Of Free Ribs, Drunk Lawyers, and Cosmic Southerners

---

We left Bozeman yesterday afternoon en route to Missoula.

On the way into downtown we saw that there were people eating food in the park. Hoping to acquire free food and that it wasn't a church-sanctioned event, we checked it out.

"What's going on here?"
"A downtown pride thing, but I bet if you brought a plate over here we'd give you some free ribs."

So several free ribs, salads, hamburger, later, we were close to deciding that Missoula was one of the best towns we had ever stumbled upon.

We asked the purveyors of the free ribs, what there was to do in Missoula. They told us about several bars.

**The ribs by the way weren't that good. The sauce was off, a little to sweet, it tasted like it was made for an institution like a school or a prison... but nevertheless it was free.)**

Upon leaving the civic banquet, we drove around looking to purchase toothpaste (because I left my Bag in Bozeman... which should be the title of the new A Tribe Called Quest song.) and find a place to park the car for the evening, as we opted not to pay for a hotel.

From the back of the Safeway we walked to the Iron Horse... where they were serving five dollar pitchers of Kokanee (a Canadian beer that I prefer to pronounce as Kook-a-nanny.)

A few sips in, a hummer rolled up... the driver was the guy who gave us free ribs. He was a lawyer, who for the past several years has grilled up food for the civic festival. He was also a drunk. He reminded me of Ari Gold from Entourage, except in a small town. He was a wheeler and/or dealer who was sleeping with his (exceptionally intoxicated) secretary, that he claimed was his sister. He told us about the chill nature of Missoula, and that it was one of the best towns in the nation... America's best kept secret. Pearl Jam starts their world tours here, and in October the (MotherFucking) Rolling Stones will be performing at Grizzly Stadium on the University of Montana campus.

The couple behind us (the dude looked like Larry the Cable Guy, but was probably more articulate) told us about a bar called the Elbow Room, which was a double-wide trailer and a place we probably shouldn't visit. They were drinking something called an "Irish Trash Can."

The lawyer bought us a round of them. The only thing that was ostensibly Irish about the drink, was that it was full of alcohol. We continued talking with these people for a while, then the lawyer left with his secretary, and the former intern stayed to chat.

We were having a good conversation, we even dropped the "so can we sleep at your house" line. But as she was "just going to bathroom" she was making a phone call to get picked up... so she pretty much ditched us... which wasn't that big of a deal, because we started talking to the people behind us.

Two of the girls had been living in Missoula for a few months, and their friends from Venice Beach were visiting them. The Missoulans were a lawyer, and a travel agent (or something)... and the Venetian Beachians were an actress (she had a non-speaking role in MI3) and a philosophy grad student.

We drank alot, ate some chips, talked about incongruities and possible limitations to governing actions based in logic, sex with parents, and a mass suicide off of Macchu Picchu. (I told the girl who proposed it, to pick a day when Huayna Picchu was open, because when I went there it was closed... and if you are going to jump to your death you might as well do it from the highest point.)

We left the Iron Horse and headed to a prototypical bar... I say that because that is the thought you would have if someone said "Bar." On the way in a handle-bar moustached trivia afficionado accosted one of the girls.

"Why weren't you at trivia night?"

I love trivia, so I quickly entered the conversation.

"What's the capital of Mongolia?"
"FUCK YOU."
"Ulaanbaatar."

I was being that asshole that asked trivia questions to other trivia snobs.

Another guy shot out:

"What's the capital of Ethiopia?"
"Addis Abbas... I don't know how to pronounce it."

The rest of the trivia posse respected how (MotherFucking) smart I was... even the handle-bar moustached dude... but he kept flipping the bird at me in a respectful/rival(ful) way. I had found my Montana nemesis, and he had a better moustache than I could ever have.

We kept drinking through last call... and at the end of the night we were pretty certain that we had a place to stay... on the way out, two southerners started following us.

I talked to the first guy about stereotypes relating to Southerners.. as in they are racists... he talked to me about Los Anglenos being assholes... both were sometimes true, and sometimes not true... as is the case of most stereotypes (except for Irishes, they are unequivocally drunk.)

We got back to their house and hung out... The other southerner found out that the grad student and actress were from Venice Beach. He found out that she was in Mission Impossible, but than was blown away by the fact that they had actually shaken the hand of the Rollerblading/Guitarplaying guy on the Venice Beach Boardwalk.

"I've shaken the hand of Kurt Cobain, I've met famous people, but I am just blessed to have shaken the hand of somebody who has shaken the hand of Rolleblading/Guitarplaying guy."

The impressed Southerner was a cool motherfucker... he called himself a preacher, but didn't really believe in god, and thought that all things work out. He drove the other people home, while we decided to crash on their floor.

These guys were extremely well-educated down-to-earth, people who did a great job at existing.

It was great talking to them.... when we woke up this morning the impressed Southerner... was on his way out, wearing fishing gear. The last thing he said to us was:

"If you guys keep sleeping, your gonna become rooted the ground... have fun on your cosmic journey."

Awesome.

On to Glacier National... then Calgary.

PAZ AFUERA.

---

Comments

[anonymous]

Awesome! You are once again my hero, but it'd be sweeter if instead of crashing on their floor you slept in the girls' beds with them. Enjoy your cosmic journey