Crying & Words of Comfort

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My friend, Jo, told me I'd cry a lot on this journey. Having travelled alone for six months at nineteen (!), she said there would be these emotional times. "Crying" she wrote in her mail. "Thank God for crying." As usual, she took me by surprise. Although I'm a Buddhist and know life is suffering, know I should sit with my feelings in order to transform them, tears have been too much a part of my life over the past year or so for me to embrace them - I mean, no sane person wants pain, right? Even if denying it has left me depressed and energetically suppressed. But, hey, you guessed the punchline - the crying has started.

I was up half the night worrying about money - that is hopefuly going to be resolved by some loans and frugality on my part - but then travelled to Key West and had a delightful afternoon. I visited Hemingway's House and was enthralled by the reams of cats there - the coolest felines ever. I mean, they don't bat an eye when you take pictures & one, called Charlie Chaplin, looks exaclty like Frank Zappa!

Key West itself is lovely too - lots of clapboard historic houses and a wonderful Carribean climate and relaxed pace. I had a wonderful Mexican lunch (my one meal!) too and felt truly chuiffed with life after ...

But.

Yup, the but. I've found that the forest fire of grief is able to reach me even here. An aqua budgie in the restaurant made me think of my Gran torturing her own bird, Tiny, screeching at him to talk ... first I felt good about that. Laughed. She's with me when I'm so far away. And then the agony of loss came. I feel like I've lost so, so much. I wanted to believe I'd be free of pain here - that I could run away. But you can - shock! - feel self-loathing, regret and the rest of life' s bonus points anywhere I've unfortunately found.

It's somehow worse because I'm suyrrounded by such beauty - I SHOULD (that curse word of civilisation!) be fine. Be thrilled. And I am - it's just that solitude has brought this stuff to the fore, I think. I guess that's what my real journey is too - going into my pain about the past, fears for the future, that I'm talentless and am scared of selling my books, that this research trip is pointless ... that something is fundamentally missing somewhere ...

I'm not meditating and I need to do that to stabilise my thoughts. A sing at lunch (Bob Marley?) said that the promised land isn't America, it's a state of mind ... I don't want to make my readers melancholy, but I have made a choice to be as frank as possible in this blog - to censor myself less so you can get the authentic experience of being a woman searching, on the road.

I'm okay with being a woman alone actually most of the time - although I get some unexpressed curiosity in restaurants and so on - but I somehow feel like a widow here. I;ve realised that's the Gran grief stuff too - and having lost friends and other family members to death and division as well in recent years. I have been lonely since Gran died really. My physical loneliness is even more profound here as I like hugs and can get none. I nearly boguht a fluffy flamingo to hug today, but couldn't afford it - I think I need a companion though.

You do find so much about yourself on solo trips like these - it's trite, but true. I like some of it - finding I could land the shuttle was a metaphor for much of that brave autonomy I wanted, especially refusing to let my male co-pilot take over! - but some nasty surprises have emerged. I know I am needy and controlling and get more so when I'm vulnerable - I want to will people into loving me. I can get rageful when this plan doesn't work as well and push people away. Oh, and I end up not liking myself. Nice cycle. But I guess I know and I can learn. If only knowing changed things!

I guess I have to hold on to my good points- my loving, kind, generous nature. Not be hard on myself.

I found a brilliant poet/ artist today in a store in Key West called Brian Andreas - here's something of his ...

"There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain & remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself."

I guess that's the point - to be at the Southern most point and remember I can take care of myself.



Posted on June 8, 2005 08:48 AM

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