Banging (Sorted) Bangor

---

Bails Out!

It was my Birthday weekend and also it coincided with a Stag party of one Stretcho and Mikey Boy's mates.
David Bailey or Bails picked Chaddy and I up from our respective homes and we hit out on the highway. Chad wanted him to stop at an off License, so he could buy some cans of lager for the Journey. But Bails was having none it, he told him "F*ck off, if I can’t have a drink then you can’t"
Bails was Old Skool Team Moston. He had moved out of the Manor to Longsight about 6 years ago and settled down with his wife and kids.
No one had seen or heard from him a few years and here he was back on the pub scene, a clear sign to me that all was not well at home. Bizarrely he had lost his Mancurian accent and was speaking in what can be only described as "Mockney", it would slip occasionally when he a few too many scoops.
Bangor is located in north Wales; it is a big University City. Bangor was made famous back in 1979 by Fiddler's Dram who had there one and only hit with "Day Trip to Bangor (Didn't We Have a Lovely Time)". An interest bit of trivia about “Day Trip To Bangor", was that it was actually inspired after a day trip to Rhyl, but because Bangor had an extra syllable and slipped off the tongue easier it was used ahead of Rhyl, amazing eh?

The Masterplan

We arrived at our Hotel at 7pm after checking in we walked up a steep hill to Stretcho and Mikey Boy's Hotel. There Hotel was located opposite the Train Station and it was considerable nicer than ours. We found them at the Hotel bar, they were with the Stag (Alan) and 2 other guys who I did not know and that was it. I thought to myself “wow this guy can’t be a very popular chappie". We headed into the night.
The plan was to meet with Doggler later, as he was working until 8pm. He had a big shop fitting job on, and he had already spent the previous week in Bangor. He met up with us in Patricks, which was a cracking Irish pub. He was with a couple of Shop fitting mates; amongst them was Andrea who stacked the shelves that Dog and his crew put up.
“I had a right f**king mad one last Wednesday" "why what happened?" I asked him. "oh I will tell you later was all he said rather cryptically.

Wheel of Fortune

The Irish pub became rammed out so we moved on. We went from pub to pub and many Bacardi Breezers was supped, well they were order of the day back in the year 2000. At around 11ish we went to the only nightclub in town which was called ‘The Octagon’.
I went to the bar and ordered a round for Bails, Chad and myself. I paid for the drinks and I was just about to walk off, when the barman said to me “Sir, before you go I must spin the Wheel of Fortune for you" "Eh" I said some what puzzled, I squinted up at the wheel on the wall behind the bar.
The Wheel had 6 segments on it:
Bonus Bottle
Free Spiked Ice (?)
Cash Back
Free Spin
And 2 Quits
He spun the wheel and it landed on ‘Cash Back’, I cheered loudly and punched my fist in the air. He then opened the till and gave me the money that I had just given him for my round of drinks. I trousered the dosh and walked back quickly to our table and said excitedly "when you buy a round of drinks, you have a chance of winning your money back or getting a free drink"
Soon everyone was at the bar, and they were spinning the wheel. It was great fun watching to see if they won a free round or a free drink. We were buying more drinks than we normally would do, so we were all soon completely and utterly shitfaced.

This Charming Man

I managed to regain some composure and I put on my best beer goggles. I got talking with Andre the shelf filler; it was difficult at first to understand her as she was Scottish. We found a quite (Scotch) corner and we got on like a house on fire and pretty I soon had my tongue down the back of her throat.
At 2am the club closed down. Being the gentleman I am, I walked her home, lucky for me she was staying in the same hotel as me.
She invited me into her room and I staid the night with her, making love for hours. At 8am she woke me up, telling me I had to leave as she had to go to work. I went upstairs to our room, Bails was sleeping like a log. I crashed out and fell into a deep sleep.

You Have been Evicted!

But it did not last, 30 minutes of shut-eye I was rudely awoken by the landlady crashing into the room. She shouted "you two, I want you dressed and out here, pronto!"
We enquired the reason for us to have to make such a sudden departure. She said “ask you idiotic friend"
We went downstairs and was refused breakfast. We exited the hotel. Blinking into harsh morning sun, I spotted Chaddy sitting on the car park wall, looking forlorn.
”What the fuck have you done?" we asked in unison.
Lifting his head up, he said sheepishly “When I arrived back from the club I could not find my key, so I banged on the door with my fists, but no one answered. I banged some more, when no one came I ripped out the wires on the wall that was connected to the outside light, the Light came crashing down on the ground and smashed into pieces. Then someone must have heard the noise and opened the door. I quickly sped past them and ran up to my room and I locked myself in". We both burst out laughing at his stupid antics. That was the thing with Chad, we he got bladdered he was capable of absolute mayhem, but in a good way.

Im a Pisshead, Get me out of here

We got a taxi to the hotel that Stretcho was staying at. Chad and bails booked a double room. I was not sure if I was going to stay for another night. I was feeling seriously hung over and a bit guilty of being unfaithful to Gaynor.
To be honest our relationship had been fading fast since I called off the wedding and sex had become the odd fumble around on a Saturday night and always with the lights off. I had just spent last night having the best sex ever so I was feeling quite good about my sexual prowess. So I had real mixed emotions.
They could not go to room until 12pm. So we walked into town and had a full English Breakie. Later we had a walk around the town ending up at the Pier.
Bangor has an incredibly long Pier, it reaches out across the Menai Strait towards Anglesey, and it was here that Bails opened up to me: "I am finished with England. It’s a shithole. This year I am going to sell my house, sell everything I own, uproot my family. I want to travel and seek my fortune. Its time to get out of Dodge City, before it’s too late."
"But where will you go?" I asked him
"Don’t worry me, I have many fingers in many pies" he said touching his beak of a nose.
I wished him good luck on his new life. I must admit I was envious of him; he had a goal, a vision and the balls to do something about it. I just wished I had some kind of plan to end my aimlessly life and go out there and grab the future with both hands.
Bails did indeed leave Blighty and he traveled to distance shores eventually settling on Barcelona. He found work there, learnt Spanish and embraced the Latin lifestyle. His marriage did not last and he split from his wife after a couple of years on the road. Last I heard from him he was living on the sunny isle of Palma and doing rather well. Well done the Bails!

Back Home

Back at the Hotel, Chad and Bails had gone for a Siesta in their room while I sat alone at the bar nursing a pint. Dog was hard at work and Mikey Boy and Stretcho was nowhere to seen. I was seriously thinking of jumping on a train and going home. I phoned Gaynor; she told me that she made plans for the night to go out with her friend Sandra. I checked out the train times at the Train Station and found that a one way ticket would set me back £20. So my mind was made up for me, I was staying. I would have to try and blagg Chad, and get him to let me crash out on their floor.

The Dynamic Duo

That Evening we was back in Patricks, knocking back the Bacardi Breezers (mine fav flavor was Melon). I made sure I was seated next to the Dog Man and the Stretch Man. They were by far the most exciting and interesting friends I had. A biggest pair of party animals that you would ever meet, in their company, you would be guaranteed a night of fun and high jinks.
Because of their super confident personalities they made friends easily and was always bringing new and interesting people in our group.
Most times when we were out in bars or clubs I would stand besides them and bask in their shiny happy glow. Dog was the Yang to Stretch’s Ying, they were Butch and Sundance, Batman and Robin and Laurel and Hardy all rolled into one unstoppable force of nature.

Top Bannana

Saturday night at ‘The Octagon’ was a much lower key affair. There was no 'Wheel of Fortune' (Fridays only)
I looked around at the half empty club and I spotted the Dog talking with Andrea, and I just knew that he was giving her the third degree about our night of passion.
Doggler could be an embarrassing bastard at times like this; I just hoped that I came up to scratch. I tried to relax and drink my 'Alco Pop' but I was keeping a watch on him out the Corner of eye. Then I saw him waving at me, so I turned around and he then raised his thumbs aloft, aww, bless her she must have gave me a glowing report.

The Boy Done Good

Come the end of the night and I ended up walking her home again (well it beats sleeping on the floor)
I was more sober this time, so I even put on a better performance than the previous night, I was man the match of yet again.
Scottish women are with doubt the most filthy, disgusting, degenerate bitches when you get them in the sack. I say this from my experience and from what friends have told me.
During our wild night of sex: I was mid-way through back scuttling her, when she moaned in pleasure and said in her sexy Scottish Brogue " Oh Kris, your cock is so big and hard, and if you keep fucking like this, I will come round the back of you and lick your arse" Needless to say I kept fucking her hard but I soon shot my duff and she never did get to put her tongue between my cheeks and lick (probably shitty) my arse.
No woman had said anything like this to me before or since.
The next morning I had to sneak out of the Hotel and make the long walk up the steep hill but I did not care I was feeling pleased with myself, the sun was shining I was happy. What a f*cking belter of a weekend.
When I got to the other hotel, I found Dog and Mikey in the Car-park, they informed that Bails and Chad had already gone home. So I got a lift with Mikey, Stretch and Doggler. I was sat in the back with the Dog and I said to him "So come on mate, tell all about what happened last Wednesday"
"Ok listen up Kris"

Bouncing Around

I had been working a bitch of night shift all week, so I arranged with some of my shop fitting mates to have a lunch-time drink on Wednesday.
I arrived at the pub at 12am, I had a good pub lunch and waited for my chums to turn but they failed to show. I got talking with some of the locals who turned out to be Doormen who worked the doors in and around North Wales. They were celebrating a birthday and apparently Wednesdays were the only day they could get off work at the same time. A couple of them were Mancs and they used to work on the door at Sanky Soaps in Ancoats. But it all went Pete Tonge for them when they refused entrance to a couple of wannabe gangsters earlier on in the night.
They returned at 2am with Shawn off shotguns and took pot shots at the bouncers. They had to hot foot it out of town and they were now laying low for awhile. That was Gunchester for you. I made a joke with I said "That reminds me of the last time I was in Sankys, I had a couple of shots and then I moved on to Shooters". They just looked at me stony faced and not a single titter was heard, that’s the trouble with bouncers, no sense of humor.
I played pool, taking them all on and beating them easily, soon the Boozer was packed with Doormen. I thought to myself "if it kicks off in here now, who’s going to break it up?"
I tagged along with them, going from bar to bar. In most of the bars, the drinks were on the house and in one bar we even had bottles of Champagne delivered to our tables.
It was as Haircut 100 sang in there fab 1981 hit single 'A Fantastic Day', I hardly spent a penny and needless to say I was absolutely steaming.
At around about 9ish the party was breaking up and the mob of Bouncers had dwindled to two or three. I decided it was time to head back to the digs. I was in no fit condition to go to work; I should have been half hour ago. (Not sure if that is the correct name for a group of Bouncers, any ideas anyone? What about a 'Dullard of Doormen' or a Brute of Bullies?)

Car Trouble

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I got back to the Digs, the rain was coming down in bucketfuls now, so I took shelter in my car and waited for someone to open the door. I smoked a spiff and then I zonked out, when I awoke it was 3am. I rubbed my eyes and massaged my stiff neck and then I saw a figure entering the Digs. I darted out of the Car, waving and shouting "hey Mate, keep that door open".
My room (broom cupboard) was situated in the attic above the third floor. To get to my room, you had to walk up a narrow spiral staircase at the end of the corridor. There was low beam in the middle of the stairs which I was constantly bumping my head on and tonight was not exception. I lay upon my bed, trying to chill out; I needed a joint but horrors upon horrors I had run out of cigarettes.
So I climbed out of bed and I went downstairs, this time remembering to take my key with me.
The all-night garage was only about 500 metres away but the rain was teeming down so I fired up the Granada 2 point 8 (Safire) and drove there. I collected my Superkings from the Asian at the serving hatch, climbed back in the car and gunned the engine.
What happened next is a bit of blur: I was speeding like formula 1 driver; I cornered a sharp bend and lost control and the car flipped out.
I hit at least four parked cars but somehow I ended up outside the Digs, I climbed gingerly out and checked the car it was a f**king right off. I then raced to the digs but I had to double back as I had left my fags in the car.

The Guns of Moston

I let myself back into the Digs and sped up the 3 flights of stairs, taking them 2 by 2, up the spiral staircase and then boom the lights went out, I was seeing stars.
I had forgotten about that f*cking low beam and I had knocked myself unconscious. I came around to a commotion on the ground floor, shit it was the Rozzers, I climbed the remaining steps and locked myself in my room.
I sat on the edge of my bed with a heart that raced ten to a dozen and my head throbbed so badly.
I listened with great intensity to the sound of sound of many size 12 boots becoming louder and louder as they marched up the stairs.
I was in a state of high anxiety; I was sweating like a like blind Lesbian in a fish shop, waiting for evitable pounding on my door.
I could hear there ‘Walkie Talkies’ crackling now in the corridor below, “anytime now” I thought to myself.
Then I heard an almighty crash, then a rumble of boots, and then silence.
My f*cked up mind was playing tricks with me in the darkness and it kept playing 'The Guns of Brixton' by the Clash but instead of Brixton it replaced it with Moston.

"When they kick out your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun

When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting in death row

You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Oh, Guns of Moston."

Fox in the Box

Then I heard a sound that was music to my ears, it was the sound of heavy footsteps descending the stairs. They were leaving, thank f*ck for that, I had done it, I had out-foxed the Police.
I waited awhile, making sure they gone and then I exited my room and investigate the corridor below. They had kicked down my mates Graham's door, poor guy he was going to in for a shock when he got home from a hard day's night’s graft.
I went back to my room; I then made a big fat joint and crashed out. I had so many crazy dreams of Keystone Kops chasing me down never ending corridors.

I fought the Law and the Law won

A loud rasping knocking sound awoke me from my fitful slumber and guff voice demanded "open up its the Police"
I glance at my travel alarm clock it read 8.05am. I pulled on my jeans, stashed my weed and opened the door to the law.
After an opening gambit of asking me probing questions about my car, they then instructed me to take a breathe alizer test. I was lucky it was just under the limit but they had me bang to rights on leaving the scene of an accident.

At 9.15pm, they had on me CTTV staggering around Bangor high street.
At 3.27am they me on Camera at the all night garage buying my Superkings.
At 3.30 I was spotted by a witness racing from my car to the hotel.
At 3.35 The police found my beloved wrote off Granada 2.8 Safire.

They did not arrest me there and then but merely instructed me to turn myself into the local Police station.
I strode in the Local nick at 11am they then interviewed me and a signed a statement and they let me go.

"What about your mate's door" I asked him
"I smoothed things over at the digs and I repaired his down, after all I am Joiner"
"What’s going to happened now" I inquired
”Well I have to get a new car and then I will return to Bangor for an appearance in court.
Before that I have speeding fine that I will have to plead guilty to, and that will put 3 points on license, with the 8 I will get from leaving the scene of the accident that will put me on the max points that I can have on my license without losing it. So fingers crossed, all should be well."
Dog was always the Eternal optimism, nothing ever seemed to faze him ever.

Up before the Beak

One month later I walked into the 'Ben', it was a Friday afternoon and spied Doggler and Mikey speaking in hush tones in the corner.
"I strode over to them and said "Whoa Dog Man what’s the word on the street?"
"The word or the words on the street are that I have just got back from Bangor Court"
" Oh right, So what happened I asked eagerly"
”Get the beers in and I will tell you" he said giving nothing away.
I came back from the bar with 3 Bacardi Breezers (2 lemon and 1 melon flavor) I sat back and chilled as he narrated the day's events:
I cajoled Mikey into driving me there as there was a chance I would be coming back without a license. The week before I had sent my license off to Trafford Police Station to put the points on my license and asked them to forward it on to Bangor magistrates.
At the Court I was totally dismayed to find the bastards from Trafford had put 6 points on my license, shit, shit, shit f*cking shit. It was nailed on now that I was going to get 8 points from the Judge and that meant 'bye bye license.
I stood in the dock and the verdict came in, and just had I feared, I got 8 points.
I had one last roll of the dice left. I cleared my throat and said "You honor may I speak?" he nodded at me and said "Please do"

Sob Story

”Your honor, I am from Moston which is a depraved area of Manchester. It has 80%!u(MISSING)nemployment and sky high crime rate. I am a good and decent man; I have a wife and 4 children and a 3 month baby. Now you have given me those 8 points, I have now lost my license with means no car no job and no prospects. I have zero chance of finding any local work. This means I will have to claim benefits and become a burden on the welfare state.
What happened on that fateful night was a moment of weakness which I sincerely apologize for. So please you honor I am asking, no I not asking you, I am begging you, if you could show some compassion and only give me 5 points.

Judgement Day

The Judge seemed moved by my impassioned performance. He called the prosecutor over to him and they had a hushed conversation which seemed to last an age.
Then he smiled and said "Due to mitigating circumstances I am going to show leniency and give you 5 points only"
I had trouble restraining myself from Jumping for Joy. The Judge continued "You will have to pay £320 fine, case dismissed"
Outside court, I high fived with Mikey and he congratulated me on my 'Oscar' winning Performance.
I told him "Dog, you one Jammy bastard"
He just smiled at me and said "every Dog has his day and this Dog has just had a f*cking tremendous day"

---

Photos

At the Hotel
Happy Days at the Hotel Before it all went Pete Tonge

Team Moston
Crazy Crazy Night....

Wheel of Fortune
Spin the Wheel

Disco
Havin it Large..Come on!

Me and Bails at Pier
"There is a Future out there somewhere".....

Bangor
The Longest Pier in the world...Probably

In Patricks
Oh those Lovely Bacadi Breezers...yum yum

Disco2
Notice the Dog far right giving Andrea a Grilling....

Bails and Stretch
Two Stunners from Bangor

Comments

[doggler]

bags of fun in bangor
didn't we have a tremendous time the day we went to Bangor. another great story.....you missed your calling.....you journo