So far I suck at keeping a blog going but here is what I can remember of the rest of our KW trip

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I've been home for a week and its been over 2 since I started my trip in Key West blog. I have contemplated dumping what I wrote so far and forgetting about the whole thing, but I decided to keep it and do what I can to finish about our last trip and carry on to our next one, whatever it may be. (I think its gonna be Disney).

I currently hate Key West. I think I just stayed there too long. I currently think Key West is the pretty girl that is great for a couple of days. Then by day 4 or 5 you realize she is a bitch, robs people as a career, and might have a penis.

We went to Mallory Square once to see the sunset. It was cloudy out on the horizon so it wasn't anything spectacular to see. The following day we took a sunset cruise out. It was a sailboat (the Jolly IV Roger, or something like that) good crew, pretty good size compared to the other sailboats, water was rough, it was cloudy again. But I did get some cool pictures. Having the ropes and sail lines in the picture of the setting sun was a pretty cool added detail. Unfortunately the wife got seasick and spent half the ride below deck within an arms reach of the can. The boat supplies water. But if you want food or booze, you have to bring it yourself. Find a liquor store away from Duval st.

I could go back thru my Facebook to set some kind of chronology as to where we went when and what we did there, but I don't think those details really matter 2 weeks later. But I am declaring right now that no matter who I am traveling with and whether they like it or not, I will be making time to get online and keep this blog going at the time that I am traveling.

If you have never been to Key West and are not going to be there more than a week, I have found some places you may not find. I wont go thru the trouble of posting addresses, but do yourself a favor and google the places locations.

Hogfish Grill. It is actually on Stock Island but worth the trouble of finding. Try the hogfish. I didnt. But I wish I did. Let me know if it sucks.

Essy's is a place that we had breakfast once. Maybe twice. I dont remember. The food was decent. As good as anywhere else off the beaten path. But the atmosphere was very island. Please dont feed the chickens. I wish they would go away. They are the crabs of the pretty girl that is a bitchy, thieving, tranny.

The Eat n' Grin was another place we had breakfast at twice. They are a BBQ place that is a block off Duval. First time we ate there, it sucked. I wanted ribs for breakfast and they were awful. But I gave them a second chance and it was totally worth it. I don't know who else might have BBQ ribs in Key West, but if its what you like, go to the EnG. The waitress may be more than just a waitress. I'm not sure. But I wouldn't be surprised if she was related to whoever owned the place. She was pretty cool. Very Island. Treated everyone like fam and babied the poor souls that had too much to drink the previous night.

Other places we went to are easy to come across. We did Sloppy Joes several times. Usually I get a Rum Runner and a sloppy joe. But I tried their chili dog to mix things up and it was great. The night I had it, we were sitting in a little back area of the place. I think its called Joes Tap House or something like that. This is why I should update this thing daily. Anyway, we pretty much had the place to our self. You can smoke in this area and the wife decided to burn her little flavored cigar. A couple of couples came in together and say at the opposite end of the bar and the women kept sending evil eyes over at us and I swear I heard them make a remark about the smoke. All I could think was if you sit down at a place to eat and you see an ashtray right in front of your dumbass, don't be a bitch about someone smoking. If you didnt want the smoke, then take your bitch ass back out the door and around the corner and get in the long ass line to eat in the main restaurant. So having finished my chili dog and being thoroughly annoyed, I crossed green st to one of the small cigar stands that are all over old town and bought the cheapest trashy cigar from the cheapest trashy girl that my wife thinks might be being trafficked. I immediately brought the cigar back to the bar and took my sweet time stinking the place up with it. I don't like stupid bitches.

Ate lunch one day at Margaritaville. I love Jimmy Buffetts music. But I am afraid his Key West bar has touristed itself to death. The wife and I both ordered The Cheeseburger in Paradise. I had a brainfart when the waitress asked how I wanted it cooked. I wanted it like the song and couldn't remember what the song said. So I asked the waitress "What does the song say?" to which she replied "It doesn't." I knew it does and within a second it came to me. "medium well with mustard'd be nice". Stupid waitress. "Heinz 57 french fried potatoes lettuce and tomato big kosher pickle with a cold draft beer" (I don't remember if I was drinking beer). I wonder how many other Jimmy Buffett employees are retarded. I was not impressed with my burger. I have had it dozens of times and this was the first time it sucked. But everyone has a bad day once in a while. I just remember when Margaritaville was a pink little hole in the wall with just a few tables. Now its just crazytown in the middle of tourist town.

Key West has the worst beaches I have ever been to. I have been to better beaches in Kuwait. The ground is all limestone and coral. No nice sand to walk on in or out of the water. Higgs beach is very shallow and full of seagrass. If you want to go swimming, go to another key or have access to a boat. Homeless were everywhere, but I can understand that from the homeless point of view. If I am ever homeless, don't look for me in Key West. I probably don't want to be found. I don't understand it from a law enforcement or tourist point of view. Key West, your beach sucks naturally. Make an effort at cleaning up what you can of it. If you are traveling and looking for a great beach, come to Jacksonville. Not Jacksonville Beach. Instead go out to one of our Talbot Islands or Heugonaught Park.

What was supposed to be our 3rd and last night camping turned into crap. One of the sites near us were a couple that looked older than me by several years, their kid, and one of his friends. The kids appeared to be late teens. The parents had non problem with the kids playing music in the their van after 10 at night. I am not sleeping well on the air mattress as it is. Their crappy music only added to my annoyedness. So I stood outside and smoked a cigar and hoped they would get the clue that they are annoying. I'm not sure they even noticed me. But I did notice the smell of weed wafting over from them. I sooo considered calling the cops. If they are in jail, they are not annoying me. But being the reasonable fair person I am, I decided to go find out what time quiet time was supposed to start in the camp ground. To my disappointment, it turns out its 11. But since I am up talking to the security guard anyway, I may as well have the conversation I told the clerk I would have with her husband. She wanted me to talk to him about DOD contractor work, so I did. We talked for about an hour. Not just about the contract work, but he was ex army and we had been to some of the same places, so it was cool to be able to talk to someone about it that actually knew about it. But as we were talking, the wind picked up. No big deal. Just wind. OK a couple of branches are falling out of trees now. But my damn campsite doesnt have any trees in it so I dont have to worry about that. Then a little rain starts coming down. I should probably go check on the wife and the tent and make sure everything is ok. After a 2 minute bike ride, I find my wife freaking out and throwing stuff into the jeep all willynilly. We didnt have much stuff outside of the tent, but what was out had started blowing around. I dont think we lost anything other than the lid to the Styrofoam cooler that I had plans of getting rid of anyway. Other peoples tents were getting blown around like crazy. Our tent was getting beat to death but holding its ground. The wife was very upset with me for not being there when the wind blew in. She climbed into the car and stayed there until we arrived at the hotel we were checking into. Oh don't worry. She wasn't stuck in the car for very long. We tried to ride the storm out in the car. But there was no way in hell my very large frame was going to sleep in the very small insides of a jeep wrangler full of crap and another person. I finally decided there was no point in watching my stuff get beat to death. If I am going to be awake, I may as well start taking everything down. I called the hotel we were to check into that afternoon anyway (The Blue Marlin Motel on Simentone St.) I told the guy that answered the phone about our situation and he said he had a room available and would not charge us for the whole night. I think I saved about 40 dollars on a full nights stay that I didn't think I should have to pay anyway. Sure check in is 3 in the afternoon and we were checking in at 3 in the morning, but technically, in my mind, it was the same date we were checking in on anyway. Since we had a place to go to and I couldn't sleep anyway, I packed up everything. Not an easy task in the dark, in a tent that is trying to roll over, while its raining, and I have to make sure its packed up small enough to get everything into the Jeep again. But I did it and we finally got checked into our hotel.

If The Blue Marlin Motel was on airport rd in Jax Fl it would be no more than 40 bucks a night. But it isnt. Its 200 feet off of Duval St. Maybe 400 feet from the southern most point. Don't take this as disparaging. I actually liked it. Parking there was retarded. There was a gap at the bottom of the door to our room big enough for a raccoon to crawl under. Cracks in the bathroom grout consistently had small, very small bugs crawling in and out of it. The bed was comfortable after sleeping on an air mattress for a few nights. The air-conditioner worked much better than the lack of one in our tent did. So the place was old. The service and pool were great. I would stay here again if I ever visit that damn city again.

Make sure to check out the wharf/docks/boardwalk it is called different things by the same people which I found very odd but its all the same place. A&B Lobster House was where we actually ate dinner on our anniversary. It over looks the bay and docks and out across the Gulf of Mexico depending on what side of the building you are sitting on. The weather was nice so we sat outside and had a great view. I would like to apologize to the Puerto Rican family who I stole a kid from. But dinner at A&B is not cheap and I didn't have my own kid down there with me to leave with them. Your child went to a great steak and lobster dinner. You should be proud. It was amazing.
The Schooner Wharf Bar is in the same area. Food and drinks are good. Try to check it out when Michael McCloud is playing there. He is a Billion years old and may die soon. But has some great island music of his own. On a personal level, I hate him and think he is shitty little pirate. But he is a pirate in what is basically a pirate town. So I should have just expected that kind of thing. Don't pay more than $15 for any of his CDs if you choose to buy any of them. He does a great cover of Toby Keith's I love this Bar. So if you don't hear him play it, just ask him to play it. He'll love to, I am sure.
The Conch Republic Seafood Company is along the wharf as well. I loved the food there. It is deffinitly worth going there atleast once no matter how short your trip in KW might be.

Once we checked into out hotel we started using our bikes to get around. It was great for me. Everything is within a few minutes so riding didnt take long and I didnt have to worry about parking, or drinking and driving. But the wife didnt like drinking and riding her bike. So I still got stuck having to drive some and take it easy on what I was drinking. Croissants de France of Key West is a nice place down on the east end of Duval, and right around the corner from our motel. We had breakfast here twice since it was easy to bike to and the food was always great. We had lunch one day at Blackfin Bistro. It was ok. Pricey. But ok I guess. The day we got massages I asked the secretary for some recomendations and Blackfin was one she gave me. Hogfish was also one she recomended. We had already been to both of those and I think I impressed her that we had.

By the way we got massages one afternoon. It was what it was but at Key West prices. Paranaha Day Spa or something like that. The massage was fine. But like everything down there, cost more than it was worth.

My wife bought the "Key West Bar Card" for us before we left home. It has several bars on it that will give you a free drink when you order one once a day. Most place have stipulations on what kind of drink that applies to. But it got us into Hogs Breath Saloon. Not a place we probably would have gone to otherwise. All we did was have our drinks there and leave. I think we went to Sloppy Joes and had the cigar incident that night. We also went into 801 Bourbon because of the card. We don't usually frequent gay bars but I will go most anywhere for a free drink. I think a couple of the gay couples in there were offended that we had come in to the cage at the zoo and were watching them like circus freaks. Another couple "The Bitch Sisters" (they were actually guys and I don't think they were related) seemed to enjoy putting on a show for the straight tourist that have come in looking for a freak show. A straight couple sat down next to us, did not finish their drink, and hauled ass out of there when they realized they were in a freak show. I use the term freak show loosely. It isn't what I actually think of the place. I think its what a lot of straight tourist think of the place. Drag Queens cover the block at night. But to me they are just characters in Key Wests story thru time. Dont let them be a deterrent for a free drink. Schooner Wharf Bar was also on the bar card.

I made the mistake of not buying what I wanted when I wanted it. Our first day in KW we went into the Margaritaville Store. They had a lime salt for rimming glasses with that I have been looking for for a very long time. But they had plenty, so I put off getting it until the end of our trip when we would do our all of our shopping for souvenirs and shit. Unfortunately they completely out when we went back. So take it from me and get when the gettin's good. We also put off taking another picture at the southern most point. Put off for so long that we left town without ever doing it. The Light house closes at 4:30 no matter what the sign says. I wanted to go up it but got there too late and was too annoyed with the place closing early to bother going back to it.

In case I havent mentioned "Better than Sex", let me do so now. I think its on Petronia st just south of Duval. It opens at 6pm and has the best desserts in the world. You are only hurting yourself not going there.

I really dont remember why I left Key West thinking I never want to go there again. It could be the stupid prices of everything. The stupid drivers. The stupid beach. The stupid locals that dont know Jimmy Buffett songs even though they work for Jimmy Buffett. the stupid locals that think their CDs are worth 20 dollars. the stupid parking. the stupid parking attendants. The stupid ass shell gas station attendant that couldnt figure out how a winn dixie gas card works or the stupid ass winn dixie manager "Billy" that didn't know who to call to keep us from just losing the discounts we earned. the stupid clouds in the sky that jacked up both sunsets I tried to see. or the stupid waves that made my wife sick. But whatever it is, it is still there. No matter how good the good was, I just don't care enough to go back again anytime soon. There are other, prettier islands, all through the Florida keys that are not over ran with stupid tourists and stupid locals hell bent on taking advantage of them. The next time I take US 1 south out of Miami, I wont be going all the way to the zero mile marker.

I couldnt get off that island fast enough. With a full tank of gas from the night before, I left the Blue Marlin and didnt stop till I was in the upper keys for lunch. I'm not sure that we even had breakfast. Made it to the mainland and topped the tank off before getting on the turnpike and heading for Orlando. Note to self and everyone else, in Miami, the gas prices listed on the sign are CASH ONLY prices. Add 10 cents if you are using your card and don't expect your winn dixie card to work there either.

Already Home
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