The Passport, the Camera, and Me

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Ya know, you plan and plan and plan and buy stuff and and go to the tanning salon and plan and plan for a vacation that seems like it takes forever to get here and then BOOM! it’s over and all you are left with is a camera filled with photos that need to be edited and uploaded (I have more than 600 pictures), suitcases filled with wrinkled clothes and suntan lotions, and a screwed up sleep schedule. It sucks getting back to the real world.

I am going to start off with a few observations, confirmations, and bitching. First the observations.

This is not meant to be offensive to anyone, it is simply something that I noticed. I don’t think I have ever seen such a large ratio of obese people in comparison to average weight people like I saw on the cruise ship. I don’t mean people who are slightly overweight, I mean people who are between one to three hundred pounds overweight. This includes a lot of very fat children. I have never really noticed or paid attention in other places, but there was just so many of them that it was hard not to notice. Kinda curious as to why.

I was surprised how long it took to get from the pier in New Orleans to the ocean. We sailed down the Mississippi River for 8 hours before we entered the Gulf. I was expecting that we would set sail and be in the ocean in a matter of minutes. Nope. I am not complaining though, I enjoyed seeing the bayous.

My dislike for crowds was confirmed as was my dislike of whiny children and the parents that ignore them, scream at them, or even worse - encourage them. Worse than the parents with the whiny kids, were the parents of the bratty, naughty kids who believe that their kids are ooooh too cute to scold, instead laughing and cooing about how funny their little shitheads are when they are kicking the back of a stranger’s chair or throwing food into the ocean or making a scene with their screaming for more ice cream. There were a few times that I fantasized about slugging a parent in the head then tossing their kid overboard. Oh that would have been satisfying.

Why, why, why, EFF’n WHY do people stop right in the middle of walking through a crowd, turn around and holler out to their kid or spouse, hitting you in the face with their bad breath and deafening you with their - “HEY! MADISON (or Jordan or Brooklyn or :::insert latest name-trend::: ), GET YOUR BROTHER AND COME UP HERE!” Or the people who just stop in mid-step and just gawk around all slack-jawed and slobbery. You look them in the eye and see a total void or lack of comprehension that maybe they should get the hell out of the way instead of causing a 10 person pile-up. I purposely crashed into a few of them with a “OH EXCUSE ME!” in hopes that it would wake them up. Project failed, there is no waking those people up.

People who crop dust in crowds, to include those who audibly rip ass with eye-watering, squirty-sounding vileness. The worst was the old man or Asian woman (we narrowed it down to those two) who added the lovely stench of rotten spinach with a side order of defecated skunk anus coupled with the beautiful background musak of the sound your hair gel makes when you squirt it into your hand to an otherwise lovely hike of the Mayan ruins. More than a few times. Me thinks someone had to wipe their butt when they got back on the boat. GROSS! Second worse was the stinkass who farted up the disembarkment crowd when we had no way to escape.

Okay, ‘nuff bitching.

New Orleans -



I expected to see a lot more damage from Katrina, but our route between the airport, hotel, dock, and the French Quarter was pretty much the same and we didn’t travel very far so we didn‘t get down into the areas where there is still damage.





We did pass the dome each time, which was kind of eerie knowing the suffering that went on there. There were some tall buildings across from the dome that looked as if they were rebuilding the gutted out first few floors.



I made a new friend with one of our taxi drivers. He gave me a very emotionally charged story of how he “were awl aupset ’bout fiden sum man wif-out drawers wif hims wy-eff”. He kept asking me what I thought he should do, take a visit to Judge Judy or go talk to Dr. Phil. He was hilarious, but I felt a little bad for him. Not bad enough that could stop myself from laughing out loud as he told me these things, but still a little bad.

I really, really wanted to go to the St. Louis Cemetery Number 1, especially to check out Marie Laveau’s crypt and just the creepiness of the entire place, but sadly the cemetery closed before we were able to get there.

http://www.graveaddiction.com/1stlouis.html


(Obviously this pic is not one of my own. I stole it from some kind soul on the internet.)

Nevertheless, we did find this little museum:



http://www.voodoomuseum.com/

The first thing you notice is the gator head above the door. According to John T. Martin, the resident Voodoo Priest, the gator head keeps out evil spirits. There are also brooms hung above the door inside that are used to sweep out the evil spirits.





John T. (he drops the Martin and just goes by John T.) claimed to have 7 large snakes living in his apartment above the museum, which I do not doubt, as I have seen the photos. He told us that his largest snake is 24 feet long and can open doors. He has a female snake that is in heat and is making goo-goo eyes and wants to mate with him so he is keeping his distance.

Ummmmmmmmm allllllllll-righty then.


I don't know and I don't want to know.

He told us something about a pet spider with a 1 or 2 foot span and how it jumped on a lady’s head and freaked her out. I missed most of this story because I was looking at the huge cockroach/palmetto/june bug that was crawling on one of the shelves and later chased my sister around the room. John T. said that it didn’t do any good to run from the bug because they can fly. That was my cue to get the hell outa Dodge before I could take a photo. Thanks to the scary bug, I didn't get a pic so I totally ripped this one off with a Google search.



John also claims to be the only white Voodoo Priest from Africa and that his ordainment was passed down from his grandmother (who was a Voodoo Priestess) when he was just a child. He said that he was the expert voodoo consultant for the movie Serpent and the Rainbow, been featured on various television shows, and is supposedly quite well known in the voodoo community. He certainly seemed to know a great deal about voodoo and the history. I don’t know if everything he said was 100 percent true, especially the spider story, but he was very entertaining and with the exception of the human-eating killer insect that could have taken flight at any moment, he made the museum visit wonderful.

http://www.voodoomuseum.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=8&Itemid=12



There were instructions on how to make a blessing request to Marie Laveau. You wrote your wish on a piece of paper, wrapped it around a coin, dropped it into the pot, knocked three times, then prayed to Marie for your wish to come true.


My niece Nicole knocking and making a wish.

As we left the voodoo museum and were gathering on the sidewalk, a local gentleman walked past and warned in an ominous voice, "Stay away from that voodoo, you don't know the evil you are messing with. Trust me, I know." ::::insert scary music:::: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Ummmm. . . we came away with a few voodoo dolls and gris-gris bags. Stay tuned, I’ll let you know if they work. I'll also let you know if and when the evil spirits attack.

John T. directed us up the street to the oldest building in the French Quarter and the location or inspiration of the home of Lestat from The Interview with a Vampire. Again, I was checking out the really big bug and didn’t hear the full explanation. I will ask my daughter for clarification.

After the old vampire house movie/book inspiration place, we took John T.’s suggestion and headed up to Cafe du Monde, for legendary coffee and beignets. I have to say that without a doubt, that was the best coffee I have ever had. I brought back a can of grounds for myself and am drinking it as we speak. It is heaven. The beignets were also to die for and we ended up bringing a box of mix home as well. I am not eating any of those because I am too lazy to mix up a batch and Alex isn't home to do it for me, otherwise I would be scarfing them down!



http://www.cafedumonde.com/

“The Original Cafe Du Monde Coffee Stand was established in 1862 in the New Orleans French Market. The Cafe is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It closes only on Christmas Day and on the day an occasional Hurricane passes too close to New Orleans.”

The place is noisy and messy with powdered sugar all over the tables, floors, and chairs, which no one seems to care or even try to wash up, as it would be pointless. The beignets come with no less than a cup of powdered sugar underneath and poured on top and no one comes out of there un-powdered.



We walked past the artists near Jackson Square the shopped a little bit while heading back to Bourbon Street.



We stopped at Two Sisters Restaurant for Jambalaya and Po Boy Sandwiches for lunch, which was yummy, then we topped off the day with our fair share of Hand Grenades and flying Mardi Gras beads from the balcony (with only one minor injury).




Alex is pissed because he can't have one.

The had the most awesome ornaments of male firemen, cops, construction workers, with mermaid tails. "That's merman, dad. MerMAN!" They were so fabulously gay! I hate myself for not buying a few. Check out the window behind my son and his cigar for a few examples.



New Orleans was awesome, but we sure didn’t have enough time. I definitely want to return and stay for at least a week.








Have you ever seen a cruise ship? Those suckers are huge, thank the good Lord Baby Jesus! I was having visions of being claustrophobically cramped with 9000 people when I saw the cattle being herded through security and onto the boat. You really do have some space when you spread everyone out over 10 levels of boaty goodness.

The main entrance to the ship is awesome with the Grand Atrium Plaza which included the atrium bar shops, art gallery, excursion information desk, and guest information desk.





Our stateroom was on the Empress Deck, rooms E199 and E203, to be exact. It was a good spot, just far enough away from things, yet close enough to the action. (Thank you Sandy!)
http://www.carnival.com/Deck_Plan.aspx?shipCode=FA&icid=CC_Carnival%!F(MISSING)antasy_139

Our room steward was adorable and oh so cool! He had our names memorized by the first day and left us towel animals and chocolate on our pillow every night!









The boat didn’t rock as much as I expected, in fact, I hardly felt it at all. There were a few times however, that it really swayed, but we found out later that it wasn’t because of rough seas, but because there was a medical emergency and the captain put the peddle to the metal so we could get to Mexico early. We never heard what happened to the guy. Heart attack? Broken toe? Flaring hemorrhoids? Dunno.

It took a few days back on land before I stopped feeling the room sway, so maybe we moved more than I noticed.

The first (and suckiest part of the entire trip) was the required emergency evacuation drill, which pretty much consisted of grabbing your lifejackets, heading to our Muster Station, sitting around looking at each other, then hauling ourselves out to the deck to stand in packed rows of sweaty (it was humid!) sardines until they gave us the good word that the boat was not going to sink . . . .



. . . and that we could begin the debauchery (which we did with a toast of champagne in our room and a group photo via the mirror!!!) Woo hoo!





HINT FOR FUTURE CRUISERS: You are allowed to bring one bottle of wine per adult guest on board. Our wonderful room steward surprised us with a cooler filled with ice, which he changed daily, to store the wine. This greatly cut down our booze expense.

Adding to our wine supply, was a bottle included in this wonderful bon voyage gift from a good friend of mine! I should have taken the photo before I removed the bottle so you could see how cute it looked, but I pulled out the wine before I thought about it. Priorities, ya know?



The first day was spend cruising down the Mississippi through the bayou. I had expected that we would get in the ship and be on the ocean in a matter of minutes, but that is not the case. Instead of going into the ocean, the ship cut through land via the river. It took us 8 ½ hours to get to sea, which was okay with me as it gave us things to look at besides water.



Our first night in the formal dining room introduced us to the gorgeous food. Here is a sampling of the menu. I am serious, check it out!

Dinner Menu:
http://www.carnival.com/cms/Static_Templates/Promos/total_choice/pdf/dinnerMenu.pdf

Dessert Menu:
http://www.carnival.com/cms/Static_Templates/Promos/total_choice/pdf/dessertMenu.pdf



Our fantastic wait staff, Devy and . . . Crap, what is his name. . . I’ll find out.



Other eating choices included a burger/hot dog/chicken fingers/fries joint, BBQ place, and a Mongolian grill on the Lido Deck. The only place I (wisely) only partaked. . . partooked. . . ate. . . on the Lido was the Mongolian, which was delicious! Sushi Bar, that was only open during certain hours, which I never did coordinate with the times I was hungry (my biggest regret), 24 hour pizza that the boys proclaimed the BEST pizza ever, and Windows By The Sea buffet where we ate breakfast and most lunches. There was also 24 hour ice cream, which pleased my ice cream addicted niece.










Daily breakfast on the back deck, breathing in the ocean air. Heaven!

No one could ever be hungry on that boat. Ever.

I am going to take a time out and report that having heard all of the horror stories about massive weight gain on cruises (and it was certainly obvious how that could happen), I made a pact with myself that I would be the exception. There would be no use of elevators (I spent more time on the stairs than I spent in a lounge chair), healthy food in small quantities, nothing fried, and very little sweets (I ordered the diet dessert most of the time and it was very good!). Also, it didn’t hurt that we walked our butts off in New Orleans, climbed all over the ruins in the Yucatan, kayaking and snorkeling in Cozumel, and taking advantage of the track on the very top layer of the ship with an amazing view of the ocean.

Anyhoo, I lost THREE POUNDS! GO ME!

Yucatan, The Mayan Ruins -

We purchased a tour to the Mayan Ruins, which started early in the morning, which meant we had to wake up at the unGodly hour of 5:00 a.m. This is okay during the normal work week, but vacation? ICK! Whatever. It was so worth it!

Arriving in Progresso.







The first think you notice are the beautiful trees and the hundreds of butterflies! So pretty!





This interesting Ceiba tree is hollow and was believed by the Mayans to carry spirits from the underworld through the hollow inside into the terrestrial realm and the sky.



The ruins were better than I imagined they would be and I imagined that they would be awesome!

The tour began with a walk up an incline and a few stair, to be greeted by this! It was about this time that someone (an old man or an Asian woman), started to crap themselves, or at least it sounded like it. Anything that wet sounding, had to have some substance or at least leave a skid or two. GROSS!



There were iguanas everywhere!





It is believed that the Mayans rebuilt their temples and pyramids every 52 years. The government has made it a requirement that anyone who participates in the tearing down and rebuilding of the structures must be of Mayan descent because they will bring pride to their work. They have also begun numbering the rocks of the structure in order to assist in the upcoming rebuild. This will allow them to replace the stones in the correct order.








This stone represents the penis penetrating the earth. Based on the exaggerated size, I am sure it was created by a man.















The snake is a common theme in Mayan symbols.






Dung Beetle rolling poop! YAY! We were afraid he was going to push it too far and fall from here (where we found him). Hopefully he didn‘t, I mean, who will roll the turds? See all the birds? They were everywhere!



We made our way to the ball court where we learned about the game:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesoamerican_ballgame

“The ballgame was played within a large masonry structure. Built in a form that changed remarkably little during 2700 years, over 1300 Mesoamerican ballcourts have been identified, 60%!i(MISSING)n the last 20 years alone. Although there is a tremendous variation in size, in general all ballcourts are the same shape: a long narrow playing alley flanked by walls with both horizontal and sloping (or, more rarely, vertical) surfaces. The walls were often plastered and brightly painted. Although the alleys in early ballcourts were open-ended, later ballcourts had enclosed end-zones, giving the structure an -shape when viewed from above.

Captives were often shown in Maya art, and it is assumed that these captives were sacrificed after losing a rigged ritual ballgame. Rather than nearly nude and sometimes battered captives, however, the ballcourts at El Tajin and Chichen Itza show the sacrifice of practiced ballplayers, perhaps the captains of the losing team. Decapitation is particularly associated with the ballgame - severed heads are featured in much Late Classic ballgame art and appear repeatedly in the Popol Vuh. There has even been speculation that the heads and skulls were used as balls.

At El Tajin, the ballplayer sacrifice ensures the renewal of pulque, an alcoholic maguey cactus beverage. Fertility is a theme of the ballgame from the earliest times; for example, Formative period ballplayer figurines - most likely female - often wear maize icons.
The theme of solar movement is tied to fertility and the bouncing ball is thought to have represented the sun, and the sacrifice of a ballplayer represented the death of the sun, which would then be reborn. In its inherent duality, the game appears as a struggle between day and night, and/or a battle between life and the underworld. The stone scoring rings are said to signify sunrise and sunset, or equinoxes. Courts were considered portals to the underworld and were built in key locations within the central ceremonial precincts.

Playing ball engaged one in the maintenance of the cosmic order of the universe and the ritual regeneration of life. It was a game of chance, skill and trickery reflecting life. The team effort engaged individuals in shared behaviour and culture, introducing, reinforcing and reinventing the game of life and peoples’ place in the cosmic order.”





From the ball court, we hiked on to the temple. Alex the show off, ran to the top Rocky style. I was crapping myself with visions of him tumbling to the bottom. Those stone steps are steep and narrow.









It was a great adventure and has made me all the more interested in visiting more ruins.

Leaving Progresso.



Cozumel

Kayaking, Snorkeling, and Mexican Beer

Although the ruins were soooooooooo cool and fascinating, I think we all agreed that Cozumel was the day we had the most fun.

See this water? I did not Photoshop or touch it up in anyway. That is the true color! It is so blue and clear that it looks like a swimming pool. Gorgeous!






Our boat.


Another view sans trees.








The beach where we went to kayak and snorkel.


That same beach where Alex and Mitch drank their “We’re in Mexico so it is legal” beer, not to mention that free beer was included in our kayak/snorkeling package. Too bad you still have a few years back home in Utah, boys! HA HA! :::point and laugh::::

Please forgive the poor quality of pictures. These were taken with one time use water cameras.


Dixie and Zack before they tipped over and almost drowned.




Is that a seaweed mustache on Alex? What is up with that?

We went snorkeling in the Mesoamerican Barrier Reef System, which is the second largest in the world. It was amazing!

http://www.aboutplayadelcarmen.com/playadelcarmen/mesoamerican-barrier-reef.asp



We went waaaaaaaaaaaay out there! (Zette would be so proud).













Crab spider looking creature.




Cave filled with fishies!

We found a special little friend walking back along the beach. You shouldn’t take creatures away from their natural environment, but we couldn’t resist. We took him to dinner later that night.


I think he was the love child of these two:





Of course, we hit some shopping with the extra time before we had to get board.



Three Amigos Cantina AKA the place where tourist go to get trashed before they get back on the ship.


This guy was the last to board (and it was obvious why). He was stumbling all the way up the dock. I am surprised he didn’t fall into the ocean.

It was such a great time! Poor Zacky got really sunburned in spite of the (coral friendly, thankyouverymuch SPF 50 sun block). The sun out there is brutal!

I am going to pull out that old cliche' about all good things must coming to an end and plop it right here ----] It is true, all good things must come to an end - PLOP! - and our vacation came to that end much too soon.

It doesn't matter that all the miles and all the time it takes to get to your vacation destination is the same, coming home always seems like it takes a lot longer and feels like you travel halfway around the world and back. It sucks.

During our last supper in the dining room, the waitstaff performed a hokey (but cute) rendition of "Leaving on a Jet Plane" (they really should keep their day jobs). The Maitre D (does that spelling look right?) told everyone goodbye and that we were the best guests ever! I dunno, it sounded a little scripted to me.



Bu-Bye ocean. Thanks for not freaking me out.


Christine, Brian, and Alex watching us enter the Mississippi. For some reason, Brian finds this really scary.

One of MANY oil rigs we passed as we got closer to the coast.


After waking up to gorgeous seas and beautiful tropical paradises, we woke up to this on our last morning. BOOOO I say, BOOOOOOOOOO!



Getting off the boat and going through customs, took us a couple of miserable hours.

Here we are leaving New Orleans - I should also mention that everyone in my family has to agree that I can do the best impression of Louis Armstrong. BAR NONE! If they say anything different, they are big fat liars.




The rest of the day sucked . . . .









. . . and then we got home.

The End

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