Deep breaths

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Cologne-Clean Bandit
"'That's right' said the Intelligent Man. 'Unless someone can do something about it'" The Great Divorce

I am not brave.
Most people when I tell them I am traveling alone, by bike in an unknown countr, just assume that I am fearless and wonder what my mom thinks about what I am doing. She’s fine with it, even happy that I seem to enjoy what I am doing for once. I think she is supportive, but I will have to ask her to be sure.
But, oh, most of all no, I am not fearless. In fact I am one of the most easily scared person that I know. I am afraid of cars. Frightened of open water. Scared of kids. Petrified of commitment. Panicking at the idea of speaking in front of a crowd. Easily impressed and constantly over-thinking things until they become fears. I hate speed. I have trouble speaking with new people, I always feel intimidated. .. This sums it up pretty good, for the biggest part.
I fear a lot but I work on my courage. I read. Practice. Go slowly in the beginning with someone I trust by my side. That’s how I got back behind the wheel and drove on my own, comfortably for the first time in five years. That’s how I got on a horse and trusted myself in the activity (yeah I’m scared of horseback riding to). And that is why I am going to babysit five kids for five days next week.
If you let your head go wild only at the idea of doing something you don’t necessarily like to do or feel at ease doing, you limit yourself. You always have to make sure that you know the reason that make you doubt such thing and make sense out of it. If you cannot explain your hatred of needles or your reluctance of swimming, you are basically saying ‘ I don’t know and I don’t want to know’ and that’s shallow.
Of course some fear are justified, but most of the time; you’re the one creating the monster. Go where those wild things are and learn to know them, they’ll get less and less fearful until you go beyond yourself and learn to love your past fears.

The Sound of Silence- Simon and Garfunkel

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Photos

Explanations
I have been scared of driving for a few years now. I always feel like I am not in control, like I am too easily distracted to be responsible of such a big machine. But when Rich needed me to drive him, I was unable to produce a good explanation for that feeling. ' you don't have to control everything, just to jnderstand your situation and trust your own judgment'. I drove. And actually survived and started almost enjoying it on the third time.

Clostrophobie
I love bees, I think they are wonderful and fascinating. What I do not like is small spaces. This suit, the bee keeping suit was scaring me, it gave me nausea just thinking about putting this body-sized cage on. But the passion and curiosity won. With Sharon telling me all about the task at hand; she made it sound so enlightening that I just had to do it. I actually saw them swarm and move out with a new queen and peeked inside the hive. Loved every second of it and didn't even noticed the suit. Awfully glad I didn't let this one have the best of it!

Responsability
I have been vegetarian for 5 years now, it's safe to say I don't dislike animals. So it was really hard for me to wotness and help during the branding process, both in Prineville and in Carey. But on the second occasion, I got to give the shots to the branded calves; seeing it from up close and actually having to pierce their skin with a needle proved to be interesting. Of course I think there are better way to treat them than to kick them like one of the rancher was doing, but those little thingies are tough. I was afraid I'd hurt them during the vaccination, but their skin is so thick there is just no soft way to do it.
But doing harm is still one of my biggest fear.

Changes
Growing up I had he chance to do a little horseback riding. I loved it, wasn't particulary good at it, but liked it enough. But with time, I begun to hate it. Tryin to have one of those huge and beautiful creatures to follow my will no matter their thinking capacity is just not making me comfortable. I love caring for them and having them around. Watching experienced riders do their thing is always impressive and gracious. But it is not for me. I rode in Prineville for a short walk but didn't fully enjoy it.
And it still scares me. I don't need it to be happy anyway.

Comments

[gorneval]

!
C'est vraiment intéressant de te lire, petite soeur. Je suis si heureux de te savoir en plein dans l'expérience, dans l'aventure, la vraie! Continue d'écrire, et je voyagerai avec toi :)