The Haunted Toilet


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North America » Canada
October 29th 2019
Published: October 29th 2019
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October 29



The ballad of the haunted toilet



It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a light went on. And off.

And on. And off.

Somewhere a toilet flushed. Then it made an unpleasant grinding noise. An old man gave a peculiar laugh, like he was muffling his head under his own pillow to avoid the light.

Pretty scary stuff, eh, boys and girls?

Welcome to the Ritz-Carlton Montreal and the spooooooky bathroom. Open the door and watch as the possessed toilet seat rises and closes, groaning like a soul from Heck. TRY – if you dare!– the different settings on the autojohn! Watch Tim panic as he tries to shut off the howling of the steam shower!

You have never seen a bathroom with more gadgets in your life. The toilet alone has like about 20 different settings: picture attached so you can see for yourself. That won’t cover the weird noises all of this stuff makes. The toilet lid rises on its own when an invisible mechanism triggers it, groaning with the effort. And if you are actually brave enough to perch yourself on the seat of
Releasing the steam shower dragonReleasing the steam shower dragonReleasing the steam shower dragon

You see anything here that says "oh, look, here's how to turn the steam shower on"?
ease, a further chorus of watery sounds begins. It takes some courage to stay there for any length of time!

However, in the interest of science and knowing that you, my loyal readers, would demand more information, I took my courage in both hands (never heard it described that way, have you?) and actually went through the cycles. All of them.

Ew. All of the wash and rinse cycles could be duplicated by someone with an water pistol full of warm water, an unprecedented opportunity, and a heart full of evil intent. Purely in the interests of science, you understand, I have used a bidet. It is an odd sensation but, one entirely under the control of the user. Could be worse. But this thing – ‘way too much of a mind of its own. And the dry cycle?!

Sheesh. It might even work. I wasn’t going to stick around to find out. Talk about yer uplifting experience.

(The clerk at the check out told me that most of their clientele are too afraid to try anything except the automatic toilet seat lifter and the flush mechanism. Shows they are more sensible than I am.)

Then there is the steam shower. There are, as you can see, no indications on the control panel of what it does. You know what it’s like when you use a strange shower for the first time? They all have their quirks and you want to learn them before committing your poor naked self to the possibility of blasts of boiling or freezing water coming from unexpected angles. Spotting the control panel, I decided to try it out. Push this. Nothin’. Tap that. Again nuthin’. Press the on/off button – Yikes.

Something roars and the shower stall gets hot and steamy, very quickly, then hotter and steamier. And some more. I figure I’ve broken the thing or maybe I am having an attack or something. I can’t locate the source of the heat and I swear that for a couple of minutes I couldn’t remember how to get the door open. I have a brain wave and turn the damn thing off and all is blessed silence.

I guess I am wired for low-tech. That’s okay, except when using the espresso machine in the airport lounge yesterday. Glaring resentfully at the constantly changing picture on the front screen of happy people sipping the beverages I wanted, but could not get, I pushed everything I could reach. No result. Still these pictures flash up in front of me. Lattes and espressos and all that good stuff. Never occurred to me that it was a touch screen and all I had to do was poke one of these happy images right in the eye. Then somebody showed me that it is what I had to do.

Kind of enjoyed it after that!



Written at the Montreal airport while thinking of all of you. Now off to Zurich and a chance to visit the depths of jet lag!

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