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Published: March 27th 2008
First Beer
Who'd have known a half hour later i would be asleep in that glass suffering the effects of jet lag.Hello once again my avid readers. Hope you like the entries and my writing doesn't bore you to death. Right, enough of the foreplay, lets get stuck in.
I never thought in my entire life i would once again end up on the shores of North America. As most of you know I. HATE. FLYING. But i figured i had to grow a pair and see the places i'd been bangin on about since i was 17. The flight wasn't that bad actually. The only problem was because i'm tight fisted and wanted the cheapest fare EVER I had to initially fly into Chicago and then fly out, back the way i came to Toronto. At the time it didn't seem that bad but when it got to about hour 6 of the 8:30 flight i was ready to die from boredom. Lord only knows how people make the flight to Australia/New Zealand! Of course, things got worse after I landed in Chicago. At immigration I was asked if I knew anyone in my final destination of Toronto. Foolishly I told them the truth:
‘So then Sir, do you know anyone who lives in your final destination stop of
Young Street
Here I am stood on Young Street Apparently the longest road in North America. Toronto’
‘Yes I do’
‘And what would his name be?’
‘Imran’
Oooops.
As soon as the name left my mouth I knew what a mistake I’d made. The burley no-nonsense officer shot me the look of all looks and I knew I was in for a grilling. Just from the look you could tell what he thought. Imran, with a name like that, was clearly going to be a terrorist for Al-Queda and I was going to meet him to help plot the downfall of Northern America. To save me from intense scrutiny and cheeky finger up the poop shoot I played the Hugh Grant card. Hopefully he would thing the blithering English idiot stood before him wasn’t even capable tying his shoe laces successfully let alone creating a WMD with his ethnic chum. It seemed to work and within 20 minutes I was off on my merry little way to the departure gate for my next flight.
Air Eagle were the company guilty of laying on the shuttle flight between Chicago and Toronto in a plane that seemed no bigger than a can of coke. It was tiny and as an avid hater of flying I
Leafs Tickets!
Everyone told me they were rarer than rocking horse droppings. I got one on the day of the game. was mortified. As the little thing took off I wasn’t at all surprised to find it had all the stability of a 6 year old on a push bike for the first time without stabalisers. It was quite possibly the longest 1:30 of my life. Still, it got me to Toronto safe enough so I can’t really complain.
Waiting for me when I got off at the other end was my ‘Taliban chum’ Imran. For those of you who kept track of me on my previous jaunt you will remember that I met Imran in Prague. For someone who I’ve known for so little time I couldn’t believe how kind he was. He definitely fell into the stereotypical super nice Canadian bracket. Collecting me from the airport, we went straight to the hostel for me to check in and then back out for quite possibly the best steak I’ve ever had in my life. The only problem was I wasn’t in the mood to enjoy it. I was absolutely shattered thanks to flying for what felt like the best part of a month and by 8 o’clock in the evening, just as our mains arrived, I had to throw
Snow drift
Just a quick example of how high up the snow gets in Toronto. in the towel. It was a disappointing start to the holiday but I figured I have a month to go out and get drunk, there was no need to rush into it on the first night.
The following day we did the site seeing bit. I knew there was a Toronto Maple Leafs NHL game on that night but I was told tickets were rarer than rockin horse shit. I still chanced my luck though and was told that ‘Just this very minute’ a ticket at a reasonable price in a decent spot had just turned up. I was made up. More about the game a little later on.
We also did the uBer geeky site seeing bit and went up the CN Tower which, at 1,465ft, holds the record for being the highest observation deck in the world. Following that we went to meet up with Imrans friend Saeed. Saeed was a bit of an entrepreneur. Back in the day he was a big time software consultant. Now he owns his own ‘Burger joint’ called Burger shoppe (the burgers there are immense btw) and he’s looking to expand the business AND open a bar. Should he be
successful in doing this I’ll want tips on how to make my millions!
After we’d finished hangin out there I went off to the Maple Leafs game alone. The Maple leafs are the darlings of Toronto, the natives here love them. They are the most commercially successful team in North America apparently and pull in sell out crowds week in week out. This game was also supposed to be a bit of a derby match so I was expecting a really good game. I went in expecting Man Utd. What I got, was Newcastle. How else can you describe a team that has such an avid following but can get tonked 2-6 on their home turf?
The best part about the game was actually the guys I was sat next to. Because of them I finally managed to figure out a way to separate Canadians from Americans. There are several noticeable differences. Now I know that I’m not the sharpest tool in the box but when it comes to Canadians it appears that although they are super nice, they’re a little bit, well, dim. They seem to be a little bit slow on the uptake and I think
Walk of faith
Glass floor on observation deck of the CN (Canadian National) Tower because of this that it leads onto the second difference. They have a sense of humour bypass. I know I’m not the funniest guy in the world but come on. Not even a titter did I get out of those guys (or many other Canadians on the trip). It was like they were numb to ‘powers’ for an entire 2 hours. The third and final difference is an absolute cracker. Get a Canadian to say the word ‘Out’. They seem to me to have an identical accent to the Americans until it comes to this word. They say it with a crossed accent somewhere between the way you would expect someone from Glasgow to say it and someone from west country. It was at this point that I had noticed the tattoo the chap sat next to me on his neck. It had a Canadian flag on it next to the words 'Pure Bred'. At this I laughed my hearty little arse off. With him sounding a little like he was from West Country I thought it would be more appropriate for him to change one of the words to ‘half’ (if anyone Canadian is reading this you need to
Claim to fame
Blurb at the highest viewing point on the CN tower. It's that little blob above the main observation deck of the photo titled 'CN Tower'. change the word ‘pure’ not ‘bred’).
Following the game I was ready for the off and had the best intentions to go to bed. Only thing was as I got to the hostel I got ‘bullied’ into going out for ‘an innocent beer round the corner, back by midnight latest’. At four o’clock I stumbled back to the hostel with my new found chums. I had spent most of the night talking to a dutch girl about how socially acceptable it is now to say the word c*nt, taking the piss out of how Canadians say 'out' with some Brazilian chap and chatting general bollocks to the local ladies. All in all a top night was had.
Sunday brought with it a new day of possibilities and new drinking opportunities. It was the St.Patricks day parade and it has to be the most random thing I have ever seen. When someone says there is a parade on I always picture this image of a rainy May day in Poulton where a couple of streets are closed and the largest float you will see has been group of 6 year olds using a trolley, bits of ply wood and
Puck off
Taken just as the game kicked off a felt tip pen. The Canadians fair slightly better than this. To appreciate the size of some of these floats please see attached photos. The streets were awash with the sound of bagpipes and marching bands from 12 o’clock for the next few hours and everyone was either wearing something green or had a four leaf clover painted on their mush.
I got the feeling from the parade that the celebrations weren’t just really about celebrating St. Patricks day but more about supporting the local forces and celebrating the ethnic diversity within the city. In the space of 10 minutes I saw groups ranging from; the military, a Philippineo marching band, the fire department, Dublin County, A Thai marching band, Jamaican Steel drum band followed by a Cork County float. All floats sported green trimmings but even floats for Dublin County had Canadian flags in there. It seemed that at a time where everyone wanted to be Irish, they were still really proud to be Canadian. Even the Phillipineos and the Thai’s. Gloabalisation eh? I dunno.
After I had seen the celebration I met with Imran and went out drinking with some more of his chums. The closest
Paddys day parade
An example of the size of some of the floats used in the paddys day parade. This one was particularly bad taste as it was of the Titanic and had a hinged keel which bobbed up and down every so often. of which was Stephan. Stephan looked like a cheeky rogue and had this air about him that instantly made me think of Huey from the Fun Lovin Criminals. It turns out he did indeed have a chequered past but was by far the most articulate and interesting chap I’d met in Canada. One little gem he came out with was this:
'If you believe that man actally go to the moon and everything you saw was true then who was the first man on the moon?'
'Well, i'd obviously have to go for Niel Armstrong then.'
'Really? Then who was operating the camera that shot his first steps?'
Certainly made me think that one.
We hit it off pretty well and the three of us (plus another bunch of drunk Canadians) carried on drinking long into the night. An absolutely awesome St. Patricks day parade. This, however wasn't the last of the celebrations. On the followong day, the real St.Patricks day, the Youth Hostel where i was staying were having an all day drinking session. Now you know how hard i find it to resist the temptation of a social gathering and i once again found myself
partaking in the festivities. I remember very little of the evening but i do remember the pub we spent most of our time. The place was called Madisons and is quite possibly the best pub i have ever been to. For you Blackpool readers it was basically like the Dunes only 4 times the size bigger, and on four floors. The place was unbelievable. If you go to Toronto this is the once place i'd definately recommend to visit. It was brilliant.
Finally, hurrah i hear you all cry, I reached my final day in Toronto. I had waited until today to make arrangements with Imran to go to see Niagara falls. One word to describe the place. Amazing. I was completely mesmerised by the sight of it. I spent a good 30 minutes just watching the falls in which time i think Imran just assumed i suffered from narchilepsie and left me to go and get a coffee. I cannot describe what i felt as i watched one of the natural wonders of the world thunder away in front of me, carrying on, business as usual, like it has done for the last god knows how many thousand
I want you to hit me as hard as you can
He actually said that to me and after a few beers the temptation was enormous. years. I think i visited at the perfect time of year. Sure the maid of the mist (the boat that takes you 20 yards closer to the falls than you can get by land) wasn't running, but i didn't care. To me, Niagara had been framed by a majestic snow scene which made it look absolutely stunning. I could ask for no more of nature to try and impress me, it did a fantastic job.
You'll be pleased to hear i didn't go out and get drunk that night.
Well that's it for this installment peeps, tune in next week for more fun filled antics from Colorado.
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Hanson
non-member comment
Awesome!!
Keep it up Gough Myster!!!!!!