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Published: December 14th 2010
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Instrument of Terror
The Canon Ixus 55 batery charger - the most powerful battery charger in the world. So there we are, a full hour and ten minutes before departure at the security check at gates E2-E5 at Frankfurt airport, having had a pleasant hour in the Sky Lounge, reminiscing about how much nicer it was than last year when we were stuck in the airport for twelve hours due to a scheduling cock up.
I empty my pockets and walk through the metal detector, rolling my eyes in a smug manner at the inexperienced air traveler at the next scanner who had to go through four or five times, each time removing keys, coins or a phone from a pocket, obviously annoying the security personnel.
I'm watching my bag go through the X-Ray scanner, the woman stops, zooms in and scrolls through the filters, my bag goes back out and is turned 90 degrees, back through, zoom, scroll, then out, turned on its side and the same procedure.
"Excuse me, is there a problem?" I say in my most polite German.
"Do you have anything electronic in your bag?" says the woman, not even turning from the screen, she is really zooming in on my bag now, the colours of the filters flickering.
Snow Peak
2.4 ounces of passenger delaying doom! "Yes" I reply, digital camera, a GPS hand set, the charger for my camera, the charger for my phone and a small head torch".
"Nothing else?"
"Some batteries?"
She calls over some slopey shouldered officious looking prick and asks him what he thinks it is she has zoomed in on.
"That's not for me to say" says the slopey shouldered officious looking prick, "its up to you to make the descision".
She calls over some other slopey shouldered officious looking prick and asks him what he thinks it is she has zoomed in on.
"That's not for me to say" says the other slopey shouldered officious looking prick, "its up to you to make the decision". He'd obviously been mentored by slopey shouldered officious looking prick #1 and had learned well.
"How many times has it been through?" asks slopey shouldered officious looking prick #1
"Three" says the woman.
"You'll have to call it in then." says slopey shouldered officious looking prick #1.
"Yes" says slopey shouldered officious looking prick #2, "if its been through three times, you'll have to call it in."
She pick up a phone and talks into it for a few seconds.
"What's the matter here?" I ask, a slight twinge of concern manifesting itself within.
"We can't tell you, stay there." says slopey shouldered officious looking prick #1.
I look through the metal detector at Sherren who is giving me the
what-have-you-done-this-time? look, of which I am quite familiar. I give her my best
I-honestly-haven't-got-a-fucking-clue look, except this time I really mean it.
About ten minutes pass and I ask them what is going on and tell them that our flight is due to take off in fifty minutes.
A few minutes later things happen fast. Half a dozen armed Police turn up and talk to X-Ray machine woman, slopey shouldered officious looking prick #1 and slopey shouldered officious looking prick #2
A big policeman with a gun asks me if I have anything electronic in my bag. I tell him. He looks at the screen and asks how many times its been through. She tells him "three". He gets on the radio. Next thing, Sherren and a few other passengers waiting to go through the check are shooed out and the door slid shut. A bloke in black coveralls and a flak jacket comes and looks at the screen. The big copper talks into his radio and the other five X-Ray machines are shut down and about three hundred people are shooed back out into the main corridor while other police personnel talk into radios and start taping off the area.
The big copper asks to see my passport, I tell him its in my bag which is still in the X-Ray machine. He asks for any other ID. All I have is my UAE Labour card, UAE National ID and UAE Driving licence. To be fair, they all look pretty dodgy. Not only are they all pretty scratched and worn from constantly being in my pocket, but they are full of spelling mistakes. My driving licence is the worst, not only is it held together with Scotch Tape, according to it my name is ALAN BRITISH and my nationality is "Luton".
"Where did you get these?'' he asked me.
"Abu Dhabi" I said, "I live there"
"Can you prove that?"
"My residence visa is in my passport, in the X-Ray machine." I toyed with the idea of showing him my Rotana Rewards card but A) he didn't look like he was up for a light hearted moment to break the tension and B) I was getting genuinely worried we'd miss the flight. He called over another copper, one with two guns and told her to take me to some seats and not let me go anywhere. That was it, I was officially being taken somewhere at gunpoint.
Next thing this little electric van turns up and blokes jump out and start putting on big thick jackets and visors, a bit like what Princess Diana used to wear when she was getting her photo taken near a mine field.
My bag takes another couple of trips through the X-Ray machine before it is extracted and the bomb squad bloke empties everything from it into a grey plastic tray. This takes about 20 minutes. At this point my concern that we would miss our flight was being slightly overshadowed by a concern that someone had somehow managed to slip something into my bag
My guard's radio squawks and she turns to undo the barrier tape. The big copper calls me over and tells me I can go once I've taken my stuff to be swabbed for traces of drugs and explosives. The bomb squad bloke is holding the charger for my camera battery and metal cup up at X-Ray machine woman as I walk back to my bag.
Neither X-Ray machine woman, slopey shouldered officious looking prick #1 and slopey shouldered officious looking prick #2, or anyone for that matter will meet my eye. Big Copper obviously has an acute sense of empathy, and only by using the fact that I am looking extremely pissed off has managed to tell that I am extremely pissed off. "Look", he said casually, "don't say anything, or you'll miss your flight". I resist the strong urge to make some hilarious quip about him only following orders or being Jewish and take him at his word, thinking that any ensuing hilarity might be somewhat dampened by another 12 hour wait in the airport.
I got my stuff swabbed and made it onto the plane with a couple of minutes to spare.
"That's it."says Shez as we fastened our seat belts just as the Captain called for the crew to take their seats for take off. "Next year we're flying into Brussels, it looks closer anyway, and its to the left."
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Mumin
non-member comment
It couldn't happen to a nicer bloke
There's good ol' German thoroughness for you. If they're that vigilant, why do they not catch real villains more often? Well done, for keeping your cool at the end.