She's An Asshole

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She’s An Asshole

I’m an asshole. I know it. You know it. I just have flashes of brilliance that often outweigh or overcast this fact. Being an asshole, I know when I meet another asshole or when I’m in the presence of a true bonafide asshole.

Most of the time, you don’t call a girl or woman an asshole. If they were really deserving of an associative title then you would refer to them as cunts, bitches or slags. On a rare occasion you come across a person that is % 60 women, % 40 men and %100 asshole.

I’m currently on a train from Paris to Madrid. In my car there are a total of 11 people and a baby. So far everyone has been quiet, fun, sleeping or self-productive in some manner. Hell, I haven’t heard the baby make a peep in over 3 hours and this train rocks more Brett Michaels in the 80s. This could be considered a sweet and pleasant first of many train rides through Europe over the next 2 months, but it’s not. All because of this girl, who’s an asshole. Her name is Victoria, she’s from Brazil and we have not gotten along from the minute her ashtray smelling stank breath boarded our train. She has taken over.

She has taken over our DVD collection, cheese and bread stash and our innocence. I like people’s stories, but I don’t care for her 10 minute talks of how she likes to watch Gray’s Anatomy and ER. When I’m busy eating my ghetto cheese sandwich, I don’t want you to keep handing me things from your wallet like your Atlanta city bus pass. As she walked up and down the isles looking for a plug for her ipod and ignoring all 11 people who told her the only plug was in the bathroom, and making her best attempt to wake up the baby, I thought of the many ways I might kill her.

As she sat down and talked and talked and talked I was reminded of the part of the movie Seven, where Morgan Freeman reads the serial killer’s journal which told the story of a man that annoyed him so much on the train that he threw up on him. As I watch her stick her feet into Magnus’s our Australian friend’s side and arm pits, I wish he’d break one of her toes. You can tell by the facial expressions he’s thinking the same thing as me. Or maybe as she sings loudly in Portuguese at 1am while we’re all trying to sleep she will realize how awful she is and in her own disgust, vomit up the cheese and bread she pirated from the kind hearted Tara, in her mouth, swallow her own tongue and choke to death.

Or maybe we’ll all get lucky and the toilet paper she jammed between her ipod battery adapter and the wet sink, next to the sign that says, do not plug in things here and leave them, they may catch on fire, will catch on fire. Maybe she’ll run in to put out the fire and she’ll catch on fire too and try to use the toilet to put herself out and then I can flush her out of the train and out of my life. And we can’t use the bathroom for at least a few more hours not just because of the fire hazard/death that may await us, but because she just laid an Amazon sized twosie in the bano.

I once held a crying baby from Las Vegas to San Jose on a Southwest Airlines flight the whole way, so it’s mother could get the other kid to stop crying.

I miss that kid.

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Comments

[trex]

she also ganked our toothpaste . . .and it didn't help

[Katie Eyslee]

Good Lord!
Instead of "Throw Momma From The Train" you should "Throw Bitch from the Train" I'm sorry you guys had to deal with that. I would not have been able to be nice to her. I would have ended up getting myself kicked off the train. Much respect to you for keeping your cool.

[mo]

brain--how much was your ticket to ireland? i want to come over there and say hi.

[saintjohnnymexico]

tickets
Our tickets were 700 each non stop from san francisco to dublin, but there are cheaper deals, it's cheaper to fly to London and make your way from there. All of our friends are coming here for New Years and we'll all be in London. I'm coming home in February anyways! We'll go camping and to the aquarium.