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Published: August 9th 2007
Me and a Jag
Now I just have to get one! Let us begin with a touch of gloaty gloaty goodness. You may recall, if you have followed this little missive of mine with some care, that I complained some months ago about having to drive a people mover to Manchester (and getting a weekend in Brighton out of it). The reason, of course, was that the company couldn't find me a car. I have been to Manchester again recently and this time they found me a car. The car I was denied the first time I had to go up there. I can tell you all that driving a Jaguar Estate on English motorways is bliss. All that power, quick response and a smooth ride made for a very pleasant trip up. Even sitting in traffic sucks less when you're in a Jag. And, to top it all off, it only cost $135 NZ to fill the tank. Only.....so maybe, just maybe, Jen may get her wish to own a Jag. I'd buy one now. 😊
However! The trip down was even better! I got told last time I didn't get the Jag (by some of Jen's workmates) that I should drive back
from Manchester along the M6 Toll Road around Birmingham. It seemed like a bit of a waste of money but having had a warning coming south that it was going to take me at least an hour to drive from one side of Birmingham to the other, I decided to have a go. Much nicer than the proper M6.
So anyway, onto a touristy adventures update. Be warned - this is my photoy-est blog entry ever. There are nearly 50 pictures! I've rambled as much as I can to get them all on one page but even I have my limits. There are some things even I can't talk forever about.....! I realise it's been a while since I last posted something interesting and I hate to say that I think as a result I may have gone overboard with this one. However, I am attempting to do this with some regularity as Jen and I have a very full calendar over the next few months. So hopefully, all going according to plan, there should be a few more of these at the end of each of the coming months before we hit the road big time.....more on that
Baron Whojummywhatsit
One of the two Red Knights later....!
The first photo here is quite clearly me and the Jag (*Gloat Gloat*) but you can also see some excellent photos of men on horses. These were some of the "Knights of England" who jousted for our entertainment at Blenheim Palace over the first Bank Holiday in May. I'll not go on my bank holiday rant quite yet, I'll save that till the end of August for my "England England Everywhere and not a drop to drink" blog. I have to say that seeing these men just mucking around with their lances on horseback makes one realise how utterly frightening a charging formation of heavy cavalry must have been 600 years ago. I get ahead of myself however. As it turns out, it
Close up of the other Blue Knight
Glorious!was a lovely morning and we walked up to Blenheim from home. It was a pleasant 5 mile walk in the country for the most part. Blenheim was much more spectacular than the first time we went, with all its trees and gardens in bloom.
The jousting was a real laugh, part seriously trying to unhorse the other bloke, part WWF style silliness. The horsemen were clearly
very competent and despite one bloke sailing off the back of his horse right from the get go; no one else managed that feat over the course of the afternoon. They also showed off their skills with the spinny-make-sure-it-doesn't-hit-you-in-the-back-of-the-head-as-you-go-past-jobby as well as catching thrown rings on the end of an 8 foot lance at the gallop. Not bad! While watching the jousting I also achieved another couple of gastronomic firsts - Branston Pickle, which is not bad, particularly in a ploughman’s and Pimms. Now, I think Pimms rates as possibly the most ridiculous name for a drink that may exist anywhere in the world. On the other hand, with lemonade and chunks of orange and pineapple, it tastes brilliant. A bit girly, but no worse than Montheiths Summer. I remain less than convinced by the cucumber, particularly as the smell of that particular beastie is one I really can't stand. All in all, a quality day out in the style of the English gentlefolk of old. What's not to love?
That same weekend, we also had the unique pleasure of watching the Eurovision Song Contest. This most bizarre of European institutions has been marred in recent years by allegations
Humboldt's Penguin
We were that close! of political voting and protests over the inclusion of some acts, most notably last years winners Lordi. (who are really quite good, and definitely worth checking out if you've not heard anything of theirs. I can really recommend Blood Red Sandman as an excellent track and seriously freaky video!) The whole show is just the logical extension of all that European Variety Show awfulness but somehow it was perhaps the most engaging television I've watched in ages. Jen and the flatties and I had a great deal to say about so much of the music that was performed. While none of us were particularly keen on the Serbian winners (preferring the Ukrainian entry) we all agreed it was definitely one of the better songs.
Things I learned from watching the Eurovision Song Contest:
1. There is no logic to the whole thing. The Ukrainian drag queen was quite simply astonishing.
2. Terry Wogan is an ass. Pure and simple.
3. Big band sounds really bizarre sung in German.
4. The French entry (Les Fatales Picard) was by far and away the best. They are a French version of the Barenaked Ladies and are very good.
Meerkat Riot
Playfighting....we hoped! 5. Ukrainian transvestites for the win! Check out Verda Serduchka on Youtube! The Swedes (glam rockers The Ark), the Hungarians (Magdi Rusza's Unsubstantial Blues) and the Romanians (the classically Eurovision Todomondi) are also worth seeing on Youtube.
6. Wogan thought the French were dreadful - compare them with the UK entry - Flying the Flag by Scooch - and see if you agree. In fact, check out any of the potential UK entries. Not good.
7. Apparently singing in 15 languages is a good thing....?
8. Terry Wogan is really an ass. Really.
9. Oh, and the Irish....how could they come last?
"If music be the food of love, play on....." begins Orsino's opening soliloquy from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Jen and I had the singular pleasure of seeing one of the best performances of Shakespeare we've ever been to. It rivalled the Royal Shakespeare in the quality staging, acting and casting. It was put on by a group called Propeller, an all-male Shakespeare troupe whose performance had the audience in stitches from the get-go.
Twelfth Night has a fairly shaky plot and it seems as if the jokes were written and
Prarie Dog
Never seen one of these little beasties. Very very cute. then circumstances contrived to give it some fairly ridiculous credence. However, aside from Viola's assertion that she will disguise herself as a man and work for the Duke Orsino of Illyria and Sebastien's mysterious explanation for going to Orsino's court, the story is a fantastic collection of drunken revelry, bizarre pranks and the hilarity (and consequences) of a frankly incredible case of mistaken identity. Viola (now known as Cesario) has fallen in love with Orsino, who in turn is in love with Olivia, a recently bereaved countess, who has fallen in love with Cesario after he has been to her to deliver messages of Orsino's affection. In the background, Olivia's uncle Sir Tobey Belch and his friend the knight, Sir Andrew Ague-Cheek conspire with Mariah, Olivia's handmaid, to prank Malvolio, Olivia's steward. The performance itself was notable for the performance of several of the cast. Feste, the fool, (and the only Yorkshireman in a cast of very nobby Englishers) was brilliantly played as a Chaplin-esque fiddler with a stunning voice whose hat was constantly out for coin from his fellow players. Perhaps my favourite quote:
Cesario: Dost thou live by thy music, friend?
Feste: No, sir, I live by the
Mongoose
Mongooses? Mongeese? church.
Cesario: Art thou a churchman?
Feste: No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.
Sir Tobey Belch and Sir Andrew Ague-Cheek are the comic relief of the play. Tobey's part was played with an incredible skill, as he suffers from varying degrees of drunkenness for the best part of the play. From slipping on his own vomit at one point to downing trou with Sir Andrew to shock Mariah, Tobey played the funny short man perfectly. Sir Andrew, played by a bloke who looked awfully familiar to Jen and I, was an excellent foil for Sir Tobey as he was dragged along in Tobey's bizarre revels. In the end, Tobey convinces Andrew that he should fight Cesario for Olivia's affections and seeing a man bouncing around a stage in bow tie, tails, gloves, boxing shorts and boxer’s boots was brilliant. In the end he and Tobey get a right beating from Antonio and Sebastien and emerge bloodied and bruised to gaze upon the bizarre spectacle of mistaken identity.
Perhaps now a word about the women in the play. Viola was
Demon Monkey
Or a Pygmy Marmoset, the demon furball monkey. played by a bloke in a suit who talked with a slightly campy voice and acted in a slightly foppish manner. Nothing unexpected from a man dressed as a woman disguised as a man. However Mariah and Olivia really had to be seen! Mariah was a short, stocky block with a pockmarked face and a number one. Complement this with a pencil skirt and singlet and bright blue eyeshadow, ye gods. She wouldn't have looked out of place in the All Black scrum! The gin soaked voice and "oh you...!" made for a very entertaining performance. Olivia on the other hand was a woman in the style of Eddie Izzard, Julian Clary and Hugo Weaving (in Priscilla). Despite the blue eyeshadow and elbow length gloves, the performance was sparkling and very funny.
Sebastien's speech having slept with Olivia was particularly amusing. Why? Well, this interpretation of the script played up to the appalling sexual innuendo which was made all the worse by our conceptions of men who wear dresses. After all, a manly man in a dress who talks in a campy fashion is funny and the implications of Tobey's advances on Mariah were not lost on the audience.
Kea
In an English zoo! Perhaps, to explain the peculiar sexual mores that were being lampooned, I shall speak of Malvolio. This is the character who utters those famous words "Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them." He is pranked by Mariah, Tobey, Andrew and Feste into believing that Olivia is in love with him. They pen a letter in which "Olivia" asks him to dress in yellow tights (a colour she abhors), cross gartered (a fashion she detests) and to smile a lot, which would be excruciating for a women so bereaved. Malvolio achieved the unique distinction of having the audience hoot with laughter and recoil in disgust at the same time as he emerged on stage in his customary pinstriped suit, before whipping off his pants in the manner of a man who does so for a living to reveal yellow tights, fishnet stockings and a studded leather banana hammock. His somewhat portly physique made it all the more entertaining! In the end, after he is driven mad by Feste, he is returned to the stage dishevelled and dirty, his yellow tights running from top to bottom and fishnets torn (and banana hammock firmly in place,
Giant Hornbill
The God of Evolution having another joke? thank goodness!) for the Duke Orsino to ask "Is this the madman?" and get one of the biggest laughs of the night!
Perhaps the play, and this performance, is best summed up by Feste who said:
"If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction." We loved it, and if anyone ever gets the chance to see Propeller, then do, as they are a group of incredibly talented men with a real passion for bringing humour and silliness to some of Shakespeare's best comedy.
So, to the second bank holiday in May. Of course, it's never as easy as all that and while last week England sweltered in the mid-twenties, it all went rapidly wrong come late Saturday afternoon. And then the sun came out again this morning. Proof indeed that someone is having a laugh. The English moaned, and still went camping. 😊 And to top it all off, they won the cricket and they're crowing, every last one of them.....
Every so often you see something that makes you ask a really pertinent question or two. Saturday morning offered this little gem: What business does a white rhino
English Zoology
Boobook. Yeah, that's how it goes. Boobook indeed! have being on the lawn of an English country home? This in turn led to me whistling a wee refrain of "How many zebras grazing can you find in an English country garden?" which all seemed very silly at the time. All bizarreness aside, the Cotswald Wildlife Park in Burford is one of the most interesting and eclectic collections of animals I have ever seen! It holds many of the staples of zoos and wildlife parks everywhere - Emus, gibbons and meerkats for example - but Burford also has some exhibits I've not seen before and will not see again for a while.
While the poor weather and lower temperatures didn't encourage the big cats or timberwolves to action, there were other highlights amongst the animals. The penguins were the first thing we came across one could have reached out and touched them if we'd wanted to. The same applied to the meerkats, prairie dogs and mongooses. Mongeese. However you say that. I've never seen a mongoose before and they were really quite cute, belting around their enclosure without any real sense of purpose. They do have slightly creepy eyes though, almost catlike, but with a horizontal pupil. It's
Tortoise
Or is it a tiger? a little unsettling. There were many simian species including two that Jen and I christened the Demon Monkey and the Gremlin Monkey. The Pygmy Marmoset you can see here was just a cute little ball of fluff with a tail and he wouldn't look at the camera for more than about 2 seconds at a time. In the enclosure next door was the Red Handed Marmoset that looked like a Gremlin. They wouldn't stay still long enough to get a decent picture, but the resemblance to the little grey fuzzballs from the film was a little alarming!
The reptile and insect houses were quite disturbing. The bugs were impressive (except the Indian stick insect - we couldn't find it!) but the giant African land snails (11 inch shells!), a couple of gorgeous tarantulas, a salmon pink goliath bird eater (doesn't it sound cute) and the fantastic butterfly you can see here were the highlights. Its eyes are quite amazing; I've never seen anything up quite that close before. I still don't like hissing cockroaches. Still. The reptiles were almost as bad! Mostly they're all harmless and the snakes weren't so big as to be intimidating. The iguanas, yellow dart
Flutterby
About the size of your hand! frogs and the crocs were rather good, but the whole thing was topped off by two enormous snakes. The Green Anaconda was around 9 metres long and about 20 centimetres in diameter. Not a small animal by any stretch. It looked quite menacing sitting in its pool of water. It would, of course, be quite invisible swimming in the Amazon.... However, this beastie was dwarfed by the Reticulated Python next door. That was a good two metres longer, had a diameter larger than a dinner plate and a head that was about as big. This thing was huge. Ick. Impressive and yet highly disturbing. We retired into the sunshine to watch a tortoise race instead. No, seriously, it seemed as if when we arrived they were all going for a wander. Race might be stretching it slightly, but they moved a darn sight quicker than I have ever been led to believe!
On a lighter note (yep, lighter than even that!) check out the photo of the Bactrian Camel! There were four of these and my goodness, you could smell them long before you even got close enough to see the beasties. It’s such a peculiar smell, camel. Anyway,
Jen!
And cute little ponies. as they’re currently shedding the winter coat necessary for Bactria (that’s in the modern Turkey and Afghanistan type area) and Britain and looked like the scruffiest of scruffs. Even at my roughest, I don’t look quite that bad! On the other hand, you can also see a photo here of an English giant rabbit. Now, I came upon these in a succession of enclosures - the common rabbit, the Dutch (I'm hiding and you can't see me) rabbit, the Lop eared (how cute am I? No really, how cute?) rabbit and finally these. Nothing prepares you to see a rabbit that is complete in it's rabbitness, just twice as big. This whole place got Jennifer musing on the possibility of apartment bunnies. Oh dear.
The park even has a kiwi connection or two. The Kea were brilliant, very entertaining and noisy as well as having (you knew I was going to do it) beautiful plumage! The owl aviary also had the sign you can see here somewhere discussing the Southern Boobook Owl. I'll leave you to form your own opinions about this appalling and despicable piece of English taxonomy. Boobook indeed. The most disturbing kiwi moment was actually in
Bunnies
These were about the size of a small dog and they were terribly cute. the petting zoo bit of the park (see photo of Jen and Shetland ponies!) where in a barn mostly populated with assorted bunnies and guinea pigs was a stonking smelly snoring kunekune. Slightly out of place..... 😊
I'm told that from a development perspective, the Pembroke College Garden Party is not the greatest of events. It's an afternoon where a number of people who are mostly, like me, only tangentially connected to the college - parents, friends and relatives mostly. There were some alumni there, but mostly just random people. I spent the couple of hours we were there hanging out with Jen's workmates and avoiding talking to anyone who might be important. I think Jen said Roger Bannister was there (he was master of the College in the 70s) but
otherwise I had a couple of glasses of cava, some excellent sandwiches and lemon cake that was to die for! We stood in the rapidly fading sunshine, listened to some excellent jazz and just soaked up the atmosphere. We did have a few laughs at Giles (the current master) and his appalling dress sense and his (it shouldn't have been) improvised speech. Sadly, we were too late
White Rhino
A lazy sod and a white rhino. to the food to get any of the famous Pembroke eclairs, since the other 500 people there scarfed all those. They left plenty of other food, just not the eclairs. Typical! Altogether a pleasant afternoon though. We declined, in light of the rapidly deteriorating weather to watch the rowing on the river - a decision well made in the end.
Sunday dawned, as rainy and miserable as Saturday had ended and we leapt in the car for a remarkably short drive down to Hampton Court Palace. I had some grand ideas about seeing Windsor as well, but Hampton Court had more than enough to keep us occupied for the day as it turned out and Windsor's not quite so much fun if you can't go and look down on it from the so we've decided that Windsor can wait. It's not so far from Oxford that we couldn't just take the train down.
So anyway, Hampton Court Palace. The building itself is an incredible structure. I might rail on modern English urban architecture and it's obsession with building in brick, but Hampton Court is proof that it can be done on a grand scale and done very very
well. The Palace was acquired (read: stolen) from the revoltingly corpulent Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (or Woolsey, depending.....!) when he stumbled during the complex international politics surrounding the annulment of Henry VIIIs marriage to Catherine of Aragon. Originally it was to be Wolsey's residence, a palace built in the Italian style, fit for a Prince of the Church. The many ceramic busts of prominent Romans are a lasting testimony to Wolsey's questionable taste. When Henry got hold of it he built himself a magnificent great hall and suite of apartments (these were demolished in the 1600s) above a kitchen complex that was large enough to feed at least 600 people on a daily basis. Astonishingly, despite some modifications, these Tudor kitchens are still operational. Now, each day, a number of what the guides call "Experimental Food Historians" come to work each day and cook using Tudor ingredients, tools and methods and try to nut out the intricacies of how these people could cook that much food on a daily basis. It does sound a little silly, but by all accounts they've discovered and deciphered some interesting material, like debunking the myth that spit turning was a job left to small children
Bactrian Dromedaries
The scruffiest camels ever! - that kitchen had four fires which would have been stacked six feet high with burning wood to cook up to eight spits each. Keeping your bodyweight in meat constantly turning is no job for kiddies!
The Chapel Royal stood under what would have once been Henry's private apartments. All that remains of the original Tudor chapel is the fan vaulted ceiling, the rest of the chapel was redecorated by that most officious exterminator of Tudor loveliness, Mary II. Having said that, it's still stunning, decorated in royal blue, red damask and gilt edged finery. It has a small, but excellent sounding pipe organ that played us in and out of the chapel. It is, perhaps, a strange mixture of styles of architecture, this Baroque chapel under a Tudor ceiling and yet still a Protestant house of worship, despite all its obvious excess.
Henry's meeting hall is quite magnificent and is lit by some incredible stained glass. The glass is, not surprisingly, more modern than the Tudor building in which it stands. I did wonder about that for a while, but when it started mentioning wives that Henry hadn't had when the thing was built I concluded that
Eagle!
A proper bird of prey. they were most likely added during the Victorian restoration of Hampton Court before it was opened to the public in 1898. I can't confirm this of course, it's pure speculation. Anyway, back to the hall. It's walls are still hung with the original tapestries, woven in Flanders in gold and silver thread. These hangings, depicting the life and times of Abraham, were part of a carefully calculated scheme to impress. Henry would not have met people in this room, this was the way people came to access his apartments and where his many staffers and palace residents would take their meals. It also held direct access to the "Watching Chamber" where the Yeomen of the Guard would stand outside the door to Henry's rooms making sure no one got in. It was also where the Guardsmen made their home. One can only imagine the stench. Ahhhh the late middle ages. What's not to love?
It was in this Watching Chamber that we came across Henry VIII himself holding court with Sir Francis Bryan and his page, John Norris where the King was telling the assembled multitudes about the parlous state of the nation of England and his troubles with
Hampton Court
From the Tudor end. his wife and his lack of a son. Henry took questions from the court and was asked about whether or not he thought Anne Boleyn was "comely." He, of course, answered in the affirmative and asked Francis Bryan for his opinion. Bearing in mind that Bryan was Anne Boleyn's uncle, he noted that her having spent time in France had led her to have acquired French deportment and a taste for French fashions. This elicited a certain amount of nodding from the King, at which point Bryan was left to explain that French necklines were wont to display Anne's "duckies" to their best effect. Hilarity ensued as the adults all hooted with laughter and the kids all looked very blank, fortunately. Henry departed the hall not long after as did Jen and I to the Long Gallery where we had to make way for her majesty, Queen Catherine, her ladies in waiting and Anne Boleyn and her duckies. Upon returning to the hall some time later, we found Sir (later Saint) Thomas More, Thomas Cromwell and the portly, loud and arrogant Wolsey discussing whether or not Henry's marriage was illegal and whether Pope Julius was wrong to allow Henry to
Gate Guardians One and Two
The Lion and the Greyhound. marry his brother's wife. As they schemed ways to prevent Henry engaging with Anne Boleyn and advancing a perceived Howard plot to take the throne, Henry appeared with Bryan and convened the audience as members of his Privy Council, putting Wolsey firmly in his place.
These little plays were put on by a small troupe of actors outlining the events that occurred around the mid 1520s when Henry took control of the Palace from Wolsey and moved in. Their skills were quite considerable and the roles of Henry, Catherine and Wolsey were superbly played. They were all very talented and had to work very hard to improvise their discussions whilst remaining in character. I know Henry caught himself a couple of times saying Britain and meaning England. I'm sure that this is a kinder, gentler Henry VIII rather than the overweight, lecherous philanderer that we know and love - after all, can you imagine how the real Henry would have responded to being asked by a 5 year old if he had any pets? At least our Henry could launch into a discussion of his love of horses and hounds, without mentioning to the small child precisely what he
Gate Guardian Three
TROGDOR! The Dagron! used them for!
Now, before I go any further, that Long Gallery mentioned above is said to be haunted by the ghost of Catherine Howard who is believed to have run screaming down the hallway for Henry to save her from the men who were taking her to be executed. It is also rumoured that Jane Seymour, Henry's first wife, is said to haunt one of the courtyards. She died in childbirth at Hampton Court, giving birth to Prince Edward (later Edward VI). There is supposed photographic proof of a ghost - have a look at this. Creepy?!
Anyway, on to less sombre things. When William III and Mary II arrived from the Netherlands in the 1680s, they decided that Hampton Court would be their
residence outside of town in London and commissioned none other than one of the greatest English architects to design a new part of the palace that was more in keeping with the fashions of the day. Sir Christopher Wren did some of the work and a number of Henry's constructions were demolished to make way for the new Baroque wing, built around a square courtyard replete with fountain and oil lamps.
Much
of the Baroque palace is closed off, but one is able to view the Queen's apartments, that looked out over the formal gardens. These are.....well.....frankly a bit hideous. They were painted with slightly garish Renaissance-esque frescoes to complement the overly rich red damask furnishings. In fact, a significant proportion of the frescoes were covered with dark green wall hangings for the best part of the last 250 years as they were so disliked. I must confess I was inclined to agree. I was impressed by the scale and the technical mastery of the work, but they were a bit loud. The view though, was wonderful with the formal garden to the west, and the open parklands to the south.
Bizarrely, not 10 years ago, the formal gardens at Hampton Court were completely overgrown. They had simply been left to go wild and looked nothing like they do today. It was decided to restore them to their Baroque glory and all the plant life was cleared to make way for the archaeologists! It turns out that it is actually possible for an archaeologist to find buried flowerbeds! The arbour was restored, as well as the mounds surrounding the garden and
Clock Court
The Clock Court Clock. Not that I could read it! by paying close attention to period artwork the gardening staff at Hampton Court have recreated this magnificent formal garden. The topiary, sunken gardens and plantings combine in a glorious geometry which appeals to well to obsessives like me! Much of the rest of the park, including the oddly named Long Water, is the work of that infamous designer Bloody Stupid Johnson. No, wait, that's not right. It was Lancelot "Capability" Brown. Frankly. if my first name were Lancelot, I'd let people call me Capability as well. The open grounds surrounding the palace and running along the Thames are immediately obvious as his work and they do him a great deal of credit. It's beautifully laid out and I'm sure it's wonderful on a fine day.
With the departure of William and Mary, the palace was taken over by George II and his wife Queen Caroline, who undertook further refurbishment of the Tudor buildings in particular. When George died and was succeeded by George III, Hampton Court ceased to be a royal residence and a large part of the Baroque wing of the palace was given over to "Grace and Favour" apartments. These were residences for long serving royal servants,
Fish Lane
The Tudor Fridge - and designed that way. important personages, military widows and others, who were given a few converted rooms in the palace and allowed to live on site at the grace and favour of the reigning monarch. The last resident left in the mid 1990s (astonishingly!) but in the meantime they have housed, among others, Olave Baden-Powell and Samuel Parkes (who won the VC at Balaclava during the Charge of the Light Brigade.) The rooms have now been stripped back to their bare floorboards, but instead have become something of a repository of audio and visual memories of a number of the residents. It was quite an interesting thing to see and to experience. It must have been a strange life, living amongst the outrageous excess of the palace whilst struggling along on meagre income especially amongst the tourists!
Two of Hampton Court's other attractions include the oldest hedge maze (which we successfully negotiated) in the world and, more interestingly, Henry's "Real Tennis" court. None of this airy fairy Lawn Tennis nonsense. This is pure, unadulterated, tennis. Henry himself played here from 1528, as did all the other monarchs who resided at Hampton Court, each adding improvements to keep the court playable. It is still
The Baroque Frontage
So completely out of place it's not funny! home to an active club who regularly play the much more confusing game. We watched a bit of it, and despite the rules being printed on the wall, I was completely stumped. It does look like a whole heck of a lot of fun - playing tennis on a squash court with badminton racquets. What a hoot!
A last note about Hampton Court must go to a magnificent painting called The Triumphs of Caesar by Andrea Mantegna. This was acquired by Charles II from the collection of the Duke of Mantua. It is now housed in the Lower Orangery, originally built for Mary II, and decorated to recreate the original setting of the painting. Vasari described it as "the best thing Mantegna ever painted." The series depicts Caesar on a triumphal chariot returning from his successful campaigns, in a procession of Roman soldiers, standard-bearers, musicians and the spoils of war including an assortment of booty (including arms, intricate sculpture and gold vases), exotic animals and captives. These paintings celebrate two of Julius Caesar's great campaigns - his victories in Gaul and Pontus (in Asia Minor). It is quite a stunning series of canvasses, around 20 metres in length with
The Baroque Courtyard
Complete with fountain and actual oil lamps. each canvas depicting another part of the procession. It was a joy to look at the paintings individually, and then retire and wander the length of the room, enjoying it as a single entity. It's completely out of place there but it's a magnificent work showing off Mantegna's technical skill and mastery of perspective in particular.
Now, on to less serious matters. On Bank Holiday Monday Jen had to work, so I did the biggest boy thing I've been wanting to do since we got to the UK. I got in the car and drove for two and a half hours in the rain to Dorset to visit the coolest museum in the entire world at Bovington Camp. The Tank Museum is probably the best, and certainly the most significant, collection of armour anywhere in the world. Not only does Bovington have examples of the earliest manufacture of armoured vehicles, it traces their development all the way forward to the current state of the art British main battle tank. It has a number of completely unique exhibits, mostly prototype and developmental models, but also can claim the only running Panzerkampfwagen V Tiger I in the world, the last remaining
Capability Brown strikes again!
The truly incredible formal garden. D-Day Sherman DD (dual drive - it's an amphibious tank with screws!) and the Whippet - the first real "Tank" as we've come to know them.
I must beg your forgiveness for the next bit, I'm going to spout names and designations that will mean something to a few people reading this, and almost nothing to the rest of you! 😊 A brief description, then, of some of the exhibit. The World War I hall contained some very peculiar vehicles. World War I tanks, with their all round tracks and sponsons, look so unlike what we've come to know as a tank that they retain a real fascination for me. Bovington has an extensive collection with examples of both Male and Female tanks (if you want to know, I'll explain it) from the Mark IV through to the Mark IX. A couple of these tanks had been restored to a point where one could actually climb inside and get a feeling for what driving one of these things would have been like. Even some of the kids who were looking around were squeezing in. It was indeed a tight fit, made worse by having the engine in the centre
Losted!
Jen and the Amazing Maze. of the hull. The noise must have been deafening, coupled with the machine guns and mortars of a battlefield in northern France. And yet they changed the course of modern warfare. Also contained in that hall were some of the designs, like the FT-17, being promulgated between the wars as well as the first British expeditions into armoured cars - the Rolls Royce and the Lanchester, not the greatest designs, but very effective for their day.
The World War II hall is by far and away the pride of the collection and Bovington boasts an almost full complement of German and British vehicles from the war, as well as examples of Soviet, Italian and American engineering. The German collection contains an example of every Panzer, from I - IV, Panther, Tiger, Tiger II, Hetzer, JagdPanther and a Jagdtiger as well as an SdKfz 234/4 armoured car and a Panzer II L recce tank. Amazingly, a number of these are still in running order. I remain amazed at how big some of them are. In some respects, I expect a modern tank to be big and the Tiger I is smaller than most, but it still surprises me in the
The Rose Garden
Can you imagine the smell? It was gorgeous in the rain. same way I see the size of the Italian M13/40 (a supposed medium tank) and can't help but be impressed at the courage of men who would ride into battle in something that was dwarfed by the British Grants and Churchills. The British collection begins with the early war flirtations with the A9, 10 and 13 and the Matilda I (possibly one of the more bizarre things I've seen!) and travels through the Crusader to reach the Cromwell, Comet and the Sherman Firefly. Other highlights? The Japanese Type-95 Ha Go, a Soviet T-26 captured by the Finns during the Winter War of 1940, an Italian L3/33 tankette (that's smaller than some cars I've driven!) and the British Black Prince and Tortoise heavy tanks built at wars-end but never used. It is a real priveledge for someone like me to be able to see all of these in one place!
The modern collection at the museum is not as comprehensive as many of these vehicles are still in service and the American military isn't prone to giving military hardware, obsolete or otherwise, away. I think the most modern American tank I could find was an M48 Patton, which saw service
FT-17
Renault strikes again! in Vietnam. However, there are still some interesting vehicles and the British have no qualms about putting a state of the art Challenger II on display. The best of the modern collection were some very roughly treated T54s, 55s and 62s salvaged from various conflicts in the Middle East. One T62, a Vietnam era vehicle was captured in the 1991 invasion of Iraq. It is interesting to note that at some point during the Cold War, despite the fact that NATO nations weren't sharing tank development (after the French and Germans called it quits in the 60s) all their tanks look the same. The modern hall has a German Leopard I, a French AMX 30 and a British Challenger I and they're all much of a muchness. That's why it was so refreshing to see the Swedish S-Tank. While technically an assault gun, it was a piece of genius engineering designed to defend the forested roads of Sweden. It has no turret and only a crew of 3 (including 2 drivers) and can go as fast in reverse as it can forwards.
For me though, some of the thrill was seeing so many of the unique (and mostly disastrous)
Somua S35 Cavalry Tank
From the FT17 to this in 20 years.... contraptions there. The TOG 2, a tank the size of a small house; The Vickers Independent, an interwar monstrosity with five independent turrets and a crew of eight; the Centurion Gun Tank, also known as a Caernarvon, the only one in existence; and my personal favourite, the Covenanter - a tank so bad that despite 1700 being built in the middle of the biggest war ever, none saw combat. The only one known to have been destroyed by an enemy was blown up in an air raid in 1942.
Bovington polished off my afternoon in a manner that really just made the whole day. Out on the front lawn (okay, paddock) they had a seriously muddy track and it was on that track that I actually got to see a couple of real tanks do their thing. Now, I've been in an M113 and I've seen a LAV III booting around Linton Camp but thems is not tanks. The live show was kicked off with a couple of drive bys from an ex-Canadian Army Leopard C2 and a 1944 M4 Sherman 76 (that's cause it had a 76mm gun, instead of the regular 75mm gun!) and they are loud.
A9
With three turrets! Funnily enough, even with all the mud on the track, the Sherman sounded exactly like they do in movies! It was great. The Leopard, on the other hand, really showed that they Germans figured tank design out after the Second World War. Their own advances in engineering led to a tank that had better armour and armament, more speed and more power than the almighty Tiger I or the Panther and the Leopard weighs the best part of 20 tonnes LESS! And it can move. I mean really really move. We were also treated to a short lecture on the 432 APC and the role of the battlefield taxi as well as getting up close and personal with a Ferret armoured car (now retailing for £3,000 - £4,000 from your local Royal Army Surplus), a Scimitar armoured recce vehicle and a whopping great anti-tank missile carrier. Sadly, I didn't win the raffle for a ride in the Leopard, but hey, thems the breaks I guess. It was a pleasure just to see. Okay, I admit it, I'm a saddo. I can also promise that I'll probably only do one or two more of these ever. We're going to an airshow
Part of the WW II Hall
Clockwise from front: 17 pdr Valentine Archer, Staghound, M3A1 Stuart, Tiger II, Grant, Crusader III and M13/40. up at Blenheim and a couple of museums in continental Europe and after that, and short photo essays from Gallipoli and Normandy, you'll not have to suffer my waffling about random army stuff ever again. Well. Maybe ever is too strong a word. Best not rule anything out though....
I realised something driving back from Dorset (aside from the fact that it would have been more fun in a Leopard C2) and that is that while Jeremy Clarkson is an arrogant sod a lot of the time, I can concur with his (and the other Top Gear guys) opinion on caravanners. When you're driving down a long straight road in Dorset in the midst of a 20 car cue behind a caravan doing 25 mph below the speed limit and that caravanner refuses on principal to pull over into a convenient siding to let the traffic pass, I'd blow his caravan up too. See, that's why it would have been more fun in a Leopard C2. 😊
Finally, we went out last night to see an Edinburgh Comedy Festival preview at the Cellar in town. It's the stereotypical underground club - smoky, dim and full of pissed up
L3/33 Lanciafiamme
With man for scale. Would you drive it? students. The show started half an hour late, which was quite annoying given that it was already a late 9.15 on a school night. However, we got two and a half hours of quality stand-up. Some of it was suitably cerebral - the compere noted that the he and the warm-up guy (Paul F. Turner I think) both rained on Australians and fat people and Harold Bishop (of Neighbours fame) was sneaking out the back way - after all, he was the centre of that Venn diagram. Then the main act, Glenn Wool, started off with a bit of a test, to see what kind of comedy we would prefer. I'll tell you the first joke - "I'm quite a big fan of the band, Franz Ferdinand. But I'd also quite like to assassinate them, just to see what would happen." I won't repeat the second in such a public forum. Suffice to say it was cruder and got a much bigger laugh, and so onto the ridiculous comedy we went. Wool put on an excellent show as he tried out his Edinburgh material. His musings on being a Canadian living in London, how going on a three day cocaine
Panther
Stonkingly big and sexy. I gotta get me one of these. and drinking binge can complicate a marriage (especially when you miss counselling as a result), religion, terrorism (and terrorism on magic mushrooms) went down a treat with the whole crowd, who ranged from students to professionals to parents! He was quite a commanding presence on stage and it almost felt as if he was performing for each of the audience members alone. His Robin Williams-esque skill at contorting his face and voice only added to the hilarity. If, perchance, he visits NZ for our comedy gig, he's really worth seeing. Jen and I enjoyed the gig so much that we're going to go to a couple more in the coming weeks. Hopefully they won't be quite so late....
Lastly, I watched both the big football games this month - the FA Cup final and the Champions League final. The FA Cup only served to confirm how boring English football is and the Champions League really only proved that AC Milan were the worse side, but had more luck on the day. Liverpool should have won, but.....Not sure why I felt the need to mention that! I much preferred the Spanish GP and the day I enjoy watching motor racing
Sherman 76
To take on the Panther....! is a rare day indeed.
To finish up today (for the third time) I would like to quote Professor Hubert Farnsworth, who has been known to say "Good News Everybody!" Indeed I have good news. Jen and I have basically finalised the long drive home and I am now in the unenviable position to say that we are leaving the UK on the 4th of September for Cairo and then visiting Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Turkey, Hungary, Rumania, Greece and the Greek Islands, Italy, the Czech Republic, Germany, Switzerland, France, Spain and Portugal before flying out from Barcelona to London on the 29th of December. That same day we will fly for Hong Kong and stay there until the 2nd of January, when we shall fly for home. The ticket says we'll be arriving at Wellington airport at 1:30 in the afternoon. Just in time for a decent cup of coffee in the sunshine at Hummingbird or something.
I must confess that I'm looking forward to coming home and really looking forward to taking such a good trip to get there! In the meantime, there's still plenty to come from the UK - June's highlights include Cambridge, Kew Gardens,
Tiger 131
The famous WORKING Bovington Tiger. Sadly not today... some more Edinburgh Comedy Festival previews and whatever else we can manage to squeeze in to the busy month of June!
There are quite a few things in July and August that I will enjoy rabbiting about too, but I'm not telling you what they are, MWAHAHA...cough cough splutter. After that, I don't know. Web access in Eastern Europe seems to be reliable enough but who knows what we'll be able to manage while we're in the Middle East. I'll try, really I will, but I have this sinking feeling that you'll all get an enormous text when we arrive in Istanbul the first time, and then again when we get to Istanbul the second time. After that, it shouldn't be so hard! In the meantime, give me a shout and let me know what's happening back on the home front. It is always nice to get news. I can only look forward to seeing everyone when I get back and having a quiet Monteiths or two and some decent coffee, probably not at the same time.
Until next time,
Take care everyone,
Talk Soon,
Al and Jen
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Tom Leamy
non-member comment
MMMMM tanks
enough said really - ok again mmmmmmm nice tanks.