Camping it up in KempTown

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How long is it since I have updated this blog? Eons, and I have missed you - and I am sure you have all missed me ... but did any of you get me a publishing deal? No you bloody didn't, so be very grateful I am back!

Well, what can I tell you - greyer, wiser (possibly), wider (definitely).

In the years since I have last been here, I have held down two jobs ... yes, it surprised me too! I have also joined the local sea kayaking club. I love the sea - I swim in it regularly (in the English channel), I take dozens of photos of it, I walk along the beach, and a few times a month I stagger down Kemptown's pebble beach carrying a kayak, eventually make it into the water - although sometimes this requires help, and then stagger back up the beach to a hot shower and some much needed rest. Sometimes I don't stagger back up the beach - because our beach is very steep, I am very little and a bit of a wimp, and by the time the sea vomits me up on the shore I have half the ocean and a good selection of the beach dumped in my kayak. On those days I pretend to be trying to pick my kayak up, and then throw it down petulantly and dramatically storm up the beach in search of some poor bloke to help me. On one particularly bad day, having been beaten to a pulp by the sea, I just stood on the shore, bleeding and whimpering by my kayak until someone just came and took it away.

So, that is all about my new found passion. I thought my borrowed kayak and I would spend a romantic weekend away together. Us and another 30 odd kayaks and their kayaksters (I have no idea what the collective noun is for people in kayaks). We are going camping and kayaking in the Wye Valley. I was sent a list of equipment by the kayaking club, some of which I could borrow from them. I was quite confident the kayak would fit in my little car, and was all set. I needed a tent - my very generous cousin Clare lent me a tent, and a little camping stove and kettle. Clare also advised me the instructions were incomplete and I should ring her husband Stuart for help and did I want the number. It is a 2 man tent, how difficult can it be I thought, so I said I would ring if I struggled.

I planned to drive down on Friday afternoon in Bertie Wooster, my little blue VW Lupo. A week beforehand, Bertie's timer belt snapped in the fast lane of the M25. If it has never happened to you - and you need to lose a few pounds, I highly recommend it. Just couldn't be more fun. A lovely RAC man came along and rescued me. RAC - men you can rely on! It took several days for the garage to strip the engine down and establish the true cost of Bertie's demise - £1400 plus VAT. I hate Gordon Brown, so I am buggered if am paying him £170. Bertie is off to the lupo graveyard. Bye Bye Bertie, Bertie Goodbye- as the bay city rollers almost once said.

I was without transport - but Sarah came to the rescue. She had bought a roofrack, she had a roof in need of a kayak, I had a kayak in need of a roof. We were set to go. We met up at the kayaking club on Thursday evening. Sarah had my kayak, helmet, oar type thingies, and spraydeck in her car. I faffed over which colour helmet and spraydeck I really wanted - because colour is always important. Sarah went home to fix the roof rack onto the car. I went home to have a trial run with the tent.

Now this is where I may have made my first mistake. Clare's advice, 'ring Stuart'. Viv's take on it - "I can do this!" Why can I never listen?

I got out the tent - and laid out all the component parts alongside the instructions. I have assembled Ikea furniture, I know the drill.

I started to read the instructions:
A) Always erect bivvy before using, this allows you to familiarise yourself with the assembly and enable you to check the bivvy and components.

Well, I was ahead of the game already, had already planned to check. So streetsmart and I didn't even know it! So let's have a look at what else this little book says.

1. Lay the inner tent flat on the ground.
Before start, I prepare the area, I remove the garden furniture and sweep the terrace. Could it be that I am truly my mother's daughter? Will I be packing my sponge mat and dettol tomorrow? I never thought it would come to this! OK, there are two tent like bits, so which one is the inner tent, let's have a look at the labels .... no help there, so surely if it is the 'inner' tent, it has to be the smaller one.

2. Assemble the 2 x 9 section poles and pass through the sleeves positioned across the inner tent.
Assembling the poles, easy, finding the sleeves ... well what would you define as a sleeve. Would it be these velcro things? Which way does it go? Surely sleeve is a bit more secure and substantial than two bits of velcro. Maybe I should call Stuart. Hold on - this is a sleeve. That's it. Blimey, this is hard to thread through .. . there's a lot of pole for the sleeve, maybe that was the sleeve for the 7 section pole, so where are the other sleeves. They must be somewhere round here.

It was all getting a bit difficult and the light was fading, assistance was definitely called for. I dashed down to the kitchen and dithered - Fleurie or Shiraz? Shiraz won the day as I only have one bottle of Fleurie left. Back upstairs with a small glass to tide me over.

Back to looking for the other sleeve - maybe it is upside down, no it can't be because the first sleeve was there. 20 minutes and another half glass of wine later, I readdressed which I considered to be the inner tent. I looked at the bigger bit of green stuff - well, blow me. Sleeves. Who would have thought? And yes, thankyou - anyone who thought to locate the sleeves before trying to thread a thing would have thought, but it just wasn't that kind of trial run.

We thread, we look at the instructions, pass the 7 section pole through the remaining sleeve. . We are all poled out, it is looking good. In reality, it isn't looking good at all, it is looking dark and all a bit complicated, I pick up my mobile. Do I admit defeat and call Stuart? But I am doing so well, I have poles threaded through.

On we go.
3. Take the tension on the diagonal poles by pushing them towards the centre of the tent.
In a field in Wales this will make perfect sense. On a rooftop in Kemptown, it lacks something - something like ground to push the tent poles into. How do I get the middle of the tent to lift up? I try pushing them into the cracks between the paving stones, they won't stay. I try plant pots, lots of mess. I drink a little more wine. I need some more help, I can't do this alone. I nip downstairs and get the bottle - none of this glass at a time nonsense.

A few sips later and I have a eureka moment. If I can't tense the poles, I just need to raise the middle. Seconds later the centre of the tent is propped up by a garden chair. Yay - we're cooking on gas!!

And so back to my instructions:
4. Inner tent will now be erected.
Well maybe not quite what they meant, but let's face it, not the worst erection I've seen.

5. After sliding rest pole line into front pole sleeve of flysheet, place over the erected inner tent. Attach the hook on the flysheet to rings in the corner of the inner tent. Locate the front eyelet of the fly sheet onto tip of ridge pole.
I read that paragraph several times. I ponder for some time over which language it could be in. I look at the picture - it resembles nothing. I drink more wine. I read it again. I text Clare, I beg her to send Stuart to Wye tomorrow evening. I text Sarah and tell her I can't erect tent. She texts back to say she can't fix roof rack. So we are sorted, I am lying in a kayak for the entire the journey to Wye, and then the 4 of us are sleeping in the car - Sarah, me and two kayaks.

I faff around for 20 minutes with the fly sheet. Eventually I have the grand idea of throwing it over the other bit of tent, and somehow it works. TADA!

6. Tie guy lines to fly sheet at side fixings and tension as necessary (do not over tension).
Do not over tension? To what are they referring, me or the tent? Far too late to "not over tension" at least one of us.

Anyway 2 hours and one bottle of wine later it is done. I ring Clare to celebrate whilst I dismantle tent. 15 minutes later I am still chatting - and still trying to drag pole out of fly sheet. Clare advises ... "Stuart said to get poles out push, dont pull" Ah, Stuart, oh wise tent putter upper of Epsom, why didn't I listen? Why didn't I call?

Eventually the tent is dissembled. I wrestle with the component parts for some time to get them back in their little bag. Eventually it is done. Tight fit, and the tent hooks, one tension pole and the inner tent wouldn't fit in, but will I need them if am sleeping in the car?

So - I have had my trial run - and it was well worth doing. I have learned some valuable lessons:

1. When someone who knows what they are talking about gives you advice ... for the love of god .. LISTEN.

2. If your idea of a multiple orgasm is the John Lewis sale ... camping possibly isn't your bag.

The weekend is bound to be interesting!

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Photos

Camping 001
It's all in the bag

Camping 002
Aha - we have instructions.

Camping 003
We have now torn the instructions (sorry Clare)

Camping 004
So .... which one is the inner tent?

Camping 005
This is getting a bit complicated, I'll just photo the sunset instead.

Camping 006
Call the cavalry - the wine arrives.

Camping 007
The poles are in ... spatchcocked tent.

Camping 008
Note to self - take plenty of wine on the trip - and make sure it is screw top.

Camping 009
Taking up the tension on the diagonal (aka shoving garden chair under tent poles).

Camping 010
Eh ... voila!
Yes - I realise I am sleeping in the car as well!