Holland: World Leaders In Child Safety!

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Well, was almost more excitement than any human being can reasonably be expected to handle. The thing about this tour is, every morning begins VERY early, so that will henceforth go without saying.

My adventure today began at a store called "Clogs and Cheese." The Dutch being a fairly pragmatic people from a linguistic standpoint make it quite easy for one to infer what one might be able to purchase at said establishment.

Now, the only thing more exciting than watching someone make cheese and clogs is reading about someone watching another person making cheese and clogs, so I will allow your imaginations to run wild. Needless to say, I was in need of a nap at the conclusion of this affair. However, no nap was forthcoming. No, no, no. There was far more adventure afoot.

We followed our cheese and footwear odyssey with a lovely bike ride through a quaint Dutch village. The place was a fucking GHOST TOWN to put it mildly, and the only people about were my cohorts and the interesting Dutch lady who led us. Now, you may ask why I am telling you this. Well, it is because on this sojourn I saw the greatest sight I have beheld in years.

I is no secret that The Dutch love their bikes. You think you know, but really, you don't. In Amsterdam, there is a four story parking garage, exclusively for bikes. Let me repeat that, there is a FOUR STORY PARKING GARAGE FOR BIKES ONLY IN AMSTERDAM! You may take this to mean they have the standard, mom and pop, meat and potatoes bikes that we have here, but you would again be mistook.

The Dutch are very industrious and have figured out a way to attach all manner of carts and baskets to their bikes. In this lovely small town we saw a bike with a child seat attached. TO THE FRONT OF IT! Let me make this clear. A bike with an enclosed child seat (I mean like a car seat, for a baby) attached to the front. Essentially, these parents are housing their child in the region of the vehicle normally known as "the crumple zone" designed to absorb impact in a collision to protect the driver. This requires no further explanation, yet I will offer some. "Thank God I have this baby to absorb the brunt of the impact in case I ever get into an accident." I really love Dutch parents. In Texas we just strap deer to the hoods of our trucks after hunting. But really, think about it, what better place to keep your baby?

So, that excitement behind us we return to the city proper. Now, The Netherlands is quite funny, and I am aware of this now. Essentially, the entire country is a vast, flat farm littered occasionally with a few small villages, and generally looking like The Shire. Then you hit the northeast corner and it's "Welcome to the Thunderdome."

At this point I would love to tell you about the museums, or the Anne Frank house, or any of the other wonderful cultural events, but really, Amsterdam brought this on itself.

Yes, the museums are nice, and yes The Anne Frank house is one of the most moving experiences I've ever had, but you can read a fucking book about that.

Observations on the red light district. First off, it's kinda gross. Well, during the day it's really gross. At night, especially a Friday or Saturday night. On nights like that it's kind of cool, but at the same time surreal. There are rows of windows with absolutely gorgeous women standing behind them. Each of these women are "available" if you catch my drift. If, perchance, a curtain is drawn on one of these windows, that means they are "engaged," and I don't mean in a ring and wedding planner sense. The afternoons are very similar, but... How can I put this delicately? It's definitely the "B" team out while the sun is still up.

After wandering my group decided to partake in the "canal cruise" which we found out was brochure talk for "booze cruise." Let me just say, I had no desire at all to participate in the former, yet found the latter irresistible.

I suppose it's true that the city is lovely from the canals, but really I have no idea. I can tell you that the canals are a lovely place to drink vast quantities of Heineken and energy drink mixed with vodka.

So, to summarize: live sex shows, drugs (my favorite quote was from the middle aged man who asked, "Do you want to buy from me hash?"), whores (a very diverse group), clogs, cheese, baby's as airbags, drunken river trips.... Yeah, that pretty much sums up Amsterdam.

Next, on to Berlin!

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