more I realized how few people really go after their goals and their dreams. I'll always have things I regret, but I don't want to look back 5 or 50 years from now and say "If only I'd done this..."

So I hatched an idea that had been sitting there for a while, but I constantly ignored because it seemed too ridiculous. What if I took time for ME? Why do I need to rush straight into another job? Obviously, I have bills to pay just like everyone else, but if I can afford to stumble around for a while, then why not? When else can I have this opportunity to disappear and explore? Maybe it's not what I'm doing that's not bringing me the fulfillment I want out of my life, but maybe it's where I'm doing it? So here I am. Leaving on a 5 week road trip tomorrow morning throughout the American West. I've got some friends I'll be visiting along the way, but most of this trip is for me to explore and think. To explore new cities and see what they have to offer. To explore the wilderness and find peace and solitude. To think about what I truly need to be at ease and maybe, somewhere, stumble a little closer to whatever it is that could make me happier.

So that's why I'm leaving tomorrow. I have no clue what I'll find. But there's just something about the West that I can't ignore. I can't quite figure out what it is that makes me feel so differently about that part of the country than I do about NJ. Perhaps it's the novelty of it for me, or perhaps it's something closer to the love and awe that my father has always expressed to me about the Rockies. I really don't know, but I intend to find out. And maybe along the way, I'll figure out what it is that I need. As John Muir once said, "The mountains are calling and I must go."

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Comments

[D MJ Binkley]

When life hands you lemons make some lemonade
Congratulations on your decision to travel the west. We are sorry to hear about your unexpected employment status but things happen for a reason. You are supposed to have this experience-- relax, enjoy and let it unfold. If you get to Santa Rosa, CA (just north of San Francisco) send us a note and we'd be happy to buy you dinner. Maybe you should look at an overseas teaching job. There are many bloggers who are teaching overseas and could give you information.