Bern Baby Bern (Insensitive Re Issue/text only)

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Trading Beach Towels for Tobagans

We always start with trains so today will be no different. The first train of the day was built in 1704 by a blind man who dropped out of engineering school after one semester. This man also had no concept of how the human spine works and developed seats so uncomfortable they actually made parts of my body go numb, but, no train, no pain, no gain. I have half my kneecap due to the automatic doors that close on you and if you’re over the age of 70, don’t expect any sympathy from people trying to get on a “no reservation,” train. They’ll run you over and then steal your purse. It’s a dog eat dog world on those trains and old people are kibble. Our train to Geneva looked like an African work train, tons of people packed in, all over the floor and no bathrooms. The only thing missing was people on the roof. There were so many people on the train and the smell was so bad I began to ask everyone if they were Jewish and wonder where the train was really heading. The miracle dash between Barcelona and Interlaken was just as its title suggests, a miracle. We left Barcelona and missed a few trains here and there and somehow, some way, we caught the last train to Interlaken and got here at midnight. Southern France and Switzerland have the greatest trains ever. Most of the trains we were on were nicer than any car, home or room I’ve ever driven, slept or lived in.

We got to our hostel after sharing a cab with a girl named Carla. She seemed nice and sharing a cab to the same place at midnight seemed logical until we got in and she said she was Brazilian. I was worried that I was going to have to kill her, but it turns out that not all Brazilian women are awful and unaware of personal space. Tara and I instantly had a snowball fight once we got to the hostel. The only bad part about a snowball fight in Switzerland is that you must have it between the hours of 10am and 9pm because after 9pm in Switzerland, it’s ILLEGAL to be loud. It’s really not that fun to hit someone in the face and when they’re whimpering and laughing you have to yell in a whisper, “sssshhhhh, we’re gonna get arrested!”

I Have to Pay To Take a Shit?

Two things I’ve grown to distaste lately are obnoxious Americans who have the, “we are better than you,” attitude. (they come in bulk and different styles). It’s becoming more and more clear why everyone we’ve met is nice to us, because Tara has kept us polite and we’ve made major attempts to blend in by speaking the language or at least trying. My second gripe is that the two most important things I need in my life are a toilet and the internet. Lately, neither of them is free. We haven’t had free internet since Madrid. Chrissy is in the boonies of Africa and she has more internet than me. All the bathrooms in Switzerland are these swanky pay toilets. If you can’t piss and shit in the streets without going to jail then it should be a criminal offense to charge people to piss and shit in private. I just don’t fucking get it. Having to pay to use the restroom. What if you were broke and homeless? At one station I held it for an hour because I refused to pay, I then had to jump on a train getting ready to leave, piss and jump back off before it headed to Rome. Two things I’ll go to war over in the United States, women losing the right to abort and pay toilets.

We took a train around the lakes here and checked out the snow covered alps. The size and the shape of the alps makes you feel small. Every five minutes I had to remind myself not to scream, “AVALANCHE,” just to see what happens. We saw reindeer farms and hand fed, pigeons, ducks and swans. We also went swimming in an indoor pool. The highlight of the day came covered in cheese as we cooked meats and dipped them an many other assorted items into lava vats of melted cheese Fondu style. I felt like yelling, “EUREKA,” with every bite. I also drank a beer called Hell Lager, which is basically a good tasting Budweiser minus the dry sewage taste. The only I think we missed out on is the Dog Sledding, but you have to climb a giant mountain by train, tram and then hiking, to get to the dogs and I’ve had my fill of snow for the day. I need a warm shower, a cold beer and some snuggling. That’s right, I still snuggle and I’m damn good at it too.

I ate Swiss Cheese, there really is a swiss army, even though they all look they're 15 and they do carry swiss army knives. I also attempted to open a Swiss Bank account like in the movies so we can transfer all of our illegal money to it, but i couldn't find one. 😞 There i think i covered all the Swiss stereotypes.

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