the perfect writer's retreat

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you know, i never imagined a house far away from the hustle-and-bustle of a big town could offer me such optimum relief. i have imagined myself, always, living the vertigo life only new york could provide. all the more, i thought i had declared myself the most dreadful enemy against the quiet (country or small-town) life. only, when you start realizing, once again, that life is full of surprises, and you open yourself up to the uknown possibilities, you find yourself enjoying the most simple pleasures in life, ironically, in a house, on a hill, away from everything, silence reigning.

grace offered me a few days of calm in her house in orange county. yes, i have finally managed to get down here, to the OC. the house is welcoming, high-ceilinged, well lit, very roomy, overall a dot of peace in the quiet storm i subjected myself to back in berkeley. time for reflection has arrived. having grace by my side is by far the most interesting aspect of my short trip to southern california: she intervened, by default, at the most critical moment in my life, and there i was, once again deciding upon the path i am to take in the next few months. i chose chicago as final point of destination. in the meantime, i am enjoying the early sunny mornings, with coffee cups and cigarettes, with ashen hills and perfect skies as dreamy backdrop for what will come. my inspiration is coming in low tides -- i have had many wonderful thoughts during my drive down here, thoughts that have now vanished, or perhaps crystallized in little pebbles that will later on in the night dissolve into myriad stories. to tell you the turth, i'm not much of a day-writer anyway...
i can tell you this much: i am happy to have achieved a long-term fantasy of mine -- pack up and go. it really is as simple as this. friday i decided upon moving back to chicago, via los angeles (and mexico), and as much as it saddened most of me and my friends, i am know fully satisfied, remorseless. i have quasi-disappeared, without regrets. i apologize for not having told all of you about my plans, but i needed to do this for myself. not to mention my long-term affair with THE lady had to be over, and there was no other way to do it but leave everything behind. how many times have i done this so far? probably about three times this summer. insane or not, i have lived this summer on the brink of doubt and skepticism, making many decisions, building up itineraries upon itineraries. perhaps not ever having thought "los angeles", or "mexico" (!!!) was the most convincing factor in this whole deal. this really was the perfect opportunity to leave to a place unknown (even for a bit), and leave fast. 3 days! 3 days is all it took for me to clear up the skies of my loneliness-burdened mind.
blah, blah...
i wish i could express more sadness over leaving northern california for good, but i simply cannot. i am happy, content, i have had my closings with whomever i had to have my closings, some good, some not-so-good, but i feel serene, and i'll be darned if this isn't the most amazing feeling i have had in a long time.

more later...

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