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Published: September 25th 2011
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It has been a challenging three weeks but things are looking up. I'm beginning to see and understand why God brought me here and what he has been trying to tech me these past three weeks.
It might be stressful and tiring living with a big family like this but God has been revealing his Father heart to me through them. When I see the children with their Dad and the way he delights in them I feel God saying to me - 'I delight in you too.' Whenever the Dad comes home the children get so excited and run to him shouting 'Papa!' He is always ready to welcome them with a big smile and his arms wide open. The youngest especially adores his Dad and shouts 'Papa!' all the time. When the children hurt themselves the first thing they do is run to one of their parents - often as soon as they've been given a kiss and a cuddle they're off playing again.
The other day the children were playing outside school. Gabriel, the youngest was sitting in the sandpit, staring in awe at the other children. His Mum bent down, cupped his chubby face in
her hands and said with such pride in her voice - 'That's my baby'. In that moment I felt God saying that's what he says about me. He looks at me and points, saying to the angels around him: 'That's my daughter.'
Being here has also taken away some of my self-sufficiency and independence from God. Because I'm so far from home and everyone I know and love he's the one I turn to when I'm upset or lonely.
God is also teaching me what it means to rest in his love. Before I came here I went to River Camp and there I felt God speak to me about the story of Mary and Martha when Mary sits listening to Jesus whilst Martha is busy making preparations in the background. God told me that I was like Martha (at the time I was worrying about coming here) and that in fact he wants me to be more like Mary, someone who can trust him and rest peacefully at his feet. I read once that a beautiful woman is a woman whose heart trusts completely in God and who can rest in him. Perhaps God didn't call me
here to be busy but to rest and to learn what it means to completely trust him.
Somthing I certainly wasn't prepared for coming here was how much God would want me to humble myself. I came here with visions of doing big things on a big scale so when I ended up helping the Mum with laundry and looking after children, I thought what on earth am I doing here? But I know the family feel blessed to have me here and the Mum has told me a number of times how happy she is to have me here. God has taught me that his kingdom isn't always about blessing about multitudes of people - it's about blessing whoever we can even if that's just one person. Looking at Jesus' ministry, very often he blessed individuals who just happened to cross his path.
I think that perhaps I thought God would want me to be some kind of superwoman when I came here who would impact so many lives but I know now that God just wants me to be who I am.
I know I still have a long way to go on this journey that God's taking me on and this week there have been some difficult moments. I think loneliness is my biggest enemy right now. I still don't know many people my own age so have to go out on my own a lot. Wednesday was a particularly hard day - I walked round the town on my own to explore - I enjoyed doing that and whilst I was out enjoying the sunshine I didn't mind that I was alone but as soon as I got home I think it just hit me - the loneliness, the isolation, the fact that even when I get home I am very alone - I do my best to speak to the family but it's not the same, I can't share my heart with them although I have tried sometimes with Laetitia when we're alone in the house together.
So Wednesday evening was a difficult time and Laetitia sensed my loneliness and sadness because she asked if she could pray for me. Her question took me quite off guard and I wanted to burst into tears so I suggested we pray later. I then hurried to my room to cry.
It wasn't until Thursday morning that she did at last pray for me and despite my best efforts I cried. And what made it worse was having no one to give me a hug - I wouldn't have minded if Laetitia had given me a hug but I guess she doesn't know me that well yet so didn't want to overstep boundaries or something. I can't wait to get home and be hugged!
The strange thing is I feel very much at home here - I love the family and I don't feel homesick. Everyone is very friendly and welcoming and my heart is certainly at peace here. I can see the careful and precise design and planning of God in putting me here. And yet I am not completely content here, not yet anyway but I know that God is a good God and all I must do is trust him.
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