Time to be honest and finally progressing

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I mentioned how happy but un-perfect our relationship was before and that it's been heartbreaking and emotional, the reason was that I've been keeping a secret. One that I'd been ashamed of since May. I'd been very low in confidence in myself for a long time for the past year before 2014 arrived and when it did and I turned 18 in March nothing really was changing in my life and I had nothing to look forward to, my assignments were done half heartedly and no where in my wildest dreams had I imagined I'd get an overall distinction.

Then I meet my boyfriend online, a month after we meet he told me he loved me. It had come as such a shock that someone would say that to me, I thought he had the wrong meaning and that he just liked me a lot like suki as oppose to daisuki and aishiteru. So we got together pretty quickly though we weren't entirely committed, not on my end anyway. I still wasn't sure what he was thinking at the time then but back then I took advantage of having him saying nice things to me and making me feel human and worthy again.

So I went on holiday, I didn't really want to go as it was just going to be drinking and partying with people on the course I wasn't too sure of. But then something miraculous happened, boys were starting to notice me including a man. And I ended up getting with him just for a brief few minutes, we talked and then he invited me for a drink when he asked if he could kiss me- I wasn't that particularly drunk after all that partying with guys and meeting new people, I was stunned. With only a second's thought I said ok, my first kiss- a 25 year old from Nepal working at a bartender in Portugal.

My tutor caught us before anything more could happen but I went home with a smile on my face- I loved the intimacy and the feeling.

Two days later we returned to the town and I went straight back, he remembered me- gave me a free drink and then we kissed some more, and more!! Then suddenly out of no where I remembered my supposed boyfriend whilst he was whispering things in my ear- something along the lines of you're so different from the rest, I want to get to know you more . . .

But all I could think of was the boy sitting at home worried about me, he'd sent me messages asking if I was safe so I pushed away and said good night. The bloke who had similar eyes to my boyfriend looked shocked that I wasn't up for sex and I said no, kissed him goodbye and was off.

I returned home, my friends were disgusted that I could do that and not feel ashamed- deep down I was, but my argument was that I'd never even met him. But I told him what happened anyway, I don't know why but I think I was testing my boyfriend to see to what extent he loved me and it turned out he really did.

After a while he started voicing his thoughts about the situation- this lead to months of explaining to him nothing bad happened, I wasn't interested in him anymore. Some how after each argument we had I managed to sweet talk my way out of breaking up- then came the massive argument in August which lead him to snap out of it, until yesterday his jealousy resurfaced when he saw another Japanese guy start liking my statuses on FaceBook.

I also got to release some steam too because sometimes he can act odd which infuriates me and I needed to shout and so I did to get through to him, I never shout, but I did because I loved him and I wanted him to understand why I was annoyed myself- I was sick of his jealousy and grudge that I wanted it out on the table then and there and so he did.

It only hit me a few months ago that I realised how much of an impact I'd made on his life in the past 7 months we'd been together, I was horrified I was capable of breaking his heart without fully understanding it. Now I've tried for months new ways of mending it so I thought it was time we talked about the past whether he liked it or not and we communicated on both ends- it took a lot of poking but we got there eventually. I was tired of holding it over my shoulders that I knew he still hadn't properly forgiven me.

Sometimes I worry that he'll one day decide I'm not worth it anymore- mainly because he has every right too.

So now we have come to a revelation- we talked about past ghosts, my horrible mistake and what we're going to do to sort it out. I answered a few of his unasked questions and finally explained why I did it- at the time I didn't realise I loved him because if it hadn't have happened I don't think I could've gone through with our relationship as we are now, especially if we hadn't met. Before I knew it he was crying an apologising to me for his jealousy which is one trait I cannot stand towards anyone. And before I knew it he was telling me how much he loved me and wanted a future together.

But in between of these bad times was also happiness on both sides, he showed me his exam results which have increased especially in his weaker subjects which is the same story for me.

I've mentioned to a few people at college about what I did and we both agreed I need a big smack.

The moral of the story: communication. Don't leave your feelings hidden until it's too late otherwise neither of you can move on.

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