The journey begins...

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I arrived in Chicago, dazed and shuffling through the concourses along with the herd of busy energy. There's something about an airport that has always seemed so strange to me, so aseptic; I'm unable to isolate the vibe, but none the less find it unsettling. It's almost as if the process dehumanizes us. No eye contact is made, few very words words are spoken. The silence in my terminal is only broken up by the occasional chortle of an employee's radio and the clicking of heels and luggage rollers.

Sitting down at my gate, I think I'm finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. It's like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I feel like I finally know where I'm going.



Just last night, someone asked me what prompted me to make this trek. I drew drew a blank, I didn't really have a reason. I didn't realize that I needed one. It made me realize that I needed to take this an an opportunity for reflection and renewal. I need to learn how to breathe again. I have spent so much time struggling to find safety and direction, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to let go of my instincts, my adapted defenses; I had learned to ready myself for adversity, teeth gritted and arms up. I don't know that I believe in karma, but the theme of struggle, violence, and terror were somewhat softened by the idea that 'things will get better.'



At some point, I must have stopped believing in my own future. I fell into a groove, a march through monotony. But something happened to me and I felt a jump start - a belief in myself. Even with all of the swagger I project, faith in myself is what I have struggled with the most; I didn't just give up on the world, I gave up on me - and that is a horrible feeling. Something I never again want to experience.

The last few years have been a time of change for me. I have so many wonderful people in my life to whom I owe my thanks. This means you, dear reader. You've allowed me to see the kindness and love in the world and you're making me believe that I belong in it. I can't help but relate the change in my state of mind has invoked so many positive changes in my life. This hope allowed me to pick myself up and move forward. Things are looking up. I believe.

Now that I'm pulling myself out of my head and back to O'Hare, I can smile. I can breathe.

Next stop, Paris.

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