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Published: November 22nd 2009
If you can keep your head....
when all about you are losing theirsTo Change Or Not To Change This Was The Question?
I had to make the most serious decision of my life, did I desire change, to have a complete break from my tired repetitive life cycles, to abide by newer clearer freer ways of being, to rid myself of old boring pain which had developed a convincing lovable personality of its own. Did I wish to be victor or victim within my rapidly changeable world? I know I needed to remember to slow breathe, to calm my chattering mind, to really feel, relax and enjoy the rest of my precious life and the special people in it. When destiny stood firmly in front of my stubbornness, unavoidable changes came into full force. I thought back and realised that I actually had little choice in this matter, fate blocked my view, at that point I was ridged with fear full of all the what if's? I really did not want to lose all those things I had worked so hard for, nor did I wish to change the current version of Claire Hall, whom I thought had done very well for herself, I didn’t expect a full on valet service.
Fight or flight kicked in, I jumped clean off the property ladder by selling up and not reinvesting, I sold the car, gave away Elvis my kitten, I gave charitable donations of stuff to the homeless, I gave sort after items to grateful friends, e-bayed the all the rest, all those things and must have items that were once 'must have items', so desired, so precious too me, turned out to be worth nothing at all at resale, I could not even give it away. I did allowed myself a few special items that were carefully packed away into a loft as at the time I could not envisage my life was worth living without these sentimentalism’s. Upon my return most of it had disappeared, those things were naturally taken from me; I was left with a clean slate. I resigned from my respectable job and pay cheques. I left to take a wonder around this Earth, owning nothing, with no clues of future direction, itineraries or plans. I had one keen boyfriend, a backpack, a small laptop, an empty blog account with an enterprising new online identity, I remember it took me five months to pluck up the courage
to write my first on line for the world to see word, then I couldn't stop writing, has thesoulcultivator become the next incarnation of me? No.
All this was considered by 21st Century material man as terrifying, crazy, mindless, foolish behaviour. Others called me a bit stupid or very god damn brave, I had just turned 40 and everyone around me had turned into day time agony aunts, stating I should really start thinking about settling down as my biological time was ticking, soon adoption would be my only hope. I should own stuff like bricks and land, I should have a job I am not happy with, because that's what everyone has. How could these people not see that by leaving all these should's behind, just for a while, by taking a leap of faith into the unknown, stepping clean away from all comfort zones, could in fact benefit my future states of being, by helping myself in being much clearer and more focused in understanding who I really am, enabling myself to lay fresh new foundations in which to build a secure and happier future for myself and who ever I wish to settle with.
If
I followed my gut instincts now, I could be happy and rich in mind, body, spirit and Godly abundance, excelling myself beyond my wildest dreams. As I finally realised my fate I said 'F**K it' to the world, the same one I had just gotten by in, by walking this earth to start the dance of time that beats my own truth. I believe there is so much more to my life than living lost within this herded state, I simply cannot function by bleating what everyone else bleats within a tedious conventional existences.
Some sofa critics, those ones who have never set foot outside their own minds, tutted at the thought of it all, passing comment that this my dear Claire was in fact a massive MIDLIFE CRISIS. Yet, I thought of it as a kismet conception. All those bazaar and at times terrible life challenging incidents I had experienced, especially those leading up to my 40th year, I now believe were cleverly orchestrated as part of my life plan. I experienced big reminders of childhood when as a small warrior child trapped in modern day chaos I was given images/insights of the direction where I should be
heading, I somehow managed through it all to stick to that plan.
However 2006 crept up on me like crow’s feet and muffin top waist lines do, something deep down screamed I had lost my way and enough was enough, challenging events became my soul's barometer, burning intuition became my flaming torch. This Claire Hall who was post birth pure in thought and rich in feisty spirit, a promising and perfect chunk of child had big hoops to jump through. Part of my non-negotiable contract was to grow up within a fiercely negative, fear ridden, unimaginative family, where credence was somehow lost in translation. Through them I learnt the art of independence. I managed to stay with my biological family until I was just old enough to fit into a training bra, then I sprinted as fast as I could the other way.
Many people asked me why I was doing this now as they thought I had finished all this travelling malarkey. Many friends shared their fears of all the things that could go wrong. Was I running away? I received mixed messages as I was now at that fragile time in life, between young and old,
failure or success, misery or happiness. Genuine open hearted well wishers flung their arms open, squeezing me into their approval. I was ear bashed by close minded fretters with their full on mutterings of worried concern, followed by hesitant second minded statements of, Oh why the hell not? If only we didn’t have: wife, hubby, kids, aged parents, a crippling mortgage, massive debts, anxiety, fear, unexplainable body pain & other fear based health issue, a list of unfamiliar medication, a lacking free thinking brain, free will, personal freedom', which must have the word FREE in there for some good reason. Many a frustrated mantra roared, oh god blimey Claire, if we only had the guts to do what you are doing.
Why is there an age limit to starting again, in finding ones true path to happiness, isn't this why we are born, we have many lessons to learn as life is our school? If some folk were excuses list free, within the click of a mouse they would do exactly the same. I wasn’t running away from anything, I was reclaiming true myself. A need had arisen to tune in and to start listening with my eyes and
talk with my heart, this for me is long overdue.
RETURNING HOME I can honestly say that since returning home after nearly two years of travelling 14 countries, where I took advice from many teachers, special healers, gifted gurus, medicine men, monks and shamans, they told me nothing I didn’t already know within my own pumping heart. The Buddhists said to always project positive thoughts, deeds and kind words within my conscious mind, to do right firstly by myself, if I cannot be good and loving to myself, how can I be good and loving and really mean it to others. Fellow gutsy mid-life travellers that also gave up worldly possessions to seek a better way of life which is fast becoming its own religion, they all helped fuel my drive and gave great wise words and advise, some I took some I left at the bar. All those wonderful indigenous people taught me to live each day as if it is my last, as for many of them it could be their last. I learnt to be wholly grateful for everything I experience and receive, to believe in myself, intuition and my choices, to cherish friends and community,
as I have no family. The Chinese taught me to never worry, as my ear of abundance will hear what I need to do next and my prosperity palace nose is good for sniffing out much good fortune. My patient PADI dive masters in Malaysia helped me over come my biggest fear by teaching me to breathe in to then breathe out through that fear, all of these wisdoms I apply myself to do today. We could have gone on travelling more countries I knew it was time to return back to England as I felt physically exhausted and had reached a point of extreme cultural saturation. With stooped shoulders I responded to tour suggestions with seen it, done it, not another temple or garden, monkeys, ancient building monument sacred site, trek up a mountain, more monkeys, trip on a longboat, walk through a cave or tubing downstream. I was fed up, I needed no more journeying I needed stabilising.
2009 -This first year back in England could have been very depressing, even suicidal. It was freezing cold and the newsstands were cluttered with grim headlines it was either Black Monday, Weak Wednesday or Fatal Friday, the country suffered
the worst financial crises since the great depression had hit hard. We had a new word Credit Crunch which was not made by Kellogg’s, stock markets were in free fall. Confidence in Gordon Brown's government plummeted after exposure for claiming millions on second homes, duck ponds, moat cleaning services and cable porn. Bush was still in presidency and draining the entire world of all its energy and oil. The pointless billion-dollar war in Afghanistan rages on, young soldiers are coming home limbless or in decorative body bags, each name read out every night on the six o’clock news, why! Our planet Earth is now in serious threat of going BOOM all thanks to our thoughtless ignorance. The ice caps are melting faster than popsicles left in the sun, while London had the heaviest snow falls in history and was declared closed for a full 24 hours during February 2009, I had not seen snow this thick since I was a little girl, then followed record floods, my country is in melt down. Strikes, job losses, media scaremongering had us all believing we were going to die of swine flu pandemic plague thing. Plots of land in Blackheath were back in
fashion. We are living in the Age of Stupid
There seems to be a negative mass consciousness belief system which is all about unworthiness, doom and gloom, strict rules and dogma that discourages original, independent thinking, this has kept everyone in a state of guilt, fear and inertia. This has been called the "Herd State," wherein everyone looked to their religious and ruling leaders to tell them what to do, think and be. A. A Michael The energy of this world is rapidly changing and we are blessed to be living within the unknown, it’s a new challenge. It is time for everyone to wake up before we go go, to find ourselves first, to look within, feel then deal with the pain then move on, get rid of all old stagnant repetitive fear cycles all handed down by gene and generation, we all need to get our Qi energy running, to come out of this with love in our hearts and for every community across this globe to hold hands not Blackberrys. It is time to change and these changes our solely our own responsibilities, it has to come from us individually.
BACK TO WORK I started
back to work as a medic covering films and premiers, I met the Mr. Hollywood Will Smith and he told me I was doing a great job! I also was back on the road doing 999 work, in a rapid response car in a new area in a new county, which was scary enough. One of my first jobs was a 33 week premature baby born early and at home, this birth I attended alone, the ambulance crew were delayed, as I assisted the terrified delirious mother who was high on entonox and natural adrenaline, during the birth I wondered why I was back doing this kind of stuff again, I received my answer as my shaman master Jose from Guatemala Shaman School came to mind as he once told me that I am born unto the Mayan stars as the natural mid wife, the Mayan 7 Kowoq, this was written in my birth rights and was something I must for fill. With this new information in mind the job went well as I played the role of midwife somewhere between Maidenhead and Reading, but this time I felt thousands of years of soul experience keeping the scene running smoothly,
which kept me going until the crew arrived, this one premature baby was sent to test my new faith, incredibly he was born seven weeks premature the very day I start back to work, however he was pink and breathing, in fact he was screaming, confirming he was most definitely alive with no apparent complications.
DREAM-BELIEVE-ENJOY I settled back into normal life remarkably well. I believe this was due to my freshly de-cluttered mind, body and spirit. I didn’t feel culture shocked or depressed. I had learnt to accept each day as it came; to live very much in the now, to remember how lucky I am especially when I looked back at my portraits of those I had met in inspirational countries. Despite all the odds 2009 has been my most successful year ever. I finally feel that I have full hold of my destiny reigns, a true sense of saging while ageing feels right for my new decade of adventure, a greater love and wisdom. Suddenly on the other side of 40, stress free and much happier, I found myself living in the countryside in a chocolate box house with an upstairs, which I had never had
before, could life get any better? All the material stuff I let go of in 2006 was returning back to me but, I created a new work environment that worked for me, mixing medical with media, I found the same car yet better and cheaper, my then kitten Elvis whom I gave a way to a dear friend was given back to me as a massive chunky cat, it was a little bazaar. Stu and I broke up, I am ever grateful to him for sharing this experience, but I needed to find this future husband, he was out there somewhere looking for me to.
I saw many fortune tellers along the way, most of them mentioned the same thing that the man of my dreams, someone in uniform, is coming to claim me and this man will be my future husband. The Charles Bronson tarot reader from Santa Maria Guatemala, Huacachina voodoo man in Peru, my own higher self visions while taking Ayahuasca showed me the image of this man, in Siem Reap Cambodian block tarot seer, from the Phnom Penh water monks blessings menu, where I asked for the abundance of wealth and the love of a
great man, Datong China fortune teller, the Pingyao Chinese hand man saw him coming for me very clearly and Shanghai Chinese acupuncture lady said I was to have a child one day soon. This man in uniform did find me 21st August 2010 we started dating, I subconsciously knew who he was, and next year we are getting married. Mr. M you have become my world, this journey was so worth it as it brought me to you.
I had changed, my perceptions, views, creativity and confidence had returned but also my new understanding of me, myself and I, how I work, what makes me tick and what my life purpose is all about, it all finally makes sense. None of this would have happened if id stayed at home, stayed at my old job and had changed nothing at all.
I hope my story inspires.
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Steve Sampford
non-member comment
Something sustains us
It occurs to me often, that many are crushed by a mere fraction of the challenges and choices you so ably describe; that we must therefore be an active part of something far beyond our limited understandings. 'It' facinates me and draws me ever closer and one of my joys in it, is to know someone else who seeks true understanding as well. Beautiful! xxx