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Published: April 27th 2010
So this isn't a travel post at all. I realize that. However, the point of this blog to record my journey into a completely new part of my life changed by the city I'm moving too, the new job I am going to have and my graduate school, but I don't think this blog should be restricted to just that. This post will talk about something else that I have been struggling with for a year, and now only taking the proper steps to deal with.
Now, I have to go into some back history, because this post simply isn't about the superficial fear of being overweight. I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 last February, but before that I went through a number of changes that inevitably landed me in the hospital, and of course, with the diagnosis. One of the changes I went through was losing close to 25 pounds. I am only 5'2, and before I lost weight, I was 142, the heaviest I have ever been. I was a dancer and a martial artist, and have been active my whole life. I stopped dancing and Karate when I was 21, when I transferred to a 4 year school. Alas, that was when the weight gain started.
At first I didn't realize it, but then I dropped a whole lot of weight due to unknown (to me) illness, I was happy that I was back to when I was dancing. However, as time went on, I continued to lose more weight and had a lot of other bodily problems. After I was diagnosed with diabetes and got the proper medication, I rapidly gained weight. At first I was healthy, I was 125, 130, 135.. but then as time wore on, I became depressed and therefore ate more, that escalated my weight up to 140, 145, 150, and finally my crowning weight at 158.
I fit into none of my clothes. I felt awful about myself because I had seen what I looked when I weighed less and I liked how I looked then. Even now, I feel like my boobs are too big (I know, how could THAT happen?) and I am generally uncomfortable in my skin. I also don't want to spend more money in getting a whole new wardrobe and I just feel just terrible about myself.
I have asked myself, well, is the media and society telling me to lose weight? You know, I would be dishonest if I said no. However, I don't want to look like a waif model. I have NEVER been thin in that way, nor would I ever try to be like that. I gravitate towards the glamor models: the girls that have boobs and a butt and legs just like I do. I also understand that I am shorter than them, but we have similar body types.
So tonight, I printed out pictures of Kendra Wilkinson (pre-baby, though she looks FINE post pregnancy. Maybe a little bit of a belly, but please, the baby is 3 MONTHS and its unhealthy for women to drop weight that quickly) and Bridget Marquadt, who is au naturale for a bit of weight inspiration. There is nothing wrong with striving to be healthy and fit and I won't apologize for wanting to feel better about myself.
Also, as a side note, if you are 160 and 5'2 and feel happy with yourself, God bless you. Some people are comfortable with their weight and that's great. I'm not condemning you nor judging you. I am talking about ME, which is completely different than other women. Also, women should accept their bodies and strive to be healthy and fit. If you are naturally thin, embrace it, if you are curvy, embrace it, if you are boxy or pear-shaped or any other shape, embrace it and be healthy.
With moving to Frederick, I want to turn over a new leaf. I want to lose weight, be healthy. I want to happy with how I look and not feel like a downright cow every time I'm with Alex's friend's wife. I want to fit into my clothes and be comfortable in a bathing suit.
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