Portugal: Princess Etch Prepares for the Summer

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O where o where has Etchy Boy gone .... o where o where can he beeeeee?

Man I didn't even realize it's been this long, I have disgraced my FB page and I have dishonoured my FB family.

I have been making notes on things to write about but most of that doesn't even make sense to me. Well, it's now summer time here in Portugal, what I've been waiting for since I arrived. The epic adventures will begin again next week, so until then let's summarize a few things I can remember about June:

- I met my 1st comedy fans in my local shop. I was buying apple and underwear (not as weird as it sounds, I think) and I heard a voice .... not the usual one inside my head that gets me in trouble, but a real person's voice ... "well done on the comedy" ... and I met 2 fans who recognized me from my gig. I didn't have a pen on me so no autogaphs. I did try my best to appear funny and comic-like as if I should put on a show for peeps, but I wasn't bothered for conversations, and I thought to myself "a lot of comics are just miserable f^cks in the real-world anyway" and i felt ok with myself.

- I still use my UK bank cards now and again. My Mint credit card is important and when I really needed it, it kept declining. I phoned up and:

Them: "ah yes Mr aaarrrkkktaarrr, we blocked the card because we suspected fraud
Me: Ok, which transaction
Them: a phone topup to Orange, was that you?
Me: yes ... but more importantly, it was only for a tenner
Them: yes we know, but it looked suspicious
Me: so you blocked my 4 grand card for a £10 transaction?
Them: exactly mr aaarrkkhtaaarrrr
Me: and now Im paying more than that calling you from europe (would have been more if i didnt use saynoto0870, coz even from the uk calling their premium number would have cost more than a tenner) .... id like to use my card asap please
Them: sorry for the inconvenience, the transaction looked suspicious
Me: yeah id have thought the same thing, some company named after a colour cant be real

- Mosquitos, and the battle continues. Ive done a lot better since becoming a princess and installing nets around my beds. Man what a mission, I totally destroyed my ceiling drilling into it and making a hole 10 times wider than what I needed .... i think it was karma for stealing a little something from the diy store (just 1 wall plug the size i needed it ... and i only needed 1, not a pack of 50) ... is that bad? I did buy other things from there, this wall plug just happened to be in my back pocket as i walked out, accidentally on purpose. Actually there have been less mosquitoes recently than a month ago so ive started to leave doors/windows open at night again, but i have a routine now which involves sitting on my balcony covered in DEET, something i hate, putting chemicals on me. actually right now im sat out in a long-sleeve blue chequered shirt, army pants and stripy orange socks (oh yea, etch is representin, oh yea) and the buggers have still managed to get me on my neck and hand ... might have to make use of my scarf, gloves and wooly hat this summer.

- It has taken a while to adjust to this hot climate, its approaching mid-thirties and I was just about ok at 23c. For the 1st couple of weeks I lived in the dark, shutters locked up, walking around the apartment using a torch to get to the freezer, just to get some ice cubes to nibble on and go back inside the cold bath where I was living. The body has become used to this now and there is once again daylight in the apartment, yet it went up another degree and im losing the plot again ... I hope it doesnt go above 40 like it did last yr. I dont even wear clothes no mo ... well perhaps 1 piece, and I'll be on my balcony doing stretches like that ... and I stand out because my balcony has good furniture and peeps always lookin up at me chillin on my stoop. Well there havent been any complaints so far .... lets see how far I can push it, might add a YMCA routine.

- Beach fun times .... and so many beaches to choose from, awesome.

- They now have a guard at my pool here for the next couple of months meaning only the holidaymakers can use it and its off-bounds for the locals who used to use it. This is sad news as the locals were Portuguese honeys, and now there's just a lot of pasty red overweight white peeps and a crazy amount of kids. Having said that, Im finding the single moms yummy .... thats my new thing now (well loads of women have kids anyway). They're not always single but I blank out the dude sat with the mom and kid ... and dream my dream.

- Im FB friends with someone I dont know and have never known, HTF? I think they enticed me into becoming friends with a name of someone Id like to be friends with (e.g. Antonio Montana) and then change their name afterwards.

- Approx 21% of peeps are self-employed in Portugal.

- Ok, I have a load of kitchen knives hanging form my cupboard on magnetic holders. One morning I woke up and 2 of my knives were missing, they somehow vanished in the middle of the night. I got scared, but life goes on.

- Sometimes I get dazed and forget my own life. For example, my internet router packed in and i got the engineer to come and replace it. He waited for me at reception and when I met him, I sat in his van so we can drive to the apartment. I accidentally told him the wrong left turn and it was a dead end, so I laughed it off and said "haha heat stroke, its the next left, sorry about that" so he reversed out, went on and turned the next left ....... dead f^cking end ... "haha i dont even live here, i just wanted to sit in ur van" ... "really?" ... "nah man im kiddin, go back to reception and its THAT left" ..... and it was. I wasnt too sure tho, Ive driven home hundreds of times but I actually doubted myself thinking "please dont be wrong again, please dont be wrong again otherwise we're lost".

- I did a CV and cover letter for the 1st time in 8 yrs, that was fun. CVs suck (with a crappy name, curriculum what-tay?), they're overrated anyway, it should all be about proposals, what you can bring to the client going forwards, not what bullplop u remembered to pass an exam in the past. This was for something going on in Gibraltar, so I'll provide more info if anything transpires (not sure if thats the right word to use, i dont even know what it means).

- Maaannn, ordering items from the UK is expensive over here because of postage. For example I ordered an item for £8 and paid £20 for postage, its bonkers. Even more so as somebody told me afterwards they sell it in my local sports store 2 mins drive away .... but I dont think logically most of the time. Like today, Ive ordered couple of tablecloths, €190 ... would a sane person even do that?

- In my local supermarket's car park I saw a driving instructor vehicle with the L symbol going around and around, and doing reverse bay parking and other tricks ... and thought "ok somebody's on a lesson" ... the only thing is, when i looked closer there was only 1 dude in the vehicle driving. Either the instructor was giving himself a lesson or he's in the boot.

Goodnight all !!

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