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Published: November 4th 2008
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Americans Abroad
Has anyone seen a McDonalds or Dairy Queen, we are starving. Assholes, Scams, Scamming Assholes
People from South Africa, as far as I can tell, are all assholes. They do however come with a positive side. They all like to get really shit housed and they love to buy people drinks. I’m one of those guys who likes people who buy me drinks. But you kind of have to assume that anyone who comes from the place that pretty much created apartheid are probably going to be drunks or assholes. They also speak this amazing drunken language, which i'm sure has never been translated and can only be spoken with your eyes half closed and spitting on people when saying any words that end in the letter "s"
The No Glass Beyond This Point Scam
In most Irish pubs and bars you can drink outside. It makes sense to avoid fights and squabbles and angry customers. Have you ever considered the notion of trying to tell an Irish man or woman that they have to choose between smoking and their beer? It’s a blood bath of beatings just waiting to happen, but some bars however have a, "no glass beyond this point," policy. The scam is as follows; you
Fireplace
Toasty Tushy wait at the bar until someone purchases a Guinness. If he’s got a smoke behind his ear, he’s on his way out. 2 out of 3 times, he’ll get that beer and walk straight to the front door to smoke without sipping. He’ll then set down his oh so fresh, oh so frosty and oh so free Guinness on the table reserved for the beers that are in violation of the no glass beyond this point. That beer, that beer is my beer. This procedure is very cloak and dagger and very dangerous. Should you get caught, you’re gonna get beat and you’re gonna beat bad. Try this at your own risk.
The water in Galway and Ireland is worse than the water in Chico and Chula Vista combined, which is pretty gross. The water has a slight golden tint to it and tastes like you’ve been soaking a lead pipe in for days. The bars in Galway also used a high chlorine based cleaner to clean the bathrooms, which does give you a nice buzz when taking a onezie or a twozie. I’ll be highly surprised if I don’t leave this island with a tumor of some sort.
Hoegarden
You could eat a whole box of cereal out of this thing. After countless hours spent watching Planet Earth, failed and successful courting of women from behind the bar at the Banshee and Mike Potter trying to get laid, I have finally found a successful way to serenade and score with the ladies. To get the woman, all you have to do is perform a dramatic interpretation to Air Supply’s, “All Out of Love.” It's a sure fire way to a girls heart and love pocket.
The other night we went to a pretty kick ass pub that served a ton of new beers I had never experienced before. I tried Galway Hooker Pale Ale, but it ranks just as low as all the other Pale Ales I’ve tried since leaving Chico. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is by far still the fucking crème de la crème of Pale Ales. I’d trade all my socks for one right now. I’d trade my first child for a Summerfest, which isn’t all that crazy because my first will be adopted, so it kinda, sorta wasn’t mine to begin with. We also hooked up with some fun kids from Chicago the other night. I’ve decided that all bars back in the states should have
Sexy Time
This is exactly what it looks like. I'm trying to fuck a sheep. hair straighteners in the ladies bathrooms and fireplaces to keep your tushy warm while you enjoy your beer. I also, with loads of help from Cathy’s purse, stole the worlds largest beer glass. The thing has magic powers I tell you. I do believe, that when compared to Wyatt’s goblet, everyone will see that there is no comparison, the Hoegarden Glass is supreme.
Your new Irish phrases to know;
Awesome: a word used to describe some who is strange, weird or unusual.
Sound: Everything’s good
Tara and I also made our way around the Galway bend today. As we drove down the bend we saw our first legitimate sized mountain, which seemed, at the time, very very hikeable. About 1/50th of our way up the mountain and stepping on 12 tons of sheep crap, we noticed that the sheep half way up the mountain looked like ants and that the mountain may be a tad bit larger than we thought. So we did the American thing and quit. Along our journey I also came up with a sweet way to make a ton of money in Ireland…selling rocks. It seems like everywhere we go there are a thousand
rock walls. Everything wall wise is made of stacked rocks. Maybe I could convince China to finish that wall those lazy bastards didn’t finish and sell them Irish rocks. I’ve been watching to much Always Sunny in Philadelphia and it’s affecting my imagination. We did finally manage to see a full Black Sheep. I named the Sheep Bob. Though Bob isn't the back sheep of his family, he is the black sheep of conventional thinking and standard society.
The most important thing I learned today is that when Tara tells you rocks are slippery and to watch your step so you don’t fall into the waterfall pools. You should listen.
Pizza made in Ireland tastes like shit. Anyplace that counts how much pepperoni they put on a pizza has shitty pizza. This is not up for debate. It’s fact.
Tatko out.
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mo
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i would also like a black sheep. rooms that have crying walls are not okay. the playas club walls were wet. and as we all know i now suffer from adult asthma.