WWAD (What Would Alan Do?)

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With the departure of my guests on Thursday morning and Shez still being in the UK, it's given me the opportunity to catch up on the latest crop of zombie/horror films. Shez doesn't like them, but I do, and Prakash down at "Mona Lisa Video Rentals" has always got a good stock of DVDs. At less than 40p a rental I am not too worried if the odd movie is a bit of a dud.

When watching these films where people are in peril, I can't help thinking that most of the time it is their own fault that they are in the predicament in they are in, and in many cases they could have prevented a great deal of pain and emotional stress by taking a different course of action or even basic preparation.

I understand that 90 minutes of someone enjoying a camping trip and not suffering any misfortune would not be very exciting, but seeing these people exacerbating an already bad situation has given me a fairly clear idea of things that I will or won't do. This is my top 20.

1 - I will not undertake a long overland journey in a vehicle that I know regularly overheats, has trouble starting or some other known reliability issues.

2 - If I have to hire a vehicle for any reason, I will hire the best one I can afford and I will make sure it has a spare tire, jack and wheel brace. If it has locking wheel nuts I will remove them and replace them with regular wheel nuts before commencing the journey.

3 - I shall have as a minimum an up to date map covering the area of my journey. I will not take advice on short cuts from scary looking petrol station owners who look like they come from a long line of siblings who have married each other. I will carry navigation aids as necessary and if I am travelling in a remote area I will file a travel plan with the relevant authorities. If need be I will carry a short wave radio and a 406 MHz Personal Locator Beacon.

4 - While driving, I will refrain from drinking alcohol or taking any drugs. Apart from vastly reducing the chances of an incident in the first place it will help my decision making process in the event of an incident caused by external factors.

5 - If it is legal for me to do so in my country of travel I shall carry a gun. I will ensure I am familiar with it and I will be capable of hitting an angry bear/axe-wielding psychotic mutant/zombie at a distance of at least 20 feet.

6 - If I have shot an angry bear/axe-wielding psychotic mutant/zombie and it is motionless on the ground, I will get within 10 feet of it and shoot it at least three more times in the head. I will not put my gun down and creep up to it and put my face within 6 inces of it's mouth to see if it's still breathing.

7 - If I have been captured by people who I know intend to torture/mutilate/kill/eat me (especially if I have seen them do this to several members of my group) and I am in a position of advantage over my captors I shall kill them immediately. I will not sneak past them in their sleep and hope to get away without them realising. I will not assume they are dead after getting a good punch, I will bash their heads right in before I walk away.

8 - If I have a choice whether to drive for another 50 miles to a town where there is a nice hotel, or spend the night in an spooky abandoned slaughterhouse, I will drive on to the hotel, no matter how desperate my travelling companion is to have sex with me. Again, staying sober will help my decision making.

9 - If I am camping and I need a wee, I will move 30 feet from the camp and relieve myself within sight and earshot of the camp. I will not crash through dense undergrowth for a quarter of a mile just to take a waz.

10 - If I come across an area where there is a lot of what is obviously butchered human remains in various states of decomposition I will see this as a cause of some alarm as opposed to an oppertunity to frighten my travelling companions with a skull and a bony arm.

11 - Similarly, if our vehicle has become damaged and immobilised after a suspicious accident, and we come across an area with many vehicles similarly damaged, this should be a cause for alarm, not a time to pick up free camping gear.

12 - I will not blindly follow orders from someone dressed as a policeman who is not acting like a policeman. Examples of indications of police impersonators include no ID, old fashioned, threadbare and blood-stained uniform, 25 year old squad car and shooting people for no reason with no warning.

13 - While looking for a hiding place in a building that is being used to torture/mutilate/kill people, the vat of human blood will be my very last resort. Deranged murderers pay little heed to even the most basic health and safety rules. Apart from the many diseases you could catch after immersing yourself in decroded human blood, it is extremely corrosive to metal items and it will almost certainly render your gun useless.

14 - Before aligning myself with a group of people I will seriously consider the pros and cons of the situation. While it may appear to be better with a group of heavily armed ex soldiers, gunfights are extremely hazardous. If you are being pursued by an angry bear/axe-wielding psychotic mutant/zombie you may be better off with a bunch of easily panicked girls in high heels. The angry bear/axe-wielding psychotic mutant/zombie will be able to pick them off from the rear while I make good my escape.

15 - If one of my group is bitten by a zombie, I will shoot them immediately. I will not carry them around injured for 12 hours, impeding our progress just so they can turn into a zombie themselves further biting, infecting and killing more of the group.

16 - If one of the group looks in pain and is constantly pressing a rag to his neck or arm, and gets all defensive if you ask if he's been bitten by a zombie, I will shoot them for the same reasons as in number 15.

17 - If a zombie gets into my fortified base, I will not set fire to it. Very few situations are improved by having a burning zombie stumbling around setting fire to the whole place.

18 - I will not use a chainsaw as a weapon in a confined space such as a cramped cellar or inside a moving vehicle. Chainsaws are extremely dangerous tools that are designed for cutting wood under controlled conditions. Apart from the hazard of the cutting chain, fumes from the two stroke engine can build up dangerous levels of carbon monoxide very quickly.

19 - Before stealing a vehicle from my captors I will check to make sure one of them is not hiding on the back seat with a big knife/gun/chainsaw. Psychotic killers tend to have much more relaxed views on the use of chainsaws in moving vehicles than I do.

20 - I will ecourage members of my group to give me plenty of warning if they see a zombie sneaking up behind me so I can take appropriate action. I will ask them not to wait until the zombie is right behind me before shooting it, making me momentarily think I am about to be shot. Apart from standards of marksmanship being greatly exaggerated in films during an uprising of the undead everyone will be a little on edge and potentially life endangering pranks tend not to help the group dynamic.

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Comments

[Bob Evans]

Mind of a mad man...!!
Top Tips, These should be circulated to the Coryton refinery as we know only to well several zombies are there, mostly in the NDT Cabin & all go by the name of Elvin...!! Item 19 was interesting but make sure you steal something quicker than the Vange scaffs tractor...!!

[LD]

dont eat cheese before bed and spend less 40ps.
Shez, hurry up back to the land-o-sand. Alan may well be running out of 40ps, as he appears to have viewed all recent and some not so recent second rate zombie movies.

[an elvin]

evans
Bob sucks cock