A city of culture and whores. LOTS of whores

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The prospect of seeing a live sex show is, to put it lightly, intriguing. Two live, flesh and blood human beings, sharing the beautiful act of fucking with a group of strangers in a dark theater is a cultural event that no worldly young man should deny himself. But, more on that later.

Early mornings and jet lag are actually a really awesome combination. Yeah, you're tired and disoriented, but you are really in no position for it to bother you. I highly recommend it. So, after a late night drinking we get up crazy early and head off to the bus. London, being true to form, was rather wet and gray and rainy. But we queue up and get on the bus, our home for the next 3 weeks.

The plan for the day, drive to Dover, cross to France, pass through Belgium and into The Netherlands, ending in Amsterdam. That's right, 4 countries in one afternoon. Being from Texas, I find this surreal. Were I to drive this far at home I would reach Dallas, yet here you change languages 4 times. There is a point here, but it escapes me.

I will not go into to much detail here as the drive from Dover to Amsterdam is very similar to the drive from Austin to Houston. Grand amounts of nothing stretch out as far as the eye can see, and the only respite comes in the form of the occasional rest stop. Now the first thing you notice is how different highway gas stations are in this part of the world. They all have a really amazing collection of food. Well, not amazing, but much better than we are accustomed to. While en route our tour guide, a very adorable, excitable, high energy Frenchwoman whom I dub Colibri (French for hummingbird) informs us that she has planned a "group outing" that evening to a live sex show. Everyone in the group is game, mostly because I don't think anyone wanted to be the one person to pass on it. I now view this evening with a hint of promise.

A quick word about languages. Now, there are those who believe that German is an ugly language, and I will be honest, it does have it's moments. However, those who hold such a dim view of the German tongue have yet to experience the nightmare that is Dutch. Imagine a what a German speaking while cleaning their throat sounds like. That is Dutch. It is mildly unpleasant.

But I must say, lovely city. Upon arrival Colibri informs us that The Netherlands is involved in some form of "Football (European soccer, but without the orange slices)" contest. There are many, many people decked out in a very unpleasant shade of orange. Apparently this country has an affinity for this color. Funny enough, it looks like a crowd going to an Oklahoma State game.

A funny aside. When we arrived at the hotel we discovered that, while there were two beds, they were pushed right up against each other, so it was basically one big bed. I inform Ian that he will be playing the part of the small spoon this evening. That is a very funny joke if you think about it.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of living in a place like Amsterdam. Yes there is art, and architecture, and culture and.... I've lost you, haven't I. It's AMSTERDAM! All you're thinking is, where are the drugs and the whores? Imagine living in an amazing city with a storied history and a rich cultural tradition and see it reduced to the equivalent of the world's biggest frat party.
"Oh, there is the most lovely little gallery... right between these two hash bars."
"Why the architecture of that whorehouse is amazing."
"I'll take the mushrooms after we see the Anne Frank house."
"Let's go to the Van Gogh museum before the sex show, so we can really enjoy both."

This brings us to what you really what you want to want to know about.

Waiting in line for a sex show is a very unique experience. You're kind of embarrassed, but at the same time, everyone else is doing the same thing, so you aren't too embarrassed. I did what I always do. I began soliciting people to come and join us watching the sex. Sadly I got few takers, but my cohorts found my carnival barker spiel to be quite delightful.

I know this will sound shocking, but the theater itself was rather seedy. But, I did get 4 beers included with my ticket, so I can't really complain. The show itself... Well, it was a combination of really nasty strippers (you should not be able to smoke a cigar with certain parts of your body) and very, VERY bored looking people having sex to the pounding beat of really awful techno music (I know, as opposed to the really GOOD techno music). I suppose there is a certain type of person who choses to have sex on a rotating mattress in front of a group of oddly desperate foreign tourists (there was an unsettlingly high number of elderly Asian ladies). All I kept thinking was that the spark was gone from their once "spicy" marriages. It was almost depressing.

The rest of the night went as you would guess.

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