'A Rollercoaster Journey'

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The classic phrase 'It's been a rollercoaster journey' is one which participants of reality tv shows like to use only too often and one which I always used to find a bit cliche and simple but that's the best way to describe my journey so far, and particularly the last week. It's been a week of ups and downs, highs and lows but through it all I'm learning more and more about God's goodness and what it means to surrender yourself to Him.

After the small Christian gathering a couple of weeks ago I had been given the contact details of an English couple who have set up a church just outside Paris. I had been told to get in touch with them to see if they could help me in some way. So on Monday evening I picked up the phone with bated breath and a thudding heart - calling up strangers to ask for help isn't really my thing but I've learnt enough to know that God has opportunites waiting for us in the most unlikely of places - we just need to have the courage to knock on the door. It was the man who answered and so I told him as briefly as possible my story of how I came to be in France and so on. He didn't seem to have much time to talk so we ended the conversation on the understanding that he or his wife would call me back in a few days. I was hopeful that it would lead somewhere and that through it God would reveal more of His plans and purposes to me.

On Wednesday I had a bacon and egg buttie to look forward to for lunch round at Aida's house. It may seem like a small thing but when you're on a French diet you enjoy these small English treats all the more. After lunch we went to pick up Anna, the other English girl. Wednesdays like this are fast becoming a tradition but I love it - good food and a chance to speak English - what more could I want? Rather than going straight home Aida took us to the cheap shop Noz to rummage through their piles of junk and non-junk to see if we could root out any bargains. I'm becoming more and more cautious when it comes to spending money - I've learnt that if I really need something God will find a way of providing it for me - so although I saw a few things I would have liked to have bought I chose not to spend - so far I have managed to leave my savings intact - praise God! Anna successfully managed to find some Christmas cards in packs of more than one - apparently the French aren't fans of multipack cards. Personally I can't even begin to think of Christmas - not that I don't want to but it just seems too early and what with everything else going on and my financial situation, I'd rather keep Christmas as a remote thought for the time being. I'm still not sure whether I was sensible in deciding to stay here for the festive period - I'm sure I'll have a great time but I'm worried I'll be stuck for things to do because both the English girls that I hang out with are going home.

Wednesday ended on a high note with Aida cooking a great pasta dish and there was plenty of it! And as she dropped me off that night we took a few minutes to pray together which is always such a blessing - Aida has proved to be a true blessing in my life here - whilst Laetita is lovely, she feels too young to be my mum so Aida has taken on that role instead.

Thursday is usually another chill day but I had been asked to fill in for someone in La Maternelle, managing the kids' sieste in the afternoon - not a job I particularly enjoy because it doesn't involve doing much (I like the bit at the start when I get to boss the kids around and get them all organised into their little beds) but I've recently had the common sense to bring in a book to read whilst I'm doing it so I don't die of boredom. This has proved to be a great idea and I have no idea why I didn't think of it sooner.

After my managing-sieste duties were over I rushed home to await the expected phone call of the couple I had phoned earlier in the week. I was worried they might be too busy and might forget to call back. Luckily they didn't and I got another chance to speak in more detail to the man, explaining why I was in France and so on. I also shared with him the prophesy I'd received. I felt a bit awkward telling a complete stranger all these things and even more awkward when at the end he turned round and said he wasn't sure how they could help me and that they were really quite busy at the moment. This was a big disappointment but at the same time it reminded me of God's sovereign hand over this year - if it had been His will I know the door would have opened wide and whilst it hasn't closed completely - the man promised to phone me if any opportunities arose in the future - it was still hard to take. I had been very hopeful and expectant and as I put the phone down I felt as though I had nothing left to hope for - it sometimes feels as though I'm just plodding along going nowhere and doing nothing important. As I sat in my bedroom and realized that all I could do was wait and trust in God, it felt too much and I became overwhelmed with sadness and despair. Like God said in my prophesy - right now I am confronted with a mountain and every time I think I'm nearing the summit, something seems to come along and knock me back to where I started. I am left crying out to God and on more than one occasion I've told Him that I simply can't do this anymore. But God is faithful and is always there to give me new strength. Watching the film 'Kung-fu Panda' also helped to revive me and then for tea God blessed us all - pancakes!!!

On Friday I was faced with my troisieme class who I hadn't seen in a few weeks what with the holidays and then the bank holiday last week. Before the lesson the English teacher, Daniele gave me some orange warning sheets which she told me to use if any of the students misbehaved - luckily I was blessed with two very responsive classes and we had a good time together discussing our habits and learning the tongue twister 'She sells sea shells at the sea shore'. I am now a much more organised teacher, having been given two files to put all my work in by another lovely English teacher, Lydie. She also helped me to adopt one of the teacher lockers in the staff room so now I truly feel a part of the teaching staff at the school.

In the evening I had a child-minding opportunity to look forward to - not for my own family but for another family from the church who have two children - Rachel (6) and Josias (4). I work with the youngest in La Maternelle and so had some idea of what to expect - although lovely, he can also prove easily excited and difficult to control. When I arrived at their's that night both the children were keen to welcome me into their home which meant I had little chance to breathe properly. Whilst eating my dinner I was kindly given a lesson on sloths and then offered a sticker of the animal as a present.

The parents left the three of us to watch an interactive cartoon which was great for the kids but boring for me. And Rachel was adamant that I join in with the interaction parts so I found myself waving my arms, clapping and shouting out all sorts of things - I could sense God laughing at me in amusement.

I successfully managed to get the kids in bed before nine o'clock - something the mum had warned me would likely prove impossible so I was rather proud of myself for this acheivement. Once the kids were tucked up in bed I spent the rest of the evening tidying up in the kitchen (I knew it wasn't expected of me but I really felt it was an opportunity to bless the family so I wanted to do it as best I could) and reading on the sofa. I've always thought childminding like this was an easy job and that evening confirmed it.

Unfortunately the following morning I had to be up early for the women's breakfast Bible group that I go to with my friend Rachel from the Christian centre. Fortunately the food there is great - as many pastries as you could possibly eat. It was good to see Rachel again as I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. Despite our short acquaintance she seemed to sense that something was up and so I shared a bit with her about how I was feeling and what I'd been through that week. It felt good to just talk about it.

Ironically the story we looked at that morning was the one of Anna the prophetess who sees Jesus - we learnt about her faithfulness in waiting on God even for something that doesn't look like it's going to happen and how she chose to position herself as close to God as possible despite all she'd suffered. God was definitely trying to tell me something.

After the meeting me and Rachel enjoyed a small wander and then a coffee from Macdonalds. It was a beautiful morning which helped to lift my spirits as of course did the coffee and a chance to chat.

Once a month the church service gets moved to a Saturday evening so a deaf people's association can use the hall. It always feel strange going to church on a Saturday night. When I walked into the church alone that night (I had left Cedric upstairs with the kids as they were still battling their way through dinner and Laetitia was in the worship group) I passed three of the girls from the youth group - one of them waved when they saw me and the others smiled - I wasn't sure if that was an invitation to go over and make small talk but neither of them beckoned me over or came over to me so I decided to bypass them and find a seat. I felt a bit unsociable for doing that but I didn't feel in the mood for making an effort. It must have shown on my face because as I sat down Lydie, the English teacher came over and asked me if everything was Ok, if I'm enjoying life in France and if I've made any friends with the youth from the church - for some reason I felt guilty and like a bit of a failure for having to say no to the last question. Her response of 'Oh, but you should' as if it's the easiest thing to do in the world didn't greatly encourage me and added to my sense of failure.

I resisted the urge to cry all the way through the service - the fact I was sitting completely alone on an empty aisle didn't help the way I was feeling and made me ask myself - 'Do the people in this church actually care about me? Why can't they see how much I'm struggling?' I know they do care but I guess they just don't know me and perhaps they just don't care to know me. I think most of the church see me as just another intern girl here for my studies - I should probably tell them that I've been sent by God to bless them - during the service the pastor's wife thanked God for all the American missionaries who have been sent to bless the church - I wanted to shout out that I've been to sent to bless them too!

As I walked out of the church that evening I hoped someone might stop me to talk, even though I didn't really feel like talking - it would have just been nice to know someone had seen me and cared enough to ask me. Laetitia and Cedric ask me if I'm Ok all the time and I usually say yes no matter how I'm feeling - they don't know me well enough to know that when I say I'm Ok it doesn't always mean I am Ok.

No one did stop me to say hi and once I was out of the church I rushed up to my room to let out the pent up tears. It was another time of despair and brokeness in which all I could do was cling to God.

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