Never Ask Me!

Published: May 3rd 2022
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From MSN: But there is one thing I haven’t done. Will not do. Will never do. Will grow angry enough at you to throw spitballs at you if you ask me to do. And that’s move my seat on a plane to accommodate you so that you can sit with your friends or family or concubines or whoever else you’re flying with.

Your grandma’s on the flight with you and you want to sit next to her? Granny should’ve taught you to plan ahead. Maybe Granny wants a break from her thoughtless progeny. You ever think about that? Of course not, because you’re thoughtless. You’re separated from your 6-year-old son? Braylin has to learn to fend for himself. Plus, this ain’t Antarctica. It’s an 80-minute, temperature-controlled trip to Albany on a flying couch. He’ll be fine next to his new Uncle D.
The rationale for my abject refusal to budge is simple. I hate flying. It is a thoroughly uncomfortable experience for me, from the moment I enter the airport. There’s the vaguely fascist security line, where we’re de-shoed, de-walleted and de-belted while waiting to jaunt through a doorway of allegedly targeted radiation.
To somewhat alleviate this anxiety, I’m very intentional with seating. I need a window seat, so that I can rest my head against it and sleep. I am also 6-foot-2 with a big head, a short torso, long legs and big feet, and airplane seats are apparently built for Simone Biles. Which means that paying extra for legroom — even if that means an exit row or first class — is paramount. Not for comfort, but for less discomfort.

So, asking me to change my seat to accommodate you is essentially asking me to give you money and give myself a panic attack just so you can whisper in your wife’s ear about hummus. (“Babe, did you try the garlic? I think I tasted a hint of ginger.”) Nope. Naw. Never. I will fight you.

Maybe this makes me a bad person. That’s fine. I’ll be that. I’ll also be asleep, so I don’t care!

That sounds like a very bitter person, maybe not?
Here is my take on the subject. First, I agree, please plan ahead, or just fly Southworst. Second, changing seats does cost me money, since I paid for a more expensive ticket or used miles to upgrade. Third, you are a real pain in the ass. And fourth, rarely has anyone done this for me, nobody has paid it forward! I prefer an aisle seat! Or if you want my seat, upgrade me to First Class!!The only exception? If the middle seat is located between two female tennis stars. Or how about between Willie Mays and Joe Montana?Meanwhile, just be happy you are going somewhere!


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